Carnival

A/N In this fic, Fujioka Haruhi is questioning whether the Host Club meant something to her or if it was just a waste of time. And were the members just using her…? And the song is "Carnival" by Natalie Merchant.

Well, I've walked these streets
A virtual stage, it seemed to me
Makeup on their faces
Actors took their places next to me

With the host club constantly cosplaying and goofing off, it was always hard to tell when they were being serious, if ever. They even pulled Haruhi into their game of acting to please the ladies. Too bad Haruhi was a girl too. Were all their games aimed at her as well? She began to wonder…

Well, I've walked these streets
In a carnival, of sights to see
All the cheap thrill seekers, the vendors and the dealers
They crowded around me

They always had new costumes, new sets, new places, new acts. But they were fake. Cosplaying is being someone you're not, right? Right. Even the girls were fake. They just wanted the attention of some attractive guys. To Haruhi, they seemed to be so fake and oblivious that they couldn't even see their own stupidity and the fakeness of the whole thing. Fangirls boggled Haruhi's mind. And they began to get annoying.

Have I been blind? Have I been lost
Inside myself and my own mind
Hypnotized, mesmerized by what my eyes have seen?

Why didn't she see through the façade? Do they really care for her? Did they ever care for her? Or was it just the pity and curiosity of "commoner" ways? It was hard to think about, but Haruhi found the most important question of all to be: Did going to Ouran and being in the host club really push her towards her goal?

Well, I've walked these streets
In a spectacle of wealth and poverty
In the diamond markets the scarlet welcome carpet
That they just rolled out for me

She never really fit in, being they're rich and she's poor. At least that's the way she was thinking now. They really wanted to be her friends, right? Well… maybe not. Always wanting to try "commoner" things, sending her to the store to buy them "commoner" food… that's it! They were using her, weren't they? And knowing she couldn't actually pay for her debt, they pulled her into their little world of fake smiles and personalities, acting like they really wanted her there. She shook her head. And she fell for it.

And I've walked these streets
In the madhouse asylum they can be
Where a wild-eyed misfit prophet
On a traffic island stopped and he raved of saving me

Haruhi realized that everyone has issues, so the host club was no different. They all had their little secrets, and they use their bizarre personalities to cover up the hurt and confusion, and they use the host club to be someone they're not. So… what's real and what's not? Do they even know, she wondered? And Tamaki. He had to be the most obnoxious out of all of them, what with his constant attempts to "save" her from the other club members, especially Hikaru and Kaoru. And what was with those screwed up fantasies he constantly had of her? Maybe he was trying to be some kind of knight in shining armor for her, she mused. Maybe he wanted to "save" her from her poverty. Stupid boy. This is her life to live, and she doesn't need your help. Or…

Have I been blind, have I been lost
Have I been blind, have I been mean
Have I been strong

Could she have pulled herself out if she wanted to? Of course, she kept telling herself. Of course I could… but… did she want to? Does she want to…?

Hypnotized, mesmerized by what my eyes have seen
In that great street carnival, in that carnival?

Did she stay after her debt was erased because she liked it? Does she miss them? She shook her head. No. It was all a game. Just a game. Then why is she crying? Why does it hurt if those boys mean nothing to her?