She had spoken a bit about it already. She was even feeling good about her place and her plan, most of the time. Korra wasn't over what had happened. That was the hardest part, admitting that to herself. She didn't know that she'd ever be over it. Not in the way she had meant when she wrote Asami that she wasn't sure she'd ever recover. She was OK with it. Sort of. She would recover, was recovering. That wasn't it. Korra knew that some of the fear and doubt might crop up again and that she may continue to have nightmares but now she knew that those things wouldn't control her.
Still, it didn't mean that they weren't there.
Korra found herself pacing down the halls of the air temple. She couldn't sleep despite the encouraging words she heard from Tenzin and Asami hours before. She had felt confident again but now that everyone was asleep and she was alone she felt her stomach turn over and over again.
Korra passed her room again, through the open door Naga lifted her head up at her in a moment's curiosity before resting down again.
Sorry Naga. She thought. I guess two of us aren't getting sleep tonight.
She passed down the hall again and passed the room Asami was staying in. She had insisted in spending the night joking that if she didn't she might wake up and find out Korra had gone missing again. "Besides" she had said, "I don't want to spend time under the same roof as Wu any more than I have to."
It had made Korra laugh but her thoughts were far off now.
What was in store for her next? How would she deal with Kuvira? And what would come after her? And when would being the avatar finally get her killed?
Korra made another round. She was debating whether to go outside for an actual walk instead of wearing through the floorboards when she heard footsteps from behind.
"Korra? You're still up?"
She turned and saw Asami peeking out from the sliding door to her room. The woman yawned and rubbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you!"
"I'm okay, something on your mind?"
Korra glanced down at the floor. She didn't want to bother her friend by bring up this sort of thing so often. It was easy to say these things to her though and Asami was open to listen. "Yeah," Korra admitted. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and back again. "Nothing new." She added as a joke with a smile but it came out more like a grimace.
Asami glanced back into her room and out the window. It was a windy night; the two of them going outside for a walk was likely out of the question. She looked back at Korra and said, "Do you want to come in and talk?"
"If you'll let me."
The truth was she didn't entirely know what to say. Her thoughts were more feelings and disjointed things rather than any one concrete thought. There was one thing, although she wasn't sure if it was something she could let herself think or say. Still she followed Asami into her room and let her friend shut the door behind her.
Asami sat down on the bed the short way across so get feet dangled off the edge and her back rested against the wall. She expected Korra to sit beside her and for a moment she just stood there. It seemed all very intimate and close which was great but also made her feel a little uneasy and she wasn't sure why. Korra sat down beside Asami and stared at her feet and the differences in how far they could stretch compared to her friends. She could feel the warmth coming from her and it both made her want to place her head on Asami's shoulder and scoot away.
Asami was fiddling with the fabric of her blanket between her fingers before she finally asked. "So what's on your mind?"
Korra swallowed. "Uh," she started, and then added, "What isn't?" She didn't know what to say. She picked pieces off Naga's fur that had fallen off her clothes and onto the sheets. "I can't sleep."
"Is it Kuvira?" Asami asked.
"No." Korra answered. "Yes and no. I'm not. It's not her exactly it's more… complicated than that."
"Care to explain?"
Korra drew her knees up to her chest. "You've heard it all already and I know what you're going to say."
Asami was trying to follow. "You're worried about your recovery?"
Korra shook her head. She sighed. "I don't know. Sorta." Asami waited patiently for her to continue. She was struggling to find words that made sense. "It's like…I'm fine now. I feel like I'm fine now. But all that-" She cut off and shook her head again. She was getting too close to saying what she didn't want to think.
Asami placed her hand on Korra's shoulder. "All that what?" She asked softly.
Korra tried to relax a bit and rested her arms up on her knees. She stared across the room where the wall and the ceiling met. She stared at the space for a good long while, watching a cobweb dangle around from the draft. Finally she whispered. "All that happened in just a year. Amon, Unalaq and Vaatu, Zaheer and the Red Lotus. Just one year after I stepped up to my duties as Avatar." Her voice rose grew quicker as she spoke, "I know that I've been able to help people, but I nearly died – multiple times! In just one year! And maybe I'll be able to handle Kuvira just fine and whatever comes after that but how long will it take until the next thing kills me?"
She let Asami wrap her arms around her and lean her against her side. It felt nice. She felt comfortable, safe, and warm. "It's okay to be scared." Asami said, rubbing Korra's back. "I'm scared too."
"But its my job to do these things, how am I supposed to be the Avatar when I'm too afraid to fight?"
"Has it or will it ever stop you from doing the right thing?"
Korra saw where she was going with that. "No, but…" The fight with Kuvira was on her mind. "In Zao Fu I could have put a stop to her, I went into the Avatar state and…" She could hear Asami's heartbeat and how it quickened when she mentioned Zao Fu. She hadn't yet told her about t, all she knew was that things had gone sour. "…I saw myself." Korra admitted quietly. She hadn't told anyone about it yet. "It was like all the strength I had was gone."
"What do you mean?" Though she hid it well, Korra could still hear the alarm in her voice.
She felt her stomach sink. "I…" Her voice wavered, "I've been having visions of myself from that day. That's why I didn't come back to the city when I planned to. I got here and I saw her- or me – and I-!" Her voice caught. She was shaking.
Asami held her tighter.
Korra focused on her arms around her and her warmth and felt herself calm down. She tried to continue. "And maybe I wasn't ready yet in Zao Fu. I feel better now than I did then. But for three years, especially the last few months, it was like I was losing my mind. After just one year. For all I know whatever happens this next year could kill me or push me over the edge."
She felt Asami shaking her head. "No," she said firmly, "you're talking like you're alone in this. I won't let that happen again. I promise."
Korra slipped her arm around Asami's waist and buried her face in the older girl's shoulder. She took in all her scents, the sturdy hold Asami had her in, her warmth and her words. In her embrace she felt more at home than she had in all the three years she spent in the South Pole.
"I will always be here for you."
Korra smiled. "I know."