No Regrets

Part 1

His temples throbbed. He inhaled painfully, one breath after another, but the unfamiliar feeling inside him didn't disappear. It remained, ruthlessly plaguing his body.

Pressing his thumbs against both temples, Jason Morgan pressed down hard, hoping it would relieve the pain. His lungs burned from the harsh cold that entered him. Nothing he did helped ease the tension that had seeped into his body the last few weeks.

Quickly tugging the zipper of his leather jacket open and roughly pulling off his leather gloves, he leaned back on the wooden bench. Closing his eyes, he attempted to grab a hold of himself. His muscles began to slowly relax from the soft whisper of air against his chest and the exposed skin of his neck and arms. For a split moment he felt calm, before pain sliced through his temples and down his spine.

Groaning, he grasped his head and rocked as the agonizing sensation intensified. Eyes still closed, flashes flew across his eyelids. Blurred colors—soft golden hues, flickering red. Hard damp wood against his back and gentle warm digits on his forehead. Muffled words and vague whispers. The memories washed over Jason and his mind grasped at the disappearing images behind his eyelids. The pain whispered away.

Gasping heavily, Jason's eyes snapped open and stared at the open horizon before him. The wood chips of the bench bit into his skin as he gripped it for balance. Clouded, his mind sought the pieces of memories that had suddenly filtered through his mind and disappeared just as quickly. Giving his head a harsh shake, he tentatively rose onto his feet, keeping his hand tightly clenching the arm of the bench for balance.

On his feet, the enforcer swallowed past the lump in his throat and ran his tired eyes over the empty docks. There was nothing different about the docks or the water that moved at its own rhythm. His confused blue eyes stared into the sunset that filled the sky with a collage of vivid colors.

Moments passed for Jason in peace before the tranquility that he had found was broken by the sound of heavy footfalls. On instinct he looked over his shoulder, watched the stairs and listened to the footsteps before Sam McCall appeared. She smiled widely at the sight of him and climbed down the stairs with an odd confidence that made him frown.

Dressed in a short feminine leather jacket that resembled his own and in complete black just like him, she made her way to his side. She brushed a kiss against his lips. The kiss felt cold and unaffectionate. Her lips were rough and covered in sticky lip-gloss. The memory of soft, supple, loving lips brushing against his own trickled through his mind.

Blinking rapidly, Jason tried to concentrate on the words that rapidly flew through Sam's lips. She was flush against him, her arms around his waist, while his arms remained motionless at his sides.

"I was thinking of a nice bubble bath when we both get home," she drawled in a low voice that had him cringing inside. "Maybe open a bottle of wine and relax, before we try to make that baby again," she went on, a bright twinkle in her eyes.

"A bubble bath?" He repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yes, a bubble bath," she confirmed, happily. "A nice, long, warm bubble bath with just the two of us."

The idea of a bubble bath had no appeal to him. The thought of one made him uncomfortable, especially one with Sam.

"It would help you relax these muscles," Sam murmured, massaging his tense shoulders.

He scowled at her harsh touch.

"I don't think the bubble bath is a good idea. I have some things I need to deal with tonight."

"That's not fair," Sam protested, moping. "We haven't had much time together, since I started working and this whole thing with Alcazar started."

Pulling her hands off him, Jason stepped back and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. His mind and body were off balance and anxious. He didn't want to spend the evening taking a bubble bath and then going to bed with a woman that he felt awkward around. There was something wrong with this situation. He was supposed to love Sam. He was supposed to want a family with her. He was supposed to want a life with her, yet none of it felt right in his heart.

Sighing, Jason straightened and looked into Sam's dark brown eyes. He didn't find any warmth in them or any love that he wanted. They appeared bleak and angry to him. He looked away unable to fathom what his mind was slowly coming to see was wrong. Drawing a step back, the enforcer tucked his hands into his pockets and peered down at the woman he had once proposed to and planned on spending the rest of his life with.

Her forehead wrinkled as she asked, "Jason, I thought you wanted to have a baby?"

"I do," he reassured her. "I just—"

"You promised me that we would have a baby," she exclaimed. "I thought that after the whole Ric and Elizabeth fiasco, we were going to get our life together back on track. I mean we made so many plans and promises to each other."

"It is so easy to promise to love someone forever and to mean every word and to make that commitment."

The words flew through his mind.

"But people change.

"You promised," Sam repeated.

"Life changes us."

Her face paled as she gawked at him in shock. "You said you loved me. You said that there is nothing that would keep us a part. I forgave you for your night with Elizabeth and now we need to get back to our lives."

"We make choices, some good, some bad, and we end up living with the consequences."

"Sam—" he tried to get in a word otherwise.

"I want this baby more than anything in the world and I know you do too," she stared up at him with soft brown eyes that had no effect on him. "I see you with Michael, Morgan, Kristina, and Molly and my heart aches. If our daughter hadn't died, we would be a family right now. We would be here with her, spending an afternoon together." Tears gathered in her eyes.

He felt the guilt twinge his heart to see her hurt.

"And time, because one day you'll wake up and you realize that you aren't the same person you were when you made those promises to the person you loved."

"I slept with Ric—your enemy—and I regret it," she murmured, grabbing a hold of his hands.

"Some mistakes are pretty difficult to get past."

"I know I hurt you enough to push you into Elizabeth's arms, but they were just one night-stands. I know we're over that and we can get on with our lives now." Sam raised her hand to his temple and brushed his hair back. "I need you. You need me. And we need a baby now to be complete."

"And it's even more complicated when a child is involved, because every child has the right to the best life its parents can provide."

He understood now. He understood what she had meant on the bridge. Jason looked into Sam's brown eyes again and realized the future he had once seen in them was no longer possible. Too much had changed between them. She had changed. And most of all so had he. Things would be fine with Sam and him for a short time, but eventually those changes would catch up to them and would make them miserable, especially with a child caught in the middle.

"Sam, I know," he took both of her smaller gloved hands into his and looked into her eyes. "I know we made a lot of plans. I remember all of them, but a lot has happened since then." Jason sighed. "Things have changed."

Sam observed him with questioning eyes. "Nothing has changed. You love me. I love you. That's more than enough for us to be together and create a family from that love."

"No," Jason said harshly, any remorse he had felt for inflicting pain on her leaking away.

Taken aback by his tone, Sam stared at him with wide, stunned eyes. "I don't want to hear anymore of this," she muttered, pulling at her hands to be released.

Inhaling calmly, Jason released her. "Things have changed, whether you want to admit it or not. I mean I have changed. I'm not the same person I was when we broke up. I did love you with everything I had, but…I've—I saw things in a different light." And he had chosen to ignore it to make her happy and it was a way of escaping the disappointment his heart had been filled with. Exhaling in ease for once, the enforcer looked into Sam's eyes again, his eyes unwavering as he spoke. "I don't have any regrets and it's time for us both to accept that things have changed and the only thing left to do is move forward with our lives."

Jason watched as any pleasantness in Sam's features faded away to be replaced by a dark grim. "For all I know," she all, but growled. "You left me after I came out of surgery because you wanted to keep me out of harm's way. You broke my heart when I needed you most." He saw the tears glisten in her eyes. "I was under the impression we were past all of that and your—our one night stands and we were ready to get back to the life we had promised to have. Try to have a child and be a family, which is apparently no longer important to you," she seethed, turning away from him with a jerk.

"Sam," he reached for her arm to stop her.

"No," she fumed. "I'm going home and hopefully you'll snap out of these delusions, Jason. When you're yourself again come home." Sam turned to leave, her hand on the rail of the steps.

"I think it'd be best if you moved back to the Metro Court."

His words brought her to an immediate halt. She faced him slowly, her face now a contortion of dark features. Her eyes turned bleak and black, full of controlled fury. She breathed in measured breaths. Her fists were clenched at her sides, her body rigid.

"And why would I do that exactly?" Her words were sharp and terse.

Jason sighed. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he paused and attempted to organize his thoughts. His heart and mind were on the same page for the first time in what seemed like forever. He knew he was hurting Sam, but a part of him could no longer live with holding onto a relationship that had reached its end months ago.

"Because it's not right."

"What's not right?" She glared at him.

"Us," he heaved. "It doesn't feel right anymore."

The enforcer saw the flash of anger and hurt in Sam's brown eyes, before she straightened her spine and held her chin up high.

"I'm sorry."

"You're going to regret this later," she warned him, before sharply pivoting and stalking up the stairs.

"No," he murmured softly, watching her retrieving back. "I won't."

Just like he didn't regret the night of the blackout.