Hi, my name is homer. I work in a nuclear power plant in my local town Springfield but because of my love of nature and beer I'm slowly destroying both. I am having a drink at my favourite bar in Springfield, Moe's Tavern.
"Hey Barney, what are you doing back here?" Moe says with smug look.
"I just want to apologise for my past behaviour." Barney replied.
"You already did that."
"Oh… it was in my diary." I grab his diary from him.
"This is last year's diary." I say with a laugh.
"So?"
"Well your suppose to get a new one every year."
"Oh….. can I borrow 5?" He asks Lenny, a good friend of mine who agrees.
"You owe me, while you got 5 you might as well buy yourself a drink." Lenny says with a twinkle in his eyes.
"Stop twinkling!!" I scream at him.
"I'm sorry, it's a kidney stone that found its way near my brain." He responds and even though that makes no sense I'm too drunk to care.
"Dancing in the shadows," Moe says.
"Why did you say that?" I ask and he shrugs his shoulders. That was all typical behaviour of my friends, or so I have become to call them. I walk home and now it's time to introduce my stupid family.
"Homie, how are you?" Marge asks.
"I don't know, cook me some food woman." I say harshly at her who groans and returns to the kitchen. I have three children, Maggie (6 years old), Lisa (14 years old) and Bart (17 years young apparently). They were a head ache, believe me.
"Daddy I hurtee myy fenger." Maggie says but I don't respond to her.
"Hey Bart, where do you think your going?" I ask Bart who looks dressed for something.
"A drinking party with plenty or sex, drugs and horny chicks." He replies.
"Oh, ok." I respond as I wave him goodbye and he jumps into his own car and drives away.
"Daddy, Bart's room smellz lyk Otto's scwool buzz."
"I don't care ok?" I shall at Maggie who starts to cry.
"I didn't mean it like that." I say in a posh voice.
"Dad, what are you doing?" Lisa asked, she walked into the room with Martin Prince.
"What does it look like? I'm doing what I do best, nothing!!" I reply to my daughter of 14 years.
"Well, while you got spare time on your hands I think you should take out the garbage."
"You would think that wouldn't you, Meegie go get daddy a beer." It's not a great life I live but I'll like you to live a better one in today's society. All I hear is murder this, rape this, Homer did that, I'm getting really sick of your behaviour, your not suppose to have sex while driving. Tell all that to my ass who does what it wants, when it wants. Except shit sometimes, yeah it does get hard to shit at times… I have to take laxatives sometimes to make it easier but then I'm stuck on the bowl for years to come.
Today was the change of my life as I knew it, I got a letter from the power plant, one that none of the family has since yet. I kept it hidden, they don't need to know the horrible truth. After years and years of being a bad father now I'm going to be a poor one too. I have just found out I been fired and I have no idea what to do about it.
"So how was everybody's day?" Marge asked as I sat down for diner. Everyone had already started which was weird because I was usually the first to start and finish before asking for more.
"Mine was good mummy, I saw a cute leetle kitty." Maggie replies.
"It wasn't bad, me and Martin finally finished our physics assignment, too much work." Lisa replied. Bart was still at that party.
"How was your day Homie?"
"Huh?" I replied.
"I asked how your day was."
"Oh… it was alright I guess, no big news at the power plant. No reason to call them up or anything." I say nervously.
"Oh that's good, I told you to stay out of trouble at work didn't I?"
"You might have mentioned it once or twice but I don't keep track of all my conversations." I say with a smirk.
"Well, I'm done… I'll see you in bed darling." I say getting up from my seat.
"But Homer, you hardly touched your food."
"Well I'm just saving it for later…" I say truthfully.
"But why?"
"Do you have to ask me about everything?" I reply running to the room. How can I be a good father and a heavy alcoholic with no job? This is too much, I wish there was an easier solution.