"I'm almost out of my mind," Tifa groaned to the hyperactive ninja sitting on top of her bar, now occupied in seeing how many times the revolving chair could spin her in one push.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" was the unsympathetic response.
"Yuffie, please stop. You're making me dizzy, and you're not helping my headache."
"I got - a load - of tranquilizers - in my backpack - if you want," Yuffie said helpfully, whipping herself along happily.
Tifa sighed tragically. "No thank you – the place starts up in half an hour, and he'll be here again."
The chair came to a sudden, merciful halt. Yuffie shook her hair out of her eyes, looking interestingly windswept. "Bit more of that and I'll get chair-sick," she grinned. "Think of it Tifa! I just invented a new syndrome!"
Tifa merely gave her loudest moan yet and hid her face in her arms. Lying sprawled across countertop, her dark hair draping her in a shroud, she looked as though she were caught in the deepest throes of despair and alcohol.
"Aw, come on Tifa. At least he's kinda hawt."
Tifa refused to reply.
"Alright, fine. I lied. He's very hawt."
Tifa launched herself off the bar with a flurry of motion that sent Yuffie reeling backwards. "Do you have any clue how utterly and despicably annoying he is?" she hissed to a very affronted ninja. "Every night he comes by here, swaggering his stupid little butt off, flicking that disgusting ponytail all over the room, drinking away half the alcohol in the bar, and then has the audacity to come up to me and ask me out!"
"That doesn't cross out the fact he's hawt," Yuffie said stubbornly.
"Fine, if you like him so much, you can have him!" Tifa threw up her arms for emphasis. "I'm so sick of standing at the bar, minding my own business, then looking up to see that sick redhead staring at me and smirking at me and if he blows kisses at me one more time I'll chop his stupid ponytail off."
"Woah, calm down, Tifa," Yuffie said, "first off, his name's Reno, not 'stupid redhead' or 'sick womanizer' or 'disgusting flirt' or whatever you've been calling him for the last hour. And, secondly," she continued, ignoring Tifa's mute gestures that Reno was indeed a stupid redhead and a disgusting flirt and et cetera, "why isn't Cloud waving his macho sword in said Turkey's face? I mean, if Vinnie had been looking at me like, "oh Yuffie I love you tons and I won't let Sephiroth get you" the way Cloud always did to you, I bet Vinnie'll be super pissed off by now. Enough to take off his shirt and ask Reno to step outside. Not –" Yuffie started giggling, "that he hasn't done the first part already."
"Problem is," Tifa sighed unhappily, choosing to ignore Yuffie's last comment, "I feel like I'm invisible to Cloud right now. He comes home after delivery every day and practically locks himself in his room. Denzel's half out of his mind that he's done something to upset him, and the stupid spikey jerk won't even talk to him."
"Which spikey jerk are we talking about now?"
"Cloud!" Tifa answered, but it was more of a sigh and a groan. "Yes, I admit we were great together after AVALANCHE, but he hardly even looks at me anymore. And I – well, I want him to notice me. It's such a shame – going through so much together and nothing to show for it. And yes –" Tifa glared daggers at Yuffie, "Cloud's a heck of a lot hawter than Reno."
"I got my own opinions on that, but I'm keeping them to myself," said the little ninja wisely. "Tifa, we gotta do something about it. Now would you rather try Spikey Solution No. 1 or Spikey Solution No. 2 first?"
"Sorry? Which one's which?"
"No. 1 involves kicking Reno's butt, yelling "Pervert! Womanizer! Freak!" at him at least five hundred times while he's bound and gagged due to my super ninja powers. Then, that's followed by chopping off his – hmm, lower extremities as Vinnie would put it and burning them in front of his face. After that we cut off his pony tail and stuff it down his throat 'cause only girls are allowed to have long hair. Later, we –"
"Thanks, Yuffie. How about you do that in your own spare time?"
"Aw, come on Tifa, do you want to do this right or not? We're talking honor here. Sir Red Spikes offends Lady Boobs, he gets his butt kicked. Wutaian – I mean Nibelheimian pride here. Cloud should know. You can borrow his sword to chop off Reno's b–"
"Let's move on to No. 2," Tifa said hastily.
"Ahh, this one's my favorite. It's not half as bloody though, so less points."
"Let's hear it."
"You go out on a date with him."
"What?! Yuffie, there is no freaking way I will ever let myself be seen with Reno, dead or alive or –"
"Hold your chocobos, girl, the Super Ninja Yuffie isn't done yet. You go on a date with him, and you thoroughly gross him out. I'm talking tough and dirty here, so none of that fluttery oh-Cloud-is-so-hawt-I-hope-he-rescues-me-again crap. You drink more than Reno does, you pick your nose, you wear Granny's gray dress that goes from your neck to your ankles. Thing is, Reno's in love with your boobs. Or he should be. So you hide it all. You let him see nuthin', you hear me? Later, Cloud's so pissed that you're off having a date with Reno without him, so he barges in on you two and declares his undying love for you. Get it?"
"Right," Tifa said faintly. "So what was all that about picking my nose and drinking a lot?"
"A ton," Yuffie corrected. "Reno treats his liquor like water, so you gotta throw back more of that crap than him. Then, preferably, you throw it up on him."
"Yuffie, I'm sorry –"
"You get him to promise he'll pay the bill, first off. He's taking you out to this disgustingly expensive place, so you order everything they got. Our redheaded Turkey's got a bad case of big-head, so he'll let you do that just so the waitress (preferably a hawt one such as myself) doesn't turn her snooty nose up at him."
"There's no way I can finish that much food."
"I never asked you to, did I? You order it, it comes, you take one look at it and say you'll have chronic diarrhea if you eat it or something. Did I mention that it would be good if you belched at the end of every sentence as well?"
"Yuffie, please. There is no way I can do all that and look myself in the mirror the next morning."
"Fine, don't," said Yuffie, clearly hurt. "I'll leave you alone to wallow in the depths of your ridiculous despair, shall I?" She flounced off the countertop and moved to the other end of the room, which was rapidly beginning to fill up with patrons.
"Yuffie, I –" Tifa tried to stop her, but was smoothly interrupted by a male voice by her ear.
"Bit of trouble with the brat?" Reno asked her, tapping his electric rod with a cocky finger. His cranberry-red hair fell with a casual elegance around his eyes, the color of aquamarine, accented by two thin scars under each. "Anything I can do to help?"
"No – not really," Tifa smiled falsely at him, wishing all the while she weren't so nice. But then, it wouldn't do to cause a scene – not in her bar, crammed to bursting with curious onlookers.
"You worry far too much," Reno chided her, placing a long finger on the tip of her nose. Tifa did her best not to grimace. "Look at those – what are they? Frown lines? At your age? Tsk tsk, this won't do. Let me see . . . what should I do to put a smile on your face again?"
Tifa wanted very much to say, "Get out of my face," but no, that was too rude. Instead she forced up a smile and said very politely, "I don't know."
"Ah, but I do." Without further ado Reno leapt on top of the bar in a ridiculously theatrical manner, seized a spoon and a wine glass and clinked the two together. The bar immediately hushed, staring up at the former Turk who held out his arms in a grand gesture for attention.
"Friends, Edge-ians, countrymen – which is to say, fellow drunkards – pray lend me your ears," he intoned. "I come today not to drink to Tifa, but to comfort her. Behold the deep trenches dug too soon in her fair brow! Seest thou her distraught eyes, darting rapidly through her domain, seeking – searching – pleading escape?"
Tifa was indeed rolling her eyes at the ceiling during this point.
"Mine friends," Reno continued in a bad Shakespearian voice, "mine kindred. I propose a way out of her deepest despair! I propose an outlet, a light at the end of the tunnel, a whajamacallit – sedition, seduction – no, that's not right – sacrament, sanction, salutation –"
"Get on with it, Turkey. My video cam's running outta battery," Yuffie's voice floated out from the back.
"Salvation. There, that's the word I was looking for." For such a simple discovery, Reno looked ridiculously proud of himself. "All right! Moving on! I propose, in the hopes of cheering yonder fair lady's heart –" he paused dramatically. "Drumroll, please."
Everybody ignored him.
"Fine, be that way. I propose a date," Reno said grandly. "Tifa, dearest, will you please go out with me?"
The bar sharply fell silent at that. Tifa felt a hundred pairs of eyes watching her, some curious, some bored, many of them jealous. She longed desperately to refuse Reno to his face – she would have the full support of most of the men, and Reno wouldn't dare lift his cocky head to smirk in her direction again – but then she caught a glimpse of Cloud standing at the base of the stairs, his blue eyes watching her intently. Tifa felt herself flaring up at that – So, you finally decided to notice me – and matched his gaze squarely. Her voice dripping with ice and scorn, Tifa directed each of her words at Cloud.
"Yes, Reno," she said crisply, "I would love to go out with you."
The bar immediately went into an uproar. Tifa had never accepted her patrons' numerous pleas to date her before, so she was bombarded with countless whines and supplements – "Please, Tifa! What good is that redheaded doofus when you could have me?" – "I'll bring you roses the color of that idiot's blood" – "Who does he think he is?! Some terrible know-it-all actor." A particularly aggressive male started making his way towards her, flexing his muscles either to threaten or charm, she wasn't sure.
"Please," Tifa said desperately, pulling a Reno and climbing on top of the bar. "Please, don't be offended. You are all lovely men," she could barely get the words out without gagging, "but Reno's proposal was extremely –"
"Romantic? Provocative? Seductive?" said Reno, grinning up at her.
"Er – yes. Quite," said Tifa distractedly. She had the bad impression that many of the men were taking advantage of the situation and looking up her skirt. "So please – don't fuss." With this she jumped off the bar. Much to her relief, the grumbles and protests died down considerably.
"Alright!" Yuffie whooped, sprinting towards Tifa, a video camera dangling from her hand. "That was great! You took my advice! Now all you've got to do is gross –"
"Excuse me, Tifa," Reno drawled. He looked cockier and even smugger than before, if possible. "So I'll be picking you up on Saturday – somewhere around seven?"
"Yes – indeed," said Tifa, choking the words out.
"Excellent. See you soon." With an elaborate bow, Reno spun on his heels and walked off into the night.
It was hard to tell who was more excited, Reno or Yuffie. She pranced around non-stop, chattering at an incredible speed. Meanwhile, Tifa sank into a nearby chair and hid her face in her hands.
"Ah, Tifa . . . it's not that bad. Just do what I tell you to and you'll get rid of Mr. Dramatic in no time. Where'd he come up with that crappy accent, anyways?"
"I believe it was supposed to be Elizabethan," Tifa mumbled into her palms.
"Right. Whatever that is. Let's get started."
A/N: Stay tuned for Part 2, the actual date! Tell me what you think so far :D