Title: Human, Monster, Killer.
Author: nottheshakespeare
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG / K
Date: 19 November 2007.
Summary: Supernatural snippet. What's going on in Sam's mind after 3x07 Fresh Blood? References events of 3x06 Red Sky in Morning, and general season arc (as started in season 2 finale).
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Maybe he was right. Maybe there was some truth in what Gordon said. He was crazy, but that doesn't mean all his ideas are. Being brilliant and crazy often go together. Not to say that Gordon was a genius, but he was a hunter, after all. He knew how the world really works. His basic ideas of good and evil were valid. The fixation on me is something that's even sort of understandable, if you see his point of view. I am a freak. And he was right on another account as well, I am also a monster.
I mean, I killed a man with my bare hands. Tightening the cord around Gordon's neck, the cable digging into my fingers, snapping his head off, it was a matter of survival. Pure and simple. Kill or be killed. But the fact remains I killed a vampire with next to nothing, with a single piece of cord and my own hands. That shouldn't be possible, and it certainly shouldn't be so easy.
I try to keep in shape because the job demands it. Aside from the research and the basic knowledge of spells and such, hunting is a very physical business. If you can't run away fast enough or if you're not strong enough to fend off a demon, you're dead meat. So I keep myself physically fit, but there's just no way I can take out a vampire like that, with my human, and thus limited, strength. Ergo, there must be something wrong with me, and it's probably related to whatever the hell the Yellow Eyed Demon did and had planned. He originally wanted to turn me into his second in command, and he wouldn't just give that position to a human with some superpowers. There must be more to it. More that I'm unwilling to try and think through to figure it all out. More that stays hidden in the dark depths of my mind. I already am a freak, and dealing with that is hard enough.
I'm not saying Gordon's right all the way, because I sure as hell ain't the anti-Christ. That's a delusion on his side, must be. I am human, and no demon. Okay, maybe a human with some freaky hidden powers, but human nonetheless. Human, and a killer.
Last week I didn't hesitate to put a bullet between the crossroads' demon's eyes. Sure, she was a bitch, luring Dean into that deal, and she had it coming, but it was only afterwards that I could justify it by knowing I had prevented others from making a deal with the devil, and thus selling their soul and being damned forever. Of course I have killed in the past, but the ease and anger with which I take lives now scare me. Then Dean figured it out, and chewed on my ass for killing our only lead, but she was never going to help us. Dean doesn't want help. He is trying so very hard not to deal with it, avoiding the whole issue. He is looking after me instead of himself, but that's got to stop. He already saved me, brought me back from the dead, but at the cost of his own life. It's my turn now.
So if I still have these psychic and telekinetic abilities, if I have hidden demon-like strength, if I turn out to be the anti-Christ, I would summon all of that, give it all up if it would, in order to save Dean. Because he's my brother, and he's all I have.
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