Title: The way a father should love his daughter

RATING: G

AUTHOR: Crimson Regret 177

EMAIL:

CATEGORY: Angst

SERIES: Pre Season 1

DISCLAIMERS: Star gate isn't mine ::sob sob:: it belongs to those

fabulous people at MGM, Gekko Corp, blah, blah, blah. I'm not making any money from this, if I was, it wouldn't be on would it, it would be in a book shop somewhere, making me lovely ££. The song isn't mine either, it's called Zoë Jane by Staind.

A/N: Just a little fic I thought up while listening to this song. I realize Sam isn't called Zoë Jane, which is the title of the song, but apart from that I think the lyrics fit quite well.

The way a father should love his daughter

She hasn't been the same, since her mother died. Such a cliché, he knows, but it's true. Where her eyes used to sparkle with laughter, they're replaced by a dull, listless stare that hurts him more than any wound he's gained in the air force. Where her face used to come alight when he asked her about school, it's been replaced by a one or two word answer, and then a fixed gaze in the same dull, listless eyes. Where she used to laugh and smile, is left with no laughter, and a short, fake smile when she thinks it's appropriate.

However much a cliché it is, it's true, she has changed. She was always her father's daughter, always his special girl. She went to him when she had something good to tell him, usually another school commendation. She went to him the first time her heart was broken. He cuddled her, and told her everything would be alright, eventually. She believed him. She always trusted her dad – why would she ever have a reason not to?

She isn't a daddy's girl anymore. She doesn't believe him when he tells her he'll make everything OK. Because for the first time, she realizes he can't. He couldn't bring her mother back. It was his fault she went away. She doesn't trust him anymore. It isn't the same. It never will be

Well I want you to notice

To notice when I'm not around

And I know that your eyes see straight through me

And speak to me without a sound

She has always forgiven him before, when he didn't turn up for important things. Always insisted it didn't matter, that she understands his job comes with commitments, and it would be childish to get upset. Her brother always told him exactly what he thought when he didn't turn up for his football game, or whatever it happened to be. But she had always smiled, said it was OK. Said she missed him when he went on long missions, but she knew that he had to go. And she never complained, when he missed awards ceremonies, science competitions, whatever. But she minded that he was late this time.

It used to break his heart when he had to leave her. Always knowing, that this might be the last time he ever walked out the door. She knew it too, from an early age. She had never said anything, but there was a look of recognition in her eyes that told him she knew each time that he might not come back. But she never minded.

When I walked out this morning

I cried as I walked to the door

I cried about how long I'd be away for

I cried about leaving you all alone

And now, she doesn't talk to him anymore. She doesn't talk to anyone. She simply gets home from school, goes to her room, and stays there, until it's time to go to school. He leaves her dinner outside her bedroom door, and goes back an hour later to find it untouched. She'll come down next morning to go to school; he'll ask if she's OK. She'll say she's fine. They both know it's a lie, but if he confronts her, he'll have to admit there's a problem. And he might have to acknowledge how much he misses his wife. He might have to finally admit, that she's gone. Something he refuses to do.

Not even to his own daughter. Not even if his feelings for her make him want to put his arms round her and make all the trouble go away. Even if it means taking on all the pain she's feeling himself, it would be worth it. Just to see her stop hurting. He wants to tell her loves her, and that every thing will be alright. But how can he tell her it will be alright? How can he make her believe it when he doesn't believe it himself?

I want to hold you

Protect you from all of the things I've already endured

I want to show you

Show you all the things that this life has in store for you

I'll always love you

The way that a father should love his daughter

She comes through the door now. He asks her how school was. She says fine. She smiles the fake smile, avoids his gaze with those dull eyes, and heads for her room. Is this the way it's going to be from now on? Is she never going to speak to him again?

"Sam" He says suddenly, surprising even himself. He's really going to do it this time. He's really going to talk to her. "Talk to me"

"About what dad?" She says flatly, and turns to leave.

"Anything. School, friends, boyfriends whatever. Just talk to me. Please".

"Schools fine. My friends are fine, and I don't have a boyfriend at the moment. Now is that's all dad?" She didn't even turn around. She said all of this with her back to him. It would be so easy now, to let her walk away.

He's screaming at himself to let her walk away, telling himself that he can't face talking about his wife, that it's too painful. But then another part of himself reminds him how much it kills him to see his daughter in pain, and that he'll do anything to make her better. Even if it means torturing himself by reminding him that it's all his fault. Everything's his fault.

"No that isn't all. Sam sit down. Talk to me... about your mother" She visibly flinches, and looks down at the floor. She turns around for the first time.

"What do you want me to say dad? I've already said everything important".

"Just talk to me Sam. Shout, scream, anything. Tell me how you feel"

"I tried to tell you how I feel, remember? But you pushed me away"

"I know I did, and I'm sorry. I couldn't face it at the time. But I'm ready to talk now"

"Oh now you're ready? Oh well that OK then. I needed to talk to you dad, when it happened, but you wouldn't. I needed my dad, and you weren't there. I already lost my mom, and I felt like I was losing my dad as well" The tears start to fall slowly now, and I forget all about the pain that I'm feeling, and wrap my arms around her. She clings on to me desperately, and for the first time I realize just how much she's needed me.

"I missed her, so much. I didn't blame you, it wasn't your fault. All I wanted was my dad. That's all I needed. But you weren't there, and I thought you didn't care about me anymore"

"Oh Sam, I never stopped caring about you. I never will. But I miss her too. And it hurt so much when she died, and I blamed myself so much, that I couldn't bring myself to talk about her. As long as we didn't talk about her, I could pretend it wasn't happening, that it was all just a horrible dream. But I never stopped loving you Sam. I mean that. No matter what happens, you'll always be my daughter, and I'll always love you"

She sobs in to his chest. It's not quite the same as it was; he doubts it ever will be. But it's getting better. It's going to be OK. Because he loves his daughter, and he won't let her slip away. Eventually, he'll forgive himself. She won't ever be the same person that she was, but she'll always love her dad. So eventually, they'll be OK.

So I wanted to say this

Cos I wouldn't know where to begin

To explain to you what I have been through

To explain where your daddy has been

FIN