Jane Rizzoli. 38 years old. Homicide detective. As the words that defined her rolled around in her mind, she couldn't help but laugh at her current situation: badass Rizzoli soaking in a bubble bath with mood lighting. It wasn't a humorous laugh, however. More of a defeated, how did I get here reflex. Nothing more than the releasing of breath; face muscles flexing. Because really, how could she laugh? She was in no position to be laughing.
Jane sighed and let her head fall back against the towel lined edge of the free standing tub. Her hands wandered beneath warm water, sliding over her stomach before she let her head roll from side to side as tears cascaded down her cheeks.
The detective was on the verge of sobbing when a quiet knock startled her.
"Jane," Maura's gentle voice called from the other side of the bathroom door, "It's me. May I come in?"
Jane quickly wiped at her face, hoping the dim lighting would help hide her tears. Sitting up slightly, she made sure her "parts" were covered by suds before answering, "Yeah, come in."
Maura quietly entered her master bathroom, shutting the door behind her. "Is it alright if I come over there?" she asked, wanting to be respectful of Jane's privacy, but so badly wanting to comfort her.
"I'm covered," Jane replied, trying and failing to sound cheerful. "You can come here."
The doctor adjusted the dimmer, giving the room just a bit more light before walking over to the tub. She set down the items she was carrying before sliding over a stool and taking a seat. Now sitting eye-level with the detective; her figure horizontal with where Jane's knees hid beneath the water.
Jane kept her eyes closed until Maura spoke again.
"I brought you some tylenol." Maura held out a glass of water and unfolded her hand, "it should help with the pain." Jane opened her eyes. "The physical pain," she quickly clarified, shaking her head, "sorry."
"Don't apologize," Jane replied with a raspy voice and took the offered items from Maura. Popping back the pills, she took a sip of water and held out the glass. "Thank you," she replied when her friend took it from her and placed it on the floor.
"Can I get you anything?" Maura asked, wanting to be helpful.
Jane shook her head and looked down, away from Maura's gaze. The kindness staring back at her was too much to take at the moment.
"Alright," Maura said, her voice quiet; gentle. "I'll let you relax." She went to stand, but was stopped by a wet hand on her wrist.
"Wait," Jane whispered and squeezed the delicate wrist. Maura looked down and was met with pleading eyes."Stay. Please. Stay."
Maura smiled weakly and sat back down. "Okay."
Jane squeezed once more before letting her hand disappear beneath the water.
The two sat in silence for a while. Jane's hands drifted back to her stomach and she rested her head back against the towel. Closing her eyes, she pulled in her knees, causing each one to peek out from the bubbles.
Maura leaned against the edge of the tub and reached out to touch a sudsy kneecap. She watched a small smile spread across Jane's face as her fingertips gently traced shapes on the exposed skin. Occasionally she let her hand slip beneath the water to gently massage a tense calf muscle before emerging above the surface to resume her soothing ministrations.
After a while, the silence was broken by a soft sniffle, causing Maura to look up from the water to see slow, steady tears trickle down her friend's cheeks. Her heart ached at the sight.
Knowing that talking was probably the last thing Jane wanted to do, Maura couldn't resist taking the risk. She rested her palm on Jane's knee and squeezed before saying: "How are you feeling?"
Moments passed without a response as Maura sat there, watching her friend continue to cry, refusing to open her eyes. She watched her throat twitch as Jane struggled to choke back a sob.
Wanting nothing more than to pull Jane from the water, hold her and make everything better, Maura resisted. Instead opting to dip her hand beneath the surface to find Jane's hand. The doctor almost burst into tears when she found its location: clutching at her abdomen protectively. Maura bit her lip and with her free hand, quickly wiped at a tear that had escaped.
After gently extracting Jane's hand from the water, Maura gave it a comforting squeeze and brought it to her lips, pressing lightly.
"Whatever you're feeling," she whispered soothingly between soft kisses, "it's ok to feel."
There was a short pause before Jane asked, "How am I supposed to feel?" Wet, brown eyes met hazel.
Maura was quiet for a moment as she pondered what to say. Even with all her training; all her knowledge, nothing could've prepared her for this. She looked up to meet Jane's gaze, noticing the hopeful, searching look in her eyes. She hoped understanding and honesty reflected in her own.
"I…" Maura began and sighed, "I'm honestly not quite sure." She felt Jane try to pull away, but Maura redoubled her grip, squeezing tight. "I wish I knew, Jane. I hate not having the answers," she paused. "I want so badly to say the right thing; to take your pain away." She kissed a knuckle. "I'm so sorry… please, know that I'm here for you. No matter what. No matter what you're feeling or not feeling, I'll be right here for you the entire time, alright? To talk or to listen… whatever. I'm here for you."
"I know," Jane whispered her reply. She hated feeling so vulnerable.
"Do you want to get out of the tub?" Maura asked. "You're looking a little prune-y," she said lightly.
Jane let out a small laugh and looked down at the water, noticing the bubbles that once shielded her had disappeared. Her cheeks blushed, feeling exposed, even though Maura's eyes remained on her face.
Jane nodded.
With one more squeeze, Maura let go of Jane's hand and stood up. "I'll go get the guest room ready," she said before stopping at the doorframe. "Actually," she turned to look back at Jane, "why don't you stay with me tonight?"
Jane smiled at her. "Thank you."
"Of course," she replied with a matching smile. "I put a change of clothes on the counter," she gestured to the vanity. "Take your time. I'll be in my room when you're ready," she said and closed the door behind her.
How did I get so lucky? How did I end up with a best friend who understands me so completely? Jane stepped out of the tub, her aching body causing her to wince. Once dry, shedropped the towel and walked over to the vanity, pausing briefly to look at the varying shades of purple across her abdomen, side and back. The detective sighed and changed into her sweatpants and oversized t-shirt.
After brushing her teeth (with the extra toothbrush Maura kept just for her) Jane emerged from the bathroom just as Maura stepped out of her closet, dressed in pajamas. Maura smiled when she looked up and saw Jane.
"I'm just going to make us some tea, alright? It might help you relax." The doctor placed a comforting hand on Jane's arm before passing. "I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable."
When Maura returned ten minutes later, Jane way lying on her back, eyes closed, head lolled slightly to the side with hair covering her face. Quietly, she set the two steaming mugs on the bedside table and perched herself on the side of the bed, taking a moment to look at her friend; her friend who had lived through so much pain. Reaching out, she gently tucked the stray hair behind an ear before resting her palm on her friend's cheek.
"I'm not asleep," Jane mumbled.
"I know."
Jane opened her eyes and gave Maura a confused look.
"Your breathing," Maura replied with a smile, "I could tell by your breathing," she clarified and continued to run her hands through Jane's hair, knowing it was soothing. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.
Jane paused, taking a moment to look at her friend, seeing nothing but love and honesty. "I feel," Jane began, but her voice got lost. She cleared her throat and tried again, "I feel a lot of things."
Maura nodded. "That's normal, I think."
"Part of me feels sad…. then angry…" she drifted off, pausing for a long time. She was grateful Maura didn't push her; allowed her to take her time. "And maybe a little bit… relief. I feel relieved. Sort of."
If Maura was surprised by the confession, she didn't show it. Instead, she reached out for Jane's hand and held it between her own. Her thumbs massaged the scar tissue.
Tears started to roll down the detective's cheeks. "Relief because… because I would've been a horrible mother."
"Jane," Maura quickly responded.
"No," Jane said, "it's true. I mean, look at me. I couldn't even protect her while she was inside me."
"Her?" the question slipped from Maura's lips.
"No," Jane shook her head, "see, I couldn't even keep it alive long enough to find out!" Her tears fell rapidly. "I guess, in that sense, I saved him or her."
"Don't," Maura said, her eyes filling with tears. "Don't say that," she said firmly, cupping Jane's face, her thumbs swiping at her cheeks. "It's not true." Her friend's face was hot and flushed.
"Why," Jane gasped, "then why?" she begged for an answer. "Why is it that everyone I love gets taken away from me? Or-or leaves me?" she choked out.
"Oh, Jane." Maura's heart ached. Gently, she nudged her friend until she could slip in beside her. The doctor leaned back against the headboard, gathering Jane in her arms.
Jane clung to her, sobbing against her chest, hands twisting her pajama top. Maura held on, doing her best not to have a breakdown of her own. This was Jane's moment to grieve. She wrapped an arm around her friend, bringing the other to gently rest against the side of Jane's face, holding her close.
"You're my best friend and I love you, Jane. I love you and I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere," she tried to assure her. "No matter what, I'll always be here."
When Maura felt Jane begin to calm, she kissed the top of her head and gently stroked her hair.
"I think you'd be a wonderful mother."