Description: AUish James Tiberius Kirk had been hurt too much in his life. He was hurt by everyone he ever loves so he promised himself that he would never love again. He took himself down a dangerous part and then a chance meeting with one Christoper Pike changed everything. Jim joined starfleet Academy and met Professor Spock, a half human Vulcan who made him feel things he swore never to feel. What happens when at the advice of the annoying Bones (who Jim thinks of as a friend against his better judgement) Jim decides to let one more person in. Is love worth it or would a relationship with Spock turn out to be a complete disaster like he expects. Cause nothing ever goes right in Jim's life so why would it start now. (I'm still bad at summaries)

Pairings: Jim/Spock

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just the storyline that I'm making up as I go along and the plot bunnies that help me do so.

Notes: This is my first fanfiction so be kind. I'm open to criticism but only constructive please. No unnecessary bad comments please. Read and review. I hope it does not suck.

Prologue

Stardate 2233.04

She hated him. With every fiber of her being Winona Kirk hated her new born son. She couldn't even hold him, handing him over immediately to the attending nurse as soon as she lost communication with her husband. George. Her George. Gone. She was alone, something that she vowed she would never experience. She lost her husband. Her precious son, Geroge Samuel Kirk, who everyone called Sam, had lost his father and she couldn't help but blame the screaming child that the nurse was trying to clam down.

If it wasn't for the fact that she was pregnant she would've died beside her husband and she wouldn't be left to raise Sam all by herself. George would've never forced her off the ship if it was just her. She would've been beside him, hand in hand, as the Kelvin headed to its fiery doom. They would've been together in death as promised when vows were said. Instead her husband had choosen to save the life of his unborn child. He would never sacrifice one so young and in some way Winona understood. She just couldn't bring herself to care. Fact was, if James had never been conceived she would've been with her husband. It was James' fault she was alone. It was his fault that she now felt pain beyond belief. It was his fault that she now had to tell Sam that his father was gone.

She hated him. She would never stop hating him.

Stardate 2243.224

"Get back here you bastard!"

Jim ignored Frank's yells and just drove faster. The red antique Corvette belonged to his dad. His real dad and not the poor imitation Winona married. If she couldn't have George why not marry the brother, Frank. Sam had left that morning, for good. Ran away and left a note telling his little brother that he had to go. Couldn't take it anymore so he left his ten year old brother alone with a psychopath instead. Said psychopath hadn't realized Sam was missing as yet and as soon as he did Jim knew it wouldn't be pretty. Sam knew that too, yet he still left. So much for brotherly love. To make an already shitty day worse Jim overheard Frank talking about selling his dad's car. There was no way in holy hell that Jim was going to let Frank gain anymore off of what was once his dad's. He'd rather die first.

In fact, with the speed he was driving at it looked like quite a possibility. He had no idea where he was going but he knew it had to be far away. On his way to his non destination he passed the only bus stop in this remote part of Iowa and saw Sam just as he was about to step on a bus.

"Bye Asshole!" he yelled as he zoomed pass not even waiting for a response from his brother. If Sam really cared he wouldn't be leaving but he was. If Sam didn't care then he wouldn't either. He drove and drove, trying to think of the best way to prevent Frank from selling the car. The only thing that came to Jim's mind was that Frank couldn't sell the car if there wasn't any car to sell.

Changing direction quickly, Jim headed towards the edge of Iowa. It had a row of cliffs there. A perfect place to dump a car. Feeling the wind in his hair and adrenaline pumping through his veins he mashed the gas. Going at a speed that he really shouldn't he headed straight towards the cliff. For a moment Jim thought that life would be better if he went over with the car. He wouldn't have to face what Frank would do to him when he got home. Wouldn't have to face the fact that Sam left. Wouldn't have to face the fact that his mother didn't love him. For a moment, suicide seemed like a very good option but then he thought of his dad. Of all the stories he heard about George Kirk's bravery and what an insult it would be to his father's memory to die in such a manner.

Out of respect for a man he never met at the last moment Jim jumped out of the car as it flew off the cliff. As he hung off the edge struggling to pull himself up he smiled.

Let Frank sell the car now.

Stardate 2246.23

Where was Frank when you need him. You know they always say be grateful for the life you have because somewhere out there someone has it worse. Jim always thought what could be worse that a man who beats you every morning and evening like clockwork? What could be worse than being locked in a freezer every time Frank goes out to get a drink so he could know where Jim was at all times? What could be worse than being locked in your room every weekend with no food, water or bathroom and being forced to starve until Monday when Frank let him out? What could be freaking worse than all of that?

Fucking Tarsus IV, that's what.

He wanted to leave Frank but he couldn't bring himself to run away. Not like Sam did. Jim wasn't a coward. So instead he asked his mom if he could spend a few months in space with her. The federation had just passed a law stating that once you go through proper channels parents could have their kids aboard the starships with them. Jim barely saw his mother and thought it would be a good way to spend time with her. She would work, he would get away from Frank and they would be in the same area for once. Jim would also get to see the stars which always fascinated him. It was wins all around.

Except Winona didn't want her son anywhere near her. However, if the damn kid wanted to leave earth he could but not with her. Instead of applying for Jim to be on board she told her son that her application was denied. She would send him to stay with his uncle and aunt on Tarsus IV.

Jim was a little disappointed that he wouldn't be able to spend time with his mother but his Aunt Jane and Uncle Mike were cool. So were his three cousins. Jim could actually find himself liking here. Then the fungus hit and the famine. A lot of people began to die from starvation and if that wasn't bad enough the Governor, Kodos, decided that killing half the planet's population was the only way to deal with the catastrope. Jim's aunt and uncle and two of his cousins were one of the first to go. And he would've been next if he didn't grab his baby cousin Kevin, the only one of them not in cuffs, and ran.

Jim ran holding the crying child until he couldn't run anymore. Over the next few days he met up with seven other kids and they stuck together. Even though he was only thirteen, as the oldest of the group Jim took it upon himself to ensure that the other kids were safe and protected. He would do anything for those he had come to see as his children. He would go out and gather just enough food so that they could survive, resorting to whatever was requested as payment.

It was the worse two months of Jim's short life. Those who just wanted to beat him up a bit were welcomed. Jim was accustomed to being beaten and he could take it but there were those who wanted more. Who, even though he was just thirteen took it upon themselves to steal his innocence and Jim went along with it. He didn't fight or scream. He took it all. Whatever it took so his kids would be fed.

Jim had long stop counting the days when relief had come. Him and his eight kids were the only ones that were rescued. He and his eight kids were the only ones who knew what Kodos looked like. They were know as the Tarsus 9 and was told never to tell a soul what happened. The federation took away his kids and sent him back to Frank. Winona didn't even call.

At first Jim was happy to be back home. Then Frank started beating him again and it was even worse than before. Jim thought he had learned his lesson but he obviously hadn't. He wished he was still on Tarsus IV. Wished he was one of those that died in the massacre. Then he thought of his kids and how they wouldn't be alive if he had died. Maybe he should have ended it when they were rescued and not give the healer chance to fix his physical scars.

Maybe he deserved the beatings that Frank gave if he could possibly have such selfish thoughts.

Stardate 2251.195

Jim still had hope. Yes his mother was hardly ever around, his brother left him when he was ten and Frank abuses him every which way possible but he still had hope. Hope that he would one day have a better life. That one day all this pain would've worth something. That one day he'd become more than 'Gerorge Kirk's son' or that 'poor boy' who lost his father. He'd make something of himself.

Jim focused in school and did everything he could to ace all his classes, which he did. He was given a chance to skip a grade if he wanted to but he denied because he actually liked school. He was going through his senior year as a formality when in fact he had already started college courses.

The abuse from Frank had gotten worse since Jim had returned from the place we don't speak of. The weekly beatings turned daily then turned to every time Frank saw him. That soon turned into rape at the hands on Frank and whoever he had sold Jim to that day but it was okay. Jim had a girlfriend who he loved, he had school and his mother was safe. That's all he needed. He was okay with everyone thinking that he had a happy life. He wasn't one to advertise his pain. He could suffer in silence.

Jim wished his mother would be around more often but if she was she might fall to Frank's abuse of which she was blissfully unaware. Jim would protect his mother from that like she would protect him if she knew. They loved each other.

At least that's what he thought before his world completely shattered. He caught his girlfriend of two years cheating on him with his supposed best friend. That was enough to shatter Jim completely. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to talk to someone. He called his mother and for the first time in his life spoke about everything.

He told her how much he missed her and Sam. He told her about Tarsus IV and what he went through and now he wasn't even allowed to call his kids and how much he missed them. He told her about Frank and the abuse and rape. He told her about his ex and school. He told her everything in his heart. Jim didn't know what he was expecting but it wasn't his mother laughing at him. It wasn't her telling him not to miss her cause she never loved him. That he was the reason she lost George and had to marry Frank. He definitely didn't expect her to tell him she knew about the rape at Frank's hands. That she knew all along and that she didn't care. That she didn't love him and that love broke people and he was a foolish child to feel such a sentiment. He didn't expect her to tell him to never call her again and to laugh at the tears that streamed down his face while she called him a weak little bitch and that it was his fault bad things happened to him. He deserved everything that had happened in his life and more. Even after hearing the words it hurt that his own mother hung up on him.

At least Jim knew now. He wasn't loved. He would never be loved. He would never love because all that came out of it was pain and suffering.

Love was for the weak and James Tiberius Kirk would never be weak again.

Notes: So that be a sort of introduction. Thank you for taking the time to read. I will update as soon as I could. The plot bunnies are hopping. Until then live life, laugh at nonsense, kiss a rhino and just be yourself.