This is a VK parody that both me and Nuitetoile21 from the VK Manga forum started writing just for the fun of it. All characters are out of character and all events and actions you are going to read are exagerrated so don't take any of this seriously. They are still funny things happening as Zero and Kaname join their forces and their minds in order to settle Yuuki with a good marriage. Please enjoy and forgive us for making Yuuki so...(well you will understand once you read it)...but we could not resist to the fun of it. Enjoy..

AT THE KURAN'S HOUSE…
Yuuki tried to find the strength to keep her eyes open, her voice sounded at the room as she actually screamed;
YUUKI: What do you mean Onii-sama when you are telling that you are not my brother? Oh, no don't tell me you are my sister, are you gay Onii-sama?
Kaname sighed with despair. ''How many times do I have to explain this to her?'' he thought.
KANAME: Come.
He leaded her to the room where his coffin was. Yuuki started drinking his blood and travelling back in time, now she could see the bitter memories of his distant past. Kaname really hoped that is new improved audiovisual version of his life might help her understand his real self.
Yuuki kept drinking his blood until suddenly she pushed him away. Her round big eyes where full of questions.
YUUKI: WHO WAS HER?
KANAME: That was the wife I had in the past. She is your great grand-grand-grand- grand –grand-grand- mother.
Yuuki suddenly started running out of the room with her eyes full with tears.
Kaname followed her without understanding what was wrong.
He entered her room and he saw her throwing things all over the room.
YUUKI: GO AWAY!
KANAME: Yuuki…
YUUKI: You told me that you love me and now…you go and kiss another woman! In front of me!
KANAME: You realize that this happened in the past, right?
YUUKI: Eh?
KANAME: The woman you saw me kissing is your ancestor...
YUUKI: I don't care! You kissed her! How could you just kiss her in front of my eyes?
KANAME: But Yuuki...if I was not with her back then you would not be here now...
YUUKI: Don't try to confuse me! You kissed her and now you are trying to cover it up with stories about ancestors. Seriously do I look so stupid to you? I wonder what else you will try next…!
KANAME: I will be here in two minutes…
KANAME (on the telephone): Hey! Zero! My friend! ..yes..yes…long time..but I was wondering…do you still want Yuuki? What time should I bring her?

AT ZERO'S HOUSE
Yuuki is at Zero's house and she is crying sitting at the couch.
ZERO: Yuuki, I am not sure that I understand what the problem is…
YUUKI: Are you stupid Zero? For the last 5 hours I am explaining this to you! I told you! Kaname has another lover. He showed her to me!
ZERO: That was in the past. How is that a problem?
YUUKI: ZERO! He said he loved me! Me and only me! Not me and some -ancestor!
ZERO: But if he hadn't a wife in his past you wouldn't be here, Yuuki.
YUUKI: Oh I see... now you say the same things as he did... what is this now? From enemies you became allies? Ha?
ZERO: YUUKI IF HE DIDN'T HAD ANOTHER WIFE THEN HE WOULDN'T HAVE KIDS! SHE IS YOUR GREAT GRAND-GRAND-GRAND MOTHER!
YUUKI: MY GOD! HE CHEATED ME WITH MY GREAT GRAND-GRAND-GRAND MOTHER? AND HE HAD KIDS WITH HER TOO? DONT TELL ME HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS? AND HE HAS ME AND THAT ANCESTOR LADY AS LOVERS? DOES THE POOR GRANNY KNOW? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ZERO: I will be back in few minutes...
Zero goes the kitchen and he drinks half a bottle of blood tablets and two shots of whiskey shaking his head.
Zero to himself: You are fine, can you hear me? She won't drive you crazy..no, no, you finished the sessions with your shrink, she won't send you back there….No way...now let's call Kuran…

ZERO(on the telephone): Kuran, I don't care! After all she is your daughter, niece, sister, wife, great grand grand grand grandchild...please man... I have all these psychological problems...don't push me to suicide...what do you mean you are ready to go to slumber for the rest 500 years? Wait, don't shut that coffin's door…I' ll loose signal…Wait do you think that maybe Cross wants her back?

CHAIRMAN'S HOUSE

CHAIRMAN: Oh how lovely! My dear girl, my dear vampire and my dear hunter came to visit me!
YUUKI: I am not talking to them. They are such liars!
ZERO (to Kaname): Why did you do that? Why did you go explaining?
KANAME: Well...I knew it was difficult for her to understand it all but I didn't expect this …
They both look at Yuuki who is talking to the Chairman.
YUUKI (to chairman): Can you believe him? Ancestors and craps!
ZERO: (to Kaname) Ok man…you did a mistake. Erase her memories and put an end to this…
KANAME: Hm, how many chapters back? 50 Perhaps?
ZERO: KURAN! I won't start from chapter 4 because of you. I told you don't push me…
KANAME: Zero I really understand now that Yuuki is not for me, … You don't want her back? In the latest chapters you even wore my coat the way I do…what was all that effort for?
ZERO: Oh, hm, that, well just trying to fix my style…Give me a break dude! I have fewer years to live than you have… I want to enjoy my life! Like I said…she is your wife, your sister, your great grand grand grand grand daughter, your responsibility, your problem. I am leaving…
YUUKI: Now Zero don't leave me alone with him….
KANAME: Ah good choice Yuuki, see you in a hundred, thousand… years…
ZERO: KURAN YOU HELP ME IN THIS, THIS IS YOUR FAULT…
KANAME: Oh sure I can help you…I never deny anything to my friends, here a book so that you explain to her how the kids are born, candies I always carry it around so she stops talking that much, a what else do I got? Oh and a photo of me in case she misses me….
Yuuki: No, no, I want my onii-sama back…( CRIES)
KANAME: Hm, what should I do now?
ZERO: Good lord, Kaname! Make her forget it! Make it up to her… Sleep with her or something!
KANAME: ha, ha, ha…
ZERO: Why are you laughing?
KANAME: Yuuki! Tell Zero how babies come.
YUUKI: Don't get me mad Kaname! I am still mad at you that you don't want to clean the chimney!
ZERO: Chimney?
KANAME (to Zero): She believed that a stork will bring the baby to us.
ZERO: For goodness sake! Why don't you explain this to her?
KANAME: Are you serious? Once I tried to tell her about the bees and the flowers and she lost it. She understood nothing. Actually her reply was ''why are you talking me about flowers Kaname-sama? It is still winter…''
ZERO: I don't understand where is the problem…After all I thought you were extremely masochistic… What more could you ask?
KANAME: Yes I am masochistic but only if sex is included … but I also am very sadistic…with or without sex, do you want me to make it more clear for you?
ZERO: Mmmm… I believe that she has no clue about what sex is. Once in the school when I tried to kiss her, she was wondering about four chapters if I was trying indeed to kiss her or something else happened...
KANAME: YOU TRIED TO KISS MY YUUKI?
CROSS: AH! I grew you up like sister and brother! How much of a pervert can you be Zero? I am ashamed (sobbing) of my only son…Now you should make it up to us, tell us in FULL details what happened and what else you did to her…you monster...
ZERO: Well there was one day she threw her bra to me...
Kaname: (looking at Yuuki who still sobs) You should be ashamed…thank god I had put you to sleep so many times that there is nothing left to see or I would be very defended about this Yuuki.
Yuuki: You slept with my granny…you beast…
CHAIRMAN: Hey Zero are you hungry? (he shows to him his neck)
ZERO: Like daughter like father...Hey Kuran what the hell are we going to do? She is your problem, do you realize this?
KANAME: Well…I know it's my problem but I really can't find any solution….one year now…all these questions from nowhere… ''Kaname –sama why that..Kaname -sama why this..'' and no sex at all! Zero I really can't stand this anymore.
Zero is laughing.
KANAME: You find it funny?
ZERO: No man, I don't. I just knew that this would happen... why do you you think that I didn't try to find her one year now?
KANAME: How you knew that this would happen?
ZERO: Give me a break Kaname… At school she was talking only to me…with you she was too embarrassed to tell or ask anything...
KANAME: Ah those were very happy days…
ZERO: Ok let's ask her who she really wants…
KANAME: Hm, hm, don't you prefer Zero Yuuki? I mean look at him, young, fresh, sexy coat, wait isn't that the one I had left at the academy? Anyway… I continue, vampire hunter future president, steady salary, free coupons for the islands, great west fandom and most importantly, he loves purebloods…
Zero looks back at Kaname with a killer look…
Zero: Ah what can I say about Kaname Kuran? My favorite vampire leader? Maturity, eternal beauty and youth, tasteful blood (that thing went to kill me), great wardrobe, he does it all and he can eat anything from food that you prepare to mean vampires, durable, rich, the east adores him and most importantly he likes you even if you dress yourself with rugs
Kaname: No, I don't…I spend half of my fortune to buy her that shoes and dress from Paris…
Chairman: (drawling) Yuuki you make a decision or I will take them…
Yuuki: I can not decide…Can I have both of you?
KANAME ZERO: NO!….
They both turn their backs at her and they start whispering…
Kaname: What do we do ?
Zero: Let's make a plan… How many single –vampires do you know?
KANAME: Oh you don't mean that…
ZERO: Why not?
KANAME: That's a very good idea! Mmmm…let's see…
KANAME and ZERO (at the same time): AIDO!
KANAME: Chairman look after Yuuki we have to go somewhere…
ZERO: Yes…we will back soon…
CHAIRMAN: Oh! Why are you leaving? Don't want to stay and sing little happy songs all together?
YUUKI: Let them leave… They are probably going to find this ancestor- whatever she is.
CHAIRMAN: Oh how nice! Kaname why don't you bring her here to lunch all together? I can add one plate to the table…
YUUKI: FATHER!
CHAIRMAN: My Yuuki called me father….. (he melts on the floor)
Kaname and Zero find the perfect opportunity to leave the place.