The whole Twilight Saga Review Part 1

It's common for books to have impossibly adorable girls and guys who make guys like me jealous with how many girls they got going after them. But what if the dude in question was a vampire? Well first I would avoid the garlic, and holy water, and maybe I would think about NOT BLEEDING. Hence Twilight.

Now I am reviewing ALL FOUR BOOKS of Twilight, seems like a tall order but hey let the n00b reviewer handle this his way. In short the entire plot can be summed up as such. Girl sees vamp. Vamp sees girl. They fall in love and have to deal with problems that follow with dating a vampire. Of course it can only get MORE complicated so let's start off with how I feel.

I personally see no problem with the Twilight Saga is what I wish I COULD say if the books weren't so damn complicated. Let me explain. You see the first book was like biting into my favorite candy bar a Whatchamacallit or a hot celebrity. It introduced us to Bella a girl who is a complete klutz. Imagine Archie with a tire iron in his brain. She falls for a twerp named Edward who is a vampire. Now I am not sure I like these two very much as Bella complains on how Sakura useless she is and Edward whines about how he is not right for her. GET ON WITH IT.

So the whole book is all about Bella trying to come to terms about loving a vampire who could snap her like a twig or Michael Jackson's nose and eat her, while Edward tries his best to not pull a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde impression. Dr. Jekyll here is the side that loves Bella and wants to please her and Mr. Hide being the part that wants to suck Bella dry.

Basically a romance that could have ended with a sex scene. But then three bad vampires show up while the Cullen's (family of vamps name) are playing baseball. The three bad guys want to eat Bella for no real reason. The main bad guy, James, only wants her because she smells good. That's not a great reason, if my female friends put on a Whatchamacallit scented perfume that doesn't mean I am going to stalk her and it sure as hell doesn't mean I am going to eat them. It all boils down to Bella trying to take James on alone , but then remembering she sucks and Edward cam to save her. And all that battle boiled down was James and Edward throwing each other across an empty room. Btu James gets torn apart and burned, and everyone is happy. Sorry to spoil the end like that but I thought you could predict a plot twist like "THE BAD GUY DIES".

What I liked the most about Twilight was the Cullen's from Carlisle the "Dad" of it all, to Alice the short little vampire who can see into the future, to Rosalie the hot one. My only problem was the villains came out of nowhere they just randomly show up and cause trouble. Also Edward is a lot too emo for my taste. But at least there is a probable reason for the vamps to go outside. They don't turn to dust the sparkle like some retard trying to glue diamonds onto a cat.

Next on the menu we have New Moon, which is like a nice steak, but sautéed with to much FUCKING EMONESS. Seriously this book plays out like a cheap movie. Things start off great then a dumb thing happens, main character suffers. Then when everything seems great it all turns to crap for something epic and all turns out well. That is all that happens. So if you can guess Bella endangers herself at her party in front of Jasper who can't really control himself from not eating people as well as the others and Edward feels Bella would be safer if he broke up with her. It takes months and months for her to start ACTING human which is ironic if you think about it and she tries to make herself feel better. How does she do this? Well she chills with her best friend Jacob who is Native American just in case your racism radar was going off. She has Jacob rebuild motorcycles so she can try being EXTREME.

Of course all shit goes up when Jacob vanishes for weeks and then returns with a HUGE growth spurt. Also a big ass pack of wolves have been seen. Also Jacob is a big ass wolf. SERIOUSLY why can't Bella meet a human what's next Bella has sex with Frankenstein. So Jacob let's slip that they killed one of James friends a black vampire Laurent. . . . . Wait is that racist? Native American Were wolves killing a black vampire? Man I have no fucking clue. So now the wolves are after Victoria who was James love monkey. I didn't mention her earlier because I don't really care by this point. Bella is all frightened so she tries cliff diving. Great Edward leaves when she stops thinking. Smart.

Alice returned to HUGE applause from me because she fucking rocks, the two set off to Italy. For what? SHOPPING. Not really. Apparently Rosalie told Edward that Bella jumped off a cliff and he went to go commit suicide. Can vampires do that? I mean it would hard to tear yourself apart and then lighting your self on fire. No Edward wants the rulers of all vampire's the Volturi to kills him. But Bella saves the day. . . . Some how, the cult wants Bella to become a vampire, and Bella is going to become one. . . . After graduation.

Now what I didn't like about this book was the emoness was shot up so much it was like seeing a band that does nothing but cut them I am thinking of Slipknot aren't I. Also it pissed me off by how anti-racist this book was trying to be. I know no good author has tried to give Native Americans a huge part in books, but Jacob was fine as a tall like John dude. Not humungous werewolf.

On the less whiney side I liked some of the other characters like Aro, who can read a persons past by touching them. And the book let slip some plot ideas like Bella may have an awesome super power as a vampire.

But back on the whiney side did we really need a sequel? I mean Twilight was good enough, and it really didn't end on a note that said OMFG WE NEED A SEQUEL. Now the second book has left plot holes the size of my ego and can only be filled with more sequels and pretty soon people will stop caring about Twilight all together. I know I have, but you'll have to wait until I have part two typed to see what I mean.