A/N: This came to me whilst I was listening to Adele's Chasing Pavements. It didn't quite turn out the way I'd originally planned but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Reviews are always appreciated :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing; Casualty belongs to the BBC and the lyrics are from Chasing Pavements by Adele. No copyright infringement intended.

Chasing Pavements

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements,
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place,
Should I leave it there.

Marriage [mar-riage] noun.

1 a (1): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband and wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.

Technically she could still call herself a married woman in that she nor Dylan had never initiated divorce proceedings. They were still married. At least in the eyes of the law. That was something no-one could take away from her aside from the man himself.

The day they'd tied the knot had been in the summer – late summer bordering on early autumn in fact. It had been a beautiful but simple ceremony – neither of them had wanted lots of fuss or anything extravagant. They were happy with a registry office with a couple of close friends and the odd family member from Dylan's side.

Everything had been on their side that day and as such it had all gone smoothly. Even though the days leading up to the wedding had been awful, weather wise it seemed that on the actual day, the weather had decided to play ball with them. As they had left the registry office, the sun had peeked out from under the clouds, casting a warm glow over the rest of their day. The raindrops had sparkled in the sun, making it all seem just that little bit more magical.

They hadn't done much in the way of a reception nor partied hard. Neither of them had ever been party animals and she doubted that either of them ever would be. It had been a lovely day all round and Sam had naively believed that it would be forever. That they would honour the vows that they had pledged to each other and they would have their fairytale happy ever after.

Except, eventually it hadn't worked out that way. She'd been the one to break the vows she'd made to him and even though it was a complete mistake on her part – it hadn't been intentional - it had been enough to rip apart an already disintegrating marriage.

No matter how strong she'd thought her bond with Dylan had been, it hadn't been enough to save her marriage. They'd begun experiencing difficulties after the honeymoon period had passed. Six months down the line and they were snapping at each other or just not speaking. Dylan had withdrawn into himself and Sam, well she had begun hitting out verbally at anyone who just happened to be in the vicinity.

Eight months later and Sam was off back to Afghanistan for her second tour of duty. By then they weren't communicating whatsoever and Sam had thought that time apart would do them both good. She hadn't set out to cheat on him but after a particularly gruelling – emotionally and physically – day, she had found herself breaking those vows they'd said to each other a tender eight months ago.

The six months tour of duty she was on brought her marriage up to a grand total of fourteen months with six of those being spent away from her husband. She had told him in a letter home, the paper stained with the tears of guilt and shame that had fallen, exactly what had happened between her and a colleague. She felt that he had to know so that when she got back they could start afresh with no secrets, no nothing. That had been the plan anyway.

When she'd arrived home, it had been to an empty house that was devoid of any of Dylan's belongings. The only sign that he had ever lived there had been the simple gold band that sat next to a letter addressed to her. His wedding ring. She had cried for what seemed like forever that day, all the emotions that had built up during the last fourteen months finally being released. She had lost him and that final nail in the coffin so to speak had been her stupid, five minute fling.

She had got herself through her leave but as soon as it was up, she had gone back to Afghanistan gratefully, reburying the memories and pretending everything was ok. She'd changed her surname which had led to some questions but she'd fielded them pretty well or so she'd thought. She just hadn't been able to bear the thought of hearing his surname every day when he wasn't at home to go back to.

She had struggled through that tour, even she would admit that, and as soon as it was over the Army had decided to second her for a while so she could sort her head out rather than risk having her back in Afghanistan. They'd given her two options – go to a Military hospital or an NHS hospital. She'd opted for the NHS hospital, wanting to get as far away from the Army as was physically possible whilst she began to pick up the shattered pieces that Dylan's disappearance had created and begin the process of forging a new life for herself.

When she'd arrived in Holby some months ago, she hadn't expected to see Dylan working there. Part of her had considered phoning up the officer that was dealing with her secondment and beg to be transferred to a military hospital. She hadn't, instead she'd stayed, relishing the opportunity to be close to Dylan again.
Once she'd gotten over the initial surprise at seeing her estranged husband again, she found that they soon fell with practised ease back into their previous seamless way of working. Professionally, they had always made a good team and Sam found herself thinking that it was a shame they hadn't been able to apply the same attributes that made them so good as a medical team to their personal lives.

Separation [sep-a-ra-tion] noun.

1: the act of or process of separating: the state of being separated.

Although they had never divorced, they were still separated. Although perhaps estranged would be a more appropriate term seeing as Dylan hadn't actually ever told her that it was over; he'd just disappeared into thin air, leaving behind a note that really didn't contain any answers.

Sam had never started divorce proceedings, clinging on to the small fragment of hope she had left in her heart that perhaps one day, they could work it out. Dylan had never initiated divorce proceedings either which had done nothing other than intensified that feeling of hope she felt.

Whilst she'd been in Afghanistan during her last tour, she had hoped that the lack of divorce proceedings meant that Dylan wasn't ready to close the book on their particular chapter yet. She knew that once he did, her heart would break all over again and that there was no return from divorce, not really. He didn't. He still hadn't. Part of her dared to hope that his actions, or lack of them when it came to the divorce, meant that he still had feelings for her. Otherwise, he would have started divorce proceedings, wouldn't he?

There was no doubt in her mind that if he ever wanted to start the proceedings to end their marriage officially then she wouldn't stand in his way. She would agree to it, in the hope that it would be quick and amicable and the pain that she would feel at losing him wouldn't linger for too long. She hoped that, god forbid, it ever came to this then they would still be able to remain as friends. She wasn't quite sure what she'd do if she lost him as a friend as well as a husband. No matter what had happened between them in their short but sweet, at times, spell of being together, she still wanted him to be happy. If that wasn't with her, then so be it.

For the first few months of her working in Holby, they'd managed to keep the one secret that bound them together between them and if it hadn't been for the fire that ravaged the E.D before Christmas, Sam was sure that it would still be under wraps now.

The look on his face when she'd blurted out that the whole E.D knew about them being married in front of Zoe had been a sharp stab to the heart. There were obviously reasons that he'd never told his colleagues about being married, aside from the fact he was a painfully private person by nature, and it had become apparent to her then that Zoe was one of them.

She was sure that Dylan and Zoe's blossoming friendship that was verging on being something more than just friends had been right under her nose the entire time she'd been working there yet it had taken a fire to tell her what she had hoped would never happen. She was losing him to someone who was much better suited to him than she ever was, or so she thought. Zoe who was perfect for him in so many ways. No matter how desperately she wanted to see him happy or how perfect she thought Zoe was for him, the fact that he seemed to choose Zoe over her did sting and cause jealousy to flare up every time she saw them go within ten feet of each other. She supposed it was natural but she hated herself for it. If she hadn't cheated on him, then perhaps things would be different now.

It had been a funny thing, their relationship, she thought as she swiftly moved her thoughts away from the ever increasing possibility of her husband and Zoe. Lots of people had frowned on it because of the age gap but she could honestly say that she'd never felt like that before she'd met Dylan. Although he was grumpy, sarcastic and far too blunt for his own good most of the time, she knew from experience that his other side, his softer side was a lot warmer, a lot kinder than the grumpy, indifferent façade he put up whilst he was at work and if she was honest, whilst he was around people in general. Except when they'd been alone together and now Zoe probably experienced this other side of him.

Reflection [re-flec-tion] noun.

3: a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.

After some long, careful consideration, Sam eventually conceded that she was absolutely drained. Travelling back to the good times, reliving the bad times again had sucked the remaining bit of energy she had left out of her. The range of emotions she'd felt as she thought about it all again: happiness, sadness, jealousy, and lots more that she just couldn't put her finger on had been more than exhausting and she wasn't about to put herself through that again, any time soon.

The one good thing that had come out of this emotional journey down memory lane was that she had finally come to a decision regarding her marriage...well her non-existent marriage. She knew now that it was unlikely anything could be resolved between them, she had hurt him too much for that. There was one thing that she could do for him now and that was to let him go officially. That way he was free to make his own decision and although it would hurt her more than words could describe to see him with someone else, it would be worth it if he was happy. She would feel a lot better about the way things had turned out then.

She knew that she would have to talk to him but she wasn't going to leave any room for debate. Their marriage had to be ended officially for them to be able to have any sort of closure. No doubt, he'd think that she had someone else but she didn't. She was doing this for him, not for her, no matter how painful it initially was. At least this way, there was a chance that she could salvage some of her friendship and that was now the only thing that mattered to her. Her marriage couldn't be fixed or even saved but maybe, just maybe her friendship with her husband could.