Oh What a Christmas to Have the Blues

A/N: 02/27/2009: I just moved this over to from the BWR, which is why it seems insanely out of season... But it's still enjoyable! :O

A/N: 12/24/2009: I wanted to write a Christmas story! So here it is, I moved some events around to suit my own needs, in particular Lane and Zack didn't have their wedding and Lorelai didn't form the Super Cool Party People club thinger; you'll figure out the rest :)

And a tremendous thank you to Pink Hammer for the awesome last minute Beta!

Lorelai stood on the sidewalk on a busy Hartford street, staring blindly into a window that held a toiletry set covered in cats. She could no longer see the Christmas lights or the garland that hung artfully from the window. She wondered for a moment if her heart had stopped and if she had been punched in the gut, as his words echoed through her mind.

"Then do it. I'm just saying. Let me be part of it."

"No," he told her with a hint of finality and coldness in his voice.

"Why?" she asked, her heart starting to pound, afraid to hear his answer.

"Because it's too soon," he responded incredulous, almost stamping his foot on the cold pavement.

"Why is it too soon?" she pushed.

"Because the minute you get involved in her life it'll be all over for me." His voice was now unmistakably tinged with resentment. Lorelai wondered how they had gotten here, how he had made this base assumption about her.

"What? That's ridiculous," she pressed, her tone betraying the hurt she was starting to feel.

"No. It's not ridiculous," he spat, which caused Lorelai to blink rapidly. Had he just entirely overlooked her feelings? "You're colorful and funny. You're practically a cartoon character. Kids love you. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either, after meeting you."

"Luke!" She voiced with offense. A cartoon character, really?

"She'll like you better. That is just a fact."

"No! You're her dad."

"Yes. I am her dad. And this is the way I want it to be."

"Okay."

"I'll be a couple of minutes."

"I'll be right here," was her last response. It was all she could do to keep the anger, hurt and disappointment from seeping through the cracks in her already shaky foundation.

Her breath was gone, her hands were shaking and she realized how overcome she was at that very moment with bottled up emotion. She heard the words to 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' playing on a radio at a neighboring bistro and suddenly felt her heart sink into her stomach. Blinking rapidly, she wrapped her arms around around her mid section and stalked away from the storefront as fast as her legs would take her.

But she was in Hartford for God's sake; they had taken Luke's truck but there was no way she could could face him. She was already at least four blocks from the shop and expected Luke to be stepping out of the store at any moment, wondering where she went. The moment she hoped for a miracle she noticed Rory's old bus pull up to a stop a few feet from where she was standing.

The moment the bus jerked forward and she was forced down into a cold seat, she buried her face in her hands and proceeded to cry uncontrollably. After a good ten minutes, when her wallow turned into deep gasps for air, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Sweetie, it's going to be okay," an old woman told her, while smiling and holding out a package of Kleenex. Lorelai smiled back gratefully and took a tissue to wipe her cheeks with.

"No one wants to be alone for Christmas," the old woman continued, unfazed. "My husband passed away three years ago and my kids are all over the country, none of them care to come home on the holidays anymore. So I spend my Christmases at the senior center now, or in the soup kitchen."

"Oh wow, I'm sorry," Lorelai responded, suddenly drawn into the warmth of this old woman, who was turned around in the seat in front of Lorelai. She had poorly dyed blond hair with stark white roots, an old beaten plastic rain cap, a tattered trench-coat and thick soled back shoes.

"Things get better," the old woman smiled. "I lost my first husband in the war and thought that I would never love anyone again. But I got lucky and I thank God every day for my Benjy, even though I didn't get as much time with him as I would have liked."

"They do get better, don't they?"

"It's hard to see it when you're in it, but they do. My name is Marilee by the way, dear," the woman told her, holding out a small cold hand to shake. Lorelai shook it gladly.

"Lorelai, and it's very nice to meet you. This is my stop, Marilee, Star's Hollow. Have a Merry Christmas!"

Marielle simply smiled and turned back in her seat as Lorelai departed from the semi-warmth of the bus. She wondered if the woman knew just how helpful she had been, but still walked home with a heavy heart.

The answering machine contained two messages and her dead and recently revived cell phone revealed two more. They were harried, confused, slightly angry and annoyed, and they were from Luke. She had no desire to answer them or listen to them fully, at least until she made up her mind.

Lorelai knew the circumstances of their relationship, those recent rules and boundaries, were wrong and misguided. She knew for a fact that Luke was wrong on all of his points from earlier in the day and she was hurt because she knew that he was refusing to hear her out.

She wanted him, home, for Christmas. She wanted this Christmas to be different--special. She already had plans to decorate the tree with him and Rory, listening to cheesy classic Christmas music, sipping hot cocoa, with the first two Home Alone movies playing in the background. She already had a few quippy Macaulay Culkin jokes ready and had planned to get them to watch The Good Son just to keep with the theme of the evening.

It was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be different. He was supposed to know how she was really feeling. He should have known, they never should have gotten to where they were. And there it was, that song again, 'I'll Be Home For Christmas', you can count on me. It was coming from her recently charged cell phone and it was the song she had recently programed to play when Luke called.

Please have snow and mistletoe, it said, and presents under the tree. Squeezing her eyes closed with all her might, she flipped the phone open and pressed the receiver to her ear.

"Lorelai?" he asked almost frantically. "What happened to you, where did you go? Are you ok?"

"Luke..." she said, obvious weakness in her voice. She gulped a giant breath of air and still refused to open her eyes. "I left."

"You left? Why did you leave? Is Rory okay?" She knew that he knew there was no chance she would have just run off in Hartford without him if Rory was hurt. Suddenly she realized that it was extremely likely that he knew why she had left him there in that froofy store that sold toiletry kits with cats on them. Her eyes popped open.

"Luke. You know Rory is fine."

"No I don't, you--"

"I can't do this anymore," came out of her mouth, before she even realized she was thinking it or feeling it.

"Wh-what... You can't do... Lorelai?" Luke stuttered, gasping for air.

Her heart was pounding in her ears and she didn't know what else to say. She fell into one of the yellow chairs by her kitchen table, still in her coat, her keys still clutched in her hand. "Lorelai?" he asked again.

She, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, was at a loss for words. And at this realization the tears made their fateful return. He must have heard her sobbing into the phone, as she heard bells ringing on his end of the line and a deep breath. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming over."

His phone must have been clasped shut because she soon heard a soft tone coming through the receiver on her end. But she couldn't move, she couldn't close the phone, she couldn't stand or put her keys down.

And when she finally dropped her head and closed her phone, he was there kneeling in front of her, his hand on her knee. At the realization, her heart skipped a beat and she realized it had been months since she'd felt that wistful loving feeling that Luke used to stir in her almost constantly.

"Sweetie," he whispered as he tried to catch her gaze. She was suddenly reminded of Marilee and her old worn rain cap that old ladies always seem to have in abundant supply.

"Luke," she rasped finally. "I've been losing you and I don't want this anymore."

"You're not losing me, you can't just--we're not, this is, what we have, this is right. You and me," he said desperately. His hand on her knee squeezed even tighter as her eyes began to water once more.

"I don't know why you can't see it, or why you need to do the thing with April this way. But it's wrong and I've been sulking and going along with it--I think I realized just now that I'm not the woman you fell in love with--"

"That's ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous, Luke!" Lorelai yelled, standing up and brushing Luke's hand from her knee. She moved to the counter to set her keys and phone down. Keeping her back to him with her palms on the cool counter, she continued, "I don't just form opinions out of the blue; I'm like you, I think and process, okay! You have told me three times today now that what I am feeling or thinking is wrong--ridiculous. You used to listen to what I had to say."

She turned to face him and crossed her arms, "You used to care about what I had to say. You used to want my help. I used to help you."

He stood and crossed his arms as well. He opened his mouth to respond but just swallowed.

Lorelai knew what his body language meant, she knew what that expression on his face meant. Even if he was too cowardly to say it, his actions poke volumes.

She laughed sorrowfully. "Luke, I love you," she told him with all the bluntness and finality she could muster, bringing light to the fact that neither of them had said those three words to each other yet.

He set his jaw, blinked again rapidly and forced the air out his nostrils. He finally crossed his arms, adopting a defensive posture. She stared into his uncompromising blue eyes, wishing with all she had that he would reciprocate with a declaration of his own.

"And I'm a fool," she declared after a beat, while slipping the engagement ring from her finger. She set it gingerly on the kitchen table and walked out of the kitchen, through the foyer and up the stairs in her... their room. She slammed the door behind her and buried her face in her pillow, unable to withstand the suffocating and shattering feeling that was coursing through her veins. He might as well have died, she thought, because that's what this feels like.

-o-

An annoying ringing noise stirred her from her sleep. She realized that she had indeed fallen asleep, that it was nine in the evening a week from Christmas and she was alone and cold in a big, empty house. She knew Luke wasn't going to follow her up those stairs, but she was still heart broken when she realized that he hadn't. And the ringing, that annoying ringing. By the time she finally realized it was the phone, she heard the answering machine pick up. She screwed her eyes shut when she remembered what the message had been changed to.

"Ho! It's another Christmas song!" her voice carried up the stairs, speaking-singing a la William Shatner. "Whoa! Get ready, Luke, for another Christmas song!" her voice belted out through the machine.

"Stop," Luke's voice rang out. "I am not singing this stupid song with you."

"Aw,Luke you promised," her voice responded, with mock sadness.

"No, I did not, you noodled me all afternoon and I only told you okay so you'd shut up."

"Well, guess what? I've been recording this whole time, ha!"

"What?!" BEEP!

"Mom? If you're screening please pick up," Rory's voice played up the stairs. Lorelai's eyes widened, she rubbed her face vigorously to wake up and grabbed the hand set next to her bed.

"Hey, kid," Lorelai said by way of greeting, trying to sound as awake and emotionally adjusted as possible. There was no way she could explain her day to Rory without needing to be placed into an insane asylum after reliving it all again.

"Mom! Thank God!"

"Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah actually, everything is great!"

"Oh?"

"So I had applied for this winter journalism fellowship and had been turned down. I know I didn't talk to you about it, it was all very last minute and I knew the odds weren't in my favor since I'm not a senior or anything. But it turns out that the guy who won came down with mono and has to stay home all break! And guess what?"

"They called you!" Lorelai said smiling, feeling suddenly lighter as she sat up in bed and reached to switch the lamp on.

"Yes! They called me! It's going to be amazing and well, the only bad news is it's in London. The London Times actually, and I already talked to Dad, he said he'd be happy to buy me a ticket to get over there. So you don't need to worry about anything. And I know we'd miss each other for Christmas, but you have Luke this year so it won't be too bad for you!"

"Aw, hon," Lorelai responded, suddenly tense as her daughter's words started to sink in.

"It's just such a great opportunity, Mom."

"It is, it really is, kid. I'll g-get by fine without you, don't you worry. Make sure to torment some pa-palace guards for me and put a good word in with the uh, the Queen." Lorelai had to muster all her strength to keep her emotions in check, she prayed Rory didn't pick up on her stuttering.

"I knew you'd think so! And I definitely will, I'm so excited, Mom! I'll miss you so much and Christmas will be weird, but I'll be sure to call you and rack up your phone bill."

"Well I mean, you won't have to start missing me so soon! I'll see you before you go?"

"Actually... since it was so last minute, I have to catch the Red Eye first thing in the morning."

Lorelai suddenly felt like her lungs had become an empty vacuum. "Tomorrow, kid? H-have you packed? Are you really ready? Do you want me to take you to the airport?"

"No, it's okay. I mean, I'm closer to Bradley than you are and I'm going to just take a shuttle. I have to leave in a few hours and I should be all packed up by then."

"Rory--"

"It'll be too hard, Mom," Rory cut her off with these fast words. Lorelai could hear her daughter take a deep, steadying breath. "If you drive me to the airport and I start to realize I won't be with you for Christmas..."

"Oh," Lorelai whispered, her right hand pressed tightly above her beating heart.

"I love you so much, Mom," Rory finally uttered, letting out a soft sob.

"I know, hon, I love you too. It'll be okay, hon, we'll be together next year."

"I better get back to packing."

"Okay, safe flight..."

After her call with Rory all she could manage to do was stare up at the ceiling in her room, blinking rapidly, wondering where all the water was coming from that was continuously leaking from her eyes. Her stomach growled and she realized she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and even that was light since Luke had griped about being late.

Had she and Luke still been in a relationship that morning, still engaged? It seemed so far away already.

"I'm spending Christmas alone this year," she said aloud dully. With that, she pulled herself from her bed to find that one half package of Pop Tarts she knew still existed in a drawer somewhere.

When she entered the kitchen and flicked the light on she caught the glint of her engagement ring still sitting on the table. He hadn't taken it. Her heart dropped back into her stomach and she ran to the downstairs bathroom, evacuating her already empty stomach.

The next day she realized there was still a bare Christmas tree sitting in her living room. The scent of fresh pine and winter snow reminded her of Luke and she wondered if she could muster the energy to throw it out onto the front lawn. The two Home Alone DVDs sat on her DVD player, artfully hiding her copy of The Good Son. There were unopened cardboard boxes off to the side, marked 'Christmas Decorations'. She knew they wouldn't make it out of the box this year. She wondered if she'd ever be able to bring herself to return the DVDs to the video store; at the moment the late fees seemed inconsequential.

But this was all in her rush to get to work, so there wasn't time for any of that anyway. And somehow, on the way to the Dragonfly, she decided no one needed to know of the breakup. The ring was at the jewelers, being cleaned--no, the gem was loose, that was better. Sookie would assume it was the result of wild sex, and she'd let her think that. Lorelai knew the last thing she wanted was pity; to be invited to some one else's family Christmas would feel more hollow.

And so she threw herself into her work, avoiding Sookie's questions, locking herself into her office, burying all thoughts of Luke deep down inside. It was hard for her to zone out the constant play of Christmas music coming from the lobby and every few songs made her tear up. Hearing about ring-a-linging silver bells and wishing you a merry Christmas was really just a constant reminder of that impending day, more like impending doom.

Christmas day, that day most children cannot wait to arrive, the day that comes every year, that used to bring a smile to her face, even in the dog days of summer. The wonderful day that inspired all this great music, all these great movies and all those fantastic Christmas episodes and specials. That day now became a sort of doomsday for her. She could almost hear nervous inmates repeating, "Dead man walking" at her retreating back.

Oh night divine, my ass.

The next two days were filled with the aforementioned feelings, and they passed by like two turtle doves. On the third day, three french hens, Lorelai remembered Marilee and her mention of the senior center and the soup kitchen. Without any hesitation, on the fourth day, four calling birds, she found herself at a soup kitchen.

It wasn't her original plan, four days past meant three more days until Christmas. She had officially taken off that day (the 22nd) through New Years Day, after she had made previous plans with Luke and Rory weeks ago. A soup kitchen sounded like a totally selfless, yet completely selfish act. While serving the community, she hoped that she'd maybe feel a little better on about her once favorite holiday.

And she did. Marilee wasn't at this particular soup kitchen, as she had hoped, and the day was long and her feet hurt, but she was resolved to do something with her days that didn't include sulking or terrorizing her staff at the inn.

It was snowing when she left, heavily, and she was all the way across town lines in Lichfield. Lorelai always felt overly comfortable driving in inclement weather in her Jeep; the name gave her a false sense of security, so she didn't bother to wait for the storm to let up or for a plow to clear her immediate route before she pulled out of the soup kitchen's parking lot that evening.

It was a dumb decision and she realized it the moment she made it onto the snow covered highway. The snow that evening was wet and fluffy, packed tightly on the roads in some spots and loosely in others. The radio blared Christmas music and Lorelai was too busy concentrating on the road to change the station. She just wanted to get home, fall into bed and not think, so she pressed on.

Avoiding the town square would not have been a wise decision, as it was likely that the main streets were the only ones that were cleared. Even though she had to drive past Luke's, she breathed a sigh of relief when home was within reach. 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' was blaring through the radio, Ella Fitzgerald exclaiming that she really can't stay.

And that's when she lost control; her jeep veered into the blue Star's Hollow sign, her non-existant airbag failed to deploy and she realized she forgot to buckle up as her head slammed into the steering wheel. At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died.

Make it worth your while baby.

She found herself in her Jeep, in front of the town sign, packed to the nines in winter gear, but it was summer. The sun was shining in the sky, there were birds playing arias in the distance, the grass was almost radioactive green and an old woman sat next to her.

"Marilee?" Lorelai asked, confused.

"Yes dear," the woman replied. A warming smiling graced her face, lighting her up from her lips to her eyes. "Everything's gonna be okay."

Lorelai felt a hand on her shoulder and everything was dark and cold again. She heard her name and felt someone shaking her.

"Lorelai? Oh God please, Lorelai, open your eyes!" The voice was frantic and deep, and without realizing it, invoking a stirring of warmth within Lorelai's belly.

"Luke?" she inquired as she tried to turn her head, but felt a sharp pain in her neck that stopped her.

"Don't move, sweetheart," he warned her, a slight quaver in his voice.

"What happened?" she pressed, still resting her head on the wheel but moving her gloved hand up to her forehead.

"You hit the sign, you hit your head," he informed her, taking the hand that was on her forehead and placing it in her lap. "I called 911, they'll be here soon, just please don't move."

There was obvious panic in his voice now, and Lorelai wondered what her face looked like. It felt like it had been run over by a semi. She saw the blood on her mitten and swallowed down a sob of fear that threatened to overtake her.

Luke noticed her tense up and ran his hand over her hair, "Shhh it'll be ok, everything's gonna be okay."

-o-

"You didn't take the ring," Lorelai blurted out from a hospital bed; a bandage was wrapped around her head and she held an icepack to her throbbing skull. She was still in her street clothes, although the collar of her blouse was stained red.

"We don't have to talk about that now," Luke said nervously from her bedside, bouncing his knee relentlessly. There were giant bags under his eyes and it was evident that he hadn't shaved in at least four, maybe five, days. Lorelai wondered if he had gotten any sleep at all since she saw him last.

"I think I'm ready to go home... I can't believe I didn't even get stitches," she said as she sat up in the bed, wincing slightly at the pain in her neck and shoulders.

"It looked worse than it was, head injuries bleed a lot." Luke immediately stood to help her sit up.

"Only a maybe concussion."

"You have a thick skull."

"Thanks," she said sarcastically, wincing at the pain in her back as she stood.

"Taylor's gonna have a conniption when he sees the sign," Luke added softly in a comforting tone.

"Hah yes, he will lose his Christmas cookies."

"At least you got something good out of it."

"A couple somethings."

-o-

There was silence in the truck on the way back to Stars Hollow; both Luke and Lorelai were a little shell shocked from the events of the evening. "We're not going to talk about it?" she finally asked.

"It's 3am and you have a heard injury... I don't think--"

"I'm afraid if we don't that we'll go back to ignoring it like we've been the past few days," Lorelai said quickly, cutting him off. She turned in her seat to face him.

He looked at her quickly, winced when he took in her head bandage again and turned to face the road. "I don't know what to do," he confessed.

"Well we could--"

"No I mean... You were right. I got April a toiletry kit with cats on it for Christmas. I thought, I mean, I knew I was right. It took me four days to realize that it was a dumb gift, that I was being a jerk... I couldn't even tell you that I love you, Lorelai! You're right, that's not me, I used to have to remind myself every day before we dated to not tell you that I loved you. I used to have to come up with stupid excuses for myself so I wouldn't end up on your door step every night like a crazy stalker. And I know how I felt today when I saw your Jeep run off the road. I thought someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. When you didn't move after I opened the door, I thought I'd die. I lost at least ten years tonight when I thought I'd lost you.. I don't know what to do."

Luke's words rang through Lorelai's head like clanging church bells; it started to ache again with all the processing she was doing. Her stomach automatically fluttered when she heard the concern in his voice and relief flooded through her veins. Maybe they could work through it, but suddenly she felt very faint.

"Maybe you're right, I mean, it's 3am," she finally responded, resting her head on the cool truck window. "We can talk about this tomorrow?"

"Yeah, you should get some sleep."

When Luke followed Lorelai from the truck to her front door, she didn't question him. She knew he'd want to stay the night to make sure she was okay. Once they reached her room he silently moved to unbutton her top, helped her out of her jeans and into her flannel pajamas. He had picked the ones from her drawer that were covered in giant snowflakes, not realizing the irony of the pattern. Lorelai was grateful, although she was too tired to speak. She realized she could hardly bend over as she climbed into their bed. Luke quietly moved to the other side of the room and sat on the couch by the window, tipping his head back. And that was the last thing she remembered before she noticed the sun peaking through the curtained window.

There was a soft snoring noise coming from the other side of the room, and when she finally managed to roll over, she noticed Luke asleep in the same position he had taken the evening before. She remembered the events of the car crash and for the first time wondered what happened to her car.

"Luke," she whispered softly, letting out a smile when she saw the trail of drool on his chin. "Luke, hon, it's almost nine."

Luke stirred and blinked his eyes rapidly. "Oh, I fell asleep," he remarked before moving to stretch and awkwardly swiping the drool from his chin.

"You looked pretty tired too. Do you have to open the diner?"

"Oh no, I had uh taken this time off, you know, like we had talked about."

"Oh," she gasped, her breath catching in her throat. "I thought you would've just gone back to work."

"Well I didn't want to make things harder for you," he told her as he held his head in his hands, rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes. "I mean, I knew that if I showed up after we had made all these plans, that people would talk. I knew it was already hard enough as it was around the holidays."

"Yeah, I couldn't really tell anyone either."

"Lorelai, I don't want it to end," he quickly expressed in one breath, listing his head to stare at her with his piercing blue gaze. After taking a deep breath, he moved to sit on his side of the bed. "I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did. I need you, it's like... it's like nothing else matters if you're not there."

"I can't breathe without you," she replied as her face crumpled.

"Please don't cry," he uttered as he pulled her into his arms. Lorelai let out a soft, ouch, as the soreness in her shoulders turned to pain. "Oh, I'm sorry," Luke said as he tried to return her to her original position.

"No, no," she pleaded. "Don't stop."

Luke quickly moved to envelop her in his arms, taking great care to keep from hurting her again. He rocked her lightly from side to side and whispered into her ear, "We'll figure it out, I promise. I'm so sorry."

Before he knew it, she had fallen asleep in his arms. When Lorelai woke up again an hour later she found that she was alone in her bed and the sheets on Luke's side were cold to the touch. She wondered for a moment if she had dreamed it all, but she spotted Luke's blue hat resting on the couch and sighed with relief.

When Lorelai was finally able to maneuver herself from the bed and make it down the stairs, she froze in shock the moment she reached the landing. All the garland had been laid out, the slightly charred stockings had been hung on the staircase, lights were up and on and there were little twinkle lights in the windows. The tree was still bare but she saw her and Rory's home made ornaments sitting in a box next to the tree.

She caught a whiff of sugar cookies and shuffled directly towards the kitchen, tears in her eyes. Luke was busy pulling a tray of cookies from the oven when he saw her. He smiled and pulled out a plate of eggs, toast and maple sausage that had been warming in another oven compartment. Lorelai sat down with a big grin on her face and inhaled the aroma of his coffee as a mug was placed in front of her.

"I can't believe you did all this," she said with a full mouth as she shoveled eggs into her mouth. Lorelai had in fact not eaten anything since before leaving for the soup kitchen the other day, and even that was half a stale Pop Tart. She found that her stomach had finally unclenched and there was nothing better to fill it than a Luke breakfast.

"I actually did most of it last night," he confessed as he chuckled. "I'm surprised I didn't wake you, I practically fell off the roof."

"You put Christmas lights up outside too?" she asked as he sat in the chair next to her.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep, I hope it's okay, I saw that you still hadn't put anything out and I know how much you love this stuff."

"Wow, Luke," Lorelai whispered, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

"I'm surprised you and Rory haven't done all this already," Luke just replied as he smiled.

"Rory's not here.... I mean, she got this fellowship at the London Times for her winter break."

"So... you were gonna do Christmas alone this year?" Luke asked her, shocked.

"I didn't find out until after, I guess it was a last minute thing? Um, it's no big deal--"

"Are you kidding me? The woman who was going to force me to watch both Home Alone movies and an entire marathon of A Christmas Story? And don't think I didn't see that copy of The Good Son stuffed under those DVDs. You're the woman who tried to get me to practice chasing the mistletoe around the ceiling fan! The woman who dragged my ass out of bed at 3am just to see the snow fall! You even told me the saga of how your stockings were burned six times, about how even though you almost burned your house down, as 'it was worth the risk solely for the sake of the story!'"

Lorelai smiled at his rant, blushing slightly when she realized that he had called her on her falsehood. "Were you going to spend it alone need a comma here Luke?"

"Lorelai, I have spent most of my Christmases alone." His voiced cracked at this admittance. "I was really looking forward to this year with you. To be honest, I don't think I would've lasted until tomorrow without breaking down your door."

Lorelai's smile grew and her heart fluttered in her chest, but then she realized the ring wasn't on the table anymore.

"I found your ring, under a coffee cup, this morning," Luke confessed as he saw her staring at the table. "It's in my pocket, I didn't want it to get lost." He reached into the pocket of his flannel shirt and raised it out on his index finger, his hand was shaking.

"What are we gonna do about this?" he inquired, staring at the ring, twirling it between his thumb and forefinger.

Lorelai wanted more than anything to grab it from him and slip it back on her finger. She subconsciously started to rub the white strip of skin on her ring finger with her thumb. "I want to put it back on, so badly, Luke, but..."

"But we need to figure some stuff out first."

"Three things, Luke."

"Just three?" he asked, a smile playing on his lips, but his eyes betrayed his worry.

"One... Move in, as soon and as fast as possible."

"Done."

"Two... marry me, sooner rather than later?"

"I was thinking... maybe we could just elope?"

"Really? I would need Rory and Sookie there, and of course, April."

"Yeah, of course."

"And speaking of April..."

"Number three?"

"Yeah."

"She's in New Mexico with Anna right now, visiting her grandmother..."

"Doesn't have to be right now."

"She's going to stay with me for New Years, she wanted to go to Patty's party. You'll come."

A gigantic smile blossomed on Lorelai's face and she looked down at her lap, biting her tongue. "One other thing?"

"Four?"

"No this is part of three... The thing that killed me the most was when you'd tell me when April was going to be over and... well, implied that I wasn't supposed to be around or that I should come over after."

"Okay."

"I want to meet Anna."

"Lorelai--"

"No, don't Lorelai me. We're in this, together, and we will be, once we're married, forever. I'm surprised she hasn't wanted to meet me yet. I would--I mean, I met Sherry when Christopher was with her."

"She doesn't know about you," Luke confessed. Lorelai felt her heart sink slowly into her chest. "I wasn't thinking, I thought that if I told her... I don't know what I thought, it was dumb. This is something--I can do this, it's okay, I'll talk to her when they come back, I promise."

"Luke... I don't want to feel like I'm forcing you to do things you don't want to do."

"I got a taste of life without you, Lorelai, I got a taste of what losing you really feels like... I need to think faster, I need to trust your opinion, I don't know why I stopped. You're like Jimmeny Cricket in my ear."

"Luke that brings me to one other thing. It's really a non-thing, not a number, maybe a fraction, three point two--Don't ever call me a cartoon character again."

"Oh, okay. Sorry."

"And now I'm exhausted," she huffed as she moved to stretch her neck. "So, the ring?"

"Lorelai, I have a few things."

"Oh," she said, settling back into her seat.

"They're not big, just..." Luke looked down at the ring with intense concentration. "If you're mad at me or I did something really, really dumb that hurt you; please don't ever walk away? Just tell me and then walk away... Even leave a note or call me to let me know."

"Oh, Luke, I'm sorry," Lorelai said softly, reaching to grab the hand resting on his leg.

"And um..." he continued as he looked her in the eye. "Promise me you'll wear your seat belt from now on?"

"I promise," Lorelai responded without hesitation.

"And the last thing, the most important one. If I'm being a jerk and not realizing it, if I'm hurting you and making you regret being with me... tell me, no matter what it is, I need you to tell me."

"I promise I will."

"Good. Now," Luke lowered himself from his chair. "Lorelai Gilmore, will you marry me?"

Lorelai just laughed at first, pressed her hand to her mouth to quiet her mirth. She pressed her left hand into his and nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, yes!"

He slipped the ring on her ring finger, kissed it and held her hand tight for a moment. Groaning, he rose to his feet, pecked a kiss to the top her head and grabbed his coat from his chair. "I'll be back in a few hours. Go back to sleep and then get dressed in whatever is appropriate for decorating a tree and cookies."

Lorelai rose immediately, confused. "A few hours?"

"Yeah I gotta go pack up some stuff to bring over."

"Huh?" she asked, confused.

"I'm moving in today."

"You don't have to toda--"

"Tomorrow, since it's Christmas Eve, I have to cook all day in the diner since someone insisted that I make food for the crazy town stragglers. And I plan to spend Christmas alone with you watching that stupid marathon."

Lorelai sunk back into her chair with a goofy grin on her face, spinning her engagement ring around her finger with just as much delight as if it was placed there for the first time. Luke ran his finger over the bandage on her forehead and down her cheek, smiling. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be home soon."

-o-

After another nap, another handful of pain killers and some more mouthfuls of Luke's breakfast, Lorelai finally started to feel normal again. She stood in her large bedroom facing the mirror, wincing as she pulled the adhesive bandage from her forehead. She took in the two butterfly bandages holding the cut together, the bruising that had formed around it and the dried blood still caked around her wound. She tried to wipe the blood off with a warm damp wash cloth but upon the initial impact to the material on her forehead she winced, causing even more pain to course through her head. She pulled her hair back into a clip and resigned herself to a bath that afternoon instead of a shower, afraid that the steam and moisture from the shower would weaken the two adhesive bandages on her forehead.

She struggled to remove her pajama top, laughing to herself when she realized she was still wearing her bra. Luke was probably too shy to take it off of her and she had been too exhausted to notice. She removed it by sliding the straps down her arms and shimmying out of it, resigned to the fact that opening the clasp in the back would not be a foregone conclusion. She rubbed the indentations her bra had made on her skin as she squatted her knees to turn the tap on. Once the tub filled and had an ample amount of bubbles, she lowered herself down into the hot water with a contented Ahh.

In truth Lorelai was a bit overwhelmed about everything that had happened to her in less than a week. She left her fiance in Hartford, met a nice old woman on a bus, explained to said fiance why she left, overworked herself for two days, served people in a soup kitchen, got into a car accident, destroyed the stars hollow sign and her car, sped to the hospital on a backboard and reconciled with her ex the next day. The soup kitchen gig already felt like a million years ago and she felt a tinge of regret that she wouldn't be back that day as she had promised. Oh and said fiance was moving in that very day. She vowed to stand up for herself more in the future, especially with her loved ones.

The truth was that she had been so afraid of losing Luke that she failed to push him. She realized that maybe Luke was so afraid to lose her that he failed to reveal things to her about his life. The Twickham house being one big point, April being another. They were still standing on shaky ground and would have to work on it together. For the second time that day she realized she had failed to inquire about her Jeep or the Stars Hollow sign.

A soft knock on the door stirred her from her thoughts.

Lorelai heard his heavy voice through a small crack in the doorway. "Hey, sweetheart."

Sweetheart she repeated internally with a smile, "You can come in."

Luke opened the door a bit more and blushed when he saw her exposed upper half above the water level in the tub. "I'm gonna start unloading everything, I'll be up and down the stairs, so they'll be a little slippery. Just be careful when you go down stairs. I'll mop it all up when I'm done."

"Okay, hon, I'll come help you when I get out."

"Nah, that's okay, I'm sure your back still hurts. I've got it, plus I can unload the rest later."

-o-

"Tree looks great. You've got some serious professional star topper potential there, Cool Hand."

"Mmhmm, wouldn't be anything without you."

Lorelai was leaning on Luke on their new striped couch, clutching a cup of hot cocoa, with her slippered feet propped up on the coffee table. Frank Sinatra was crooning in the background to Silent Night and Luke and Lorelai were both admiring their newly decorated tree.

"So you really do have a talking fish."

"Uh yeah, Jess gave it to me, but I only brought it over since I figured you'd get a kick out of the mocking potential."

"You sure know how to cheer me up... but we can keep it in the box."

Luke let out an amused chuckle and pulled her more tightly into his side. He kissed the side of her head and sighed contentedly. "Not even Christmas Eve yet, but it feels like it."

"Give it a half hour."

"Mmmhmm."

"You really still cooking for the stragglers tomorrow?"

"You did see the 40lbs of uncooked turkey, right?"

"Okay if I hang out?"

"More than okay."

Lorelai turned and rested her chin on his shoulder, facing the side of his head. "Hey,Luke?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Luke turned to face her with a small smile and pulled her into a long slow kiss. "Missed kissing you," he said when he finally came up for air.

"Me too."

The CD changed to Bing Crosby's I'll Be Home For Christmas and Lorelai smiled against Luke's lips. Luke let out an amused laugh and pulled back. "Did You know, I hate this song?" Luke asked her.

"What? Not Bing!" Lorelai remarked.

"Not Bing, just this song."

"Huh, don't you hate most Christmas music?"

"Well kind of, but I really really don't like this one."

Lorelai leaned back and smiled at him, sensing an explanation was forthcoming. "When I was a kid," he began, "Christmas was great."

Luke had a nostalgic smile on his face that gave Lorelai goosebumps. He continued. "With Liz, my mom and dad, we did all the traditional family stuff. Made cookies, decorated, gave gifts, you know, the standard. But after my mom died..."

"Aw, Hon," Lorelai whispered. She settled her mug on the coffee table and grasped his hand.

"I had just turned eight, I didn't really get it. I mean, I knew she was gone but I didn't realize that it meant she'd never come back. That Christmas Eve my dad was sitting by the fireplace. He looked so sad and I thought that maybe mom would come home that night, maybe ride in on Santa's sleigh or something. So I went up to him and said, 'hey, Dad, Mom could come home tonight.' My dad looked at me confused and then said, 'she's never comin' home, son.' It just sort of shattered that night for me. I think I went outside in my pajamas and started to shovel the walk... Anyway, that song always makes me think of my mom, and that night." When he finished his story, he focused his attention on the glinting ring on Lorelai's finger.

"Oh, Luke," Lorelai said, squeezing his hand. "That must have been so hard."

"Made it easier to spend all those Christmases alone. I mean, I knew what I was missing--"

"You learned about heartbreak early."

"Too early," Luke told her while patting her leg. "Hey, have I thanked you for not making me watch the entire Home Alone saga?"

"No, but no thanks are necessary. We can just watch them on Christmas day."

"Oh joy, it'll be a break from our A Christmas Story marathon?"

"Precisely."

"Lorelai."

"Luke?"

"It's Christmas Eve."

"Sure is," Lorelai curled back into his side and closed her eyes, a content smile playing on her lips.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light beams
I'll be home for Christmas