Spoilers: General Brian/Justin history, mostly Season 3 up to ep313 (the episode right before the finale).
Disclaimer: Queer as Folk characters do not belong to me, no matter how much I wish they could. I'm pretty sure that CowLip and Showtime own everyone mentioned in this story 'cause they're special like that.
Author's Note: 'Tis my first (and so far only) QaF fic I finished. I'm surprised actually that I wrote Brian/Justin because where fics are concerned, I'm more of a Brian/Mikey supporter, I guess 'cause I'm a sucker for friends turning into lovers and unrequited love and stuff... But, anyways, in the show, I adore Brian and Justin and need them together, and they got me all inspired during Season 3 to write about them. So yeah. nods and shuts up
Nearly every night I've spent in bed with Brian (and only Brian), I've woken up before him and watched him sleep.
My often half-lidded eyes have scrutinized his tan skin countless times, admiring those smooth contours of muscles and the tiny prickles of hair in places he'd neglected to shave. It's those teeniest of imperfections lingering on Brian that shape him to be even more breathtaking in my eyes than he was when I first met him and considered him to be a fucking god (and the God of Fucking, I must add). As I've acquired a relationship with him over the past few years (whether he wants to refer to it as a "relationship" or not), I've realized that even Brian's supposedly unfaltering grace must stumble every once in a while - whether it's in the minute flaws of a few overlooked hairs on his chest or the more significant event of fucking over his career by fucking me, "the enemy" to that homophobe Stockwell's campaign for mayor.
I shoved that last thought out of my brain, Stockwell being the last person I'd like to think of; especially with Brian dosed off next to me, his body sprawled out in total vulnerability for my eyes to soak in. The blanket scarcely covered him, only draped over one leg. It just barely reached up to his hips, failing to conceal several dark hairs that curled above his apparently softened dick that was tucked below the blanket. My mouth tugged itself into a faint, close-lipped grin at this spectacle.
As I continued to scan Brian's steadily breathing body, I wondered silently, Has anyone else ever truly comprehended his beauty like I have? I know people like Michael and Lindsay must know; actually they probably understand a lot more about Brian than I do because they've known Brian longer and been closer to him, probably more than I ever will be. However, I also know him in a way that neither of them do: Brian and I have gradually reached a level of intimacy that possibly reaches the level that "Mikey" and Linds hold in his heart, but we also share a closeness - both emotionally and obviously physically - from sex that I know no one else either of us has ever fucked (or not fucked, for that matter) comes close to touching.
I was ripped from those thoughts as Brian rolled off of his back and onto his side, facing me but still sleeping. One of his forearms flung itself onto my stomach, and I glanced down at the cowry shells that perpetually braceletted his wrist. Lifting one of my hands to the bracelet, I laid a few fingers on it and began to drift into memories of other mornings between the two of us...
Most of those mornings when I wake up in Brian's bed, I touch Brian while he's sleeping. Usually just gentle strokes on his face, back or arms; it's not like I've jacked him off or anything in his sleep.
Well... besides that one time...
A few weeks ago, Brian had halfway woken me up with all the gasps and whimpers his throat was continually emitting, but once he began moaning, "Justin," in a barely audible, sleep-drenched tone, my eyes shot open. A sly smirk crept onto my face, and I'd reached under the blanket to his unclothed, bulging cock. I'd stroked him back into a peaceful sleep as soon as he'd come all over my hand, and then I'd used his release as lubricant to get myself off. Afterwards, I fell back asleep, only to be awoken later on by the sound of Brian in the shower.
I have a feeling he knew that I was the one who'd jacked him off, knew that it wasn't his own doing that made him come in the midst of his dreams. I didn't admit to it, but I suspected this because that morning when I'd joined him in the shower, he'd turned to me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk of his own, as if to say, I know. Except, what he actually spoke was, "You little devil," which plastered silly little grins on both our faces. He'd yanked me closer to him under the shower spray and kissed me hard. I'm still not sure if that kiss was just in appreciation of my skillful hands or if it was actually in appreciation of me.
What I am sure of is we haven't had a morning like that since then. I guess because Brian and I satisfy each other enough while we're awake, there's no need for it while we're sleeping as well. Though, Brian has always believed, "There's no such thing as too much," so I shouldn't be surprised that he feels the need to come in his sleep as well.
It still sort of puzzles me why Brian didn't wake up while he came in his sleep that one morning. However, about half the times I've watched Brian sleep, he does wakes up while I'm touching him. Or, at least, he's awake enough to open his eyes. For all I know, he could be awake every time but just faking sleep until later on.
A few times, Brian woke up while I was absently combing my fingers through his hair. His eyes snapped open, and he immediately mumbled a remark about how disturbing it was that I was watching him in his sleep. Yet, there were also several other mornings where he woke up while I was tracing imaginary circles on his stomach, and when his eyes opened to see my intent gaze on his face, he grinned and commented, "Aww, how sweet. Watchin' me in my sleep," in this silly voice he uses in the attempt to conceal the actual sincerity of his words. I guess his reaction just depends on his mood most mornings.
However, on several rare mornings, Brian has shot tingles throughout my body with a single gaze. Those hazel eyes flutter open and look sleepily at my staring face, and Brian's whole tone softens. Sometimes it's only for a few moments before his guard goes back up. But, other times he's looked at me with that rare tenderness Brian reserves for a special few, and we've just lain there together for several minutes. Completely silent, aside from our even breathing, until the phone rings or alarm goes off or Brian smiles wider, fondly tugs on my hair and murmurs that we need a shower.
I know this probably sounds completely ludicrous to anyone who's never experienced this with Brian, but it feels like in those moments between us, it's obvious that our mind-blowing sexual rendezvous aren't the main reason we stayed together before and definitely not the main reason we found each other again after the Ethan fiasco. There's so much more to Brian and me than fucking, and I've always wondered when Brian will realize that fucking doesn't have to be the only thing he can let himself believe in. Ever since Brian and I were reunited after I left Ethan, I've felt like that moment of realization for him has been creeping nearer, but... well, I can never be too sure when it comes to Brian.
Today, in particular, I'm not sure what's different, but I can feel it. Brian probably would never acknowledge that something's been changing between us lately, but I know... and he must feel it, too, right? We've been closer than ever, and last night at Woody's, Brian displayed further truth in that notion when he kissed me. It's not simply the kiss, of course. It's that he grabbed me for a kiss after I told him that sometimes we have to sacrifice everything for what we believe in. I knew as soon as I'd said that, he'd be proud of me. He'd never say those words, but he expressed them through that kiss and the look we'd exchanged afterwards. His arms slung loosely around me, sloppy grins on both our lips, our eyes connected in a way we never had, not in public. It was the kind of gaze we'd shared those rare times he'd woken up while I'd been watching him sleep... Now, this morning, I lay in bed, fingering a few of the shells on his bracelet. I glanced at Brian's sprawled form beside me and gradually slipped my hand into his that had found its place on my abdomen. Ten fingers loosely entwined, I reached my other hand to his bedraggled hair and delicately combed my fingers through it. His eyelashes flittered all of a sudden, and I bit my lip in anticipation of what he would do this morning. Would we be any different or were my instincts fucking with me? It wouldn't be the first time...
I slowly rolled onto my side, my hands remaining where they had been. Brian's lips curved into the faintest of grins as he intensified his previously limp grip on my hand. Then he lifted his other arm to snake under my neck, those fingers gently scrawling invisible designs on my upper back, as he scooted closer to my body.
But his eyes remained shut.
I bit harder on my lip, thinking, Open your goddamn eyes, you prick, and allowed my hand that had been in his hair to drift to his cheek, my thumb vaguely rubbing his skin. After a moment, his thumb did the same to my hand.
His touch always intoxicated me more than any amount of alcohol could, made me higher than any joint and giddier than any amount of ecstasy. Brian is my drug, my blissful addiction that I never want to quit. But, right now, suddenly his touch doesn't mean half as much to me as opening his eyes would. I need him to see me. I understand that he knows the body he's holding is mine, but I want him to see.
"Mornin', Sleepy Smile," I found myself murmuring. I didn't know where the words came from or why I'd broken our companionable silence, but I guess I just needed to try something that could make Brian open his eyes. It took me a moment to realize that he was chuckling softly at my obscure greeting choice because I was so lost in mentally slapping myself for speaking. Every morning we'd shared one of Those Moments, neither of us had uttered a word.
But, turns out, my words had accomplished something: Brian opened his eyes.
Yes!
The hazel eyes seemed to be battling between sparkling with laughter and clouding over with sleep. I released my bottom lip from the grip of my front teeth and stretched my lips into a smile.
"Mornin', Sunshine," Brian mumbled, and we both scrunched our noses at the nickname. Then, the next thing I knew, I was being graced with his tender look I'd been hoping to earn. His hand left mine in search of the small of my back, and my hand found his bare shoulder. I sunk into his touch and knew my hunch that something has been changing for the better between us cannot be far from the truth.
Fuck! Please let me never leave this moment!
Brian's fingers, that had been outlining invisible shapes on my back, stole their way up my neck and into my hair. I instinctively tipped my head into Brian's touch as his fingers slackly ensnared themselves with my strands of blonde. Swiftly, I transferred my own hands from warm skin to soft hair. Brian responded to me by moaning faintly and tilting his head back into my hands momentarily, before suddenly his face darted towards mine. Our lips brusquely collided and, once I shooed away my initial surprise, my tongue slipped out in search of his.
As lips and tongues converged, creating a mélange of saliva and panting breaths, our hands dropped to lower bodily regions. I was beginning to allow our escalating sexual desires overcome my silly yearning for a morning of affectionate gazes and arousals more emotional than physical... but then, just as Brian's lips aimed for mine once again, out from my lips escaped the perfect words to destroy any hopes of a sexual or emotional arousal this morning.
"I love you, Brian," I gasped out, immediately wanting to smack myself for saying that out loud. Though, at the same time, I also felt like saying, Ha! There! Now what are you going to do when this is shoved in your face? Huh, Brian? He's known practically from day one that I've been in love with him, but I just knew that this would still freak him out.
Sure enough, Brian's hands froze on my ass, and his face withdrew from mine, startled. I recognized the fear in his eyes, though I know he was trying his best to conceal it. His eyes avoided mine for a few moments, staring at some random point on my exposed chest. The hush that stumbled upon us didn't last long, but it was long enough for me to hastily decide I should begin apologizing, "I- I'm sor-"
Brian's gaze connected with mine again, as one of his hands flew up to my mouth. Two fingers rested on my lips in a "Shush!" gesture, and Brian spoke up. Briefly.
"Hey. No apologies." And with that, he removed his fingers and replaced them with his lips. I expected a violent, "I'll-teach-you-to-admit-that-out- loud-to-me!" type of kiss, but this kiss from Brian was far from that assumption. Brian kissed me with such an astounding fervor, I couldn't remember the last time he'd kissed me that way, if ever. I don't know how I could discern this from only a kiss, but I just knew... Same as I know that things have been changing for the better between us lately, I know that this was one of Brian's many ways of saying, "I love you, too."
Always, always, I've ached for the actual words, but I think I surrendered to the fact that I'd never hear them once Brian and I got back together after I broke up with Ethan. It's just not Brian's style to admit he does, in fact, "do love." I'm sure it's hard enough for him to admit that he loves people like Gus, Michael and Lindsay, but admitting that he could be in love? That's damn near impossible. He can show it to me, but wanting to hear the words would be pushing my luck too much.
But, even though I've come to accept the way things are, I can't help but think that maybe the impossible has been becoming possible lately... I lost track of any sense of time while kissing him, but at some point, Brian withdrew from my mouth. He then added an affectionate peck on my lips, before giving us both some breathing space. I touched my forehead to his and couldn't prevent my content sigh that suddenly morphed into soft laughter. Brian edged his face away from mine in order to curiously look into my eyes.
"What are you laughing at?" I knew there was still fear hidden behind his smirk and the amusement in his eyes.
I just continued with my boyish giggles. Brian raised one eyebrow at my sudden change in behavior but started playing with my hair again, which somehow helped my laughter to die down.
"What were you laughing at?" Brian inquired again. I grinned and shrugged my shoulder that wasn't resting on the mattress.
"You," I stated, simply.
"Me?" Brian raised both of his eyebrows.
"Yeah." I continued grinning.
Brian waited a moment for me to go on, but when I said nothing, he spoke up again in mock politeness, "Would you like to expand on that thought?"
"You... You just..." How could I explain to him that the kiss he'd just given me had made me giddy with happiness? He'd be the one laughing if I admitted that out loud.
"I just...?" he prompted me. Christ, why was he pushing this?
"You just..." Ah, fuck it. I sighed and pressed my forehead against Brian's again, letting my eyes droop shut. "You just made me so happy with that kiss, is all," I mumbled. When I didn't hear any laughter from him, I daringly added, "It was a nice substitute for the actual words." I spoke under my breath, but I know it was audible enough because we were so close together.
I expected Brian to pull away from me again at my answer. Or laugh. Or some sort of reaction showing he'd heard me acknowledge that he hadn't verbally replied with an "I love you." When a few minutes went by and Brian still hadn't made any sound or motion in response to my words, my mind began racing.
Shit. Maybe he didn't actually hear me... No! He must have! ...Fuck! Brian! Goddamnit, say or do something already! Anything! Don't just pretend you didn't hear me...
I was silently going insane and about to pull away from him myself, about to turn away and let him pretend like nothing just happened between us, but then-
"I do love you, you know." Scarcely a murmur from Brian's lips but impossible to be misheard.
My eyes flew open to be met with his, and it was my turn to freeze in shock. I'd never seen Brian more afraid, sound more sincere, look at me with more adoration... It suddenly felt like I was receiving everything I'd ever wanted from him yet it was too much to take in at once.
I attempted to be as articulate as possible, but it was hopeless, inevitable that I'd just vocalize my emotions in a stammering fashion, "I- I .. I know, Brian. I mean, you don't have to... say the- the actual... words..." Christ, I know he used to make me this nervous, but I thought I'd gotten over that, gotten over turning into a mere minion when it comes to the god that is Brian Kinney.
Brian winced slightly at my response. "Oh, now you tell me I don't have to say the actual words." I bit my lip and couldn't help but let out some laughter at Brian's comment, then playfully swatted his shoulder. This made his face stretch into a genuine grin, as he laughed along with me. Soon, Brian's arms secured themselves around me, as he pulled our bodies closer together.
"You twat," he scolded briefly, probably because I'd led him to revealing his "I love you," then told him he didn't have to. Except his soft tone of voice sounded too affectionate to take any offense from his words. I knew he didn't actually believe my stuttering response to his confession anyways; he knew I was ecstatic inside about what he'd finally spoken out loud. I felt myself grinning wider than I had in a long time and noticed Brian biting his bottom lip in his feeble attempt to keep himself from grinning so widely as well. I have no idea whatsoever what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or even what will happen the rest of today between the two of us. I just know that I'm going to cling onto the elation of this moment between us as long as possible. We both realize that, even though Brian has shown me he loves me for a long time, Brian saying those three seemingly simple words is an extraordinarily rare occurrence that I think means a great deal to our future together. Though, I don't expect him to say, "I love you" often, or really even ever again, now that he's told me once. Honestly, do I need him to say it again? I can truthfully admit that hearing it once is enough and any time he decides to tell me after this, if ever, will just be a welcome bonus, as long as he continues showing me his love in other ways. I've realized that means a hell of a lot more to me. I reached my hands up to rest on Brian's face and offered a brief smooch on his lips. Brian then allowed his smile to widen before turning his head in my hands to gently press his lips against the sensitive underside of my wrist. They lingered on my skin for a few moments and then returned to my lips. As I kissed him, I thought of how finally everything was falling into place between us. It wasn't perfect because nothing, not even the supposed perfection of Brian, is completely flawless. But it feels damn near close to perfect between Brian and me right now, and that's more than enough, even if it only lasts as long as this morning. Because Brian's found in me the person he can, not only fuck, but also love. Brian believes in me. And it shouldn't come as a surprise that I won't hesitate to admit I feel the same about him.
[end]
I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared, too
for some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here and sometimes I get one
It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
and tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
but I will follow anyone who brings me to you
for now, forever, for on and on and on.
[story partially inspired by these Alkaline Trio lyrics]