"Liz, you stole my husband!"
"But you weren't married anymore."
"Fine, you nicked my boyfriend!"
"Err...you weren't dating anymore either."

Jessica Wakefield was angry. Her twin had taken Mike from her. She had decided to stop mourning Nick to deal with the problem. So, she called her brother, Steven, for help. When he picked up, she started to cry.

"Steve, Liz stole my boyfriend!"
"Mhm."
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"Nothing."
"Why not?!"
"You're lying. Nick's dead."
"Not Nick! Mike!"
"I'm glad he's moved on. I wish it was with someone who wasn't your twin. I'm not dealing with this."
"But he's my husband."
"You were the one that got an annulment, Jess."
"Why won't she stop stealing my men!?"

Steven had refused to help her. Fortunately, her best friend was a phone call away. Lila always listened to her.

"Lila, Liz keeps nicking my men!"
"Didn't you like make out with Todd countless times behind her back?"
"That's not the point. They weren't married!"
"Married? Wait we are talking about Nick here, aren't we?"
"Lila, get with the program. I'm taking a few minutes off mourning Nick to make Liz look like a terrible sister. It's Mike!"
"I thought you'd finished with him ages ago."
"Still, I had him first!"
"Sorry Jessica, I can't talk right now. I'm busy with Bruce; call back in a few hours."

Lila didn't understand. Liz was paying for the phone bill, so she decided to call Isabella, in Europe.

"Hello, this is Isabella Ricci."
"Izzy! Mike's betraying me with Liz!"
"Who is this?"
"Jessica Wakefield! Your BFF!"
"Who is Mike?"
"My husband."
"And this Liz?"
"My twin."
"Even though I have no clue who the Hell any of you are, I think that you should totally dump him."
"I'm glad you agree with me Izzy!"
"I have to go now, Jessica. Good bye."
"Love ya!"

Finally, someone agreed with her! She decided to drive to Mike's apartment to deliver the news to him. Mike lived below her big brother and his girlfriend, Billie. Jessica liked to annoy them. She could see Billie glaring at her from her bedroom window. Jessica raced into Mike's apartment without knocking. Mike jumped up in surprise.

"Jess, what are you doing here?"
"I've just come here to dump you."
"Err... are you alright?"
"I will be once I've dumped you."
"Ok, then, I'm dumped. Now are you sure you haven't taken too many of those happy pills you're on?"
"Of course I haven't. Isabella told me to dump you."
"Oh, wow, big change there then."
"Stop being sarcastic. I'm dumping you remember."
"Ok, even though we're not going out, why am I being dumped?"
"Liz told me about you and her."
"Me and... Hang on, how did you know where I live? I've moved since we were together."
"Oh, Liz told me, after I threatened to tell everyone about it. Not that stopped me telling everyone of course..."

"Who did you tell?"

"Lila, Isabella, Steven. I'm not finished yet though."
"My life is none of those people's business!"
"You're friends with Steven, Izzy doesn't even remember you-"
"You're just pissed because I've moved on! You've had plenty of other loves, why can I?"
"You don't love Liz. You're going to use her, just like with me!"
"I don't notice you with Nick anymore. He wasn't good enough?"
"Nick's dead you jackass!"
"Oh...I'm sorry Jess."

"So you should be sorry!"
"Still... the sex was better with me, right?"
"Mike!"
"Ok, I'm sorry for the comment about Nick."
"I just don't understand how you could like Liz. I mean I know she's nice and caring and I'm selfish and spiteful, but I'm the pretty one!"
"It was just one of those things. It's not like I even got any action in the end."
"So you still like me better?"
"Well ...um...like you said you're the ...uh ... pretty one."
"Ok as long as you like me better."
"Of course, and if we're going to break up, maybe we could have some make up sex first. You know, if you felt so inclined..."

"But it would disgrace Nick's memory."

"Please, Jess."
"Sure."

To be honest, Jessica didn't much care about Nick. She only liked aggravating Mike. It was almost better than annoying her family. She could hear Steven and Billie talking about her in their upstairs apartment. She enjoyed the attention.

"Billie, Jessica gone off on a rampage because she's found Mike's been seeing Liz."
"He's been what ...?"
"Oh, you know, apparently one of my sisters isn't enough for him!"
"Geez, Steven, ever since I met you, your sisters have been a pain in the butt. It all started with the Margo thing remember."
"Yeah, I remember. That was a great time..."
"Steven, she was trying to kill your sisters!"
"I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about meeting you."
"Aww, that's sweet."
"What are we going to do with Jessica, though?"
"Who the hell cares, you look darn hot in that shirt."

Elizabeth pulled into a parking space next to a car that looked like Jessica's. She didn't think it was, as Jessica would never go after someone Elizabeth had been with. She couldn't believe what she had almost done. She noticed that her brother's door was locked. Her mother had given her a spare key for emergencies. This definitely was one. She slowly opened the door. Maybe they didn't want to be disturbed. She decided that she was always welcomed.

"Oh my God, Liz!"
"Steven, I've done something terrible."
"Liz, I'm kind of in the middle of something here."
"You don't understand..."
"Liz!"
"Fine, I'll just go sob to Mike about it. He won't send me away."

Elizabeth closed the door. As she walked away, she decided to call Nina. She would know what Billie and Steven had been doing. She couldn't help overhearing part of their conversation as she walked away.

"She did it again!"
"She's obviously upset about something, was it wise to let her go to Mike's?"
"He'll take care of her."
"He's changed a lot."
"Now where were we?"

Elizabeth hoped they weren't doing that disgusting thing. She knew Nina could tell her what she had walked in on. She heard Nina pick up on the other end.

"Hey, Liz, what are you calling you for?"
"You know that Mike I mentioned I was seeing. Well it was Jessica's Mike."
"Oh, Liz, that doesn't sound like a good thing!"
"I know but that's not what I'm ringing about. I went to see Steven about it and I think I might just have walked in on him having sex."
"Were they naked and yell at you for walking in?"
"Pretty much."
"Then yeah you did."
"But Steven doesn't do things like that."
"How do you think Billie got pregnant?"
"I sort of figured the clinic did it for her... Anyway I'd better go warn Mike that Jessica knows."
"Liz, don't you..."
"Bye, Nina."

Elizabeth never knew that Steven and Billie had had sex. Her mom had said that Billie had gotten pregnant by drinking hot chocolate. Alice Wakefield never lied. She quickly knocked on Mike's door. A disheveled Mike answered. A panicked look came over his face.

"Mike! I need to talk to you!"
"What?"
"Jessica knows."
"I know that Liz."
"But how?"
"Jessica came and told me."

"Then how come you're still in one piece?"
"Well, you know Jess, she's just interested in that Nick guy at the moment."
"She's seemed pretty angry though."
"I think she calmed down a little bit."
"Does this mean she's not going to be after my blood anymore?"
"I guess so."
"Can I come in for a coffee? I think I need to calm down from all this stress."
"Now, might not be the best time."
"Come on, it won't take a minute."

"No Liz."
"Why-why not?"
"It's for your own good."
"But I need to talk to someone."
"Go to your brothers then."
"But, he and Billie were-"
"I'm sure they can talk to you now. Go."

"I can't."
"Of course you can. Steven will help you."
"He's too busy helping Billie right now!"
"They'll be finished by now, I'm sure."
"Why are you trying to get rid of me?"
"I'm not, it's just..."
"You've got a woman in there, haven't you?"
"No..."
"How could you so soon after us?"
"I haven't got a woman in here."
"Then you'll let me in, won't you?"

"Fine. I'll let you in."
"Good."
"Only so you can call your brother."
"No!"
"Why? He can help you. I can't."
"He's a traitor! A damn traitor! Billie is too!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"He and Billie... I walked in on them."
"So?"
"I thought they were virgins!"
"Like you?"

Elizabeth wondered how Mike knew about that. She hadn't seen her virginity ring in several months.

"Who said I was a virgin?"
"It got kind of obvious after the four times we didn't do it."
"Is that all you think about?"
"Pretty much."
"Fine I'll come in and call Steven, even if he is sleeping with Billie, at least he doesn't just think with his penis all the time."
"Wow, you actually know what it's called!"

Trying to contain her tears, Elizabeth ran to Mike's phone. She dialed the number from memory. Their answering machine picked up.

"Hi you've reached Steve and Billie. We don't feel like answering your call right now, but if you leave a message we might get back to you. Later."
"Hi, it's me, Liz. Look, I was just calling to-"
"Hello?"
"Hi Billie."
"I thought you were going to Mike's."
"I am at Mike's. I'm coming back."

"What? Why can't you stay there?"
"Hey!"
"Sorry, Liz, I mean of course you can come over, if you wanted to take a little detour on the way that wouldn't be a problem though ..."
"Ok, thanks, Billie, see you in a minute."
"See, Liz I told you that would sort it. Now let's get you out of here."
"Ok, Mike, I'm sorry for barging in on you..."
"Mike, what's taking so long? Are you coming back in or..."

Elizabeth knew that voice. It was her baby sister Jessica. She was appalled.

"Jessica Ann Wakefield! He's your ex husband!"
"He loves me more."
'You disgust me!"
"I can't believe you thought Billie and Steve had never fucked! I thought you were kidding when you asked how she got pregnant!"
"I'm leaving now. You can't stop me."
"Bye bye, Lizzie!"

Elizabeth had never been so offended in her life! She decided to go for a drive before going up to her brother's. She thought it might be good to take up smoking. She decided to ring her mother.

"Mom, help!"
"Elizabeth sweetheart, what is it?"
"Mom, it's terrible!"
"What's terrible?"
"I went to see Steven and Billie and they were having sex!"
"Oh, Liz is that all? For a moment I thought something was seriously wrong."
"What do you mean? There is something seriously wrong; I almost took up smoking because of the trauma!"
"Geez, Liz, take a chill pill."

Elizabeth couldn't believe her mother! She only hoped that Mike was thinking of her. Turning the car around, she headed back to Misoma. She knew Billie and Steven were anxiously waiting.

"That would be Liz."
"I am so sorry about earlier-"
"It's fine."
"No it's not. I feel so bad. I had no clue you two were doing it. I swear, Billie."
"What? Did you just say you thought we were virgins? I think you need to sit down."
Liz sits on the couch next to Steven. Steven glances at her.
"I really wouldn't sit there."
"Why not?"
"Why not? You saw what we were doing!"
"What? The horizontal mumbo jumbo?"

"Exactly"
"It doesn't matter. Mom told me it's no big deal."
"You went to tell mom about our sex life?"
"Well I've had a lot of trauma to deal with today. First you and Billie and then Mike and Jes..."
"Jes?"
"Jes-Jessith! This right bitch he's seeing."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Liz."
"Its ok we were over anyway. Is it ok if I use your bathroom?"
"Sure."
"Does she think we're stupid?"
"So Mike and Jessica are sleeping together. I thought she was upset over Nick. Even I'm confused now!"
"Mike's got a lot of explaining to do."

"Elizabeth...We know Mike is seeing Jessica."
"You knew? You let me go there knowing that!"
"What Billie means-"
"I don't care what Billie means! What if it happens again?"
"What if what happens again?"
"What if Billie or Jessica get knocked up?"

Billie and Steven exchanged a glance. Steven thought carefully about how to word a response.

"Come on, Liz, the chances of that are very minimal."
"But it happened before, didn't it?"
"We're being careful, it's very unlikely."
"Why are you being so calm? I thought you'd threaten to beat Mike up or something."
"After what happened last time I'm letting her make her own decisions."
"She's just doing it to get back at me!"
"Well, that's her problem, isn't it?"
"I suppose."
"Liz, don't worry. It'll be fine. Billie and I are always careful. And I'm sure Mike and Jessica are being careful too."
"I agree with Steven, Liz, after all Mike and Jessica are responsible pe...Bloody hell!"

"What is it?"
"Yeah, Billie. What's wrong?"

"Mike and Jessica responsible people! What on earth was I saying? Liz is right we'd better go stop them!"
"Calm down, Billie, I'm sure Jessica isn't that stupid!"

Billie leaned over and began to whisper in Steven's ear.

"Remember when she and Elizabeth came to visit when they were in high school?"
"Unfortunately, yes. Why?"
"I caught her filling condoms with helium!"
"She was 16! Is that why you went on the pill?"
"Yes."
"I should thank her then."
"Steven!"

Steven shrugged innocently at Billie.

"I was just saying."
"If I understood what you guys were getting at I'm sure I'd be appalled!"
"Liz, be quiet a minute. We're trying to think."
"Billie, even if Jessica isn't always the most responsible person. I'm sure Mike wouldn't be that daft."
"You could be right. He's slept with a lot of women and never got one of them pregnant before."
"Oh thanks for reminding that the guy I just almost slept with is a man whore."
"Liz!"
"Anyway I'm sure Mike isn't stupid. He must have at least a few brain cells."
"The man that married Jessica?"

Steven kissed Billie quickly before continuing his thought.

"He might not use them, but..."
"I think I was almost raped!"
"What?"
"Mike took advantage of me!"
"Elizabeth..."
"What?!"
"I doubt he wanted to rape you. He just thought that he could get some from Jessica's twin."
"Are you saying Jess is a whore?"
"Perhaps."
"Billie! She's made some mistakes but she'd never be that."
"Liz, perfectly good people can be what you consider whores. Take Billie for an example."

Billie smacked Steven lightly before he continued.

"You're my whore. No one else's. I love you."

"I love you, too."

To the twosome's annoyance, Elizabeth wrecked the moment.

"Guys I think I need to go report him!"
"Liz, what exactly did Mike do to you?"
"He kissed me."
"Liz, I don't ..."
"Really passionate kisses!"
"Somehow I don't think the police will be interested in your case, Liz."
"I feel so violated! He just ran off to bang my identical twin!"
"Didn't you end it, Liz?"
"That's not the point..."

"She sounds like Jessica!"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"It wouldn't be the first time."
"What?"
"You were blowing up our condoms too."
"Those were balloons! Made by the Trojan company."
"Who told you they were balloons?"
"Janet."
"You asked my ex?"
"You went out with her for a week. She promised me they were plain balloons."
"Thanks Liz!"
"Why are you thanking me! Billie had to go on drugs because of it!"
"What are you talking about?"
"The Pill."
"You don't know what the pill is?"
"An addictive drug?"
"Yeah, I'd say it's up there with coke and pot."
"Those aren't drugs!"
"Oh really? What are they then?"
"A soda and cookware."

Steven rolled his eyes at his sister's stupidity. A witty retort came to his mind.

"Oh... and here I was thinking you were an investigative reporter."
"She does have a point, Steven. I mean they are those things as well."
"See and people think I'm naive! At least I didn't get married for a month when I was eighteen or get myself knocked up!"
"Hey!"
"Well, it's true."
"It would be kind of difficult to get yourself knocked up when you're more frigid than the pope!"
"How could you say that to me? You sound just like Tom!"

Billie wasn't really in the mood to be compared to Wildman Watts. She angrily screamed a response.

"Because, it's true. I wish I wasn't quoting Wildman Watts though."
"He wasn't wild!"
"Yeah. Just like he wasn't cheating on you."
"He wouldn't have dared. Except for Dana..."
"He wasn't dating you then."
"Who did he cheat on me with then?"
"Jessica!"
"Billie, I said not to tell her about that."
"I wouldn't have if she hadn't made that crack about me!"

Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears, and Billie saw her mouth the word why. Ignoring Steven's pleading looks, Billie decided to tell Elizabeth the truth.

"Well she'd put out and you wouldn't"
"They were sleeping together?!"
"I'm sorry."
"But when Jessica and Mike were married and we went around to theirs for dinner, Mike and Tom got along really well. How could he do that to him?"
"Well it didn't stop Mike going after you, did it?"
"How could Jessica do that to me?"
"Liz, you've known Jessica all your life, have you not realised what kind of person she is yet?"
"She's a good person. She may lie, cheat and be generally nasty a lot of the time but she's a really good person she is. That's why she around there with Mike just to get back at me not caring about his or my feelings."
"Ok."
"What am I saying? I'm not staying here any longer! I'm off the kill her lying bitch arse! I don't care if she's having sex or not!"