You utter simple phrases

by Dark Goddess

Shinji thinks about the death of a loved one...shounen ai.

Warnings and Disclaimers: Shin Seiki Evangelion doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Gainax and Sadamoto Yoshiyuki. Sad but true. Please don't sue. I'm just writing something I've always wanted to see and I am not making any kind of profit out of it. Oh and this is of course a YOAI! *snickers*

You utter simple phrase

I can't take this anymore. It hurts too much to breathe, to think, to live. I never really cared weather I lived or dieduntil now. Now, I wish I were dead. I want to be dead so I can find him. So I can find him and show him how much I hate him for doing this to me. For making me fall in love with him.

I should have been the one to die. Not him but me, I should have died. How many times can I say that? See what you've done to me?

I can't stop crying. I can still hear it. The sound of your decapitated head hitting the water. Why? Why not me? Why did you make me do that? You had no right. You had no right! How dare you? How could you? I hate you!

I hate you because I love you. I hate you because you made me love you. I hate you because you lied to me. Made believe that I would never be alone again. I hate you because you left me. I hate you because you made me kill you I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!

I love you

How can I love you? I've shut people off for so long. Too afraid to look for love or be loved. I wasn't going to look for love. Why? Because I was afraid of being hurt. And what happens when I open my heart to someone? You hurt me!

"I love you."

"I think I was born to meet you."

I hate you so much. Bastard! I hate you! Why'd you have to go? Why'd I have to fall for you?

You took advantage of me, didn't you? You did it so that you could get into the central dogma. So you could see that thing. You killed my soul so you could see that thing nailed to a cross! Why Kaworu-kun? Why? Why'd you break me? I thought you loved me

Two forms lay on a double bed in the dark. Ikari Shinji lays on his bed, his brown eyes began to turn and he looked at the form next to him. A deep blush creeping on to his cheeks as he realized the other boy had not stopped watching him. The calm, peaceful smile never leaving Nagasi Kaworu's lips.

"Is something wrong, Shinji-kun?" Shinji swallowed hard and shook his head. Not trusting his own voice at the moment. "Are you sure there's not something you want?" Shinji shook his head again though there was something that he wanted.

He shifted his eyes back to the ceiling. Trying to concentrate on the small cracks, ignoring the feeling of Kaworu's eyes on him. Why did he keep looking at him?

Cause he loves you, baka. He shut his eyes tightly. No, that's not true. No one loves me! No one.

The sound of Kaworu shifting in his bed echoed in the quiet room. Shinji forced himself not to look at the boy. The beautiful boy with crimson eyes, snow white hair and, soft pale skin, though he wanted to so badly that it almost hurt. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, closing them after a few more agonizing minutes. Maybe sleep would calm his ragging mind and body.

He continued to lay in his bed awake but not aware. His mind concentrating on one thought, one name, one face.

"I love you."

"Shinji-kun"

"I think I was born to meet you."

"Shinji-kun"

Shinji's hand gripped the sheets until his knuckles resembled their color. His teeth grinding against themselves. Such small simple phrases. Phrases he thought he'd never hear. Phrases that would drive him to the brink of insanity. Small simple phrases escaping from delicate, thin lips. Delicate lips he wanted to touch, kiss, and caress with his tongue.

Shinji shifted his body to find Kaworu laying on his side his eyelids shut tightly hiding beautiful crimson eyes, thin lips parted slightly allowing air to enter and escape. Shinji swallowed hard looking at that beautiful face. A part of him—a part he never knew existed—screamed at him to take those lips with his own. To suck on them, to pass by them into the wet cavern of Kaworu's mouth and map out each and every crevice.

Shinji moved a little closer to the body next to him. A small smile creased his lips as he remembered that this had happened before, only that time it was with Asuka. That time it was a cruel joke, this timethis time it was different. It had to be.

He pressed on pushed by some invisible force. His desire to taste those perfect lips overpowering his judgment.

He stopped inches from his face, from those lips. In and out, in and out, he could hear it. In and out, in and out; the rise and fall of his chest, those lips opening slightly and closing once more. In and out, it was driving him insane.

A little closer and closer still, then he was there. A raise of his head and he would make first contact with those beautiful lips that utter simple phrases to drive him insane.

He raised his head slowly almost afraid to wake the sleeping boy if he moved any faster. Then in a second his lips met Kaworu's. His eyes opened wider at the feeling of just having his lips touching the other boy's. He pressed a little harder; they were so soft—just like they looked.

After a moment—that seemed to brief—he moved away and found himself staring into crimson eyes. He gasped and tried to move away but strong hands held him in place. He looked away nervous and ashamed.

"Go-gomen." Shinji stammered his body shaking with fear and his face bright red form shame and embarrassment.

"Nazeda?" Brown eyes looked into crimson making the pale boy smile. "Why are you sorry?"

"I-I shouldn't have. Gomen." He apologized again, lowering his head. He heard a soft chuckle before long delicate fingers caressed his cheeks and slide under his chin, raising it so their lips could meet once more. Shinji gasped at the sudden act then relax as Kaworu's lips worked his.

He pulled away after a few minutes looking into soft brown eyes. Brown eyes full of confusion and fear. A smile graced Kaworu's lips and he leaned over to capture Shinji's cupid's bow lips once more and this time he received a response from the other.

"Shinji-kun" he began but never finished as if he had lost his train of thought. He just stared at the beautiful boy next to him. They were so close he could feel Shinji's chest rise and fall as he breathed.

"Kaworu-kun?" Shinji asked confusion etched all over his feature. He wasn't sure what to say or do. All he knew was that he felt safe and secure with Kaworu. He felt like he could open himself up to Kaworu and would not be hurt.

Kaworu smiled softly at Shinji and wrapped his arms around him holding him close. Shinji felt his body tense at the close contact but made himself relax. Timidly he wrapped an arm around the other and waited a moment. Then he slid the other around his waist clasping his hands together as if afraid Kaworu might try to escape.

Kaworu's smile broadened and he pressed himself closer against the smaller boy wrapping his arms tighter around his waist. A small sigh of relief escaped Shinji's lips making Kaworu look at him.

"Shinji-kun, were waiting for approval?" Shinji said nothing but blushed softly. Kaworu smiled at him lowering his head and kissing the boy's nose. "Don't do that anymore. I already told you I loved you. You need not be so timid."

"Can't help it." Shinji replied a sad smile playing on his soft features. "I'm afraid you'll leave me. Like" He didn't finish letting the sentence float around the quiet room.

Kaworu stared down at the small, fragile form in his arms. He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew he should just kill the boy but couldn't. Something wouldn't let him, wouldn't let him hurt the boy in anyway. Something deep inside him told him to protect the boy form all the evil in the world, which sadly included himself.

He pushed the all the wild thoughts to the back of his mind telling himself to concentrate on the soft creature in his arms. He pressed his nose into Shinji's hair inhaling the sweat smell of flowers.

So soft, so delicate, so prefect this was Ikari Shinji. Even if he was just a mere human—fragile and unintelligent. A plaything for the higher powers. He was the most prefect thing in Kaworu's eyes. To Kaworu, Shinji was the most precious thing that any world had to offer him and he had many offerings.

His only wish was to make Shinji happy, unfortunately, like most wishes this one was never going to come true.

"Shinji-kun, what can I do?"

"Nani?"

"I want to prove my love to you, I want to show you that'll I'll never leave you." He knew he was lying, but wanted to leave his beloved with a special memory. One that would help negate the memories that would be made the next day.

Shinji smiled and shook his head; his eyes bright from unshed tears. He sighed and pressed his body closer to Kaworu, wanting so badly to become a part of him. To forget all his pain and sorrow.

"You don't need to, Kaworu."

"Demo" Shinji sighed closing his eyes tightly, he wasn't going to cry. He refused to.

"Just hold me," he finally said. "hold me Kaworu and never let me go."

...And you did hold me. You held me all night and through the morning. But then you let me go. You let me go and left me alone just like everyone else. God, how worthless and disgusting am I? Why doesn't someone just put me out of my misery already? Why don't I put myself out of my misery already?

See, what you've done to me, Kaworu-kun? You gave me hope, you made me think that I would be loved and held for the rest of my life. You lied to me! You made me feel special when in truth I'm nothing but a piece of shit. And that is why I hate you, Kaworu-kun, because you gave me hope then took it away again.

I never asked for much. I don't really care about fame and fortunate. All I wanted was love. I wanted someone who would love me unconditionally. I wanted to be able to have the piece of mind that comes with the knowledge that you love someone and they love you back. I trusted you, Kaworu-kun. I thought that you would be that person, that you would make my wish come true.

I was wrong. You didn't love me did you? You were just playing mind games with me. A tactical maneuver to get your scrawny carcass into the central dogma. I wasn't important, but a distraction. I bet you thought it was fun.

A game. Mess with the little human boy.

"Oh! Look he loves me. He thinks I'll always be with him. Such a stupid little human boy. Just keeping thinking that I love you. That'll I'll never hurt you. Just until I'm able to get to the central dogma. To Adam."

God, I'm a fool. You must have been dying to laugh at me. Laugh at how naïve I was. Naïve, stupid, human boy Ikari Shinji that was what you thought every time you saw me. Everything you said was a lie. A lie to finish your mission.

Then why didn't you finish the mission? You had the chance, the power; I was too emotionally distraught to be any kind of a problem for you. But yet, you looked up at me with those large sad eyes—those beautiful eyes that bore into my soul turning me inside out—and told me to kill you. And I did. But why? Why give up when you were so close. What the Hell was the point of that?

And now I sit here in the room we shared together. I lay down placing my cheek on the spot you were laying on and cry. You've hurt me worse then anyone else has but yet I want to see you again. Hold you in my arms, tell you how much I love you and be told that I am loved in return.

How can I want to see you again? After what you've done to me? You offered me hope and love then snatched away. I bet your laughing at me at the moment. Calling me a stupid little human boy. Why can't I let you go?

Because I love you. Simple isn't it. I am cursed. I most be. I am forever cursed to love you. Even though a part of me tells me I am a fool (and I am inclined to believe it), that I should forget you. That I should hate you—like I continuously say but never mean.

If you are a liar, then so am I. You, for telling me you loved me and me, for saying that I hate you. I can't hate you, just like you can't love me.

"I love you."

I sit here and try to convince myself that you never loved me. I try to make myself think that I was just your puppet. I do this not to make myself feel worse (though that is what it is doing) but because I am trying to convince myself to hate you. I am trying to get that traitorous heart of mine to realize that in you there is nothing to love. But it doesn't work.

I will always love you, Kaworu. For now and forever. Kore kara zutto itsumademo. I just have to come to grips with that or I'll never find peace.

Maybe one-day will met again. I'm not exactly sure what I'll do when that happens, but I know it will. It's not a maybe, Kaworu-kun. It's going to happen.

I will met you one of these days. Maybe while I'm alive or after I die, but it will happen. Because I want to see you again and tell what I think of you. I will tell why I hate you and why I love you.

Wait! I know exactly how it will happen. After I yell at you I will fall to my knees and beg and cry and then I will see what your true intentions are. Then I will see if all my opinions about you are correct. I will see and I will finally understand, when I see you many years from now.

Until then my Kaworu-kun, I will never forget you and I will always carry you in my heart.

Zutto

Owari

Authors note: Okay I have no idea where this story is really going or has gone. It means something, I know that. But what, I don't know yet. Ironysymbolism and all that shit sometimes makes no sense to me, especially my own at times. Then again, I don't write my storiesmy muses do. Cause if I did I'd understand my stories and they wouldn't be so melancholy. *shrugs* I can't help it. I'll understand it later. Right now I'm too tired to care. Thanks for reading. CC is very much appreciated. Ja!!!!!