Author's Note: I am fully aware of Deidara's verbal tic (the "un" or "hm" that he tacks on to the end of nearly every statement) and I'm aware that some scanlators translate this as "yeah," but I have chosen not to do so. Like Naruto's "dattebayo," Deidara's "un" doesn't have an actual translation. It's just what I called it -- a verbal tic, nothing more. To translate into "yeah" makes Deidara sound rather valley-girl, to me. It just doesn't sound like the Deidara I know. And while it's cute to put "un" in fanart and in cameo appearances in crackfics, in a fic that's attempting to be somewhat serious I find it distracting. So, just as I do with Naruto in any fics I include him in, I have chosen to not include the verbal tic in this fic. Most fansubbers don't bother to call the tic out in fansubs anyway, so it's not like it's vitally important, it's just part of his character.

This fic may be considered a spoiler of a sort, if you haven't read the manga. While it takes place before the end of the Time-Skip, and therefore before the Rescue Gaara arc, I do reference some material brought up in flashbacks in later chapters. So consider this a warning of potential spoilers. Of couse, there's also a lot of creative license being taken, so, again, take it with a grain of salt, and consider it potentially spoilerific.

In the interest of remaining relatively safe for most ages and most readers, I'm chosing to keep the more severe expletives untranslated. I'm including a small lexicon at the end of the story, for easy reference, though if you're a regular fan, you're probably already aware of what certain words mean.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "Naruto" or its characters, and am not making any profit -- nor do I wish to make any profit -- off of this. It all belongs to the incomparable Masashi Kishimoto-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this amazing world. This is completely non-profit fanfiction, written just for fun.

"Not Again!"

Chikusho!

They're at it again!

Ugh, that's so annoying. Even after all this time, it still creeps me the hell out when they start acting like they want to talk or something. I mean, they have tongues, yes, and teeth (exactly why, I don't have any idea, since they have no need to chew anything) but they don't have larynxes, so they can't actually talk. That doesn't stop them from behaving like they have minds of their own though.

I'm not even sure how I came to have these two extra mouths on my hands. Would you believe me if I told you I don't remember? Frankly, I don't even remember ever not having them, and yet I've always known they're not normal.

They sure make writing hard too, by the way. They love to lick the writing instrument, which can completely screw up your handwriting. I've pretty much become ambidexterous because of them. The left one has a penchant for biting things when it gets bored, too.

But enough about that. I've adapted these two mouths for use in combat, of course. They're good for that. The left one in particular seems to relish it (I think it's got a biting fixation, so it likes to eat the clay). Since I'm from Iwagakure, I'm an artist, and I create by sculpting. Pein-sama hasn't carved that out of me yet (and I suppose he won't, so long as I use my art the way he conscripted me to, which is the way I love to use it best anyway).

"Who is Pein-sama?" I hear you ask. He's our Okashira. Our Leader. I've only seen him face-to-face five times in the years I've been a member of Akatsuki. He's capable of communicating with all of us simultaneously at a distance, and when he needs all of us together for power, he's taught us a technique that enables us to cast our likenesses to a single spot that he designates. So we don't usually have to be in each other's presence, except in serious circumstances. Which is good, I suppose, because we don't get along very well. I mean, I have no problems with Sasori no danna, and I know Kisame no danna has no troubles with his partner, but there's that new upstart, I forget his name, the religious one. He's with Kakuzu no danna. He's a real piece of work, that one. He sasses even Pein-sama! I swear he's going to get his head clobbered in, though the fact that he's survived this long working with Kakuzu no danna proves he's tough.

So, yeah, the duos get along pretty well, as far as I can tell, a testament to Pein-sama and Konan no danna's talents at pairing us up. But things can get explosive if we're in close quarters for any length of time. That upstart gets on my nerves, and I know he annoys Kisame no danna's partner too.

Speaking of Kisame no danna, the one with the giant sword and assloads of chakra to spare, he's pretty cool. Quite easy going. He likes to tease me about my palm-mouths whenever our paths cross. (I try not to cross paths with them often, though, because Kisame no danna's working partner is the one person I can't stand above all others.) Sasori no danna usually just harumphs and demands that I hurry the hell up, because he hates waiting. I've tried asking Sasori no danna if he doesn't like Itachi-san, but he never replies.

Damn.

I digress. Sorry about that. I tend to do that. Next time I digress just slap me.

Wait. I'm talking to myself. Okay, ignore the banter. I'm not making any sense.

Right, okay. All jokes aside. What was I talking about?

The other Akatsuki?

Are you sure that's what I was talking about?

Oh, I'll take your word for it. Let's see. I already mentioned Pein-sama, Kisame no danna and Itachi-san, Kakuzu no danna and his idiot partner. And my partner is Sasori no danna, the other artist here. (There's nothing remotely artistic about Kisame no danna or Itachi-san, and Kakuzu no danna thinks art is too expensive to make and not pricey enough to sell, hence a waste of time. His partner? Too religious to care.) There's also... um. Well there's Konan no danna. She's kind of artistic. She makes things with paper. She's also pretty bloody arrogant. Though, I suppose when you're good enough to be Pein-sama's working partner, you can afford to be a bit cocky. And she's good at what she does, I hear. What that is, I'm not sure. I've only seen her face-to-face twice. She's kind of unnerving, really.

Sasori no danna and I tend to argue about what art really is when we're travelling. It whiles away the hours, after all. And now with my new orders, I'm going to be travelling across a desert, so I guess I'll get to hear more about it. Also, I think Sasori no danna is from Sunagakure, so maybe I'll be able to see more of his so-called art in action.

Art...

Damn, you idiot! I wasn't talking about the other Akatsuki, I was talking about my art!

What?

You didn't ask me about my art, you asked me about Pein-sama? Well, I told you, didn't I? I don't know much about him, I don't know what all he can do in a fight. He's got those creepy eyes that make me think they're even more powerful than Itachi-san's.

"Where's he from?" I hear you ask. Why does that matter anyway? He's the Leader, he doesn't actually go out and fight unless comissioned by whoever it is that's paying for all this crap. He's the one who holds us all together, so why do you care about him?

This story's about me, right? ME.

Okay then.

Why are you still bugging me about the others?

"Just do it, Deidara. Stop making them wait."

Great. You got Sasori no danna's attention.

Okay, fine. There's one who's in absentia. His name is... er... Okara... Oka.. Ora... chikusho, I can't remember now.

"Orochimaru, you idiot. He used snakes, hence his name."

Orochimaru? Oh, yeah. Well, he was before my time. He was Sasori no danna's partner before me. Sasori no danna doesn't tell me anything about what he was like as a partner, but I hear he left because he got jilted by Itachi-san.

"..."

Or something.

"What about Tobi?" you ask. Wait a tick... How the hell do you know about that little twerp? He's not one of us, he just works for Zetsu-san. I don't know what the hell he even does for Zetsu-san, but that doesn't really matter, he just works for the plant-man.

Okay, that's everyone. Now can we talk about my art?

Okay, so what I usually do is take the clay, have the palms ingest some, and inject explosive chakra into it. My two elements are fire and earth, so I can totally make stuff go "Kaboom." I mean, Art is a blast, right? And then I form it into little sculptures, I've gotten really good at that, and I can make them grow or shrink, and then when I say "Katsu"---

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey!

HEY!!

Chikusho!

Not again. Why does everyone walk away from me when I'm talking about my art?

Argh, now the tongues are trying to lick me again. This is so creepy.

Well, I have a Jinchuuriki to capture, so I'd better get going.

Lexicon:
"chikusho" is an expletive on par with and relatively equal to the "F-word" or "F-bomb". According to Japanese Street Slang by Peter Constantine (C) 1992, ISBN 0-8348-0250-3, it is considered to be the strongest and worst word in the language. However, unlike the "F-word," it is not considered inappropriate to say it even in polite surroundings -- as long as you only mutter it to yourself. I have noticed that in anime it is rarely said aloud -- it is usually used during a character's thoughts. Since this story is largely told as from Deidara's very thoughts, I felt it more appropriate to leave the word untranslated, since "chikusho" appears to not be quite as alarming as "fuck."