Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Dick Wolf. Not me. That's life.
This takes place after Guilt. A/O is previously established.
Olivia was sprawled out on the couch with a book when she heard the door open and Alex's footsteps padding toward the living room. She set the book down on the coffee table, knowing that it had been a hard day and Alex was going to need a little extra TLC tonight.
Alex appeared in the doorway a moment later, and just stood awkwardly for several seconds. Immediately, Olivia got to her feet and went to her, wrapping her arms tightly around her girlfriend. Alex was limp in her embrace, resting her chin on Olivia's shoulder and sighing deeply. Olivia gently rubbed her back. "Alex –" she started, but Alex shook her head and cut her off.
"I screwed up, Olivia."
"Alex, you didn't. There was nothing you could have done –"
"Sam tried to kill himself, Olivia. He's in a coma. Even if he wakes up, his life will never be the same. And his mother –"
Olivia hugged Alex tighter. "Alex, none of that is your fault."
Alex smiled wryly. "I don't think Mrs. Cavanaugh would agree."
"Alex, Sam tried to kill himself because of what Barnett did to him, not because of you."
Alex just sighed.
Olivia sighed too and led Alex to the couch. "Come here. Sit with me."
Alex obediently sat down beside Olivia, and the detective snaked an arm around her shoulders, pulling Alex close. Alex laid her head on Olivia's lap and the detective absently ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "It is my fault, Olivia," she whispered, trying to stop her body from relaxing into Olivia's tender caresses. She didn't deserve such comfort now.
"No, it's not, sweetheart. I know you like to think otherwise, hut Alex, you can't control everything in the world. Not everything that happens is your fault."
"Then why, Olivia? Why did it have to happen?"
Alex's voice was so full of pain that it made Olivia's heart clench. "I don't know, baby. Sometimes these things just happen, and there's no reason. Sometimes things just don't make sense. But it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You did all you could. Sam was a troubled boy before we even caught his case."
"But our job is to fix things –"
"No, Alex. Our job is to put the bad guys in prison. And you've done that countless times, and you'll do it again with Barnett. I know you will, baby."
"That won't help Sam."
"No. But it will help all the future Sams."
Alex sighed again. "Sometimes I wonder why we even bother. Even if we put Barnett in prison, there will be a million more of him. There are just too many of them and not enough of us."
Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "We do what we can. Sometimes it's not enough. But the ones we help are the ones that make it worth it."
"It just takes so much out of you . . ."
"I know, sweetie." Olivia smiled slightly. "I wondered when you'd start to feel it."
"So I guess now I'm one of you, huh?"
Olivia gave Alex another tender smile. "You've always been one of us, sweetheart."
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