Ok, this is something I don't even know. I don't know what the hell it is, make of it what you will. I found it in with all my writing documents and I'm not sure when I wrote it, but here you go.
I want her.
She who is there always, dancing close to the fine line between light and darkness, where she is the sun and I am the shadows. She who taunts me with innocent eyes, colored with the leaves of autumn, bright with anticipation and love, excitement and hidden knowledge. There she dances, near yet far, unknowingly teasing with a smile, dainty and delicate, small and soft, while I stare longingly at the candy that is her mouth. She most know, but cannot know, the aching and yearning, and oh, be still my heart, though non-existent that belongs to her, only her and her alone.
Though one day, when the breeze was barely there, caressing her dark, chocolate and lovely hair with a lovers touch so gentle I felt the beginnings of jealousy starting to brew, and the sky was blue, always blue, and she was twirling, the white fabric of her dress twirling right along with her in their own private dance. I told myself as I became mesmerized yet again, look anywhere but her, but I couldn't, not ready to risk losing sight of her for even a moment.
She who tamed the soulless monster, the heartless beast who feasted on the fear, grief and life of others, with love so strong it was overwhelming, so strong it was almost in danger of taking control, and the beast that raged inside despised losing control. I, the one who could not feel, though I feel the anger, resentment, the desire and the lust when she gives away those kisses without a price tag, while I linger and lurk in the darkness, in the shadows that taint the perfection and the bright that is her world, a world where I am not welcome, full of sweet and lovely things.
I watch her that day, closely, carefully, even more so that usual because my mind is telling me, something is coming, and it is urgent and needy and right as I feel a foreign something working through my system and I am worried for the first time, though it was a long time coming, but nothing unnerves the beast inside, and not even pretty pink petals, all soft like silk, can infiltrate the darkness of my mind. For days I watch, do not even think, because thinking would overshadow the desperation, the calls of carefulness, the pleas - until they are no more, my mind is still, quiet. Peace seeps into my body, and the voices stop and hell, I close my eyes and bask in the lovely, oh so lovely, complete contentment I feel for the first time in what must be an eternity or more.
A hesitant breath of my name floats on the wind, Edward, it calls, though any trace of gentleness is lost on the harsh howl that reaches my realm in the darkness and I know it's her, always has been her, and likely always will be. She whispers please, and I note that her voice is the chiming of bells, the singing of an angel, and the angel pleas for me to open my eyes, though for what reason I cannot be certain, because they show my nature, the terrifying truth of my existence, but I comply anyway and oh, she is close, so close to crossing the line that I can smell her candy, flowers, and sunshine. I watch her bloom and glow in the rays of the sun, her petals opening and living and it is then that I know what she needs, because I think perhaps she must, simply must, feel this complicated emotion that I feel for her. But my thoughts darken as she takes the first step, so small and light, into the shadows and she begins to wilt and I know that no matter her emotions, this will be a first hello, a final goodbye and a glimpse into an existence that could never be.
Her fingers trace my cheek, my lips, the dark rings beneath the crimson of my eyes, touch lighter than a butterflies kiss, and I lean into the touch because her touch is perfect, soft and warm and just perfect and I am deperate to feel, to feel only her. And finally, after a lifetime of waiting, waiting and aching for her and a hint of those kisses that she gives away to anyone but me, she presses her lips, soft as those pretty pink petals to my hard, cold cheek, and I hurt, for I know that now is the time I have never wanted.
She brushes the hair from my face, and chocolate meets the blood of those lost as she gazes at me, unblinking and her faces is pale, paler than it ever should be and she her lips meet mine and I can taste her, better than her smell and I allow my fingers one, just one, touch of her beautiful face, beautiful Bella, and her skin is soft, fragile and a touch to hard could break her, shatter her into a million pieces. She pulls away, and tells me, I love you, Edward, but you cannot love. I try, try with all my being to reply, I love you, Bella, because I know it's true, but it won't come and I whimper as a final stroke of my cheek is a parting farewell and she twirls and dances away with new-found sadness. I am overcome with guilt and grief, knowing that I am, again, the cause of such a feeling.
She is right though, the girl who is pure, innocent and lovely, thriving on the sunshine and the kindness and love of others. We could never be, the darkness and light, never meeting at our purest and simplest, save for the sweetest touch of dusk and dawn, but only for a moment, a sweet momement, and then it is gone and I will burn in the sun and she will wither in the shadows. And I watch her go, weighed down with a burden to heavy, leaving her only and impossible love behind where she cannot venture, and I remain cold, empty, and unloved by all but her and the predetors who come out to play under the moonlight, so far from the sun in it's passion and all of it's glory.
She whispers, breathes and dances love, radiates it to even those undeserving like me, and we are unworthy, I am unworthy.
She was all I ever wanted, and she was all I could never have.
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This was just a one off, becaue writing is the least of my worries right this minute. Though, you never know, you might get a surprise along the line. Like I said before, I have no idea what this thing is, but it is, and that's all that matters. Mimi xo