Disclaimer: I do not own anything except for the plot. Which means Harry Potter and all its characters belong to a Miss J.K. Rowling and the song, All Around Me, belongs to the band Flyleaf. There you have it.
A/N: Let me just say that this was a way weird story for me to write. I'm not a huge fan of Sirius/Lily, but I was listening to this wonderful song, by flyleaf and it played like a music video in my head. So I wrote it all down. I hope you enjoy it. Reviews are wonderful. Please and Thank You.
My
hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I
feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for
you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to
seeing you
I'm not happy. That's what I know. This is what I've known for months now. I am not happy. I am not whole. I am merely a shell of all the things I used to be. I am not me. I am this walking, talking, breathing thing that looks like Lily Evans, but doesn't have her spark, or her ability to hold a simple conversation. It's all his fault. My life revolved around him and he left. He made me fall in love and then he left. A loveless girl is a lifeless girl and this is now what I am. What he made me. What James Potter made me. But there are ways to feel again, ways to bring myself back to life…if only for a few moments.
I close my eyes only for a moment and I feel him. I can almost imagine it's my James. Almost. But his presence is much different. Stronger, more aggressive. Almost angry. Sirius Black always had some burden to carry. Before I even open my eyes, I want him to touch me. I reach out for him, but he doesn't come. I open my eyes, frustrated. I lick my lips imagining the feel of his on mine. I can practically feel him on me but he still doesn't come. He looks at me as if searching for something. I feel violated, he's searching too deep. Why doesn't he just touch me?
He stares at me, he wants me to object. He knows I won't. I never do. I need him. He leans in and his lips touch mine and I'm on fire. My entire being is shaking with the intensity of it. I open my eyes and for a second I almost believed I'd see James…but I never do. I close my eyes again and focus on the feeling.
I'm
alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the
air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this
heart that's healing
Every touch sends shockwaves down my spine. Every caress makes it harder to breathe. He's amazing at what he does and he doesn't realize it. I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe if I keep them closed a little longer this will last. This feeling won't leave me, and his hands won't stop touching me and my heart will keep beating. My breathing quickens, the air gets thicker, and He can't stop. He just can't. I think I might die at this point from the feeling of it. I sink deeper and deeper into him, into us. Into everything. This is the only thing that matters; I feel something other than hurt and pain. I feel healed…almost.
My
hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin
to fade
Into our secret place
My hands grip the sheets as he does things that make me unable to breathe for moments at a time. His hand traces my stomach and a sharp intake of breath tells him that it's too much to fast, He slows his pace. He leans up, kissing all the way up my neck, chin and then finally mouth. He holds himself above me and I take a few minutes to slow my breathing. He gently takes my hands releasing them from the bed sheets and pulls my arms over my head.
He kisses my neck again, but this time he leads all the way up to my ear. "I love you" He whispers softly and I shiver. He does love me, just not in the way that would be normally acceptable in this situation. He's a friend. A good friend. A best friend. A friend who did exactly what I asked of him. I asked this of him. At first he objected, thinking me to be crazy, but the more he saw of my depression, the more serious he took me. He was the only one who could make me feel. It was almost right after James broke up with me. Sirius squeezed my shoulder, and through my numbness I could feel the electric shock shoot through me. He brushed my hand in potions and I felt the heat. He was my trigger. He was the only one who could help.
Another sharp intake of breath and he stops caressing my side, waiting for me to look up at him, as I do so he begins again, leaning down to whisper "I love you" again. I close my eyes and I think of James. Now the real feeling begins. In my head I have my boy back; this is him when he comes to visit me in our secret place.
The
music makes me sway I'm alive, I'm alive
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I
am alone and they are too with you
I
can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm
breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart
that's healing
He's a god. He really is. He can make me feel a million different things all at once. He tricks me into believing that he's my boy. That I love him. He's good at what he does. He does this with a lot of girls. The truth is, I'm more alive with him than ever. James will always be the only one to make me feel perfect…like me, But Sirius will always be the only one to make me feel anything other than pain and despair when I am without James. His touch is everywhere, his skin caresses mine, his fingertips trail the structure of my body, his lips explore where his fingertips leave off. I feel as if I am ready to explode. One more wave of caresses and I just might blow.
And so
I cry I'm alive, I'm
alive, I'm alive
The light is white
And I see you
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the
air I'm breathing
Holding
on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
We finish and for a moment everything is perfect. I'm full of feelings and emotions that I can handle. Emotions that are good. Feelings that I wish to feel. The heat is still present in my body and I'm so hot I feel I might die from it, but it's almost a good feeling. I glance over at Sirius and we share secret smiles, he is my personal savior and I will forever be in debt to him. I think that I save him from something too, something almost as frightening as what he saves me from: loneliness. I feel another set of eyes on me and I frown, that is a very uncomfortable gaze. I notice it isn't Sirius' and I glance quickly behind me. At first I feel as if I am dreaming. My boy can not be here, standing in the door way. He can't. Then I realize it isn't a dream and he is standing there and I am currently in a rather compromising position with his best friend.
I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. My mouth has gone dry and will most certainly crumble to pieces in a matter of minutes. I feel the tears in my chest before I feel them on my face. He was never meant to see. I was never supposed to see his heart break right in front of me. This was never supposed to happen. He looks at me and he looks at Sirius and the heartbreak is evident, clear as a summer's day, but I don't say anything. I watch and I wait. Sirius mumbles something or other beside me, but I don't hear and neither does James, he takes off at a run down the steps as I'm left with Sirius in complete and utter shock.
Take my
hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said
you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
Sirius is quick. He catches me before I fall into a helpless downward spiral. I feel breathless. Emotionless. I feel like I'm about to break and I can feel it, but Sirius refuses to let me.
"It's okay. You're okay Lily…" I start to shake. He's seen this happen before. Once before. The day James broke up with me. He swore I'd never have to feel that pain ever again, or do exactly what I happen to be doing now, ever again.
"Lily stop it." He says and I feel completely helpless, I can't control it. I'm shaking and I'm crying and I have no control over it. I feel his arms around me and it forces the shaking to mellow.
"Listen to me." He says as he softly strokes my hair. "You're okay. You're Lily Evans and you're beautiful, and you're okay…you're strong. You can handle anything that comes you're way. Lily are you listening to me?"
His words stop my shaking and I nod very softly and he continues. "I will never let anything bad happen to you. Do you hear me? I won't ever leave you. You're safe with me. Perfectly safe." I believe him. I believe every word he says He'll protect me and I know it. He loves me and I know it…but god, the look on his face when he saw us…I look up at Sirius and take his face in my hands. "He won't ever forgive us for this."
I can
feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding
on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed
3 months later
James and I are working things out. He still hasn't forgiven me for what he saw. I still haven't apologized. I won't apologize for it. Sirius was my savior for so long and I wouldn't have survived without him. James won't even talk to him for now. Somehow its more his fault than it is mine…I don't understand. I know it was wrong on some level…but I love Sirius. In more ways then one.
He's my best friend. My lover. My…everything. Only James is all of that and so much more. Someitmes I wonder what would've happened if James hadn't taken me back. If Sirius and I were still…Sirius and I. We barely speak anymore. He says the occasional hello but we both know that what we had can never be again. I love James. My heart is finally healed, and without Sirius I would've never even gotten this far. Now that I have, I won't ever take my boy for granted again.