A/N: 'Nother crackfic. 'Cept it won't be added on to.

So there was this dude named Derby Harrington. He was tall, blonde,
handsome, and rich. He got all the ladies.

His best friend slash bodyguard was a macho redhead named Bif
Tremblay. He's tall, handsome, and rich as well. He got all the ladies
too.

So these two men that I was just talking about, yeah, they were
walking down the street to Aquaberry to pick up Gord Vendome, their
rainbow fairies princess frilly fru fru rich lawyer gay dude. But
that's just what he seemed like on the outside. Actually, Gord was
more macho than Bif. Imagine that!

Okay, so anyways, they were walking down the street when SUDDENLY all
of a sudden in the land of suddenliness, Vance Mecidi (also a gay
dude) rode by on a Segway. He was shouting angrily at everyone and
everything; "HATERS GONNA HATE, THEY LAUGH CUZ I SKATE"

Derby and Bif were just all liek, WTF, so they punched Vance in the
face. The greaser ended up bending all the way backwards until his
greasy hair hit his feet.

"WEEEEEEWW I'M A DOLPHIN!" he screamed again and continued riding on
his Segway. He suddenly jumped on a police officer's head and shot
into space, where he landed in Mordor.

When DERBY was watching the events unfold, Bif was taunting him with
the troll face, singing the trololo song. When Derby turned around,
Bif faked a seizure.

So anyways. They went on to Aquaberry, speaking in dubstep and causing
everyone's ears to bleed. Instead of using the door, because Bif is
stupid, he smashed the glass in the window and stepped inside.

Pinky shrieked in horror and fled the shop, half naked. Derby got
slapped in the face. Bif had another seizure. All was good.

It took five bananas and twenty-two oranges, but Gord was picked up
from Aquaberry. All he could talk about was the people he was whoring
around with. So Bif punched him in the face. Gord then ran off into
Parker's arms and called his daddy to sue them but then remembered
that they were a fucking Harrington and Tremblay so he hung up.

So anyways, after like five hours of staring off into space, Derby
fell down and sunk into the cracks of the cement.

"NOOOOOOOOO" Bif mourned the loss of his future lover. He was so loud
that he even woke up King Neptune.

DUHN DUHN DUHN

So anyways, Bif came back to the spot Derby disappeared at every day
and spoke Latin until Tad's fucking annoying little voice told him to
shut the frack up. Then Bif punched him. But it didn't really do
anything because Tad's daddy did that all the time.

So one day when Bif went up to speak Latin to Derby (keep in mind that
it was Thad Carlson's birthday), Pinky was standing directly on him.
Just standing there. Staring. Just doing nothing.

So Bif shoved her into the ocean. It was Justin to the rescue. DA DA
DA DA DA DAAAAAAA

Then all of a SUDDEN, out of a darkened alleyway, Ricky came riding
out in a Vespa. He was driving all cray cray, riding directly over
Derby's resting spot. Repeatedly.

That's when Vance came by from Mordor and helped Ricky drive over
Derby. Bif was pissed. So he began doing the chicken dance. Everyone
on the street stopped to watch his sexy dance of doom. Even Ricky and
Vance paused what they were doing.

Bif then began to speak in Latin like he always did. And then the
ground separated. And an army of Derby-bots flew over the city. The
real Derby kidnapped Bif and made him peel potatoes for Dan Wilson.

Dan Wilson cried from pure excitement when the potatoes were brought
to him. He loved potatoes. He could shoot them at people in the spud
gun he kept from when he used to be a nerd.

So anyways, Derby and Bif lived underground for like, 5 years. Only
Gord knew where they were because he saw Bif being taken away. And he
spoke the Canadian language in hopes of getting taken too.

But one day, Parker had a seizure. Gord instantly forgot Canadian and
where Derby and Bif were hiding. Derby was proud of Bif's seizure
machine.

So, anyways, the place that they lived in was big and it had green
scaly people. Once, they happened upon a blue wooden police box. A few
days after they had found it. It had disappeared.

One time, Pinky had gotten so angry that she drilled underground and
killed 2 green scaly people. So Derby and Bif's presence was not
welcome. They tied them to chairs and dissected them. Bif stopped
having seizures and Derby only spoke Japanese. He got kawaii desu eye
sparkles too.

So like, Christy had heard all of these "rumours" that they were
underground and it eventually got to Johnny. So Johnny, like, went to
the sidewalk and hit it with Norton's Thor hammer. All of a sudden,
Derby-bots came out if nowhere and broke his arm. And then, almost as
suddenly as the Derby-bots, the blue police box returned.

Christy walked out with Davis and Ivan. Johnny wondered why they were
in a tiny wooden box together. But he didn't care because his arm was
broken and the ground just swallowed him.

So the next thing he saw was Bif's seizure machine and a green scaly
thing eating a banana. Johnny threw up because bananas are gross.

Derby heard him throw up from where he was strapped in his chair and
spoke some Japanese words. Bif would have had a seizure but he was
unable to.

Johnny had a seizure of his own and climbed on the wall, down the
corridor to Derby and Bif. Derby said some more Japanese words before
all of a sudden, Pinky drilled down into the ground again and
accidentally killed another 2 green scaly people.

Johnny went and unstrapped Derby and Bif before they zombie-walked
back to the surface on a kite.

Goes saw their kites and cried from jealousy. But Derby got slapped in
the face and Bif had a non-seizure. All was good.