The Sue Conspiracy

By Princess Consuella Banana

Disclaimer: LotR not mine. Mary-Sue not mine. Plot not mine. Stolen goods not mine.

Warning Label: Contents under pressure. Author is insane. Read at your own risk.

The Dark Lord Sauron was brooding. He missed the Ring. The Nine had been sent for it, but that had resulted in a rather unfortunate accident with white-water rapids.

His eye flickered evilly. Never fear, he told himself. You have yet to unleash your greatest weapon.

Saruman, on the other end of the palantir, wrinkled his caterpillar-esque eyebrows in confusion. The Witch-King?

No, no! Sauron was fed up with the ignorance of these Maia. A weapon much more deadly. A weapon not even the bravest, truest warrior can overcome. He laughed softly. In fact, those very warriors are often the first to go.

What is it? asked Saruman eagerly. A spell? A person? An object?

She, cackled Sauron, is better than all of that. The Fellowship will fall prey to her corruption easily.

Don't keep me in suspense! Saruman wailed. Who is she? What is she?

If Sauron had been a big flaming mouth, he would have grinned. She is more beautiful than Legolas, he replied, braver than Sam. More tortured even than Frodo, or Boromir, and wiser than Gandalf. A better fighter than Gimli, more adept than Aragorn. Sweeter than Merry, funnier than Pippin.

And she will sleep with them all.

For she is . . .

Mary-Sue.

~~~~~~~

Elrond had just opened his mouth to speak when a girl fell from the sky.

Literally.

"Oh, my!" she said, sitting up, rather unfazed. "What happened?"

The entire council stared at the wondrous beauty. Strangely enough, to each one she took on a different appearance.

To Legolas, she was a radiant elf maiden with long hair golden as the sun above. Her blue eyes sparkled like sapphires, and her perfect cherry-blossom mouth curled upward in wonderment. He wondered what shampoo she used.

To Boromir, her hair was black as the inky night and fell just to the small of her back. Her eyes were a brilliant amethyst, with a sparkle of defiance. Her warrior's clothes were ripped and torn just enough to reveal the perfect curves of her milky white skin.

To Frodo, she was short, a mere four-feet-eight-inches-tall. She might have been a hobbit, save her perfectly hairless and slender feet. Her hair was the exact color of deep, rich chocolate, and fell in a wave of curls to her shoulders. Her eyes were an uncanny periwinkle blue that matched his own exactly. He wondered what brand of contacts she wore.

To Aragorn, she looked exactly like Arwen, but with a grace and beauty far surpassing his Elven love. He felt torn. Very, very torn. And then he forgot about Arwen.

To Sam, Merry, and Pippin, she was a radiant hobbit lass with cascades of fiery auburn hair. Her cupid's-bow smile was full of mischief.

To Gandalf, she was an elf-maiden with the grace of centuries. Her hair was pure white and her eyes a deep black.

READERS: Ew! Gandalf?

GANDALF: Hey, I have feelings too!

Elrond blinked at her. "You will join the Fellowship, of course."

She giggled. "That's right! For I am Eirthrethriellwen, daughter of many brave warriors. I will join your Fellowship."

Frodo stared blankly. "What Fellowship?

Elrond smacked his forehead. "Ah, I forgot to tell you. We're making a Fellowship. To destroy the Ring."

The hobbit was still confused. "What ring?"

Elrond shrugged. "Anyone have a ring?"

Pippin fished around in his pockets and pulled out a ball of lint, several squashed mushrooms, a bent spoon, three live mice, and finally a plastic vending-machine ring. "I've got one!"

"Now I remember!" Elrond groaned. "The One Ring! How silly of me to forget – then again, we all get a little woozy in the presence of such beauty." He smiled at Eirthrethriellwen, who batted her eyelashes in return.

Frodo frowned. "I have the One Ring," he announced, looking hopefully over at Eirthrethriellwen. "I'LL be the Ringbearer." He puffed his chest out importantly.

"I'm coming with you!" Sam cried. "You need me for, er . . . gardening!"

Eirthrethriellwen grinned at him. "I'm sure you're a wonderful gardener. But not as good as me," she added with a wink.

"I'm coming too!" yelled Legolas, forgetting all about his Elven grace and jumping up and down in the air. "I'm coming too!"

Aragorn drew his sword and waved it about in a manly fashion. "You have my sword!"

Frodo stuck out his hand. Aragorn frowned at him and handed the sword to Eirthrethriellwen.

She pocketed it slyly. Anduril, the sword made from the remains of Sauron's bane, would no longer be a problem.

Gimli leapt up. "And my axe!"

Everyone stared blankly. What was this unattractive person doing here?

Finally, Elrond said, "No. We need nine Fellowship members to face off the nine Black Riders. A lot of writers haven't read the books and forget that this was my whole intent." He shrugged. "You can't come. Sorry."

"No fair!" Gimli roared. "You can't leave me behind in favor of some tavern wench from the Prancing Pony!"

Eirthrethriellwen's cheeks reddened ever-so-beautifully. "I was down on the money!" she shouted. "You would sell yourself out for sex too if you were in position!"

Everyone stared at her open-mouthed. She giggled nervously. "Ha-ha-ha, what a funny little joke I made!"

Everyone laughed, relieved.

"Normally I'd be funny too," added Pippin. "But around you, Eirthie, I find myself strangely tongue-tied."

She licked her lips. "Wanna know something REALLY funny?" she whispered in his ear. "I'm not wearing any underwear."

Pippin yelped and fell off his stool.

Elrond seemed to notice him for the first time. "What are you doing here? You should be hiding in the bushes!"

Pippin shrugged. "I got bored."

"I can fix that," Eirthrethriellwen whispered.

Merry tugged on her shirttail. "I'm insanely horny. Can you fix that too?"

"Maybe," she giggled. "Maybe . . ."

~~~~~~~

Mary-Sue! snapped Sauron. You're not focusing! You need to focus!

Eirthrethriellwen pouted. "But I just wanna have fu-un," she whined.

Well, that's not your objective! You need to take this strategically!

She giggled. "Okay. But I'm still gonna have fun."

I don't care what you do! he shouted. But you need to take them down one at a time. Chapter by chapter.

"OKA-AY," she grumbled, and snapped her gum. "Who's first?"