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(i'm in)
over my head
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This must be what hell feels like.
Why did we have to camp out in the desert? I mean, couldn't we have taken over, I dunno, Besaid or something? I think Besaid would have made a great hiding place for us way back whenever we moved to Bikanel. If anyone attacked, we could have played guerilla warfare and trounced their little Yevonite butts all the way back to Bevelle, and it would have been great. Then again, we also got attacked by the Guado a lot, and they're real jerks who don't give up that easy. But I still think Besaid would have been better.
And much, much more comfortable. But no. We chose to condemn ourselves to an eternity of sandy bras and sunburnt armpits. Ever had a sunburnt armpit? It's pretty much the worst thing ever.
Not to mention sandstorms and crazy desert iguanas who like to terrify people at the Oasis. Pretty much the only good thing about the desert is the lack of thunder. Well, that, and the fact that any guy who sets foot on the island is practically obligated to go shirtless. Which is cool when he's not, you know, related. Or seventy years old. Or seven years old.
Okay, so it's really only cool when he's sexy and my age. But it's really nice when he is.
But of course, someone who falls (unfortunately) into that category is the reason I'm here. And while the image of Gippal shirtless is a nice one, I still want to kill him for sending me here. Apparently, working in D'jose would be a bad idea because of all the lightning, and little Rikku can't handle lighting (which I can, but he's just an ass who thinks I'm still four).
I am going to hurt him so much the next time I see him.
Actually, he didn't say any of that about the lightning. It was actually something more along the lines of, you know this part of the desert like the back of your hand, so you're probably not going to get stranded and die hopelessly lost and alone there, but it was implied. It was also implied that I would die hopelessly lost and alone in D'jose, which should tell anyone listening exactly how chivalrous Gippal is. I'm not even sure it's possible to get hopelessly lost in D'jose. I mean, it's a temple with some big rocks hanging around. The worst I could do is trip and end up at the bottom of the ravine, and even then, I can scream pretty loud.
I'm sure someone would come to my rescue. And then I'd run off into the sunset, settle into Besaid with my handsome, save-the-damsel-in-distress husband and never have to deal with obnoxious one-eyed Al Bhed men again. I could even play with Yuna's new baby. She's adorable. I've already decided that she and Vidina are going to get married one day in the distant future. I mean, it's perfect. Vidina's almost two years older than her, so it's not like some creepy age difference, they're going to grow up together and be the best of friends when they're little, which will turn into something more.
It's like the perfect romance novel.
And Vidina won't be a big jerk like some people and turn into a complete man-whore who little Lena is afraid to touch for fear of STDs. Vidina will be a nice guy. Probably a blitzball player like his daddy.
Oooh! They could be the stars of the Aurochs and become world-famous, and be the couple everyone talks about! That would be so cool! And then they'd have lots of little blitzball-playing babies, and -
Why am I thinking about my cousin's newborn daughter's love life? This is weird.
Of course, they'd have Old Maid Aunt Rikku hanging around, teaching them all sorts of useful secrets, like the best excuses for when you're caught making out with your boyfriend or how to avoid all manner of work most efficiently. Of course, this is going to happen as soon as I dig myself out of the mass of sand and my father's not-so-subtle hints that I ought to be following in Yuna's footsteps by now (19, Pops. Do you want your daughter pregnant at 19?)
And it's all Gippal's fault that I'm here. Because if he wasn't such a jerk, I would probably be on a date with Hot Myrick by now. Mmm. Myrick. Think about the sexiest man imaginable, and multiply by ten. And then you've got Myrick's shadow. And he so had a crush on me, too. All the girls were saying he was going to ask me out, and then Gippal decides to throw me to the desert iguanas and roast me alive.
Not to mention, even if Myrick miraculously shows up here, proclaiming undying love and willingness to whisk me off my feet, my dad is here. Pops would probably answer the door and spend three hours explaining to Myrick just how he should treat me, and then kick him out for looking at me. I think Gippal is a closet sadist.
I hope he gets herpes.
...Actually, no, I don't. Because herpes is kinda gross and contagious (in an... STD kind of way) and thinking about Gippal with herpes leads to thinking about where it would be and...
Let's just jump that train of thought, shall we?
Okay, truth is, I had a huge crush on him when I was a kid. In fact, I had a huge crush on him when I was a teenager (which I still am, so draw whatever conclusions you want). And the night he left for the Crimson Squad I might have gotten incredibly drunk and kissed him. Which is what he was teasing me about when he said that we made "quite the couple," because everyone and their slightly crazy Aunt Mildred were there and saw it happen. And the worst part? I don't remember a thing about it.
I got horribly embarrassed by kissing the guy I was practically in love with and don't even remember it. That might be a good thing (he might have thrown me off of him in disgust, in which case I don't want to remember), but still.
And Yuna's convinced that I'm going to marry him someday, which is not only kind of weird but completely impossible. The day Gippal gets married will be the first day of the apocalypse. I'm serious. He'll say the words "I do" and whoever created Spira will walk out of the sky, raining fire and proclaiming the end of the universe. He just isn't gonna get married, not to me or anyone else.
Oh well. Yuna's convinced of a lot of things. She's also got this weird belief that Paine is going to marry Baralai, which might be more possible than me and Gippal, but can you imagine? You've got the prudish Yevonite and... Paine. Insert dirty bondage joke here. That wedding would be the craziest thing ever.
And I'm not elaborating on the bondage joke. I think you can come up with something on your own, and I would have to kill myself if I even considered going there.
...Eeeeeew.
Anyway, I'm in the desert. Digging, which ranks on the "fun meter" just below plucking out pubic hair. Which, in case you were wondering, I have never done. I am not a masochist. That sounds unimaginably painful.
This is an awkward subject. Moving on... I'm digging up machina (machines, whatever) under a hot desert sun, sweating like a pig. You know how all those horny guys talk about sweaty girls being sexy? Just an FYI to all you horny guys - there is nothing sexy about sweat. I reek and I look like hell. You would have to enjoy sleeping with dirty shoopufs to enjoy sleeping with sweaty girls. At least, sweaty-from-digging-in-the-desert girls. Because I've got sand in places that should not, under any circumstances, have sand.
I'm not even sure how it gets there. It's not like I'm wearing a thong. Apparently, desert sand has magical make-you-really-really-uncomfortable properties. Yet another reason that we should have stationed in Besaid. Because even though you can get sandy lady parts on the beach, you can very easily wash said sandy lady parts out without looking like you're on drugs or doing naughty things.
Here, you're stuck with it until you can navigate through the dunes to the Oasis under cover of darkness. Or, until we finally get running water, which Pops has been promising for about ever and hasn't yet done. That man's gonna have a mutiny on his hands if he doesn't get us that water, and I'll be in the lead. I mean, we're pretty forgiving, but sand in awkward places is not to be overlooked easily.
But even this can be blamed on Gippal. I mean, if he wanted to, I'm sure he could get us some running water. Everything can ultimately be blamed on Gippal, if you think about it. I couldn't sleep last night, it's his fault. Whether this is because I was "pining" for him (as Yuna claims every time I mention that I had a dream involving him, even though it usually involves me hurting him or something completely insane like we're watching bright red chocobos dance across Luca) or because he put me here, the blame can be traced back to him.
That's what he gets for being such a jerk.
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(A/N: As usual, endings are for losers. It's actually incredibly easy for me to write Rikku, considering I pretty much act exactly like her. So she's a lot of fun. And this doesn't count, does it, Vixen? Come on, he made a cameo!)
(Review!)