Disclaimer: I own nothing though it doesn't stop me from wishing that I did...
A/N: Some characters may seem OOC but that is intentional for the overall plot - try to ignore it to the best of your ability. After all, I'm not Arthur Conan Doyle nor Steven Moffat, Mark Gatiss or Stephen Thompson. I try my best to keep the characters in character though it doesn't always work out.
This is also a birthday one-shot to my beta and right-handed woman, Lady of the Shards. Seriously, nothing would ever been done without her, she is my sounding board who I bounce ideas off of and she helps me filter my story ideas, so this is my token of appreciation to her. Happy Birthday Shards!
Beta: Not beta'd by anyone other than me as this is a birthday one-shot surprise for my usual beta.
A Lesson in How to Stop a Phone Tap
"I can't stand it anymore!" said Lestrade, Friday night in the pub with John, firmly setting down his drink.
"What's that?" said John taking a sip of his beer and looking over at Lestrade.
"Mycroft bloody Holmes tapping my phone," said Lestrade, taking a vicious bite of one of his chips as if the chip had done him a grave injustice.
John snorted and said, "So I'm not the only one?"
Lestrade looked over at him and said, "Mycroft taps your phone too?"
John snorted again and said, "Wrong Holmes."
"Sherlock?" asked Lestrade, shocked.
"Right in one," said John, nodding his head.
"Why?" asked Lestrade, confused. "I mean, I can kind of understand why Mycroft taps my phone but why does Sherlock tap yours?"
John shook his head and said, "Why does Sherlock do anything?"
Lestrade paused with his drink halfway to his mouth before he said, "Point." He took a drink.
They sat in silence eating chips and drinking, ignoring the game on the telly.
After a moment, John got an idea and said, "What if we gave them a reason not to tap our phones anymore?"
"What?" asked Lestrade, looking at John, somewhat confused. How would they do that?
John looked around the pub, trying to see if he could spot any of Mycroft's or Sherlock's agents and said, "What if we did something, when they were both listening in, that caused them to stop tapping our phones for good?"
Lestrade looked around the pub as well and said, "What did you have in mind?"
John grinned and started to explain his idea – which caused Lestrade to grin as well.
"This week is looking up. I can tell," said Lestrade finishing his drink and ordering another one.
"Just wait until it actually happens," said John taking another drink, grinning.
A week later…
"Sherlock, we need milk!" said John, more like yelled, to Sherlock, who was laying on the couch, from the kitchen.
"Boring. Didn't you just get milk yesterday?" said Sherlock, who was in his thinking pose with his eyes shut still lying on the couch.
John closed his eyes as if praying for patience and said, "I did but apparently it's all gone today."
Sherlock was silent for a moment before he said, somewhat lazily, "Oh yeah, I used it in an experiment. You don't mind, do you?"
John closed his eyes and clenched his fist, still praying for patience. It wasn't helping today. "You couldn't have mentioned it earlier when I was out?"
"Why would I?" asked Sherlock, still not moving from his position on the couch.
John tried to remind himself that it was against the law to kill flat mates.
"Am I interrupting?" asked a voice from the doorway.
Sherlock's eyes snapped open and, quite viciously, he said, "Yes, Mycroft. Now get out."
"No," said John pulling on his jacket. "I was just going out for some milk."
"I would be happy to –" started Mycroft but John interrupted him.
"No. I need the air. I'll be back in a few," said John and he left before either Holmes could stop him.
Sherlock stared at his brother who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and said, "Do you always have to chase my friends away?"
Mycroft raised his eyebrow higher at his brother's tone and line of conversation and said, "Dear brother, I'm not the one chasing anyone away this time. Would it kill you to save the good doctor some milk once in a while?"
"How's the diet? Eat any cake lately?" asked Sherlock instead.
Mycroft stared at his brother and said, "Must you be so petty?"
Sherlock turned on his side on the couch so that his back was to Mycroft.
Mycroft sighed and sat himself down in Sherlock's chair, knowing it would irritate Sherlock further.
They sat in silence for a good ten to fifteen minutes before Mycroft said, "I've got a case for you to look at."
"I can't possibly. I'm bu-" Sherlock started before he cut himself off at the noise coming from his laptop on the desk.
He got up, literally walked over the coffee table to get to it, and looked at it. He pushed several keys on the board before he put on a pair of headphones, which he only let cover one ear, in case someone needed him – like Mrs. Hudson.
Mycroft rolled his eyes and said, "For God's sake. What are you tapping John's phone for?"
Sherlock ignored him.
At that moment, Anthea walked in and said, "Sir, we've got a code Alpha Delta Beta Sigma Forty-Nine Dash Acorn."
"Bring the equipment in right away," said Mycroft at once and Anthea nodded and left doing just that.
Once Anthea left, Sherlock asked, "Why are tapping the Detective Inspector's phone for?"
Mycroft ignored him and Anthea and another agent came in with the equipment and set it up quickly.
"Leave," said Mycroft to his agents.
"Sir," said both Anthea and the other agent and then they left.
Mycroft started to listen in on the conversation that Greg Lestrade was having with the unknown person.
"- have to buy milk," the person was saying.
Mycroft turned to his brother and said, "Why didn't you say John was talking to the Detective Inspector."
Sherlock just looked at his brother and Mycroft shook his head. Sometimes his brother could be childish.
Mycroft tuned back into the conversation.
"What did he do with the milk you bought yesterday?" asked Lestrade, sounding curious.
John snorted and said, "He said he used it in an experiment. I'm starting to think he has a milk fetish myself."
Mycroft let out a chuckle before blanking his face though Sherlock still shot a dirty look in his direction.
Lestrade let out a laugh at that and said, "I really doubt he has a milk fetish but as long as he isn't making any bombs with the milk, I think we're good."
Sherlock shot his brother a triumphant look before he continued to listen.
"I definitely won't tell him that or else he'll try," said John and there was the sound of him shaking his head.
Lestrade laughed again. Then there was the sound of him getting up and closing his office door and locking it before he spoke again. "Listen John, I know it's out of your way but could you do me a favor?"
"Sure thing, mate," said John, cheerfully.
"Can you stop by my house and," said Lestrade pausing and there was the sound of him holding the phone between his shoulder and ear as he struggled to take off his jacket.
"Yes," said John and his voice sounded odd to both Sherlock and Mycroft. It sounded breathy.
There was the sound now of Lestrade loosening his tie and Mycroft leaned in closer to his equipment.
"Can you stop by my house and," said Lestrade pausing again to take off his tie completely and unbutton the first button of his collar. Sherlock wondered when unbuttoning a shirt became so noisy.
"Yes," repeated John and he sounded even more breathy to Mycroft and Sherlock.
Sherlock now leaned in closer to his computer as well, unconsciously copying his older brother.
"Can you stop by my house and," said Lestrade for a third time before continuing, "strip down until you're wearing nothing, lay in my bed and talk dirty to me while you touch yourself."
Mycroft's eyebrows immediately rose high at that sentence and Sherlock almost knocked over his computer in an effort to turn up the sound sure he heard wrong.
"Mmm, Greg," said John, and its sounded both breathy and moan-like to Mycroft and Sherlock alike. They didn't like it one bit.
"Say my name again like that, John," said Lestrade in a husky, commanding voice.
"Mmm, Greg," repeated John, just like before.
"Will you do that for me, John?" asked Lestrade. "One moan for yes, two for no."
John moaned once.
"How far away from my house are you?" asked Lestrade.
Mycroft and Sherlock could only sit there and listen to the conversation in a horrified fascination, unable to do anything to turn it off. Their minds seemed frozen.
"I'm almost there. There's a shop closer to your house that has a better price on milk," explained John.
Mycroft started a trace on Lestrade's phone, certain that Lestrade was messing around with him, having somehow discovered the tap on his line.
"That's good, John. You know where I keep the spare key," said Lestrade.
"Ye-" started John.
"One moan for yes, two for no," reminded Lestrade.
John moaned once more.
"Excellent," said Lestrade and there was the sound of clothes ruffling, as if more were coming off.
Mycroft looked down when the trace was complete and Sherlock looked over at him, knowing what he was doing. Mycroft shook his head slightly in his brother's direction. Lestrade was still at Scotland Yard.
There was silence for a few minutes except for heavy breathing over the line while John and Lestrade both waited for John to get where he was going.
"Are you there yet?" asked Lestrade and he sounded somewhat impatient.
John moaned once.
There was the sound of a car door opening, a cab probably thought both Sherlock and Mycroft, before the sound of John walking up the front steps was heard followed by the sounds of him searching for the key, unlocking a front door and stepping into the house.
Heavy breathing was the next sound Mycroft and Sherlock heard for the next minute.
"You remember where my room is right?"
John moaned once again.
Mycroft and Sherlock leaned back in each of their chairs in shock. When did this relationship develop and how did they each miss it? How long had it been going on? They each refused to acknowledge what others would call jealousy start to burn in their stomachs.
"John," groaned out Lestrade. "Strip."
There was the sound of the phone being put down and what sounded like clothes being taken off.
"Are you almost finished?" asked Lestrade, breathing hard.
John moaned twice.
"John," groaned out Lestrade.
"Almost done," grunted John out.
Mycroft and Sherlock heard the sound of heavy breathing through their equipment and computer respectively as they waited to hear what happened next, still unable to turn off their listening devices.
"Are you laying on your back on my bed?" asked Lestrade.
John moaned once.
"Start talking," command Lestrade.
John did.
Oh God did he. He put his medical and curse word repertoire to good use too.
Mycroft and Sherlock had to avoid looking at each other, due to the blush that each was wearing due to, in part, what John was saying and Lestrade's reactions.
Thirty long minutes later, according to Mycroft and Sherlock, John and Lestrade were finished. There was the sound of heavy breathing and panting coming from each of Mycroft's and Sherlock's listening devices.
After a few minutes later, Lestrade said, "I'll see you later tonight then, right?"
"Yes. Same time and place?" asked John.
Lestrade moaned once this time.
"See you then, Greg," said John and Sherlock could tell that John was grinning.
John and Lestrade hung up the phone and Mycroft and Sherlock sat in the silence of the flat, staring blankly at their equipment and computer, thinking.
At Lestrade's House…
Outside in a cab, John, fully dressed as he had been the entire time, hung up his mobile looking satisfied with himself before he turned to the cabbie and said, "I'm real sorry about that."
"Hey, no problem mate. You actually gave me ideas to try with my boyfriend," said the cabbie, grinning at John.
"Right," said John, a little uncomfortably and handing over the money that was prearranged before John called Lestrade. "Would it be too much trouble for you to drop me off at Scotland Yard now and not to mention this to anyone?"
"No problem, mate," said the cabbie accepting the money and pulling away into the traffic to take John to the Scotland Yard.
The cabbie made good time and John arrived at Scotland Yard ten minutes after he hung up his mobile. John got out of the cab, paid the cabbie, who nodded his head and tipped his hat at John, walked into Scotland Yard and headed straight for Greg Lestrade's office.
Back at Baker Street…
Sherlock and Mycroft were both sitting in the same position still, trying to sort through everything that they had just heard on their listening devices.
After a moment, Mycroft came to decision, pulled out his mobile phone, pushed a number and said into it after it was answered, "Anthea, cancel code Alpha Delta Beta Sigma Forty-Nine Dash Acorn." He hung up after getting confirmation.
There was another moment of silence between the two brothers before Mycroft, still not looking at his brother said, "I suggest you not tap John's phone any more either, Sherlock."
Sherlock made a noise of acknowledgement while he nodded his head with a pensive look on his face.
"I need to go out," said Sherlock still staring at his computer.
Mycroft sighed and said, "Where on earth do you need to go after overhearing a conversation like that?"
"Scotland Yard," said Sherlock, standing up.
Mycroft stood up as well and said, "Why there?"
Sherlock didn't answer as he pulled on his coat and scarf.
Finally, Sherlock and Mycroft looked at each other in the eye and Sherlock asked, "Coming?"
"If only to keep you from injuring the good Detective Inspector," said Mycroft after giving Sherlock a look, pulling his own coat on. There was another significant pause of silence between them before Mycroft said softly, "I told you to say something to him before he became unavailable again."
Sherlock scowled at his brother and said, somewhat angrily, "If you recall, I told you the same thing!"
Sherlock and Mycroft didn't say another word to each other as Mycroft picked up his umbrella and they headed out of the flat.
"Scotland Yard," Mycroft told his driver when they got outside and Sherlock slide into the car before him.
"Yes, sir," said the driver, still holding the door open.
"Up front, Anthea," said Mycroft.
"Yes, sir," said Anthea, moving to the front of the car.
Mycroft got in the car and the driver shut the door, getting in the car himself after that, starting it and heading towards Scotland Yard.
Mycroft and Sherlock rode in silence, not speaking a word to the other, lost in their own thoughts.
They arrived at Scotland Yard twenty minutes later and Sherlock barely waited for his brother to get out of the car before he got out.
Sherlock headed inside with Mycroft keeping pace with him, walking beside him – Mycroft Holmes, after all, follows no one.
They arrived at Lestrade's office in five minutes, no one daring to stop them with the determined look the both of them were wearing.
Sherlock opened the door, a scathing remark on the tip of his tongue solely for Detective Inspector Lestrade, when he caught sight of the other person in the office.
John was sitting in a chair across from Lestrade, just talking when they both looked towards the door when Sherlock and Mycroft burst in unannounced.
Sherlock closed his mouth, taking in the scene and coming to a conclusion of what happened in the past hour, as did Mycroft who closed the door and locked the door Sherlock had just burst through.
John and Lestrade both knew what he and Mycroft were doing to their phones and set them up and it was either dumb luck or John's planning that Mycroft happened to be in the flat with him when they decided to teach them a lesson, as it were, as to why Mycroft and Sherlock shouldn't be tapping their phones. It was rather impressive.
The rest of their plot was just details really since Sherlock had more important things on his mind right now and this wasn't a case. Besides, John would help him figure it out later.
Right now, though, Sherlock pulled John out of his seat and shoved John against the wall, their faces inches away from each other.
They stayed that way for a few minutes before John said, "Stop tapping my phone, you idiot. You won't get jealous next time."
Sherlock stared at him for a moment before he said, "I'm not jealous."
"No?" asked John, shaking his head slightly.
"No," said Sherlock simply staring at John.
"Then stop tapping my phone. You'll never know when you'll hear something unexpected," said John.
Sherlock continued to stare at John for a moment before he said, "Done." He then kissed John. Hard.
"Well, that was unexpected," said Lestrade.
Mycroft looked at Lestrade with an unreadable look in his eye and said, "You think so?"
"Well, I know there is an office pool going on about when they'll get together but I didn't actually think they felt that way about each other," said Lestrade, staring at Mycroft, trying to give Sherlock and John their privacy, unsure of what to make of the look he was giving him. He then frowned thoughtfully before he said, "I wonder who won."
Sherlock and John ignored their conversation.
Lestrade turned to Mycroft and said, "So are you going to stop tapping my phone too?"
Mycroft didn't answer the question but said, "Good day, Detective Inspector Lestrade." He then left.
Lestrade just shook his head in exasperation.