The Mizzies Meet the 1998 Movie
Disclaimer: Don't own the book, don't own the musical, and (thankfully) don't own the movie
Marius: *writing at his desk* Dear Monsieur August. Don't ask me how, since VCR's have not yet been invented, but I just bought a copy of that "Les Miserables" movie you directed about the convict and the whole "barricade" incident. Well, I am terribly sorry, but I think you were misinformed. You-
Cosette: *opens the door* Marius, what are you doing? Are you trying to send mail to the future again? *sigh* Darling, how many times must I tell you, that just isn't going to work?
Marius: I'm writing to the man who made that horrible movie about all of us.
Cosette: But why are you doing it? Wouldn't someone else be more qualified, maybe a character who existed during the first half too?
Marius: Yeah, but you and I are only ones in the cast left alive, remember?
Jean Valjean: I beg to differ, Marius.
Cosette: *jumps, striking her head on the roof* AAAAGH! *clutches her heart in shock* Papa, I thought you were dead!
Jean Valjean *shrugs* I thought so too. But on my way to heaven, some angel stopped me. The angel said that some fool had rewritten my story, leaving out my heart-wrenching death.
Marius: That's great! Now I don't have to feel guilty anymore!
Valjean: What's so great about it? My life is miserable! I've been looking forward to that death scene for years!
Bishop Bienvenue: Just as well you didn't die! I've been up in heaven waiting to give you a piece of my mind!
Valjean: But why? I thought you were supposed to be kind to me
Bishop Bienvenue: You promised to repent and change your ways when I gave you the candlesticks. You lied! You spent the entire movie thinking only of your own safety! You smiled when that cop killed himself! Why, you even hit your own daughter!
Cosette: *crying onto Bishop Bienvenue's shoulder* He was always cruel to me, you know
Bishop: *pats Cosette on the back* There, now, don't cry, my child
Valjean: *scowls at Cosette* You wanna go live with your biological father?
Cosette: *hastily* I'll be good!
Valjean: *muttering* Damn movie. Whatever happened to "In my life, I have all that I want, you are loving and gentle and good"?
The Ghost of Inspector Javert: *materializes in front of Valjean* You think that's bad? Well, that movie has made a laughingstock out of me. That close-up of me inhaling snuff has inspired a whole genre of bad fanfics, making fun of my nicotine problem.
Cosette: I read those. I thought they were funny. Maybe you just don't have any sense of humor?
Javert: Shut up, you!
Valjean: Don't tell my baby to shut up!
Marius: *glare* Yeah! You can't talk to my wife that way!
Javert: I am a representative of the law and I'll talk any way I…hey, wait a minute! *scowls* I remember you! You're that dolt-of-a-lawyer I gave those pistols to, to help me break up that fight! Give them back this instant or I will arrest you. That is, if I can ever get these bloody handcuffs off my wrists *struggles pathetically with the cuffs*
Marius-No can-do, Inspector. I don't have them anymore. You see, that part of the story was left out of the movie too.
Javert: *shrug* Just as well. If the guys down at the office learned that the great Inspector Javert had actually rescued Jean Valjean, I'd never live it down
Cosette: Wait a minute? Inspector Javert? I remember you! *kicks Inspector Javert in the face, karate style*
Javert: *wipes blood from his mouth* Ow! Hey! What was that for?
Valjean & Marius: *stare at Cosette like she is an alien*
Cosette: *grins with satisfaction* Revenge. In the movie, you beat up my boyfriend in an alley, and then you tied my hands behind my back while insulting my parentage.
Javert: No way! I don't harm girls! I'm an inspector, not a bully!
Marius: *scratches head in confusion* Did you just call me your boyfriend? Cosette, I'm your husband now.
Cosette: Not according to that blasted film. We never did get to have our cute little wedding. The film ended with Papa smiling over the death of the Inspector, there.
Marius: *begins to hyperventilate* AGH! We're not married! I'm living in sin! But I'm too virtuous for that!
M. Gillenormand: *hobbles inside* Oh, do settle down and stop screaming, Marius, before I hit you with my cane.
Marius: *wrinkles his forehead uncomprehendingly* Who are you?
M. Gillenormand: *frowns* Marius, I'm your grandfather. Remember? I separated you from your father and raised you myself, hoping to keep you away from the taint of his Bonapartist influence. Remember our wacky, dysfunctional relationship?
Marius: I have a father?
Gillenormand: *shakes Marius by the shoulders* Don't you remember? You ran away to Paris and lived in self-imposed poverty to make up for ignoring him all that time? Dang it, it took up like ten chapters!
Marius: None of that was in the movie, or the musical, for that matter
Gillenormand: *melts into oblivion like the wicked witch of the west* AAAAAAAAAUGH! I'm melting! Melting! Melting!…
Valjean: *shakes his head, as if to clear it* Well, that was interesting, but right now we have more important things to worry about. Like where is my poetic epitaph going to go now that I don't have a tombstone?
Javert: Shut up, Valjean. I am still annoyed with you for smiling over my death. You're supposed to be a saint! The least you could do is have the decency to look sad! I mean, if you wanted me to die, why couldn't you have just killed me on the barricade and saved me the trouble of committing suicide!
Valjean: Because it wouldn't be nearly as artistic.
Javert: Well, that isn't going to keep me out of Hell! What am I supposed to do on Judgment Day, when God asks me why I killed myself? Explain that Hollywood wanted an "artistic" death?
Eponine: *materializes in front of Javert* Don't feel bad, Inspector. At least they let you keep your tragic death scene. It's more than they let me have.
Everyone frowns in confusion
Cosette: Uh, who are you?
Eponine: *runs to Marius* Monsieur Marius, surely you will remember? It's me, Eponine.
Marius: *confused* Huh?
Eponine: *crying pathetically* But Marius, my love, you have to know me!
Cosette: *rounds on Marius warily* Did she just call you her love? Marius, have you been having an extra-marital affair? How dare you!
Eponine: Uh, Lark, how could he have an extra-marital affair? You guys aren't even married, remember?
Cosette: *with an Enjolraic glare* Don't cross me, Eppy. I'm not nice about that sort of thing anymore.
Eponine: *backs away cautiously* Lark, you're scaring me
Marius: *frantically trying to pacify Cosette* Cosette, pookie, this is all a big mistake! I've never seen this girl in my life!… In my life?… Wait a minute, that sounds familiar *bursts into song* In my life! She has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun! Eponine, you're the friend who has brought me here. Thanks to you, I am one with the Gods and heaven is neeeeeeeeear!
Eponine: *brightens* In my life! There's been no one like him anywhere, anywhere, where he is…
Marius: *snaps his fingers* Now I remember! 'Ponine! 'Ponine, where have you been? I didn't even see you at the barricade. Without you around to rescue me, the whole battle could have been messed up! *narrows his eyes suspiciously* You haven't become obsessed with another man, have you?
Eponine: No! Never! *sniffles sadly* I'm sorry, Monsieur Marius, but they left me out of the movie. It's hard to take a bullet for your beloved when you don't exist.
Marius: But if you didn't save my life, then how did I live through the battle?
Cosette: Well, it's no wonder you lived. In that movie, you spent half of the battle sneaking away from the barricade to see me.
Marius: I did, didn't I? And that's really ironic, considering I was the leader of the revolution.
Enjolras: *appears in front of Marius* That's right! For shame, Pontmercy! I would have never done such a shoddy job, if they hadn't cut me out of the movie. You are so pathetic, Marius!
Marius: That's Marjolras to you
Javert: Another disgruntled character cut from the film. How many more of those are we going to meet?
Enjolras: *eyes aflame with fury, grabs Javert by the collar* You just stay out of this, royalist pig! In the musical and novel, I get to tie you up and have you executed!
Javert: *snorts contemptuously* 'Fraid not, little schoolboy. Valjean lets me go. He just fires his gun into the air to make you think he executed me.
Enjolras: What's a Valjean?
Valjean: *raises hand* That would be me, the guy who saved your life. Remember?
Enjolras: You did not save my life, because I had no life to save. I was cut, and was replaced by Pontmercy *rolls his eyes* Simple minded, lovesick Marius! Pathetic! I devoted my entire soul to the Republic! He never even came to meetings! All he ever did was mope around the park writing mediocre love poetry for that bimbo girlfriend of his!
Cosette: *turns bright red, smoke starting to waft out of her ears* What did you just call me, Monsieur Enjolras?
Enjolras: Oh, do be quiet! This is important revolutionary business. You go play dolls with the rest of the helpless girls, and come back when you are able to hold a rifle.
Cosette: *fuming* THAT'S IT! *tackles the shocked Enjolras and begins to bang his head against the floor mercilessly* Nobody messes with Cosette Fauchelevant! Take that, you !@#$%
Marius: *faints*
Valjean: *drags Cosette away, slapping her face* That's enough, young lady. You're grounded.
Cosette: It isn't my fault. You were a bad role model.
Enjolras: *struggling to reclaim his dignity* As I was saying, how dare they replace me with such a fool? Why, it is absurd! How can you have a Fearless Leader who doesn't even wear a red vest?! They would have done better to make Grantaire leader!
Grantaire-pokes his head inside the door, smiling sarcastically-Why Enjolras, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Enjolras: Stuff a sock in it, winecask! Can't you see I'm busy having one of my radiantly ferocious outbursts?
Grantaire: *opens the door and marches in with the rest of Les Amis behind him*
Jehan: Now, Enjolras, do be reasonable. You weren't the only one they left out.
Courfeyrac: Yeah, the rest of us were just random guys. We were lucky if we even had one line apiece.
Feuilly: We didn't even resemble our real characters! Laigle wasn't bald or unlucky, Joly wasn't a hypochondriac-
Joly: *indignant* I ab dot a hypochondriac. I just happen to have every disease *pauses to sneeze* known to ban-kind.
Laigle: *patronizingly* Sure Joly.
Combeferre: *ignores Joly, continuing where Feuilly left off* Jehan wasn't a poorly dressed poet, I wasn't a philosopher, and Grantaire wasn't even a drunk.
Laigle: *whispers to Joly* Is that how Grantaire is managing to stay awake for this conversation? I was wondering…
Bahorel: *laughs mockingly* Ha! Left out, were you? Now you all know how I feel!
Courfeyrac: Aww, don't feel bad, Bahorel. You're the lucky one, actually.
Bahorel: *a little bitterly* And why is that?
Courfeyrac-Since you weren't in the musical, you have far fewer obsessive fans than the rest of us. And without obsessive fans, you don't have anyone to write ridiculous Mary Sue romances about you
Les Amis: *shudder and cringe, looking nauseated* Ugh… Mary Sue…
Gavroche: *wanders into the room, cheerfully whistling* Hi everybody. Why the long faces?
Enjolras: *scowls sourly* Oh, look. Little Gavroche. The only one in the whole cast who didn't get ripped to shreds.
Gavroche: *grins* I guess I'm just more loveable than the rest of you.
Mme. & M. Thenardier: *scowl at their son*
M. Thenardier: Shut up, boy! I didn't raise you to be a brat.
Gavroche: *taps on his father's head* Hello? Thenardier, you didn't raise me at all. Mother threw me out into the street, remember?
Mme. Thenardier: I did?
Gavroche: And my little brothers too
Azelma: Gav, we don't have any little brothers
Gavroche: Oh yeah, I forgot. They weren't my brothers in the film. Just as well. I had no elephant to take them to anyway.
Mme. Thenardier: But I never had a son!
Gavroche: I'm not surprised you forgot. They left out that part of the story. In fact, you were only in one scene, and that was only for about two seconds.
Thenardier: What!
Azelma: Like it matters. I'm getting used to it
Eponine: Don't be insulted, Papa. They left me out, too. And I'm the one everybody likes!
Gavroche: They like me better
Eponine: Do not
Gavroche: Do so, sis. I'm cuter than you *flutters his eyelashes with a charming smile*
Eponine: Are not
Gavroche: Am too
Gavroche and Eponine bicker on in the background
Patron Minette: *pop in, looking hopeful*
Brujon: Thenardier? Left out?
Gueulemer: We're free! Free at last!
Babet: Hurray for the film!
Patron-Minette: *Dance around in circles singing "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead" from "The Wizard of Oz"*
Claquesous: *stops suddenly* But without our leader, what will happen to us?
Montparnasse: *rubs hands together wickedly* Heh heh. Looks like I'm in charge now.
Gueulemer, Claquesous, Brujon, Babet: *look horrified*
Thenardier: But without me, who will collect those odds and ends? As a service to the town? Someone's got to clean them up, my friends-
Fantine: Stop that, you horrible, horrible man!
Thenardier: Who the hell are you?
Fantine: It's me, Fantine! Up in heaven, I heard all about the terrible things you and the Thenardiess did to my daughter, and I've come back for revenge.
Thenardier: Oh. I didn't recognize you. I thought you were supposed to be blond.
Valjean: Fantine! My beloved! *moves to kiss Fantine*
Fantine: *shoves him away* What the devil is wrong with you, M'sieur Mayor?
Valjean: *shrugs apologetically* Sorry, Fantine, but according to the film, you're in love with me.
Fantine: But that's disgusting! You're like thirty years older than me! Besides, why would I want another man after what I went through with Felix?
Valjean: Hey, you think I like it? I'm a twenty-four-hour do-gooder; I don't have time for romance! But we're just fictional characters. We have no way of protecting ourselves from literary atrocities.
Fantine: Ugh. Great. What's next? Are they going to make me marry that ugly looking cop?
Javert: Hey, don't make me beat you up too!
Cosette: *runs to Fantine* Maman! Is that you? *glares at Mme. Thenardier* Wait a minute. That was you who made me fetch the water from the well in the wood? *pounces on Mme. Thenardier, pummeling her with her fists* I'll teach you to mistreat poor hydrophobic little orphans!
Marius: *pulls his…er, wife, off Mme. Thenardier and struggles to hold her back. This is not easy, as she keeps pulling his hair and kicking him in the shins* Cosette! Please! *sighs wearily* Whatever happened to that sweet young girl I met in the garden? Wait, the garden was left out, too…
Cosette: *flailing wildly* Oh, shove a cork in it, Pontmercy! I like this insolent new me! Long live the film!
Marius: You're not the girl I thought you were. I want a divorce!
Cosette: You don't need one, dolt! We're not married!
Marius: Oh yeah *cries miserably* She's gone! She's really gone! *puts his head in his hands* On my own, pretending she's beside me-
Eponine: *jumps at her chance* No you're not, Marius, I still love you! If you'll stop trying to steal my song, that is.
Enjolras: *muttering inaudibly* You just don't know when to quit, do you? Now you're trying to be me and Eponine?
Marius: *brightens, but quickly becomes depressed again* 'Ponine, it would never work out.
Eponine: What? Why not? Cosette is out of the picture now! You're all mine! *evil laugh* Mwhahahahahah!
Marius: No
Eponine: But why?!
Marius: Because you've been written out of existence
Eponine: *melts in the style of M. Gillenormand* Noooooooo!
Marius: Man, it can't get any worse than this *moans dejectedly* One of my girlfriends is melted and the other one is crazy. I'm alllllllll alone! *looks thoughtful* Wow. Maybe I am a bit like Enjolras. Maybe those Hollywood butchers knew what they were doing after all.
Enjolras: Oh, shut up, you stupid Marjolras. I happen to be alone by choice
Marjolras: Right…
Enjolras: *defensive* I could have any woman I wanted!
Marjolras: Sure…
Enjolras: I've had enough of you. It's bad enough, you trying to take over my identity, you don't have mock me as well! Let's prove right here and now who is the true Fearless Leader!
Marjolras: Fine!
Both men draw pistols. They fire simultaneously, each one hitting the other in the heart. They fall to the ground and die. And as they lay there dying…
Marjolras: *chokes out one final sentence* And all of this because Hollywood tried to screw with the classics!
Enjolras: Lisa…Lisa…Lisa…
Grantaire: Wrong musical, fearless leader
They die
Combeferre: *to the rest of Les Amis* Well, we have no excuse now that our leader is dead. We're going to have to start going to class.
Les Amis: *groan*
Courfeyrac: Look on the bright side. Blondeau was also left out of the film
The End