You know him being a sprite doesn't mean he died; that doesn't make looking at him any less terrifying, or heartbreaking.
You'd been playing videogames on the floor of your respite block when he came in, red, semi-transparent body floating over to you and settling down on the floor at your side. You don't look away from the screen, though you know he hates it when you do that, because you just can't bring yourself to. It hurts too much more often than not.
You hear him let out a small huff, then lay down and curl around you, half his torso in your lap while his sprite-tail curls around you from behind. You again don't look, though your fingers do pause over the buttons on your controler. You instinctively know he's already closed his eyes, but you also know he can feel your tense body.
You know it kills him to know you're so afraid of looking at him. But it was your fault anyway, so he can't blame you, your mind tells you, before you push that thought aside.
After a while, you've died several times in the game, and several times inside, so you finally look down at your matesprit. He looks relatively relaxed, the very tip of his tail curling and uncurling gently as he keeps his good-eye closed.
You run your fingers through his hair, careful of the bandage wrapped around his head, holding down a large piece of blood-stained gauze over his right eye. That hadn't happened to him; Jake had accidentally shot a bullet through the eye of the other object used to program the kernelsprite, one of Nepeta's stuffed cats, or purrbeasts or something. You're always thankful to know that hadn't happened to him...
You sigh inwardly and keep playing with his hair as you set down your controller, leaning down to plant a gentle kiss to his temple. He starts purring softly at the contact, smiling a little against your stomach, and you immediately feel guilty again. You shouldn't feel so afraid to meet his gaze, why the fuck are you always so afraid...
"M'sorry..." you murmur against his hair, causing his purring to subside a little bit as he pulls back from your abdomen to look up at you quizzically.
"What forrr?" he mumbles with a clicking sound at the end of his sentence, sitting up a little with his hands on either side of your legs.
"For being an ass recently." You shrug and look away from him, further solidifying your point. "For... ignoring you, and shit... I'm just..." You shuffle around uncomfortably, not sure how to say it, but knowing you should.
"Scarrred?" Karkatsprite cocks his head to the side, lips tugged into an understanding frown.
"Y-Yeah, a little bit," you admit quietly, looking down at your lap so you don't have to meet his gaze, out of embarrassment and guilt now more than anything.
"Tell me why." He gently bumps your foreheads together, encouraging you to speak. "Is it because of how I look?"
"A... A little. I mean, I know you're not dead, at least not anymore, but it still... I mean, the blood and everything... And just..." You sigh again and run a hand through your hair. "It's hard thinking about it... Especially since you say it doesn't hurt, but Davesprite is always bothered by it," you vaguely gesture to his eye.
Karkatsprite's frown deepens, pushing forward to nuzzle against your jaw and purr softly in concern. "I'm alrrright, Dave. It doesn't hurt anymorrre."
"But it hurt at some point," you protest miserably. "And you're not... y- troll anymore." Karkatsprite pulls back again to shoot you a slightly hurt look.
"Dave, I'm still me, just with some... changes."
"I-I know you are," you say quickly to try and fix things. "I didn't mean it like that, Kitten, you know that."
"Perrrhaps, but you don't seem to believe it."
"Karkat,"
"Sprrrite," he interrupts you, but you go on as if he hadn't spoken.
"it just really hurts to know that you hurt, and that you had to change your entire being because I fucked up." Understanding flashes through his eye, brow raising in realization.
"You blame yourrrself forrr this?" he asks incredulously, making you wince and look away.
"O-Of course, you idiot. It was my fault wasn't it?" Karkatsprite shakes his head vigorously, a hand shifting to under your chin to pull your gaze back up to his. He gives you the most intense look of your life, and you should probably be a little scared 'cause he looks pretty ferral, but you just feel like crying.
"It wasn't yourrr fault, Dave." He shakes his head again, leaning forward to kiss your nose. "Shit happens, doesn't it?" You swallow thickly and close your eyes, taking deep, albeit shaky breaths. "If this is the alpha timeline, it would have happened no matterrr what we did, rrright?"
"I-I guess."
"No, no guessing. I'm serrious. I'm not letting you move until we have this figurrred out, alrrright?" He kissses your eyelids gently, then nuzzles the side of your nose. "Please believe me."
"I do, Kitten, it's just... You're right, it probably would have happened no matter what, but because it happened this way, it's my fault."
"Dave, shut up, would you?" he growls, pulling back to look at you. "Okay, yeah, it was yourrr fault that I had to chase afterrr you to save yourrr ass, but look, I'm still here. I'm not dead. I don't hurrrt. I'd much rrratherrr be like this than not be here at all."
"I'm not saying I don't want you around, because I do, fuck, I do, but how can you not hate me for what happened?" He makes a strangled sound and leans forward to kiss you, capturing your lips a bit desperately. He pushes you until you're on your back, kissing the utter fuck out of you as his tail flicks up to turn off the TV.
You shift a little, pulling back from his lips to look up at him and card your fingers into his cherry-red hair. "I love you, Kitten," you mumbles, hoping your voice crack isn't noticeable. "I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you."
"You'll still love me eitherrr way, rrright?" he asks, tilting his head to the side and flicking his ears. "Even though I'm like this?"
"Of course." You frown a little.
"Then shut up."
You breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling in time with the heartbeat pressed against your chest, reminding you he's still alive.
You tighten your arms around his waist and chest, pulling him closer to yourself and burying your nose deeper into his hair. He makes a snuffling sound in his sleep, curling up tighter and gladly staying close to you. You memorize the scent of the shampoo in his hair (you guys should always shower after sex, like goddamn), letting it calm you down as you run the pads of your fingers over the silky skin of his stomach.
With the clock located behind you, you have to rely on your own, internal clock to tell you how much time passes as it gets further and further into the night. Or, what could be considered night; you can never really tell.
Karkatsprite shifts around again and presses his nose into your shoulder that he's using as a pillow, settling his paw-like hands over your own. For a moment, you think he's awake, but then he mumbles in his sleep, and you relax again, holding him even tighter; despite having promised him to sleep, Dave knows there's no way, honestly. Not with the constant guilt of causing this, and the guilt for not just accepting Karkat the way he is now; Karkatsprite is comfortable with it, isn't he?
You let out a shaky sigh and open your eyes again, kissing the back of his head as you gently pull away from him. You could theoretically having a marching band crash through the room, and Karkat wouldn't wake. You've kind of chalked this up as Karkatsprite not being affected by the nightmares Karkat was. You kick yourself when you realize that's actually a really good thing; Karkat has years of sleep to catch up on.
"Dave, lay back down." You nearly jump out of your skin, having only gotten a foot away from the bed before his voice tells you to turn back around. Karkatsprite has rolled over onto his back to look up at you with his wide, cat-like eye and a slightly pained look. "Please. You can't keep doing this. I'm fine, rrreally. I don't mind being like this. I almost prrreferrr it." He reaches out a hand and you take it without hesitation, though without thought as well.
He gently pulls you back towards the bed, carefully tugging you down and into his arms. He weaves his fingers through your hair as he holds your head to his chest, humming softly to you and nuzzling the top of your head. You just kind of lay there stiffly for a bit, then slowly relax into the embrace, looping your arms up and around your sprite, sighing shakily.
You don't even notice as you start crying, the motions coming so naturally, you find it a wonder you haven't cried before now. You only really realize because Karkat starts humming louder and presses kisses to your hair, shhing you every now and then between sobs you only just register are yours.
Closing your eyes tightly, you break and cling to him even tighter, letting out the choked sounds into his chest as he showers affection on every bit of you he can reach.
If you're being honest with yourself, you're done with this. You're done with being sad and being guilty, and until now, you've thought it'd be impossible to move past it all; you'd never even considered crying. Striders don't cry. Bro never cried. You haven't cried since you were a baby. And shit, does it feel amazing. Despite holding him so tightly, you feel every one of your muscles relaxing, until you're a puddle of sobs and apologies.
Karkatsprite just hushes you through the whole thing, never hesitating in giving you affection, or whispers of encouragement, or apologies of his own. What he has to say sorry for, you have absolutely no idea, but you let him anyway, just relaxing until you've cried yourself dry. You still breathe shakily, but more to catch your breath than anything, your grip on Karkat's slowly loosening.
He pulls away to cup your wet cheeks in his hands, shhing your hiccups and gently kissing at the tear-tracks through your freckles. "Feel any betterrr?" he purrs softly. You nod and decide that if Karkatsprite's happy, you're happy.
So you smile.
A/N: I started this back when I didn't really know a whole lot about sprites, but hopefully I fixed everything?
This is obviously an offshoot timeline, or an AU. Probs AU. I dunno. I recently found the beginning, and needed some sad Dave's. So sad Dave's I give.
Karkatsprite was programmed with, like I said, a practically destroyed stuffed cat and then Karkat. I have a whole story as to why Jake had to shoot the cat in the eye, but there was no space for me to get to it in this, so sorry for any confusion ^_^'
Title is from a poem I wrote ages ago that doesn't really have anything to do with the story? I dunno.
Uhm, I think that's everything.
Ciao!
~Webs