With my Love and Thanks, Matthew

AN: It is my opinion that Mary's reluctance to understand Matthew's decision on not accepting Swire's money to be a bit selfish. I understand that she was trying to save her legacy and home that had been in her family's possession for years. I feel she should have been a little more understanding of Matthew's anguish. I thought Matthew didn't explain himself enough to make her understand why he was adamant. I thought to put my two cents or at least my interpretation.

It's been days since Edith's wedding. The house had been somber and the weight of it still lingers even though Matthew and I had announced to the rest of the family our good news.

Downton had been saved.

I knew that the decision of accepting Reggie's money weighed heavily on Matthew. Though, I know that Matthew loves me, I could not understand why he would not take Reggie Swire's money to save Downton.

I only saw Downton, our family's future and legacy slipping away from us. I had been blind to anything else but saving it.

I did not take in to account of Matthew's feelings of betrayal and dishonesty to Lavinia at the time of their engagement. Her death only made matters worse. Matthew saw acceptance of the money as a curse when I had seen it as a blessing. I did not realize how much it had tormented and tortured my husband so.

The fact is I have married one of the most honest, loyal and honorable man I have ever known. I loved him more because of it. Beside my father, he truly is and always will be my hero. My Perseus.

Soon after the arrangements of saving Downton, Matthew started acting oddly. It's not to say that he had changed over night from a loving and dutiful husband to a resentful and indifferent one. I would catch him at times reserved and in quiet contemplation with a sad smile on his face. He has remained loving and attentive towards me in every way. I had thought the existence of the letter would free Matthew's heart from any more guilt.

I was wrong.

When I woke up this morning, Matthew was not besides me. I was surprised for since the beginning of our marriage, I have never awakened alone. If he had to leave early, he would slowly awaken me with kiss on my forehead or cheek to let me know he was leaving.

So I knew something was wrong. Carson had informed me that my husband had left. It was the weekend so I could not figure out why he set out alone for the day without telling me. Then, I recalled the night before that he was heading out early in the morning to take of business and would be back before late afternoon.

Knowing my husband the way I do, I knew where he was headed. It was time.

Since he had taken the car, I had our chauffer drive me to where I knew Matthew was headed.

By midday, the chauffer had stopped the car to the destination where my husband would be.

He was easy to spot since he was the only one there. He was kneeling on the ground placing a bouquet of flowers on Lavinia's grave. A week before the wedding I had accompanied Matthew to visit her. When he told me what he was setting out to do, I told that with no argument, I was going with him.

I wanted to say thanks to the woman for loving and taking care of Matthew when I had not the courage or strength to do so.

So here we are again. As I quietly approached him, I realized that he was speaking. Not wanting to disturb him, I kept my distance. Far away enough not to disturb him but close just incase he needed me.

"I'm happy Lavinia." I heard him say. "I never knew such joy and happiness. Something I know I don't deserve after breaking your heart. I betrayed you. It still pains when I think of what I did to you, to us. Would we be married now had you survived? Knowing what I did. The fault is mine alone. Not Mary. Never Mary. I have hurt both of you because of my pride and sense of duty. If I had been honest with my feeling for Mary, you would still be alive."

He trying to hold back his tears and my heart breaks for him.

"I broke Mary's heart too. Again, I rejected her when all I wanted to do was hold her to me and never let go. You died with a broken heart because of me, so a life alone was my punishment. I couldn't have Mary. I didn't deserve her, I still don't."

He wipes his face with the back of his hand. "I couldn't have anyone. She was and is the one for me. How could I subject another woman to that kind of deceitful relationship. To love another knowing she is second best. I love Mary so much and you knew that. I make no apology about it for I know you want me to be happy. And I am. I would do anything in world to make her happy for the rest of her life.

But I couldn't take your father's money knowing what I had done to you. My betrayal of your love and trust will always pain me, but denying Mary's happiness would have been far worse. I couldn't bear it, disappointing her. I am happy, so happy with my life with Mary, but to accept the money at the expense of my betrayal of your love and Reggie's trust in me. How could I?

I know that you have forgiven me. You're father has too. Bless him. I thank you for that. I will never forget you. Both of you."

He stands up from off the ground. "With love that I can spare from Mary and from the bottom of my heart, thank you, Lavinia. Thank you, Reggie, you have set me free."

I waited before I approached him. I didn't know the depth of his guilt until now. When papa mentioned that we were losing Downton, I saw nothing else. Not Matthew's point of view, his pain and the guilt weighing his heart in betraying Lavinia because of his love for me.

He turns around walking his way back towards me with his eyes downward. When he finally looks up, he stops. Shock. Guilt or shame. I didn't wait to decipher what he was feeling, I quickly took him in arms and held on tight. We stood there holding each other as he quietly cries on my shoulder.

I made a vow to myself that I would ease his heart and show him my gratitude and my love for choosing me, and ultimately Downton. I know now that he had finally accepted the money, not because of Downton, but because he was choosing me.

I will make it my mission in life to make him as happy as he has always made me. I will never let him regret it.