Naomi

I can feel my heart racing, can feel the blood beat in my own ears. Wondering if the girl lying next to me feels the same, I allow my fingers to skate across her chest, gently. The presence of the delicate body next to mine is something that has pre-occupied my thoughts for a long time. The reality is somewhat different to how I'd imagined; intimidating, too real. Am I scared? I don't know. I'm alive, something I haven't really been for as long as I can remember. Lying next to her fills my bleak, numb existence with with exhilaration.

In the past I've pierced my skin to allow myself to feel something, anything. Seeing the blood flow reminded me that I was still there, still surviving. Now this is my release.

I stroke the dark flowing hair away from the beautiful face beside me. Our eyes meet. It's as though I am drowning in hers. I'm taken off guard, that this girl who I know to be so cold, so strong; is now vulnerable and exposed. If she is as anxious as I am at this moment, she doesn't show it.

Effy smiles at me slowly. She moves steadily, always so sure. Leaning in closer, my face flushes as her soft hands find their way to my waist, pausing there as her lips touch mine. I feel a sudden change, the atmosphere heavy with anticipation. I can no longer hold myself back…

It's been six months today since I first thought about killing myself. It's hard to describe how I've been feeling, because most of the time I feel nothing at all. Just an emptiness, a dull ache that came seemingly from nowhere and smothered me until I stopped trying to fight it, until I let it take over.

At first, people noticed. They were worried sick. Okay, not everyone was as concerned. Many people just slowly drifted out of my life. Not intentionally, but because we all have lives and we're all busy. They moved on. But the people who stayed by me: Emily, and more surprisingly, Katie, noticed a change in me. They said I had become withdrawn, and not like myself. They tried to make me get help at first. I wouldn't go to the doctors, and this worried them more. But as time went on, it got so easy to hide it and pretend I was better.

I would stay awake all night, trapped in my own thoughts. Sometimes I would sob silently, uncontrollably, for no reason other than that I felt completely hopeless and lost. But I would get up in the morning. I would wash my face, paint on a smile, kiss Emily goodbye and go to work. It got so easy to put on this act that I almost forgot I was pretending after a while.

Little did Emily know though; I wasn't going to work. I lost my job weeks ago, when I stopped turning up. Even when I bothered to turn go, I was usually in a bad way from the night before. So I got fired. I didn't care, it was a relief to not have to drag myself into that place day in day out and work mindlessly for shit wages. So I have my routine. I get up, kiss Emily goodbye and I go to see Effy.

Sometimes the only way to stay alive is damage yourself. To fuck your life up, to get off your tits, anything to make you feel alive, instead of watching everything drift past you. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, but I like to relax and have a smoke, or sometimes a pill or two to have a good time. All my friends did it when we were in college, the only difference I guess is that they grew out of it. I grew into it. That's where being friends with Effy came in handy.

Emily

I remember the first time we slept together with the lights on. I was shy at first. We hadn't been together for very long, only a couple of months or so. Naomi was the first girl I ever made love to, and I didn't feel comfortable with being on full display. She never made me feel pressured into doing anything I wasn't at ease with.

Her eyes closed as I traced my lips across her skin, landing gentle kisses from her jawline down to her collarbone.

"Em!" She laughed, as I brushed past the sensitive spot on her neck, making her jump. I smiled at her and felt her relax beneath me as I moved further down her body, my hands brushing against her soft breasts. I could feel the subtle change in her breathing, could see her chest rising and falling more quickly as I touched her. As I moved down past her stomach, I heard her start to moan softly.

I loved being so close to her, making her feel like this. As I looked up at her face, I watched her eyes close tighter and her lips move apart as she gasped for breath. I felt her tense, as she said my name softly. Then seconds later she relaxed, breathless, smiling at me. I never realized how many times I had missed out on this special moment because of my own insecurity. I felt closer to her than I had ever been to anyone.

And now she could be fucking someone else.

Someone else could be having our private moments. Someone else could be seeing her face as they made her come. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, so much so that I feel a wave of nausea flood over me. Shaking, I run to the bathroom and double over, letting the tears run down my face as I let it all out.

I look in the mirror once I'm done. I'm a mess. Mascara everywhere, pale as a ghost and now I probably smell like puke. I don't blame her for going off me.

I want to scream. She's late home again,and no prizes for guessing why. She's with her.

I like to think of myself as a forgiving person. But maybe the fact that Naomi was the one who was so worried about our relationship, so insecure about the fact that I could meet someone better, and now she's doing it to me is the fact that I feel like I'm going insane. I have always said that cheating isn't the worst thing you can do in a relationship. I stand by this. People make mistakes, and get caught up in moments of lust. While its heart breaking and humiliating for the person being lied to, it doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship. Love is deeper than physical attraction. But when I think of all these months I've spent trying to reassure her that I'm crazy about her, that my feelings won't ever change, that she's the most amazing beautiful woman ever to walk into my life... I realize it's all been for nothing.

Not that I blame her. Effy is stunning. When she walks into a room everyone stares at her. Everyone tries to talk to her. Her deep blue eyes, long dark hair, slim, pale frame don't sound like much to look at. But it's like she's ethereal, otherworldly. She has this sort of power over everyone. It disgusts me, it's like people become lapdogs the second they come across an attractive female. She doesn't seem to be bothered by all the attention she gets though. It's almost as if she doesn't even notice. Although maybe that's an act that she's perfected over the years to draw people in further.

I look down at myself, and wish I had her figure. So slender, so light. I feel heavy, physically and emotionally. I am weighed down by it. There's nothing more exhausting than watching your life unravel right before your eyes and being unable to do anything to stop it. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I just dyed my hair, lost weight, became mysterious and reserved… Would I be like her? Would I be the one Naomi wanted more than anything else again?

I had made tea for us tonight. I thought we could sit down together properly like we used to, instead of grabbing something to eat separately because we never made time to do it together. It was probably cold by now. I could have saved it and put it in the fridge, but I want her to feel guilty when she gets in and realizes that I'd made the effort for her. What was the point though? You can't guilt someone into falling back in love with you.

I prepare myself for her embarrassingly lame excuses. She had to work late to help out, they were desperate. I've given up telling her that the world isn't going to end because a few people have to wait a bit longer for their over priced food to be served. I just go along with whatever she says. It's too painful to do anything else, and maybe I'm not ready to hear the truth.

I guess the worst thing is that it's not just sex. Until recently, I didn't think it was sex at all. It's much worse than that. I think my girlfriend has fallen in love with Effy.