Background Information: Xiahou Ba has a younger sister named Xiahou Xiuying (AKA Xiuyi) and this is her answering letters in the chaotic era of the Three Kingdoms. She has long black hair and fair skin with painted red nails, a gorgeous smile, and a lean figure. Her outfit is a dark navy blue and she wears a purple cape. She wears full body armor without a helmet and uses a Flying Guillotine (The literal translation into Chinese is called 血滴子 "Blood Dripper"). [Flying Guillotine: The consensus is that it resembled a hat with a bladed rim with an attached long chain. It was used to enveloping the victims head, the blades cleanly decapitate the victim with a pull of the chain. This gives the weapon its English name. However there is evidence that the weapon may have been used by being soaked with intense venom that is so powerful it could kill another person "at the sight of a drip of blood", thus giving it its Chinese name.] It was a weapon made in the Qing Dynasty. Her weapon is called Zhansha- Beheaded. She is a serious fighter and is apart of the Wei forces as one of Cao Pi's generals.
-I wanted to write a story or humorous short story for awhile and is so happens that the concept of Xiahou dun having a niece is what drew me to come up with Xiahou Xiuying, who will be called Xiuyi a lot.
Goodbye Liu Shan and Hello Plant Ba (Brother)
Liu Shan
I am your enemy. And no, I will not become one of your concubines. You're a horrible ruler as you surrendered your kingdom. I may consider it if you get Shu to surrender to Wei.
Xiahou Xiuying
Liu Shan
Begone before I come to Shu and kill you!
Xiahou Xiuying
Liu Shan
I will convince Xingcai to kill you in your sleep!
Xiuyi
Xingcai
Kill your second lord already or I'll do it for you!
Xiuyi
Xingcai
No, I do not like him one bit. He tried flirting with me and asked me twice to become his concubine. Does he not know that I am your enemy!
Xiuyi
Xingcai
You have Zhao Yun don't you? He'll kill him right?
Xiuyi
Xingcai
Scratch that last letter. My uncle just told me about Changban.
Tell your mentor to throw him off a cliff next time he has to save the fool!
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
*Innocent* Of course I wouldn't ask the second lord of Shu to surrender his lands in return for something he would defile. It would be a mere trick to get pass Shu borders under the guise of a concubine that went willingly so I could kill him and return. Do you really expect me to become a wife much less a concubine to unworthy men? You're funny uncle Dun.
Your beloved-innocent niece Xiuyi
Xingcai
Wait, let me get this straight? Liu Shan was murdered, by his own son Liu Dai, who gave up the throne for his younger brother and that went to both of their sisters, and you're telling me that through pressure Zhao Yun is now the ruler of Shu? And Liu Dai walks freely? Did I read this right?"
Xiuyi
Xingcai
I thought so. Thank you for the update on your kingdom's affairs. And give was-suppose-to-be-lord Liu Dai my thanks.
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
Hi uncle! How's the weather in the castle? Is Lord Cao Cao still hung over from Chibi? How's my father and brother? Is Sima Yi still a dork with a stupid hat? Did Guo Jia give Xun Yu a hug yet? Can you give me my Zhansha? I learned that Shu's Tiger General Zhao Yun became lord, what should our reaction be?
Your beloved niece Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
I considered as much.
Your beloved niece Xiuyi
Yue Jin
Hey shorty, there's someone in Shu that's faster than you, come show you're better. He also jumps higher then you and denies gravity- literally!
Xiuyi
Yue Jin
What. The. HELL. Do. You. Mean?
How does one of Wei's Five Generals lose to an Uncrowned General of Shu- namely the snake dude?
You're worthless in this job!
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
Send me someone who is capable of being hit a couple times in rapid succession who will not break down right in the middle of the field.
Your Beloved Niece Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
OH DEAR GODS NOT HIM! ANYBODY BUT HIM!
(didn't bother signing)
Dear Uncle Dun,
(I hate you right now) Fine!
Xiuyi
Zhang He
(The letter was written in forced handwriting)
There's someone down here who is more fabulous than you. Are you going to take that? Then fly over here like a butterfly and get rid of him!
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
Kill me!
Shu's She Ren (*AKA the person's name literally translates to Snake Man*) defeated and bent Zhang He's claws. What do I do now?
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
(Like I could care less about them) *Sarcasm* Oh they're doing fine. Yue Jin just has two little holes in his arms and is turning blue and Zhang He has claw marks all over him and is bleeding a pond in my tent. Me? I'm doing well myself except my eyes turned GREEN because of Snake Man over here. You tell me?
Xiuyi
Snake Man
Turn my eyes back to their midnight blue or I'll kill you.
Your sworn enemy Xiahou Xiuying
She Ren
Happy? I called you by your name.
Xiuyi
She Ren
Thank you for changing my eye color back. Now let us get back to fighting.
Xiuyi
Snake Man
STOP KILLING MY SOLDIERS AND/OR CURSING MY GENERALS! Damn it, that's the last straw. You're deadmeat!
(Didn't bother signing it)
Brother
Ba, I don't have time for this. I pissed off a snake and I'm on currently at battle. Tell father you want a bunny, not me. And no I will not help you care for it.
Xiuyi
Brother
You. Did. What?
How many times did I tell you not to eat those red mushrooms?
Ugh, fine I'm coming.
Xiuyi
She Ren
Truce. I have to help my gods-dumb-older brother from red spores all over his body.
We are going to finish this later though!
Xiuyi
Snake Man
I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!
(Didn't bother signing it- she was in a hurry)
Dear Uncle Dun,
Yes I left Yue Jin and Zhang He there to deal with the Snake Man, and no I do not care for them. They are worthless because they couldn't beat my rival.
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
NO, SHE REN IS MY RIVAL! MINE! I'LL DECIDE WHETHER HE DIES OR NOT! HE'S MY RIVAL SO I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO KILL HIM!
Xiuyi (who is now pissed off)
Brother
Well you're doing well for someone who ate the red mushrooms like he's not suppose to. Let's see. High fever, blood coming out of the red spores that litter your body, you're green, and your eyes are turning yellow. Carriage!
Xiuyi- your loving sister that left you to become a plant by yourself!
Father
Brother is turning into a plant, I need chemicals and a flyswatter please.
Xiuyi
Father
I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
I need hedge cutters to cut some roots growing out from underneath Ba's door and to get to him on his bed. Oh, and can I also have something that could kill spiders?
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun,
I'm not going to use my beloved weapon to kill an abomination of this world. Now give me those clippers!
Xiuyi
Brother
Well you look mad with the big red petals around your face, yellow eyes and green skin. Do you want me to water your roots for you or are you good? I can get some sunlight into your room. I'm just going to need to bash through the walls.
Xiuyi
Brother
WHAT THE HELL! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A BIG SPIDER IN YOUR ROOM? DAMN IT I KNEW I WOULD SEE ONE IN HERE! WHERE'S THAT FLAMETHROWER!?
Xiuyi
Brother
Okay, good news first: I got the giant spider. Bad news: it was on your face and you are now a crispy, smoldering essence of a plant.
Xiuyi
Brother
Who cares if the spider was the size of a pin needle! IT WAS NEAR ME!
Xiuyi
Brother
I could care less about your opinions. And what you consider about spiders makes me want to torch you again- this time with the whole building.
Xiuyi
Father
Well Ba is torched up in his room and the building will crash down in exactly one hour. What do you want to do?
Xiuyi
Father
Well it is hot out here but you know I hate to swim. After the pool party with Xu Zhu and you going in for a cannon ball I was scarred for life for what came up before the both of you did!
Xiuyi
Author's Note: I hope this was funny for you. I will add any descriptions if you want and if you would like to use any of my characters for your own stories you gladly can if I get a heads-up first!
She Ren will appear again and again in my stories and Xiuyi will get another rival in Wu, from Jin, and from Other: but you're going to have to wait and see. If any of you have ideas I'll gladly use them. I'm only expecting to do 20 chapters or so of these.
I will also need you guys to tell me my grammar mistakes! And I will occasionally switch from letters to story format.
See yeah- Yukiyun