"I will not take 'No' for a fucking answer Wilde. Either you go see the shrink today or you are on unpaid leave until you get your head out of your ass. This is an order, not a suggestion." Bogo's voice boomed through the entire precinct from his office thanks to his frustration with a certain fox that sat across his desk.
To be fair, after an incident while on patrol earlier in the week, Nick had all but withdrawn into himself, he either shrugged off any probing to see if he was okay or he would outright disappear for hours at a time, mentioning something about wanting to be alone. It finally had gotten to the point they were at now, with Nick seated across from Bogo with Judy right next to him.
"Chief, for the last time…I'm fine! There's no point." He said, though his attention was diverted from the angry buffalo to the little bunny next to him when he felt a small and soft paw on his arm. He felt his façade that he put on start to melt away under the gaze of her lovely violet eyes, which always seemed to be able to stare right through any wall he could put up.
"Nick…please…" she said softly, her eyes showing him how concerned she was. "Please, what happened…you need to talk about it…it'll eat you if you don't."
After what felt like an eternity to all the mammals in the room, he finally let out a low sigh, "Fine…I'll go…" and without another word, he stood up and stormed out of the office, ears folded back as the door slammed shut behind him, which left both Bogo and Judy somewhat shocked at the suddenness.
As he walked down the stairs to the main atrium, he found himself unable to force that cocky smirk back onto his face and instead shoved his paws into his pockets and kept his head down. He heard the whispers of the other officers, and forced himself to act like he didn't hear them. By the time he reached the reception desk, he was certain that the universe must hate him because the inextinguishable happiness that was Clawhauser was quick to greet him in that ever so chipper voice of his.
"Hey Nick! How ya holding up?" the chubby cheetah asked with a smile.
"Why the hell are you all so worried about me? Look at me, I'm fine and you don't have to worry! Thank you Clawhauser!" Nick snapped, and started to storm off but not without feeling like he was slapped by the hurt expression on Clawhauser's face and the many surprised looks he was being thrown by everyone who had heard his outburst. He had already made his way out the door when the guilt of it started to hit him and he made a mental note to buy the cheetah a deluxe box of donuts and a Gazelle figurine to make it up to him because nobody deserved to be yelled at like that, especially not a gentle soul like Clawhauser.
Fortunately, the walk to the Psychiatrist's office was a short one, as Zootopia's Office of Mental Health was just across the square from the precinct. It's not like it was easy to miss either, the front of the building being an all glass lobby that leads into an elegantly designed brick and mortar building. Inside the building, it was obviously designed with a calming atmosphere in mind. The walls were painted a muted blue and the subtle scent of Jasmine could be made out as it was circulated into the air. At the desk was a very meek looking Opossum receptionist who greeted him with a gentle smile.
"Good afternoon Officer, do you have an appointment?" she asked with a polite voice.
Nick glanced at her name tag which read 'Amy' on it. "Yes, I'm here to see a…" he looked down at the card he was given by Bogo. "Doctor Falster, I'm Officer Wilde."
"Ah yes, Doctor Falster is expecting you, up the stairs to the second floor and he's the first office to your right. You can go right in." She replied and quickly pages the doctor to let him know that he was there.
Nick nodded and quickly jogged up the stairs and entered an impressively immaculate office. It wasn't big by any means, only a twenty by twenty room, however it had its walls paneled in a rich stained oak and the floors carpeted with a soft, khaki-colored rug. By the window that was opposite the door was a desk made of the same wood that paneled the walls and an alligator leather chair was stationed behind it. By the desk and against the wall by the window was a pair of filing cabinets and against one of the side walls was a sofa and chair that matched the desk chair. Seated in the arm chair was an aged Kudu, his muzzle already started to gray with his age. The kudu stood up and offered his hoof with a kind smile.
"Ah, Officer Wilde, it's so good to meet you. I'm Doctor Alan Falster." He said, his voice tinted with a light Danish accent.
Nick took the hoof extended to him and forced his neutral smirk on his face. "Nice to meet you doc." He says, setting himself on the sofa while Dr. Falster set himself in the armchair, a clipboard holding a notebook resting on his lap.
"Well, Officer Wilde- "
Nick held up a paw which stopped the doctor "Please doc, call me Nick."
If Falster felt any annoyance at being cut off, he didn't seem to show it and simply smiled before he continued. "Okay, Nick it is. I've been informed about what happened during the incident by Chief Bogo, but I'd like for you to tell me your version of it."
"Alright, if you insist." He said, taking a breath to try and calm himself as he suddenly realized his paws had clenched into fists. "I was out on patrol with my partner, Officer Hopps, when dispatch put out a call for a 10-31 which is a hold-up and robbery. Dispatch said the suspect was armed so we equipped our firearms in lieu of our non-lethal devices."
He watched as Falster jotted down a few notes while occasionally watching him as he spoke. When the Kudu nodded, he continued. "We arrived on scene and the suspect took a good look at us and bolted. Carrots…I mean, Officer Hopps went in the shop to check on the clerk and other patrons while I ran after the suspect. I managed to catch up to her pretty quickly, turned out she was a female wolf and they don't seem to really run fast when carrying a bag of money. She tried to throw me off her trail but I managed to corner her in an alley. I drew my firearm and pointed it at her, and told her to drop the bag and put her hands on her head." He stopped and tried to steel his breaths. He paws and shoulders trembled and he felt his mask start to crumble as he vividly relived the moment in his mind.
Falster nodded, making notes of the way he was reacting no doubt. "Take your time Nick, please continue when you're ready."
He ran a paw through the fur on his head and brushed his ears back before he continued. "She stared at me for a minute and I managed to get a good look at her. She couldn't have been more than 14 or 15, obviously a street kid. We see them all the time on patrol but they never do anything more than petty theft...not armed robbery. I…um…saw her paw twitch, like she was thinking about reaching for her weapon so I told her not to move and made sure to click the hammer back on my gun to try and scare her, b-but that's when…" he felt his breaths hitch and it started to get hard to breathe for him. He dug his claws into his legs, choking back whatever onslaught of emotion that seemed to want to break loose.
"That's when she reached for her weapon." Falster finished for him.
He could only nod in response, "So I did what we were trained to do." He said, his voice hitched in his throat as he spoke and tears started to well in his eyes. "When she reached for her weapon, I fired twice and hit her in the chest. Hopps was quick to arrive on scene so I had her call a bus while I put pressure on the wounds to try and keep her alive. Hopps checked her pockets and w-we found out her 'gun' was actually a block of wood carved roughly and painted black. I remember…I remember asking her why and sh-she just smiled right before dying under my paws." He finally gave up fighting the tears and felt them matte the fur on his cheeks as they slid free from his eyes.
Falster finished whatever note he was writing and looked over the rims of his glasses, sympathy on his muzzle. "Nick, you made a call that I'm sure any other officer in your position would have made. It's not-"
All the pent up emotion that he had shoved behind his mental walls finally spilled forth and manifested itself in the form of anger, disgust, and too many other emotions to process and before he realized it, he had stood up and started to shout at the doctor. "SHE WAS A FUCKING CUB! SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER AND I STOLE IT FROM HER!"
The doctor's ears folded back at the shout and he even flinched some at the outburst but he didn't let it faze him. Instead, he watched as Nick dropped back on to the couch, put his face into his paws, and his body start to heave as he sobbed. He remained silent for now, Nick was in a delicate stage and he had to tread carefully lest the fox shut him out completely.
"I mean, there was so many other things I could have done…I could have talked her down, gone for a non-lethal shot…something!" Nick said as he wrapped his tail around himself and hugged it to his chest, much like he would do as a cub when he needed comfort.
Falster let out a sigh and took of his glasses and placed them on top of his notes that he had set on the side table by his chair. "Nick, I can't even begin to say I can feel or understand your pain, taking a life is not something any rational mammal should have to go through. However, I do know this: Not any mammal can put on that badge every day and join the thin blue line. Every time you put on that badge there is the strong possibility that you will have to make a choice like that again and a strong chance you will have to put your life or the life of your partner at risk in order to serve and protect the citizens of this city. Things like that would break a lesser mammal."
"Well, to be honest doc, I feel pretty broken." Nick said as he looked down in his lap while tears still flowed down his cheeks. "Everyone talks about the thin blue line but I think I might have broken that sacred trust."
"As much as I hate to say it Nick, I believe the girl made her choice the moment she reached behind her back. She knew what she was doing and knew the consequences. I may not approve of her methods, but you can't blame yourself for her choices, doing so will bring you nothing but grief."
"What do you suggest I do doc?"
"Well Nick, what do you think you should do? There's no clear cut path to healing that I can tell you as it is entirely up to you." Falster leaned forward in his chair as he spoke, his amber gaze locked with Nick's bright green eyes. "However, I can tell you is that the first step you must take is to forgive yourself. I'm willing to support and guide you down this road but only if you're willing to take the steps yourself." He watched as Nick nodded. "Remember, you have your brothers and sisters in the ZPD who are there for you and are willing to share with your pain. The weight of the badge is not to be taken for granted, few mammals truly understand the responsibility you and all of the ZPD have pinned to your chest there unless they themselves share it." He said as he picked up his notes, "Alright Nick, I've been asked to give a report to Bogo and because I don't want you to feel like you've been left out of the loop, I'll tell you what I'm going to recommend. I am going to suggest you be put on paid leave or at the very least put on desk duty for now, but I'd like to see you take some time away from the ZPD. I am going to have you come in for at least one session a week, maybe two as needed until we are able to get through this, okay Nick?"
Nick could only nod in response as he used his paws to wipe his eyes and tear stained fur. "Sounds good doc." He says softly, admittedly not thrilled with the idea of no work or even desk duty but he figured it was for the best.
"Very good, if you go speak with Amy out front, she'll schedule your next appointment. We made a great step today Nick, you'll be back to your old self in no time." The doctor said as he stood up to guide Nick out of the office.
"Thanks doc, I'll see you next week." He said, walking to the elevator and pushing the call button. While he seemed down, he also carried himself as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders, even if only by a little bit.
Falster took note of this and nodded slightly to himself as he retreated back into his office to call Bogo with his observations. This would be a challenge, that was for sure, but he knew that Nick would be able to get through this, and come out stronger than ever. He idly waited for the phone to pick up for Bogo and he opened his pad to his notes for Nick. "Chief Bogo…yes this is Doctor Alan Falster speaking…I've finished with Officer Wilde here…well, I'm going to recommend…"