Odds of Being Alone.
Life changes in an instant. Turns on a dime. And more often than not, we don't even see it coming. Birth, marriage, death... they're all changes that we go through in life. Life, and the fates that comes with it, are the one things that can't be changed. No matter how much it hurts, how much we wish things had gone differently, how much we wish we could take the pain away, the universe has a whole other plan for us.
Nobody notices, really.
Everything happens so fast, and the aftermath is so dramatic that by the time the grief kicks in, nobody notices.
They all feel it differently. Some through physical pain, most through emotional turmoil. The five stages are quickly over and nobody is even fazed the slightest. They've all grown so immune to it, to the drama that centers and focuses on the hospital.
It's only when the new resident is flirting with him, placing a hand on his shoulder, that Jackson realizes what the hell he's doing.
She's gorgeous, for sure, but he can't seem to get his best friend out of his head. He's not even entirely sure if she's still his best friend anymore. Maybe everything got screwed up, maybe they'd ruined everything, maybe they could never go back.
"What're you doing tomorrow night?" The brunette asks, staring up at him and he reminds himself of where he is and who's next to him.
He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he really doesn't. He's not that kind of a person, and he's pretty sure that she wouldn't care too much anyway, but he's got to be honest with her.
"I have plans." He quickly brushes her off, making his way to Chief Hunt's office.
They have to talk.
He'd decided to stay in Seattle rather than leave for New Orleans and Hunt couldn't have been more thrilled. It wasn't as if his decision to leave for Tulane had ever been serious anyway, he'd never actually finalized anything. He'd just told her that to make her happy, and to see how she'd react. And he hadn't gotten the reaction that he'd wanted nor expected.
He wanted her to ask him to stay, to not leave her. But she'd pretty much told him that she was happy that he'd be gone, that she was okay with not having him around.
He figures that it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. She'd left. She'd left him, left their place together. She'd gone home, she'd gone back to Ohio.
She probably did it to avoid him, to not have to be around him anymore, to not have to face him everyday.
It didn't help that he told her how he felt. It likely only made her leave even faster.
It broke him. She broke him.
But he wasn't going to give up, he wasn't going to let her slide away from him, he wasn't going to lose her.
He opens the door to the man's office, closing it behind himself, "Chief, I need to talk to you about April."
"I don't know what you want me to say, Derek." Meredith speaks, folding her arms over her chest.
She's stood by his bedside, a clear look of tire on her face.
He repeats his question, pronounciating each word seperately, "How do you feel?" It reminds her of the time that he'd challenged her over the phone at her boards, how he'd somehow managed to get her through her fears, for not the only time in her life and their time together.
"How do you want me to feel? I lost my sister. Cristina left for Mayo. You're a patient, again, and you may not ever be able to operate again. Everything is changing, Derek. So, tell me. How do you want me to feel?"
He softly smiles over at her and takes her hand in his own and places them by his side on the bed.
They've been through so much. The secret wives, the bombs, the ferries, the vets, the nurses, the shootings, the babies. They'd only just gotten their life together properly for the first time in a very long time and then, by some twisted hand of fate, eveything had gone bad. Again.
"That's everything is going to be fine." He tells her simply, and Meredith nods after a deep breath.
Derek closes his eyes and falls into a sleep, but she stays by his bedside because she can't bare the thought of anything happening to him again while she's not around.
"You going to tell me what your dress looks like?" Ben quips, raising an eyebrow as the short woman operates on an open body.
She shakes her head, "More towels." The scrub nurse beside her passes over the objects, stuffing them into the body cavity.
"Am I going to tell you what my dress looks like? No. No, I am not, because the last time that I got married, my husband told me that he wasn't too fond of my wedding dress, so no. No. This time, it will remain a surprise. Deal with it."
Bailey frowns as her finger grazes something unfamiliar. "What the-" She digs a little deeper in the flesh, her eyes widening as she sees the foreign object in the palm of her hand when she pulls it out from hiding. "Oh."
"Mom, I'm fine."
The older woman pushes the glass of water over the wooden table, "Drink it, now."
April sighs, picking up the glass. She hates how her family is so pushy sometimes. Her father enters the kitchen, a newspaper in one hand and his old and battered copy of the Bible in the other.
"Are you reading that again?" She asks her father.
"It's important to keep to our faiths, April. If we don't read it and remind ourselves of all that life holds sometimes, we comit sins. And we don't comit sins, Sweetie." Joe leans down and kisses his daughter's head.
She licks her bottom lip and slowly nods, "I know, Daddy." She tries to keep a straight face, to keep from fraying. They can't know, it'd be the worst thing in the world if they knew, if they found out.
She knows that they will eventually, she'll have to tell them. Or her father will sense it or something.
It's why she left, for her moral sake.
She can't be in the same place as Jackson everyday without wanting to do very bad things and comit those sins that she was taught were disrespectful to God and to yourself.
But she doesn't understand those things, she doesn't understand how they wanted her to feel dirty and ashamed because she didn't, at least not entirely. If anything, she felt the completely opposite.
She felt good, really really good, and she wasn't ashamed of that. She wasn't disgusted with herself at the fact that she wanted him in every which way possible. She wasn't afraid to admit that it was the best thing she'd ever felt in her life.
April was just scared to face the fact that she wasn't a virgin anymore and that God may hate her for it, that her family may hate her for it.
So, yeah, she doesn't want them to ever know, because that would be the worst thing ever.
And, for now, the Tasty Freez would just have to do because she couldn't go back and face him, and do all of those things that were considered impur, dirty, and sinful.
No matter how much she wanted to.
"Oh, Mark." Callie sighs, resting a hand on her best friend's leg as he sleeps. He'd been given a high dose of morphine after his surgery and she remained by his bedside while her wife lays at home, getting her rest.
If she lost either one of them, she really didn't know what she would do.
A tear slips past her eye and slides down her cheek as she thinks about Sofia.
"She's been crying, Mark. She's been crying for you. She wants her daddy. She wants you to come home soon, so you have to be okay. Okay?" She asks in the silence to herself, clasping her hands together over his leg.
"Come home with us, we need you. Come home, please." She closes her eyes after whispering the teary words and silently prays.
She prays for Arizona. She needs for her wife to be okay, to be in good health when she goes home tonight. Over the past couple of months, she's had many surgeries and she seems to be healing ok. She reminds herself that it was only because of protocol that she couldn't operate on her wife herself.
She prays for Lexie. The girl was amazing, and smart, and beautiful, and she can't begin to imagine the pain that Mark must be feeling. She figures that it's pretty similar to what she'd feel if it was Arizona that had been crushed under the plane, who had died in her arms. It must be terrifying, it must be truly horrific to lay there dying. And to know that you're dying, and what you're dying of, can only be prays for the young woman, cursing words at how unfair it is that someone so young and aspiring could be taken away so early. It only reminds of George, and she prays for him, too. She prays for him all of the time, because she knows that, up there, he can hear her. And now Lexie can, too.
She prays for Mark. He's doesn't deserve this. He's just lost the love of his life, and he's in the worst condition than any of them. His heart is a mess and she can't do a thing to help. It pains her, physically and emotionally, to wonder what he's going through. But he's not alone, he's not because she's there, and Sofia is there and everybody is there, wishing that he makes it. She needs him, back, she needs him home. She doesn't want to imagine what her life would be like without him, without her best friend, without the father of her child. She doesn't want to imagine Sofia growing up without a father.
So, she prays.
"What are you reading?" Her mother asks and the redhead lifts her head from her book. The woman frowns when she sees what her daughter's reading, some medical encyclopaedia by the look of it. "Really, April, studying?"
"Yes, because I failed my boards and I don't plan on doing it again." She really doesn't want to get into the whole discussion about those two days. Because it entails a lot of information that she doesn't want anybody to know about.
She rolls her eyes, ""D'you want a cookie?"
"No, thanks."
"You're different, you seem... different." Her mother, Karen, analyses and April quickly avoids her gaze, drifting her attention back down her book. "You're not as chirpy and annoyingly sunny as usual."
"I've just-" She starts, carefully choosing her words, "I've just changed, that's all. It's that a good thing?"
"Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? Is it a boy? Not a another trauma, right? April, honey, speak to me."
Her eyes are suddenly wider and she bites her bottom lip. "I- I, uh-"
"I knew it! Tell me, now." Her mother demands, slapping her hand down on the table. "What is it? Who is it?"
"It's just- a friend." She nods her head with confidence, "Yeah, it's just a really good friend."
Karen squints, "And that means what, exactly?"
"Nothing really. Just, drop it. Please."
She contemplates for a second, watching the way her daughter's face changes, "You know that you can tell me anything, right?"
Like how I had pre-marital sex and you'd probably burn me at the stake for it? Right.
"Yes, I know." She gets up suddenly, walking over to the sink and washing her glass.
"So, have you stayed in touch with any of your friends from the hospital?" She changes the conversation and April thanks her stars.
Meredith's been keeping her informed about everything that's happening and Cristina had called a few times, so tease her about Ohio and how she should move back to Seattle because it probably misses her. She's drifted away from Alex; he left for Hopkins.
And Jackson, she's avoided his phone calls and ignored his text messages. She can't bare to read or hear them because she knows that she hurt him. He didn't leave because he didn't want to hurt her and leave her alone there, but that's exactly what she did. She left him, she left him confused about what they were because they'd never properly spoken about it, and she knows that that's by her own accord, that it's her fault.
"Yeah, a couple."
"What about that friend of yours? He was with you at Mercy West?"
Her breath catches and she hopes that her mother doesn't notice. Great. "Not really."
"And why not, he was a nice boy?"
"We, uh- I kind of hurt his feelings." She swallows a deep breath at the way her mother is staring at her, clearly urging her to continue, "I don't want to talk about it."
"An engagement ring?" Callie shrieks, before taking a sip of her drink, "Are you serious?'
Bailey nods, "In the guy's intestines. I do not understand some people, what makes a person swallow a ring..."
Callie shakes her head, "So, how's the wedding planning going?"
"Do I look like I plan weddings, to you? I have my dress, I'm picking the cake, that's all. I've done it before, the planning is useless. You get your hopes up for the perfect day, you get dressed and do your hair and make-up all magical and fairytale like and you make sure everything is just the way you want it. Your dress is ready, your groom is ready, your freaking hair is ready. And then you get divorced!" She stops abruptly, staring Callie in the eye, "I am not planning another wedding."
Someone quickly rushes over to her, slipping into the seat to her right, "Avery, what are-"
Jackson cuts her off, "You might need to find somebody else to scrub in on that gall bladder removal tonight. I have to leave in, like, 20 minutes." He checks his watch and nods before smiling up at her.
She frowns, "Would you care to tell me why?"
"It's a personal matter, I spoke to Hunt though so it's okay. Thanks." He pats her on the shoulder and winks at her as he walks away.
She shakes her head and Callie laughs,
"He's like a mini Sloan. Damn you, Plastics Posse."
"How are we feeling today?" Hunt asks as he walks into Derek's room, sending the couple a smile.
Meredith stands up, "I'm going to go check on Zola." Her husband nods and she leaves the room, sending Hunt a brief glance.
Sheperd turns his attention to his friend, "You tell me." Hunt steps forward, and unwraps the cloth around Derek's hand. It's still visibly damaged but it's healing nicely, "You think I can operate again any time soon?"
"We'll have to let time take care of that one. But I gotta say, that was a smart trauma move. If you hadn't of bludgeoned your hand out of that plan, it would have been an amputation."
Derek nods, sighing a breath, "You speak to Cristina?"
"We haven't- She hasn't called and I'm guessing that she doesn't want me to either. So, I'm giving it time. Has Meredith-?"
"Oh, every day. I'm surprised the phone's not glued to her ear." He chuckles, "It's funny, I never really thought of either one of them as phone people."
Hunt nods, "Yeah, they're more the mind-reading kind of thing. Like twins."
"Dark and twisty."
"That's it. Dark and twisty."
Derek quickly turns his attention to Avery as he slides past the door, almost falling over himself as he makes his towards the elevators.
"What's up with him?"
Owen grins, "He's... got somewhere to be."
He has four hours.
Four short hours to make up his words, to decide on his apology.
And he can't screw it up this time.
"Mr. Saunders, I'd like to inform you that we successfully removed the ring that was in your stomach. Do you have any idea how it got there or-?"
The young man cuts her off, "A ring? Are you serious? How the- Who the hell put a ring in there?"
Bailey scrunches her face, she's guessing that he's not the one who did it. At least, not on purpose.
"I've never even been married. And my girlfriend, yeah, she keep pressuring me but- A ring?"
"I will leave you to ponder." She scribbles something on his chart before placing it at the end of his bed and leaving the room, suddenly being pulled to the side by her fiancee. "Uh, hi." Ben leans down and kisses, resting a hand behind her head on the wall. She swats a hand across his chest, batting him away. "What are you doing? How many times have I told you? There are people here, my people. I can't be doing this in public. Maybe in the privacy of our own home, sure, but not-"
"Okay, okay, fine." He holds his hands up and smirks, "I just wanted to tell you that I think I know where the ring came from."
She suddenly perks her head up and raises an eyebrow curiously, "I'm listening."
He shakes his head, "Oh no, you gotta let me kiss you first."
"Oh, fine."
The doorbell rings at around six o'clock and the noise interrupts her family dinner. Her father keeps his hands held tight together as he prays, ignoring the door, and her mother tilts her head towards it, mouthing a small 'go and hurry' to April to quietly stands form the table. She wraps her cardigan closer to her body and unbolts the front door, opening it to find someone that she wasn't expecting to see for a while.
"Hi."
Great.
April gulps, her eyes wide, "What are you doing here?" She asks, gently closing the front door behind her as she steps outside, joining him in the warm evening air.
He falters for a second before answering, "I came to get you back." Noticing the look on her face, he quickly adjusts his words, "Not, like that. Not, like, for me, or anything. But for the hospital. For Seattle Grace. Hunt agreed to hire you back, he found room in the budget. I mean, yeah, he had to cut down my pay-check by quite a bit, but that's fine, it was my idea."
"Wait, what?" She's utterly confused. She pictured her day going completely differently. She never expected to see him on her doorstep, back home, at her parent's house. And certainly not when her father was saying Grace. Oh, great. And she was back to the religious beliefs versus sexual cravings.
"I just- I need you there, April. I can't do it, when you're not there. It's not the same. I know you were fired before but I still had the others then. And, yeah, Meredith's great and so is everyone else but I can't do it if you're not there. I need you there. I need you with me."
"Jackson,"
"No, let me finish. I'm leaving, like, right now, so I literally came here to say all of this. So, please, come back with me." He hands out a plane ticket. It's booked for Seattle and leaves in forty five minutes.
She eyes the paper carefully, wondering if he's actually being serious about this whole thing. "This is insane."
"I know." He smiles and she kind of melts inside. "I know that but I'm kind of insane, in some way, and you are as well, so come back and we can be insane together. Look, it doesn't even have to be a big deal, we don't have to, like, live together again or anything if you don't want. We can just forget about everything that happened. Okay? We can pretend that those two amazing... times... never happened. We can pretend that I never told you that I loved you, I can do that. I can pretend. I can pretend, if it means that you'll come back."
"Jackson," She's kind of growing frustrated at the fact that he won't give her time to talk.
"Come back, because I can't make it without you."
She takes the ticket from his hand, a smile irrupting on her face and he copies the action slowly.
"I'll meet you there."
She gave him false hope.
She told him that she'd come. She told him that she'd meet him there. Now, here he is, boarding a flight alone back to his home, his now practically empty apartment in Seattle.
She broke him, again.
"She what?"
"I just talked to her and she said that she put the ring in his dessert a couple of weeks ago. She was going to propose, apparently."
Callie gasped beside them, "I don't know whether to be disgusted that he swallowed it or adoring at how romantic that is."
Bailey shrugs her off, "It's stupid, is what it is. They are foolish people, they're moronic. It's not romantic that he could have died form metal poisoning, it's not romantic that he could have choked on a dessert that clearly tasted so good that he ate it without noticing the god-damn thing."
"Wow, good luck marrying that." Ben chuckles and Callie walks away, a grin on her face as she sets off to see Mark.
"Don't you look at me like that, I'm not baking you no stupid cake!"
Jackson grabs a coffee in the resident's room. He landed back home six hours ago. He wishes so much that he hadn't gone, hadn't gotten his hopes when she'd took the ticket. But he had, and now, they'd been crushed.
Part of him hopes that she caught the flight, that she was waiting nearby to surprise him and come back to their apartment but he realized how foolish and stupid that seemed.
He's been that guy before. The guy that waits around. He was the guy that was waiting for the girl who was in love with somebody else. Now, he was just the guy that girl didn't love back.
He sets the cup down in the sink and runs a hand over his face. He'll wash it tomorrow.
His shift ended so he heads back home, taking his time on his way there because nobody's waiting for him and it's a quiet place that isn't going to miss him. He almost wishes that Alex hadn't left either, they were just starting to get along, and the guy would have been alright company for his loneliness.
The car's in the parking lot and he makes his way to the elevator, resting his back against the wall as the doors close.
He's so foolish.
It opens again and he steps out, rummaging through his pocket for his key. The sight before him almost makes him take a double glance.
April slowly stands up, biting her bottom lip as she rests her hands on the suitcases beside her.
"I missed the flight." She tells him, "I couldn't pack fast enough, and I'm not even being funny when I say that, but I couldn't. My dad didn't know what was going on, and my mother was just all over my case about what the hell I was doing and I- I couldn't pack fast enough." She swallows, "I missed the flight, so please don't believe that I didn't try to come back when you wanted me to."
She kind of hates herself for crying, again, but the tears fall and she can't do a thing to stop them.
"I tried, I really- I really tried, Jackson. I did. I tried moving away, I tried going back to what I knew and what I used to want, I tried staying away from you because I thought that it'd make things easier. But it didn't. It didn't, it only made things harder. I couldn't stop thinking about you, about this, about us, about stuff." She slightly blushes as her mind reels, "I mean I really had to try because I'm a freaking pastor's daughter for crying out loud, they would have had sent me to some Jesus camp or something, or tied me to the church, but I still- I couldn't stop." She steps closer to him, taking a his silence as a good thing, "I couldn't stop thinking about you, and what you said, and what you did, and what we did. Because I kind of want to tell you that I feel the same way. And I kind of want to tell you that I want to do it again."
His hand slips behind her, unlocking the door and he pushes it open. He kicks her baggages inside, and she doesn't care if anything gets damaged.
"Are you coming in, or what?" He smirks, and she bites her lip, slowly entering the apartment, their apartment, after him.
"You want to help me unpack?" She asks, slamming the door shut behind her and sliding the lock in.
He shakes his head, pulling her towards him, "Nope."