I hate you, but don't forget I love you

I can't believe his nerve! Thinking he's boss of me! Well I can do my own reasoning, thank you very much! God, is he STILL lecturing?! All right, he's asking for it! "Shut up Leo!"

I don't even have to turn around to see his glare. His voice takes on a hard edge, sharp and brutal, like one his precious katanas. "Raphael, would you stop being reckless for once and listen to what I have to say?!"

"Why should I? You never listen to me!"

He reached over, trying to put his hand on my shoulder, but I pulled away before he could. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. My bright green eyes narrowed and I scowled back unabashedly.

Leo thinks he knows everything.

His frown is steadily growing deeper until he finally tears his eyes from mine with a sigh. "You're behavior is juvenile."

I let out a deep throaty growl, "I'm not a kid, Leo." Even I could hear the dangerous note in my voice, the only hint that I was close to losing my control.

Leonardo's dark blue eyes flashed up to meet mine once more, in a caustic glare. "Then stop acting like one." My fists clenched and I snarled, but Fearless went on, "When I look at everything I do for this family sometimes I wonder why I even bother worrying myself over a brat like you."

I wanted to kick him. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to pound him into the ground until he yelled for mercy, which I know he would never do, but I couldn't do any of those things. Cause then I'll be forced to make it up to him. Stupid Fearless Leader! Everybody on his side!

So instead I straighten my stance, square my shoulders and look him in the eyes. "I hate you."

He frowned back for a moment before replying, his voice low as if he feared being heard. "I hate you too." There was a pause, and I was about to take that as my cue to skedaddle when he spoke again, "But unfortunately I'm stuck with you, brother dear, so we might as well make the most of it. Besides you don't want another punishment from Sensei."

I recognized the gleam in his eye. So that was his bargaining chip, his cheap attempt to keep me within his reach. Ha! It's about time he learns: he can't control me with threats. Besides, what do I care about getting punished again? Happens every day anyway.

I growled and shoved past him, bumping his shoulder harshly. Even so, he made no move to stop me. "You ever call me dear again, and I'll skin you."

I didn't even bother to wait for his reply.

I watch Raphael leave, and an eerie silence comes over the dojo where we'd been training for the past hour or so. I should have known one-on-one training with Raph was a bad idea. I also should have known he wouldn't take kindly to being told what to do, but that doesn't mean he had to go off on an angry rampage!

When he said he hated me, I have to admit I was a little stunned, but definitely not surprised. I think the fact that we hate each other is so blatantly obvious it often goes without saying. It's not like I didn't know he felt that way about me either, we've been attesting our hatred for each other from a very young age.

I remember once when we were eight or nine…

"I hate you!" he yelled, his voice was lighter and higher then. But it was still strange, it should have sounded young, soft, but instead it was hard and gruff, even at such a young age he still sounded angry.

"You're just jealous!" I quipped snobbishly, gloating at the fact that I'd managed to learn a new kata while Raph was still struggling.

"Raphael, don't speak that way to your brother!" Sensei's voice called out and I smirked.

Raph glared, his eyes filled with raw emotion. His fists were clenched so hard the knuckles were turning white and at that moment, I'm somewhat ashamed to say, I was taking great pleasure in watching him squirm.

Then he bolted out the door and was gone.

"Leonardo, go, keep an eye on your brother." I heard Sensei order from behind me and I sighed, slowly running out the door after Raphael.

"Great now I have to babysit the brat." I muttered to myself as I followed Raph's trail down the sewer pipes.

When I came within sight of him I slowed and took care to stay out of sight. I knew that if I showed myself he'd probably just get more upset and run further. I peered over at him and frowned. He was just…sitting there. Then a sound caught my ear. The sound of quiet sobs. Was Raph…? A pang of guilt struck a chord in my chest and I thought about going over to apologize. That was the first time I can remember seeing Raphael cry.

It was also the last.

Suddenly feeling like I was intruding on a very private moment, I pulled away and decided to return to the lair.

When I returned without Raphael Sensei gave me a sideways glance before he asked, "Where is Raphael?"

"He's still out, Sensei. I…I think he needed some time alone." I whispered the last part and whether Master Splinter heard it or not, he nodded his acknowledgment.

Three hours later Raphael returned, his plastron covered in blood, cradling something indistinguishable in his arms. Don, Mikey and I stared, our eyes the size of saucers. We'd never seen that much blood before. One of us, I don't remember who, let out a cry of fright and yelled for Master Splinter. He emerged from the dojo, and after finding the source of the disturbance rushed to Raphael's side in a tizzy.

"Donatello, get the cotton balls and disinfectant!" After another quick moment of staring Donnie rushed off to do as father said. Sensei put his hand against Raph's face, worriedly, and immediately began looking for the source of the blood. I remember watching his eyes widen when he found it. "Your shell…Raphael lay down."

Raph looked up at him, dazedly. "Huh? Nah, Sensei, I don't need to lie down." He answered quite matter-of-factly.

"You've been bleeding profusely Raphael, for who knows how long, you need to lie down." Donatello returned with the cotton balls and disinfectant and Splinter immediately began cleaning out the wound.

Raph gave Sensei a rather odd look, as though he was slowly absorbing what was being said. Then he looked down at his bloody plastron and over to his shoulder where the blood had clotted heavily. His eyes widened, though a lot slower than they usually did. "Whoa." He murmured, staring at the blood as though he hadn't even realized he'd been bleeding. I bet he hadn't.

I stayed by Sensei's side, watching him caring for Raph's wound, and decided that I didn't really like the sight of blood. I covered Mikey's eyes for some the more gruesome bits, like when Sensei gave Raph three stitches. All the while Raphael sat quietly, without a sound, periodically patting the bundle in his arms.

After Sensei was finished tending Raph's injuries and washing the dried blood off of him with a warm washcloth, he set Raphael down and asked him what happened.

We all gathered around, prompting Raph to tell us, in so many words, to back off.

"Raphael, I asked you a question. What happened?"

Raph tensed, looking nervous about what he was going to tell us. "Well I—I went down to the drainage tunnels."

Sensei gave him a look of reprimand. We were never supposed to go into the drainage tunnels. It was too dangerous, as Sensei had told us many times before. "Raphael I have told you and your brothers countless times…"

"I had to Sensei!" Raph interrupted, his voice filled with emotion. "I didn't have a choice." He finished, his gaze falling downward…to the bundle of cloth now sitting in his lap. Sensei watched with a raised eyebrow as Raphael carefully untangled the old cloths that were quite soggy. As he did so I realized that they weren't wrapped, but caught around something. Raph held it out to Sensei and we all stared. It looked like a…turtle shell.

Sensei took it in his hands gently and looked it over before handing it back to Raphael. He was frowning, and I don't think he was too thrilled that Raph risked his life just to bring back a turtle shell.

Raph took it back and grinned at it. "It's okay, you can come out now. Everything's all right."

We exchanged dubious glances. Even Sensei looked like he was trying to find the best way to tell Raph…

But then, a little head, four small feet and a tail extended from the shell, which was about twice the size of our fists. We all gasped and Raph smiled at the little turtle. Then he looked up at Sensei, somewhat fearfully. "This is Spike. He's my friend. Can I keep him?"

Sensei sighed and pressed two fingers to his temple. "You may on two conditions."

Raph stared up at our Father listening intently.

"You must take full responsibility for feeding and caring for him. And second, let it be understood that if I learn you have failed to take care of him, then he goes to the pet store." Not that any of us actually knew what a pet store was. We'd never really asked and Sensei had never bothered to enlighten us. Yet another shell-shock when we went topside for the first time.

Raphael smiled, and I can honestly say it was the biggest smile I'd ever seen my hotheaded little brother display.

"I will Sensei."

And he did. After Raph had Spike he was a little easier to work with, a little less temperamental, but now that Spike's gone, and Slash is –well- Slash, things have just kept getting more and more rocky.

He really is impossible sometimes. Better make that most of the time. Heck! He's impossible all the freaking time! And it drives me up the wall.

At moments like this I really do find myself beginning to hate him.

I returned late, long after 'curfew.' The lair was completely dark. It often is when I come home late. I am really thoroughly exhausted. Since I left the lair before dinner, I'm also a little hungry, but I think I'll just sleep it off and have a big breakfast. That is, if Leo doesn't wake us up for stinkin' early morning exercises.

Man, I am not looking forward to seeing his face tomorrow morning. And then Sensei will probably make us sort out our 'disagreement' before breakfast. Oh goody. Damn. My left shoulder hurts.

Probably just a pulled muscle. I rub it gently with my right hand. Ouch. Hope it doesn't interfere with my training.

I fall onto my bed with a soft thud and a sigh of contentment. Finally…Peace.

But I still can't fall asleep. I just lay on the bed and think. Think about what? Take a guess. Mm-hm. Fearless.

Seriously though, I've been getting into way too many fights with Leo lately…

Why am I so bothered by this? Why do I keep coming back to it?! It's been on my mind all night, can't I get some sleep now?!

Before I knew it my mind was jumping back and forth, endless thoughts and images filling my head.

He said he hated me. So what? I've never cared before why should I start caring now? We've been saying that to each other since we learned what the word hate meant.

Oh, but that isn't quite true is it? Oh hell. Alright, I'll give. I can't fool myself anymore. I care. Of course I care, he's my brother, how could I not care?!

But tonight…tonight when he said it, it sounded different. It sounded as though he actually…

In past it was never such a grave phrase for the two of us. It was something much more passive. A phrase we would throw at each other in fights to try and derail the other, but…I fear it's become much more genuine. I think Leo really does hate me.

Why not? After all I've given him every reason to.

I hate you. Three words that's all. And yet those three words always have a way of backlashing you right in the face.

We're brothers. The four of us have always been close. We have to be. It's the only way we can fight the way we do. A rift between me and Leo. It would tear the whole team down.

Three little words…

The first memory I have of us using them with each other was when we were seven. Leo was still struggling with the heavy katanas, having difficulty wielding them with precision. He was in the dojo practicing when I snuck up behind him and pulled his bandana tails. He jumped three feet off the ground in surprise and turned around to glare when he realized who it was.

"I hate you." But it was said playfully, not anything like the way he said it earlier today.

I remember I smiled at him and tackled him. We sparred for a little while, until I finally pinned him, or he ceded, I'm not really sure. You never can tell with Leo.

"I hate you too." I replied jovially, and both of us laughed.

More and more thoughts, memories, words filled my head. Like the buzz of a beehive. Endless noise.

Until, a long while later there was a knock at my door. I looked up as it opened slightly and Leo stepped in.

I turned over to face him, still laying on my bed. "Yeah?"

Leonardo looked slightly confused. Obviously he'd expected me to be sleeping. I usually do. I thought annoyed with myself.

"It's time for morning training."

I sighed and pushed myself up laboriously, being careful not to jar my sore shoulder. Leo stared at me with that 'something is weird so now I am going to stare at you until I figure out what it is' face of his.

I avoided eye-contact and pushed past him, "Let's get it over with, shall we?" Fearless was following me, but I figured he'd allow me to have breakfast.

One quick look at the kitchen and I knew I'd missed breakfast. Leo must have let me sleep in.

Huh. Pity I didn't sleep.

I groaned as I reached for the cereal box on the top shelf. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and took the milk that was out on the counter. I sniffed it and had to resist the urge to puke.

"Milk's bad." I stated to Leo, who for some reason was still following me.

"I know." He said as he sat down in the seat next to my usual place.

I threw him a sideways glance but shrugged it off. Whatever, he's acting weird today.

"You didn't get any sleep." Leo said. I decided it would useless to try and deny it. After all, it was a statement, not a question.

"No I didn't." I agreed, crunching away at my dry cereal.

"What time did you get in last night?"

Which is his way of asking, did you get home before curfew? I smirked mischievously. "Four o'clock."

I was expecting disapproval or maybe just a hint of surprise, but instead all I got in response was a look of confusion. What's going on in that strange mind of his?

"So why didn't you get any sleep?" He asked.

Ah, so that's it. Playing the concerned brother now are we? I thought rather cynically.

I shrugged, but lowered my head, deliberately avoiding his gaze. "Couldn't stop thinking I guess."

He glanced at me, no doubt taking in my slightly battered, very sore and positively exhausted form. "About what?" He asked slowly, his voice calm and level.

There was a long moment of silence, and I stared into those annoyingly blue eyes of his, searching for a sign that this whole attempt to talk to me might be a false front. But I found none. So I let my mask fall. The scowl I usually wore around him was wiped off my face. And I voiced the question that had kept me awake all night. "Do you really hate me?"

Silence ensued, and I noticed he was looking at me. But instead of actively searching for answers his gaze was passive, quietly taking in my relaxed posture and tired eyes. I had the feeling he was about to answer when Mikey jumped in out of nowhere.

"Come on guys! It's training time!"

Shit, he is way too bubbly today. What did he eat form breakfast? I certainly hope it wasn't powdered sugar pizza again. Michelangelo's energetic enough as it is. The last thing he needs is more sugar.

I roll my eyes and follow my younger sibling to the dojo. Leaving Leo staring after us.

It had been a long time since Raph had lowered his mask. In a way, it scared me.

Despite our mutual dislike, I've always thought of him as being…well, something strong…like a rock. Well, more like a diamond, at least on the outside. His conviction, his strength, his temper, and overall his entire personality seems completely unbreakable. But today when he let down his mask, I believe it's the first time in years that I've seen what he actually is at heart. Sensitive.

It's been so long since Raphael and I have had any positive interaction, that it seems completely shocking.

There is but one question that rings in my head like a mantra. How could I let it get this far?

But it wasn't only sensitivity I saw. I saw…I'm not sure how to describe it. It was like an expression of tiredness. Due, in part, to the fact that he didn't get any sleep, but I can't help feeling that, somehow, it was more than that.

And when he asked me…

I don't think I've ever seen such desperation in his eyes before. Then before I could even reply, he left. Maybe he doesn't really care what the answer is. I thought, yeah, that's it. It's probably all the same to him anyway.

Three weeks later…

I stealthily made my way up to the roof tops from the alley. The battle had been massive and there were Krang bots everywhere. I looked back down into the alley. Make that slashed Krang bots.

I just hope my brothers are okay. The Krang actually managed to split us up, even though I warned my brothers. There was no way we could have stayed together. There were far more of them than the four of us could have handled. I looked down into the adjacent alleys, my eyes searching for my brothers. The sound plasma fire made me turn and run to the opposite side of the building where I could look down.

Raphael was so busy fighting Krang bots he didn't even acknowledge the fact that he was being watched. Then again, I probably wouldn't have either. Not with that many Krang bots on my hands. Especially considering that the alley the hothead was currently trapped in was a dead-end.

Raph had somehow managed to get even more Krang bots than I had, and right now he was winning. But it would only take one slip to the turn the tides. And right now the Krang were waiting for him to take the first fall.

I took note of the way Raphael was holding his left arm close to his body and my eyes narrowed. He must have already suffered an injury.

Before I could even register what was happening, one of the Krang lifted its pistol and fired. The shot struck Raph on the upper left side of his chest and he collapsed against the back wall of the alley. For a moment I was absolutely paralyzed. I watched as another Krang moved its gun flush between my brother's eyes. I saw the pained expression on his face harden, I watched him close his eyes. And something inside of me snapped.

"Get away from my brother!" I yelled, going in 'Raph-style' aka. half-cocked and completely without a plan.

There was no mercy in my katanas strikes that night. None whatsoever.

After the Krang had been sufficiently dealt with, I rushed to Raphael's side. My eyes examined the wound. The shot had hit his plastron, which was partially blackened, but part of it had sliced into his shoulder, right around his scar. It was bleeding profusely. I instinctively removed Raph's mask and pressed it against the wound.

To my surprise, an emerald green hand shot out and caught my shoulder. "Leo…" He said tiredly, his breathing heavy.

The mask was drenched in blood and I frowned. I repeated the same process with my own mask, only to get the same result. I cursed, which made Raph's neon green eyes move to meet mine slowly. "Raph…I can't stop the bleeding. I-I don't know what to do!"

"Easy Leo, easy." He gasped out. "It's okay."

"No it is not okay!" I yelled at him.

"What're ya yelling for?" Raph asked adamantly, "Ya should be happy."

I looked at him confusedly, and then I realized that his eyelids were beginning to droop. "No, no, no, Raph!" he blinked slowly in response to his name. "You have to stay awake, understand? Here, listen to me! Tell me what you mean!"

Raph didn't look too happy about being told to stay awake when he was so tired, but when his eyes met mine, I felt a little better. The hand he had on my shoulder pulled me weakly closer and I obliged. "You never answered my question." He said, his voice filled with remorse and sadness.

Before I could say a word, his eyes closed and all I could hear was the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. "Raph?" I shook my head in denial. No he can't be… "No." I bowed my head in shame and regret. "I should have—I should have told you when I had the chance. Raph, I—I don't hate you. I never have and I never will. I love you, little brother."

"I love you too, Leo." My eyes flew to him and I stared.

"You're still awake."

"Yeah, you gave me an order, remember? I was just resting my eyes." he whined weakly. I looked at his wound and was relieved to see the blood flow was slowing, if only a little.

I smiled at him for the first time in a long while. "Glad you're obeying my orders for once."

He returned the smile weakly, "Don't get used to it. It'll probably never happen again."

I smirked, "Really?"

Raph grinned.

Then the smile left my face and I gave him an expression of pure seriousness. "Raphael, you should know…No matter how many times we exchange 'I hate yous,' you have to remember that you're my little brother. And I love you."

"Jeez Leo, don't get all sappy on me." He rolled his eyes and chuckled, though his voice still sounded drained. He looked away, actively avoiding my gaze and said, "I love you too, big brother."

I smiled and pulled him into a gentle hug. After a short moment, he hugged back.

"So I obeyed your orders. Can I sleep now?"

I raised an eye-ridge and pulled out of the hug. When I saw the drowsy look on his face I chuckled. "No, you may not. You have to stay awake until we get you to Don."

"Aw. Leo…" he whined, almost like a child. "But I don't even know how far the Shell Raiser is from here!"

"Maybe you don't, but I know where I parked it Raph, and it's right on the other side of this building."

"Oh so yur gonna make the wounded guy walk?" Raph stated with his arms crossed. I recognized the determined look on his face.

"Well I'm not going to leave you here alone if you can't defend yourself." I stated, equally stubbornly.

"Who says I can't?" He replied with a smirk.

"I'll help you up." I said in a no-nonsense tone.

Raphael frowned. "I hate you." He said, but his tone was soft, his voice filled with affection.

I laughed and shook my head. "I know Raph. I know." I love you too, hothead.

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