REFLECTION
It seemed that I spent most of my life locked in my own mind. I stood staring at my reflection in the mirror not sure if I liked what was staring back. To anyone else, any other girl, this would be the happiest day of their life, yet I was tentative and withdrawn. I heard a light tapping on the door and looked up trying to brace myself for what was sure to follow.
"Yes," I said hesitantly.
The door opened almost soundlessly and Alice slid next to me pausing as she looked at my expression. I knew she was almost breathless waiting for permission to be excited. I looked at her through the mirror and could not help laughing. That one laugh was all it took for Alice to relax and talk in her rushed way so that I had to listen to keep up with her and even though Marriage was not as important to me as it was to either Edward or Alice I could not help smiling and laughing.
In fact as I took one more look in the mirror I was almost in awe of the way I looked in the dress. The antique lace hung perfectly across my body and I was surprised by the beauty. It was not just the beauty of the dress but also the way it made me look. I guess if I was going to enter this life that it should be appropriate that the dress should hold a sort of magic and let me see a little of what Edward must see. I don't know if this was true, but I hoped that the girl I was looking at and her beauty was part of what tied Edward to her. Even in my head it seemed silly that I should almost be jealous of this reflection, after all I was just looking at myself. I looked up to see Alice staring intently at me.
"Oh, I'm sorry I was just a little caught up in my thoughts," I said.
Alice smiled and said "Your mom is on her way back here. Do you want me to leave for a moment?"
The look of absolute horror on my face gave Alice my answer without me even speaking and she settled into a chair in the corner of the room.
"Bella? Bella?" I heard my mother's voice before I heard the knock on the door. This knock was much louder and almost frantic.
I had gone through so much in the last two years, yet I gulped and try to regain some composure as I waited for what was sure to follow.
"Yes Mom?" I said quietly.
She did not wait for an invitation, but opened the door and the noise in comparison to Alice seemed almost deafening. I braced myself and waited for all the things I was sure my mother was going to say, but she just paused and took in the reflection I had just spent the last 20 minutes staring at.
Maybe I should have been relieved, but her silence seemed to have me on edge much more than the words I knew were soon to come.
I waited patiently and stole a glance in Alice's direction but she gave me no help as she was noiselessly flipping through a magazine and seemed intent on giving me a little bit of privacy.
I looked back at my mom, tears were rolling down her cheek and she was crying.
"Mom?" I asked cautiously not sure what to expect in her response.
"Oh Bella..." she said. Now I was sure that I was going to get the lecture I had been waiting for yet she just stared with the tears continuing to roll down her cheek.
"Mom, don't cry. I know that this is not what you wanted for me, but it is exactly what I want and what I need." I said breathlessly.
"Isabella Swan!" She said in that voice that all mothers use when they are frustrated or they want you to know you are wrong. "I want whatever makes you happy. I know that you have always been the one to think things through carefully and I should have never made you think that marriage is horrible. It is just that it was not right for me and not fair to Charlie. I rushed into my decision, as you know I always do. This day.. This decision is yours to make and I will not hold you back with my prejudice regarding my own mistakes." as she said this I turned to face her. She smiled and grabbed me before I had a chance to turn away and hugged me like I was three years old all over again.
I could only imagine what Alice was thinking in the corner. I looked at her as I was stuck in my mother's embrace and she was giggling. I glared at her trying to seem incredulous, but I only made her laugh harder.
I sighed and my mother loosened her grip and backed away. She smiled and I told her "Go let Charlie know I 'll be ready in a few minutes and that we can start."
She nodded and stood there for another moment before she added "You look magical today Bella."
I watched her as she left the room and then Alice was back at my side hugging me and rushing her words as she tried to convey how wonderful this all was. I almost said something really sarcastic, but I decided that smiling was better. She looked at me once more as she left out the door to wait for the music to begin...
I followed behind her and met Charlie in the hallway. He looked so cute in his new suit, much better than the one I had seen him in on the only other occasion where a suit was needed. I gave a big smile to my dad and he looked like he was going to be sick.
"Bella?" he said.
"Yeah Dad?" I said.
"You are beautiful.." he said quietly.
I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. I almost panicked, but then just said "Ah Dad you know we both don't do well with tears."
He looked at me and smiled.. "Bella, I'm going to miss you."
"I'm going miss you too dad. I love you dad." and I leaned over and hugged him. My dad's grip became tighter as he held me close to him. I could sense the urgency in his embrace as if he would not see me for a long time and though in normal circumstances this would not be true I felt almost guilty to do this to him, to my mom. There was a feeling of sadness at this thought mingled with excitement because I knew what I could not live without. I knew what lay ahead for me and I was eager to embrace it.
My dad's arms loosened and he held his elbow out to me as the music started. I beamed as I realized that the music Alice had picked for me was my own personal lullaby.
I walked forward thinking of all the times I had heard this song and could not help but smile. My eyes met his and remained locked in his stare. He was still easily the most beautiful being in the world. I was in his world, his element. This was where his future was always meant to be; he just had to wait 100 years to find me.
I had never seen him happier and it gave my heart a jolt just to know that I was making him as happy as he made me. For one small moment I felt like everything was equal and there was a feeling of sameness. For all of my hesitancy toward this day I finally let myself feel the joy of the moment.
As I approached him I really had to suppress the giggle that was trying to burst to the surface. "Edward... I thought to myself , you remembered." Some of our original plan was still intact because there before me was Emmett, ready to officiate in our ceremony and bind us together in the most human of ways.
The day went by faster than I had expected it to and before I realized it I was getting ready to say goodbye to my parents, my friends, and soon to the only existence I had ever known.
The car was packed and the last guest had gone. I walked down the steps with Edward's hand in mine and smiled shyly. I think that my face was red, as my thoughts jumped ahead and I continued to blush... I looked up at Edward but he was frozen and still.
"He's waiting for you" he stated in his calm monotone voice. This was the voice that always put me on edge but today I was lost in my own thoughts.
"Hmm... who?" I asked wistfully thinking only of tonight. I glanced up again and watched as Edward remained perfectly still staring intently into the dense forest.
"Oh!" I muttered as I realized who he was referring to. "Crap, Crap, Crap..." Why was he there. What was he doing. I did not want to see him today. I did not need to see the pain in his eyes today. Not today. How could he do this to me.
"What does he want?" I whispered and could not hide the irritation in my voice.
"He wants to talk... he wants to remind you that you still have options... Edwards voice drifted at the end.
"What!?" I don't have options... I chose my path. What is he thinking? My mind was racing again as I thought of our last conversation, as I thought of the moment that I saw a different future... He referred to Edward as my drug, but I had a better understanding of what werewolf imprinting actually felt like. Edward was not my drug. I was altered, as was he, and we would always only belong to each other.
I looked up into Edward's eyes searching them, hoping that there would be no pain in them. They looked like they were somewhere far away and he could not hide behind them.. He was in pain. Now I was angry, because I promised myself that I would not be the cause of his pain ever again. "Edward," I said hesitantly.
He looked down at me waiting...
"I promised myself that I would never do this, but I need to explain to you why I am sure of my choice and why there are no other options." I reached out my hand for his and motioned for him to follow me to the porch.
I sat down and he followed. I wanted him to pull me in closely, but he sat farther away than I liked. I scooted my body close to him and leaned against his chest. Only then did he put his arms around me and I sighed deeply. Now with his arms around me I could explain..
"Bella?" he said waiting for what was to follow and as always getting a little impatient at his inability to hear my thoughts
I took a deep breath and began "I know that you have an idea of what I looked like when Sam found me. You even have an idea based on what Alice knew after she talked to my father of how my life was... my voice drifted a little as I tried to hold it together. Even though he was sitting here next to me going back was difficult. Remembering that time was painful for me still and here I was about to inflict this pain onto Edward so that he would know that I was his forever and that he would always be mine. Edward leaned forward and rested his cheek on my head. It felt like he was holding me together like I had tried to do so many times when he was away. "Edward you need to know that I was broken in a million pieces after you left and until I heard your voice in Port Angeles I was for all intents and purposes dead... I continued to live my life but I was numb. I was a zombie. Your voice is what brought me back to life.. It was what I lived for... I would do anything for that voice, your voice."
I paused as I became trapped in my own mind once more. He had to know. They both needed to know that my choice was clear. I wanted to scream into the forest and tell him to go away, to tell him that I did not love him, but that would be a lie and I would be inflicting more pain on Jacob and I could not bear that either.
"I have already explained what ends I went through to hear the echo of your voice... my actions, my decisions, my choices reached a critical point that led you to believe I was lost. And then I was there saving you and finally feeling whole all over again.
I still did not trust that you loved me and although I was
happy to be with you, in my mind I believed that I would soon have to start all over again without you. I didn't care. It didn't matter because I could finally breath again and I would take whatever pain I was sure to follow. Even when I was sure that we would both perish at the hands of the Volturi, I was glad to be there. The pain I saw in your eyes in Italy... with Jane, it is the same pain I see now and it has to stop... I cannot bear it any longer, not now, not when I am happier than I have ever been."
I paused, again lost in my thoughts, trying to think of anything that would reassure. It was then that I looked up at Edward. He met my gaze with such passion that my breathing became uneven. I lifted my head toward his to meet his lips and became dizzy as he began to trace my mouth with his. I could feel his breathing increase as he whispered with his lips still tracing mine "Bella, there is no need for anymore explanations..." His kissing became ferevent and yet gentle at the same time. It was only then that I began to relax because I felt that he understood what I had been trying to say, he would not doubt me again. When we finally pulled apart from each we sat staring and I could almost imagine the moisture that would have been present in his liquid gold eyes. I was confused by his expression. There was no more pain, and yet his expression made me feel as if he were crying.
"Edward, I grimaced as I asked, What..? my voice trembled. "What is wrong?
He smiled his crooked smile that I loved so much and said "That is exactly it Bella, nothing is wrong. My love, my life, my soul... Everything is right. I have never felt so complete in my entire existence..." His voice drifted at the end as he looked into the forest once again. "Do you need to tell him? I will wait right here if you do." He said with a voice more peaceful than I had ever heard.
I looked up at him and smiled as I said "Edward Cullen I love you more than you can comprehend, although you would probably argue that that is not the case. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for being willing to give him what you hoped he would have given you if the roles were reversed. I have nothing more to say to Jacob that I have not already said. I will not look into his eyes tonight and see his pain. I am at peace now. I am Bella Cullen now and forever and there are no more options." As I said these last words I heard Jacob cry in pain and I knew that he had heard. There was no need for another conversation. He understood. I felt his pain, but this time I had no inclination to make it better. I knew that it would not change anything I couldn't take it away. He would always carry this pain with him.
Edward looked at me hesitantly. "If you think I want you to go get him so I can talk to him, your wrong! I am done talking about this, Edward. Now it is time that you and I begin our life together." I gave him one more soft kiss and stood up and held out my hand. Edward chuckled as he watched my face turn red and heard my heart begin to beat wildly. We walked hand in hand to the car. Edward, always the gentleman, opened the door and as I looked up I saw my family standing on the porch waving to us. I grinned shyly and waved back. We were finally on our way.