A/N: This is the very first piece of fanfiction I've written...it's been on my computer for quite a while, and I decided to share it... Basically, it takes place well before Rose entered the picture and there were rumors going around about 'dating' as well as the need for MD to stop their break up sexing and get together already! This is rated M for a reason...you've been warned!

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain

My room was a disaster. Seriously. I couldn't even see the floor under all the clothes. I have more clothes than I realized. But still, nothing to wear for a first date. Okay, more like our…not-first date, first date. Maybe the third or fourth one? Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, I'm standing here in only a bra and panties with 20 minutes until he arrives. Maybe we can have our date in my bed. A first date of mind-blowing sex. Our real first date thingy had been sex. Amazing sex. That seemed to work for us. Well, until his wife showed up, but I won't think about that right now. I'm pretty sure Derek would love a date of sex. Fine, so he already said that doesn't count when he asked me on this thing. Apparently, us having sex almost every night can't be called dating unless we actually go out...and sleep over. Which is the plan for tonight. And I'm still mostly naked.

"You're still not dressed yet? He'll be here in, like, 15 minutes!"

I whirl around. "I know that Izzie." Seriously, she sometimes points out the obvious. It can be annoying, especially when I'm already a freakin' mess. I start throwing clothes around the room again, looking for something…something. I don't know what.

Izzie's voice intrudes again. "Okay. Where are you going?"

"Dinner. A restaurant. He said to dress up."

I run my hand through my hair, then curse under my breath. Shit. My hair. I had taken the time to curl it, and now I was wrecking it. Just great.

"Oh!" With that, Izzie ran out of my room. That was odd. Even for her sometimes. Crap. 15 minutes. With renewed frenzy, I start digging through my stuff again. Maybe this time, something will magically appear.

Izzie barrels in, a little out of breath, holding a pile of blue stuff in her arms. "I have it. It's perfect because it's a little too small for me now, but should fit you. It's a dress from one of my first modeling events."

Hmm, I really love Izzie. Seriously. The girl's a lifesaver with her magically appearing dresses.

"Seriously?"

"Well, yeah. I brought it, didn't I? Come here."

She helps me into the dress, the material cascading around me like silky water. It falls to just below my knees and hugs every curve from neck to hips before gently flaring out.

"There." She steps back and eyes me critically. A huge Izzie-being-crazy grin is flashed my way. "Wow. You look hot!"

This, I have to see. I walk over to my mirror, the dress following every movement of my body as I do so. Whoa. I didn't know I could look like this. The dress was halter style, the front plunging into a V between my breasts. Thank god for my new push up bustier. The back was cut higher, to let the material hug the entire body. It was…sexy, without being slutty. That's good. And the deep blue color makes me think of Derek's eyes. Even makes mine seem more green than usual. How cool. Derek loves my eyes.

Izzie suddenly appears behind me, holding a pair of black strappy high heeled sandals. The very ones I was wearing the first time I met Derek…how appropriate.

She pushes them at me. "Here, these will look perfect. They match that little clutch purse on your dresser. Oh, and you should wear these." She hands me a pair of simple silver dangly earrings.

I slip everything on, and then stare at my hair. I groan. "Great. My hair sucks."

She just rolls her eyes and moves behind me. She fluffs and fiddles, then uses a small silver hair clip to pull the sides loosely back. "Now it looks 'sexily mussed'." She actually used the air quotes. Jeez.

I raise my eyebrow at her reflection and she grins back. "It's a model-y thing. You're so gonna knock him off his feet!"

And right into my bed.

Stop that Meredith! Dinner first. First date stuff. My hair? Whatever. He'd mess it up before the night was over anyway. I really, really wanted to skip straight to the serious-hair-mussing part of the night. That part is easy. I can do that part. It's the rest of it all that has me nervous.

Doorbell.

"Oh! I'll get it, I'll get it! You…just stay here. Play it cool." She ran out the door and I could hear her practically trip down the stairs.

He's here. Derek is here. For a date. A real, grown-up date with fancy food, waiters, and…

Big chunks of carbs in a basket.

God, it seems as if a lifetime has passed since he first asked me out for a dinner date. I miss those days. But at the same time, I don't. A lot has happened in the past year; a lot of fairytales were proven fallible. Not that I believe in fairytales. I don't. But it's nice to think they could happen. But real life? So not a fairytale. It's so much…more. Just more. More honest. Which I'm trying to be these days, with everyone and myself. Not as easy as it sounds.

"Mer? Derek's here!" Izzie called from downstairs.

I look around my room, and rush into movement. "Just a minute!" I yell back, as I shove all of my clothes into the closet or under the bed as fast as I can. The room should look nice…for after dinner. In less than a minute I was rushing to the top of the stairs. Deep breath. Calm down.

He stood there, by the door, looking gorgeous in a tie and jacket. He didn't normally wear ties as far as I knew. Well, except for the one I removed at prom. Great. One second into our not first date, and I'm remembering porny moments. Bad, bad Meredith! Focus. Date. Who is standing right there. With sexy hair and ocean blue eyes. Eyes that are slowly devouring me at the moment. God, that look. How the hell am I supposed to resist porny thoughts when he's looking at me like that?

"Hey." The smooth rumble of his voice washes over me. I step onto the bottom stair and he reaches out to clasp my hand. "You look…breathtaking."

I feel the slight blush rising to my face, but fight to keep my cool. "Thank you. You…gorgeous." Now he's gonna think I'm an idiot. Way to go Meredith.

He just chuckles and tilts his head towards me. Damn that head tilt. Damn dinner plans. Damn ties that remind me of hot sex. I lose my train of thought when he gently pulls me closer to his body. The scent of Derek and rain swirl through my senses as he leans down and touches his lips to mine. Just a light brush, but still enough to send shivers down my spine. God, what this man does to me. He keeps my fingers tangled with his as he leads me to the door.

"Ready for dinner?"

No. After dinner? Hell yes.

"Yep. Where are we going?"

"You'll see." He smiles at me.

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true

I barely remember dinner. There was food, that I know. It happened less than 5 minutes ago and I can't remember anything. Not even what kind of food I'd eaten. I remember Meredith. The way her dress moved with her tiny body as we walked in the restaurant. The way candlelight shimmered her hair and added light to her sparkling eyes. The way she smiled with her whole face when she saw our table overlooking the ferryboats. Her giggle when the waiter flirted with her. Stupid waiter. She's mine. Yeah, jealousy…not my thing. But my Meredith? Mine. Somehow I managed to refrain from snarky comments, because dinner had to be perfect. She deserved that. Actually, she deserves so much more. She deserves…everything. And I want to give it to her.

It's only our first…well, official first date. But I already know I'll have my lifetime to love her. After everything we've gone through, she's still giving me a chance. She's trying, I know that. I can be stupid sometimes, but I do know that. So I'm waiting…and taking things slow. She deserves slow. Real slow. Mind-blowingly slow. Okay. Focus. On now. What's happening now?

I sneak a glance at Meredith, who's sitting in the passenger seat while I drive us to her house. She's gazing absently at our entangled hands resting on my thigh, a small smile on her lips. I love that smile. It means she's thinking good thoughts. Hopefully forever kind of thoughts.

It's ridiculous how nervous I am that she won't want forever with me. Mark would call me an idiot; I'm not. I just really want this with her…badly. More than anything. I want forever with the love of my life. To wake up and fall asleep wrapped around her. To spend all those little moments making her happy. She's the woman who makes it all worth it. I think I'm the same for her. Fine, I know I am. Otherwise, after all the times I've fucked up in the past, she would have laughed in my face at my wanting another chance. She really should have. But she's here, sitting next to me. Holding my hand. And working towards forever. God I love her. My Meredith. Such a strong resilient soul packaged in a tiny, delicate body.

Our entire drive to her house is completed in utter silence. Not a bad silence, but one that says much more than words. We are happy. Truly, unbelievably, finally happy. It makes me think that nothing could break us now. Many things have tried, and some had even succeeded for a while. But not really. And not ever again. Love can bend, stretch, and twist, but for us it will never really break. We're us. Meredith&Derek, Derek&Meredith. We've survived this far; all the broken hopes, broken promises, and screwed up family crap. We would definitely annihilate anything that tries to come between us again.

I pull up in front of her house, reluctantly removing my hand from hers to park the car. Suddenly, I feel nervous. I'm a grown man, for god's sake. Why the hell am I nervous now? This is a woman I've had a relationship with in some way for over a year. She's seen me at my best and my worst…nothing to be nervous about. But somehow, I'm still nervous.

I walk around the car, help her out, and shut the door. She smiles and places her small hand on my chest, right over the heart that beats for her. A flirty little sexy look from under her eyelashes causes my heart to speed up. She does things to me. And she knows it. A small smirk crosses her lips as she leans her body into mine. I practically slump against the car, positioning her to stand between my legs. I tangle one hand in her silky strands of hair and bring the other one to rest on her hip.

I lower my head and catch her mouth in a kiss. I could just drown in her taste. And the scent of warm Meredith mingled with a hint of lavender. She whimpers softly, causing my body to tighten. I lift her into myself, letting her feel what she's doing to me.

"Derek…" she breathes.

I can only moan and deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue against hers in an erotic imitation of what I want. Mindless moments later, I pull away and drop my forehead to rest on hers. We're both breathing erratically, the tension arcing hotly and heavily between us. I have to fight the urge to take her here and now, despite being in full view of many homes. At this moment, I can barely care. But I do. All night I've been promising myself to take it slow, first date kind of slow. Including sex. If there was sex. And apparently, there's sex. So it's a promise I'm going to keep, even if it kills me. And it just might. So, distraction. Umm, math. That's supposed to help.

Oh shit.

She's touching me, one small hand stroking down my chest towards my…okay, umm 3 x 3 is…um, 9? Yeah. 12 x 2 is…12…um…shit. I grasp her wrist, stopping her hand from reaching its goal. She makes a sound of protest, her darkened eyes meeting mine, sexy and pleading.

"Inside." I manage to choke out. It's part question, part plea, and part demand. She nods, but presses her body further into mine.

"Please, Derek. I want…I need…I…please." She gasps between little kisses to my jaw line. God, I don't think I can make it to the house, much less the bedroom before I burst. Our mouths catch in another body scorching kiss as we stumble to the front door. A few more steps…there! I fumble for the doorknob, finding it unlocked. We practically fall inside, her fingers working the buttons on my shirt.

"Holy mother of…porn."

The voice sounds far away, barely making a blip in my brain. A roommate. As soon as the thought enters my head, it's gone again. Meredith has managed to open my shirt, her warm little hands smoothing over my chest and abs. I finally lift my mouth from hers, clasping the back of her thighs in my hands as she wraps her legs around my waist. As quickly I can, I climb the stairs, blindly heading towards the bedroom. Her hands tangle in my hair while her hot little mouth kisses and bites at my neck. I try the mental math thing again… 12 divided by 3…wait, what? God, her mouth. My fingers dig into her thighs, trying to clear my head until we make it to the bedroom. At least.

Slow. I said slow…shit. She slides down my body as I lower her to the floor. My breath catches as I stare down onto her face. She has the most expressive eyes. Right now, they're dark with heat, with want, with need. Most importantly, they hold my forever. In this moment all I can do is cradle her face in my hands and lose myself in those eyes.

Those eyes that drop to my mouth. She licks her lips, shattering the moment and speeding up time. Our lips crash together, mouths opening, and tongues dueling. My hands slide over her body, following every curve and relearning every favorite spot. Clothes just seem to melt away as the heat between us rises. Finally, she's naked.

Finally.

I slide my mouth down her neck, sucking and biting lightly as I lower her onto the bed. My hands spread her thighs apart, and I settle my body between them as my mouth finds that oh so sensitive place on her collarbone.

"Derek!"

"Mmm," I respond as I continue my journey down to her chest. She arches into me, small sounds of encouragement escaping her throat. Time loses all meaning as I let myself drown in Meredith. I press small biting kisses across her breast before taking a tight nipple into my mouth, sucking hard. She gives a soft moan; I move my mouth to her other breast and repeat the action.

"Derek! Please…now…I need…oh god…Der…"

Her hips move against mine. I'm hard. Harder than I think I've ever been. Damn near bursting. The need to take her is overwhelming. Shit. Slow. Slow. Umm, count to ten…1…2…2…um…shit. Slow. I move my hips away from hers, before I come to soon.

She moans. "Der…no….I…NOW, Derek! Please!"

"Not yet. You're not ready." I murmur against her stomach as I continue my downward exploration of her body.

"Damn it! I'm ready. Now!" she yells, tugging at my hair in an attempt to pull me up.

I grasp her hips between my hands, ignoring her pleas and the urges of my own body to go, go, go. Holding her hips still, I move my mouth further down, sliding my tongue into her heated core. She's so wet. And hot. And she tastes so damn good. I lightly scrape my teeth over her clit before applying pressure with my tongue. She screams, my name falling like a litany from her lips. I love the sound of her calling my name. It makes me harden and swell even more, something I didn't think was possible.

I continue using my mouth on her, and slide a hand down to join it. I push a couple of fingers deep into her, stroking her both inside and out. In moments, she arches violently into me, screaming loudly as an orgasm washes over her. I snap. I move back up her body and crash my mouth onto hers, swallowing her screams. My hands push her knees towards her chest as I slam into her. I feel the deep groan as it rumbles from the depths of my being. I am inside my Meredith. And as cheesy as it sounds, it feels like exactly where I'm supposed to be, like coming home.

"Meredith…mine…you're…Mer…mine." I can't keep the words in, but they don't quite come out clearly anyway. My body trembles as I keep myself from moving inside her.

She's still caught in the throes of her orgasm, her hips jerking against mine. "Fuck. Der…I…oh…yes! You…mine…Derek!"

That's it. Thought ceases as I pound into her with deep, hard strokes. Over and over again. Her hands move restlessly over my back, leaving behind stinging scratches. It turns me on even more, my body starting to tighten with impending release. Slow. Slow.

I can tell that she's on the edge again, so I slow my pace, trembling with restraint. I pull out of her wet warmth, and hover above her. She whimpers my name, grabbing my ass to try to bring me back into her again. I slowly push back in, deep. Both of us cry out at the feeling. I do this a few more times, until I just can't take it anymore.

In a swift move, I roll onto my back and settle her over me. She gives a little squeak of surprise.

I manage a guttural, "wanna ride?" Her eyes lock onto mine, her messy waves of hair framing her flushed face. Without warning, she braces her hands on my chest and rocks her hips. I thrust upward into her, trying to get as deep as I can.

"Mer...god…I… Oh, fuck!" I can't think when she moves like that.

She moves against me harder, mindlessly panting my name. My hands take on a will of their own and roam over the sexy little body braced above mine. I can't last much longer. Shit. I slide my fingers between our bodies, finding her clit. With one touch, she goes over the edge.

"Der-ek! Oh, god. Oh, damn. Derrrrr…."

She screams again, and her inner muscles clench forcefully, milking me hard. My orgasm rips through me, intense, blinding. All I can do is hold onto her.

She collapses on my chest, breathing in deep rasping breaths. I lay there, one arm wrapped around her hips and the other laying uselessly beside me. My body feels too heavy and satisfied to move anytime soon. But I can't think enough to care.

Small tremors are still shaking through her, vibrating through my body as well. She nuzzles her face into that spot where my neck meets shoulder, her breath coming in little pants.

"I…god…seriously. First dates…mind blowing. More…should have…first date…again. Later."

I chuckle at the fact that even oxygen deprived, my Meredith still manages to ramble. My heart does this little melting thing. "Yeah. A lot more. I'm all for many first dates with you. More first dates, I say!" I gently tease, bringing back memories of elevator kisses.

She laughs lightly, the trembles finally subsiding. A moment later she pulls back and kisses me deeply. I'm a little shocked to feel myself start to harden inside her again. Damn, this woman does things to me.

"Derek?" She looks at me a little nervously.

Now I'm getting nervous. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

Breathe Derek breathe. Oh my fucking god. She said it. She hasn't said it since that first time. Since the first time I hurt her. She…

"Derek?" She almost looks like she's going to cry. Or panic. Not good.

"Meredith…" I breathe. I still can't gather my thoughts. I reach up and frame her face with my hands, forcing her gaze to mine. "Meredith. I love you. So fucking much. Forever. You and no one else."

She smiles hesitant, and shy, and strong all at once. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that smile.

She kisses me again and starts to move over me. She pulls back and our eyes meet once more. She very slowly starts doing figure eight type movements with her hips, not helping me keep sane thoughts in my head. At all.

Neither of us look away as we build to another orgasm. We climax together and I'm still looking into the eyes of my forever as everything else disappears.

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face

I lay curled up against Derek, his fingers absently running through my hair. I'm exhausted. I don't think I'll ever be able to move again. This first date thingy was…amazing. The best first date ever. In the history of the world and first dates everywhere. What other first date has ever left a woman feeling something…big. Really big. Huge. Like forever. It scares me, but I think I'm beginning to understand that it always will. There aren't any guarantees for the future. I know that.

This past year has…well, it just sucked. I had thought things. Romantic happily-ever-after kinds of things. I had finally found the elusive "one" every person hopes to find. And then it was painfully snatched away.

You must be the woman who's been screwing my husband.

You're staying with her. She's my wife.

This thing with us, it's finished. It's over.

I don't know if I want to keep breathing for you anymore.

I had broken into tiny pieces the first time he left me. And every time after that, I lost a little more of myself. I know he's not the only one to blame, though. I know that. This past year, everything had piled up, and I pushed away from him just as much as he let himself be pushed away. Many times over that year, Derek and I had tried again and again to make us work. But it never really did. Probably because I didn't trust him not to let me fall again. I still don't know if I can quite trust him to catch me. We had ended up pushing each other too far.

But he stayed anyway.

I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down, and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.

When he said those things, terror and hope had warred inside my heart and head. With his "I don't know" response, terror had won. I wasn't ready. I still may not be ready. But I want to be. And amazingly, that seems to be enough for him now. He doesn't mind taking things slow, if it means having a chance. I'm not sure how he came to that conclusion, but I'm glad that he did. We're us. And us? Scary as hell, but so damn perfect too.

Derek had once told me to have faith. I think I'm starting to. There are still missing pieces, broken off bits of myself I can't quite find. But with Derek…well, we fit. In every way. And he's staying, waiting, wanting, and loving…me. I'll never see why. I'm damaged. But, so is he. He's the first person to really try to get me, in a deep-down-ugly-truths kind of way.

Growing up? Becoming an adult? Hard. Not fun. But I think I'm ready. It's suddenly overwhelming how ready I feel, especially right in this moment, curled up safe in Derek's arms. Arms he promised will always be there. I feel ready to have faith, to take that leap and trust him to catch me. Because…I'd never survive another fall. This time, I just knew he'd catch me; I'm sure now, but can't explain how I know. I guess I'm just finally accepting all those things that I see in his eyes when he looks at me.

I slowly raise myself up and away from him, positioning my body so I can look at his face. He smiles and tilts his head in a questioning gesture. He really needs to stop doing that…it's distracting. His hand comes up and rests against my jaw, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek. Deep breath. I can do this…I can. I already said I love him. And he loves me, too. Just take the damn leap Meredith Grey. Deep breath. I meet his deep blue eyes and nearly lose my nerve. Nearly.

"Derek? I um…I just…you said…and I…" Shit. Rambling. Try again. I sigh. "You said you'll wait?" I'm hoping, here. Scared, but still hoping.

He gets that look in his eyes, the one that makes me feel like I'm the only one he sees in the world.

"For you? Always. As long as you need. I'm not going anywhere, not ever again."

His voice is soft, quiet, but I can hear the conviction and the promise underlining every word. I'm literally melting right now. Seriously. Stupid McDreamyness. Stupid me for totally loving it.

"I'm ready." The words just fly right out of my mouth, surprising both of us. As soon as they do, I know. I'm sure. The sense of panic I half expected never comes.

He freezes. And very slowly sits up. The next thing I know, I'm cradled on his lap, his arms tight around me and his face buried against my neck. I think I feel a wetness on my neck as he trembles slightly. It shakes me, his reaction. But it also fills some of the missing-piece spaces deep inside my soul. I think I do to him what he does to me. I've never meant that much to anyone before. And Derek…oh god, to be that for him…its…amazing. And real in a way nothing else is. I stroke his back and neck soothingly, trying to swallow the lump building in my throat.

I manage a whisper. It's all I'm capable of. "Slow, okay? I want this…forever…with you. More than anything. I swear. But I'm scared, too. So…just slow, okay?" Wow. More honest than I've ever been with him before. But it's okay. With him, it's okay.

I feel his nod against my neck and he echoes "slow." His face comes up and our eyes meet once again, a wordless promise passing between us. The sexiest, dreamiest smile I've ever seen graces his lips. Shivers travel down my spine once again. God, what this man can do to me with just a look.

"Thank you Meredith. For giving us the chance at our forever."

The tears I was holding back break free. It's a silent cry, a healing one. Derek seems to understand, as he just pulls me into his arms again and presses light kisses to my hair.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." The words barely make a sound, but he hears them. I can tell by the way his arms tighten around me. Safe. I'm safe. And wanted. And very much loved. I've never had that, not until him. He rubs my back gently, while I try to stop crying. Happy crying, but I still want to stop.

I have a forever. The details can wait to be worked out later. The future…well, it will come. It won't be perfect and maybe not even easy. But we're us…easy would be boring and highly overrated. The future seems full of possibilities.

Okay, I'm a sap. I really am. I just hide it better than most. Or maybe Derek's rubbing off on me. I don't know. I don't care. Right now, this moment in time, everything is perfect. I have a forever. With my McDreamy, my Derek, my One.

I finally stop crying and pull away from him, wiping my hand across my eyes. "Slow" I reiterate with a nod.

He tilts his head—seriously, he needs to stop that!—and gives me the most lascivious grin ever.

"I can do slow. Earth shattering slow." Images fill my mind. Dirty images. He really is the most perfect man for me.

I smirk and move to straddle his hips, wrapping my hand around the base of his hardening shaft. He moans deep in his throat. Leaning forward, I bite his ear and murmur "Prove it."

The next thing I know, I'm stretched out beneath him with both of my wrists captured over my head in one of his hands. My last rational thought as his eyes meet mine?

I could lose myself in him. My forever. Finally.

I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

A/N: Constructive crit. very welcome at this point. Like it or hate it, feel free to let me know!