This story is inspired by "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance. This is a response to a challenge set by Kiwi2012.
Remembering
It had been 16 years since that fateful day and Severus was sitting in his office remembering everything that had happened when they had been friends at school. He always pretended he was fine, that he didn't mind her being with him, that everything was as it should be. It wasn't.
As he sat in his office that night he had a glass of wine in his hand and three empty wine bottles on the floor at his feet. He had to find some way to drown out the pain. He had loved her then and he loved her now and it was his fault she was no longer alive. He sighed, downing the glass in one and getting another bottle out of the cupboard.
He poured himself another glass and took his wallet out and looked at the picture of them together. He felt a tear in his eye and wanted nothing more than to see her, be with her, and hold her. He knew it was too late for that now though. He had lost her the day he had called her a mudblood. He hadn't even meant it.
He knew he owed her everything he had but he couldn't give it to her so he had to give it all to Harry, despite seeing James every time he looked at him. James; the one man Severus really couldn't stand. He sighed again, drinking the glass he had in his hand and looking at the photograph again. He had refused to be with anyone else, even to this day.
His line of thoughts was interrupted by a knock at the door. He hurriedly put the photo away and moved the wine bottles out of site before opening the door to see Harry standing there.
"Yes, Mr Potter?" he asked, hoping he couldn't tell he had been drinking. As he said Potter his heart lurched. He hated the sound of that word. No, not hated, despised.
"Professor Dumbledore asked me to come and see you…" he replied, smelling the alcohol on Severus's breath.
"For any reason in particular?" Severus asked, turning away from Harry and moving some of the Potions containers on his desk so as not to have to look at him and so that Harry wouldn't notice the sadness in his eyes..
"Apparently you wanted to see me for something…" Harry said, looking rather confused that the Potions Master didn't know what he had asked to see him for.
Severus realised Albus had wanted them to talk, "I wanted to see you about your Potions homework a few months ago… Perhaps he has only now remembered to tell you?" Severus asked, glancing up at Harry.
"Perhaps…" Harry had noticed the pain in Severus's eyes and said "So… do you want to see me or not?"
"No it doesn't matter now. Go back to the parties downstairs," he replied, sadness evident in his voice.
"Ok Professor…" Harry replied, noticing the sadness in the Potion Master's eyes as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Severus could no longer hold back the tears and he fell into his chair crying uncontrollably. It was his fault Harry Potter didn't have a mother or a father; despite how much he hated James Potter he wished he was alive at that moment.
He knew that if James had been alive he would have forgiven him just to be friends with Lily, just to see her again, just to have an ounce of happiness again. He knew it was too late for any of that now and the tears were flowing unstoppably down his cheeks. He knew Albus would come to his room shortly but he decided then he didn't want to speak to him.
In fact he didn't want to speak to anyone. He just wanted to be left alone. He just wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and go to sleep, never waking up again. He knew he couldn't do that though as he had to save Harry. He had done an appalling job at saving his parents, the least he could do was save him. Save him for Lily's sake. And if it meant dying in the meantime, so be it. He had nothing left to live for any more.
He downed another couple of glasses of wine before forcing himself to stop crying and stop thinking about the past. He knew he should be over it by now but he most certainly wasn't and probably would never be. He tidied up the mess he had made with the wine bottles and washed his glass, placing it on the draining board. He then set about making Remus's Wolfsbane, knowing that without it he would be in a lot of pain.
As he made the Wolfsbane he thought about the time James had saved him from the werewolf and sighed, wishing that he hadn't bothered if his life was going to turn out like this.
He was no longer crying but the sadness was still evident in his eyes. He knew he had to try and hide it before Albus arrived. After all if he knew he wasn't okay he would probably want one of those talks that he thought were so helpful. All they ever really did was made things worse.
There was a knock at the door and he sighed, getting up and opening it to let the Headmaster in.
"Severus, are you alright? Harry said you looked close to tears when he came down here…" Albus said, noticing the empty wine bottles beside the bin.
"I'm okay now," he replied, stirring the potion a few times. He noticed the uncertainty in Albus' eyes and said "I mean it, Albus. I'm okay." His mind was screaming at him, saying he wasn't okay at all and that he was far from fine. However, he just smiled at Albus and continued making the Potion, knowing he would spend the rest of his life like this, alone and scared and always not okay.