Disclaimer:Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Jaden was leaning against the kitchen counters in the mess-hall, sipping a cup of coffee and looking slightly alarmed, as Kasumi was running back and forth between the Port Observation and crew deck, each time coming back with more and more Christmas decorations. She was followed by a skeptical Legion, entangled in fairy lights and other Santa Claus, deer and snowmen ornaments. Shepard snorted at the sight and was interrupted by Kasumi calling her out, saying "Shep! Here, tonight, 20:00. Christmas celebration with all the crew! I hope you like surprises too!" with the usual smirk she wore on her face.
Shepard's eyes went wide and before she could say something, like how this was still her ship and she was still the one to take the big decisions –because let's be honest, a Christmas celebration is in the "big decisions" box for someone, like Shepard, who tends to be grumpy during festivities - Kasumi was invading the Main battery, startling Garrus who was, of course, in the middle of some calibration. Before he knew it, he was wearing a reindeer headband, much to the thief's delight, who clapped her hands together and offered to the puzzled Turian and Geth, her brightest smile.
Before Kasumi decided to do something stupid, like torture Shepard with all these cute and fluffy and red and snowy abominations, Jaden threw her half empty cup of coffee in the garbage and ran away as fast as she could. She wanted to be angry at her friend for bringing Christmas into her neat and safe cocoon, away from humanity, away from Mindoir, but how was it possible to be mad at this little ball of energy and joviality?
As Shepard was making her way to her quarters, memories of winter holidays on Mindoir rushed into her mind and still managed to crush her heart. It was the first Christmas she would celebrate since losing her family. Now leaning against the cold walls of the elevator, she huffed loudly, fighting off the tears with a smile, and started remembering the beautiful and majestic Christmas tree in the living room, the snowball fights she used to have with the other kids of the colony and the sweet smell in the kitchen on Christmas Eve, when her mom took the gingerbread out of the oven. Those were the memories Shepard would always cherish, they were the reason why she kept fighting like she had nothing to lose. She had learned from her parents to always keep her head high and be strong; life never threw an obstacle at you without knowing that deep down, you had the strength to overcome it; this was what Jaden lived by.
You're not going to cry today, you're not going to cry today, she silently repeated herself, until the flow of tears was gone. It was just a Christmas celebration. Nothing bad, or wrong or evil. It was supposed to be a moment of happiness and Shepard was sure that Kasumi's intention had been to take everybody's mind away from the crazy fact that yes, they were going on a suicide mission, under the command of a woman who had come back from the dead. The awkward thought uplifted her a little and she smiled despite the ache in her chest. Maybe it's about time things change, Jaden wondered and sighed. There was a lot of truth in this admittance. Maybe it's about time I just start living again, she pondered, and use my resurrection as a fresh new start? She shook her head, still not convinced by her own suggestions, as the elevator stopped and the doors opened on her deck. She didn't want to be that grumpy and pouting person today, the one who makes everyone uncomfortable and guilty for feeling happy and enjoying some downtime. "What Kasumi planned for tonight can't be that bad, right?" she said out loud, as if to reassure herself, when the loft doors opened and… "What the hell happened in here?" Shepard almost shouted and stood gaping.
For a surprise, this was a huge surprise. There was no doubt the thief had made a detour by the Commander's quarters before getting started on the rest of the Normandy. Shepard slowly made her way into the room, taking in the disaster around her: Green tinsels with big red bows hung all along the fish tank, stickers in the shape of Santa Claus, dancing penguins wearing winter hats and reindeers with big, red noses on the windows; sparkly ornaments were hanging from the bar above the stairs leading to the lower part of the loft. Turning her head around, Shepard noticed figurines of teddy bears dressed up as Santa, holding gifts and greetings, as well as tiny glittering snowflakes and stars spread all over her desk and… to her terror, over her model ships! They all seemed in order so Jaden tried to remain calm and continued her walk in this living nightmare of… overly cute and disturbing things.
Above the bed was a big wreath of surprisingly fresh balsam, holly, red berries, pine cones and small golden bells. Jaden could only admit it looked gorgeous and would have been more than enough in this room; the bed sheets had gone from plain white to dark blue with white snowflakes and smiling pixies. Shepard shook her head in disbelief but smiled inwardly at the awkwardness of her friend's attention. Even now, Shepard still did not have the heart to be mad at Kasumi: friends were supposed to take care of each other and the thief rocked the concept.
Finally sitting at her desk, disbelieving and helpless toward the whole Christmas threat, Shepard noticed an envelope (this old fashion way of communicating could only come from Kasumi) along with a Santa's hat next to it. Opening the letter, Jaden read the message written in an elegant hand-writing:
"Shepard,
First off, don't be mad at me, you know you like the little makeover of your room. I left this Santa's Hat –not for you, I know your limits and do not wish to push them- for your love bird, Joker. You are the only one able to get him to wear it and convince him to join us all tonight.
We all count on you, Commander!
KG
PS: Make good use of this evening and make a move on our sexy helmsman!"
If there was one thing Shepard hated to the core, it was to be vulnerable and so… exposed. There was nothing –to her dismay-between her and Joker and Kasumi still found a way to know how bad of a crush Shepard had on Jeff. Jaden was flushed with both embarrassment and annoyance. Sure, she and the helmsman had grown closer since she had been revived, opening up to each other, in the common understanding of people who belong away from the masses. When she needed downtime, instead of going to her lonely room, she usually sat in the cockpit, next to him, and no words would be shared but at least, there, the silence felt comforting and relaxing. There were also the usual flirty banters they had been sharing since working together on the SSV Normandy and the complicity that had grown since then. Along with the complicity, Jeff had found his way through the walls Shepard had carefully built for so many years and what had first started off as a crush was now… love. "Love." she said, as if to make it more believable, more common. Yet, it was definitely not a common thing in Jaden's world. Love leads to vulnerability and vulnerability leads to destruction, she thought and shrugged, and I have always had a taste for destruction, rolling her eyes at herself.
Truth was, her feelings for Joker had helped her heal the scars left by Mindoir and Akuze, by simply being him and take her as she came: tough, distant, even cold-hearted at times. Jeff had seen through her barriers, closely followed by the members of her crew and slowly, they had become her family. They both had failures on different levels: his body was his cage while her mind was hers. They had both achieved the top of the ladder despise this missing piece and for that, they were a lot alike. During sleepless nights, when nightmares hit her with the doubts and fears of her death, of the visions of the Normandy in flames, the terror written on Joker's face as the escape pod was leaving her being, Shepard thought that she and Jeff would make a damn good team, for they completed each other perfectly.
In her self-doubts and sometimes loathing, Jaden thought it impossible for a normal human being to even want to be with a zombie covered with scars. There was the Commander's weakness: she could not help but feel utterly… unattractive. Her body was covered with scars from the surgeries she had been the subject of in the Cerberus facility and there were these ones, on her face, glowing and becoming more visible as time passed by. Jaden traced them with the tip of her fingers. Chakwas had told her that being nice would make them go away whereas being the hard-ass bitch that she usually was, would make them more noticeable. There was no way she would change her way of acting with people because it usually lead to success and a job well done. Plus, the line between good and bad was quite blurry when it came to the battlefield and when you had to act in the interest of the ones you were willing to fight for. Shepard was ready to do anything it takes to save as many people as possible; if the price to pay was a few scars on her face, it was worth it. And honestly, she did not find them ugly at all; it gave her a dangerous and mysterious look. However, when she came to think that maybe Jeff did not like them, she almost felt tempted to use surgery available in the Med bay.
And so, with the mission always coming first and then her death, Shepard had never found the guts to tell him about her feelings. She was able to deal with a Tresher Maw, to take down a whole team of Mercenaries, to kill Saren, but tell Joker that she was madly in love with him? Nope. Too much. Too dangerous. Plus, she had died saving him and she liked to think that this was the ultimate love declaration, wasn't it? For Jeff? Obviously not.
Now, here she was, months of living next to a cute and smart and funny and blessed with a voice that would make an iceberg melt in one second and deft fingers that invaded all of Jaden's fantasies. Remembering the advice she had given herself earlier, Shepard leaned over her desk, rubbing her hands on her face, suddenly very anxious about that evening because Yes, maybe it's about time things change, she told herself again.
If it wasn't for her being so useful to take down the Collectors and help Shepard, Joker would gladly throw Kasumi out of the airlock right now. He had only taken a five minutes break to stretch his legs and take a pee and she had managed to invade his private space in the cockpit and leave fairy lights all over the place. She will pay for that, he thought, more annoyed than angry that someone showed any kind of care for him. And that Christmas thing later? There is no way I am going there, Jeff told himself, rolling his eyes and sitting back in his favorite leather chair, at the helm of his baby, the Normandy.
Joker was about to fall asleep for a little while as they were nowhere near a mass relay and still hours away from their next stop, the Citadel. So he leaned back in his chair, the brim of his hat low on his face when he suddenly heard faint footsteps. As discreet as the person behind him tried to be, Joker knew he would always be able to recognize her footsteps among millions. Now, why was she trying so hard not to let him know she was coming? Maybe she thinks you're asleep, Jeff tried to guess. Or… and before he could finish his train of thought, Shepard was stealing his hat and replacing it with… what was it? Joker sat up straight and took hold of what had been placed on his head: a damn Santa's hat.
"Ha ha ha, so funny." he said, turning around to face her. The sight made his heart melt and he grinned, despite himself. Jaden was standing, with her hands clapped in front of her, looking almost shy. She was biting her lip, trying not so hard not to smile. The colorful lights of the fairy light were reflecting on her pale face and his hat was covering her cute blonde hair. She looked stunning even with those scars that would repel more than one man; but not him. Jeff knew that these scars came from Shepard's decisions, from her wish to do well. Their strange glow, coming from her cybernetics, was the reminder that she had been rebuilt and brought back to life; to him. In this instant, his heart felt light for seeing her so alive, as well as heavy for he would never forgive himself for being the reason why she died. He wanted nothing more than for her to offer him her forgiveness. In this moment, he wished he had the courage to just man up and tell her about everything. There just had to take a good look at her to know that she would never be interested in him this way but he needed to get it off his chest: her lean and toned body, her beautiful face, those deep eyes, her stance; not to forger her persona; She deserves better than you, Jeff bitterly thought. Yet, they had become closer since she had been revived and he could die a happy man being her friend, her confidant. Joker was a man of patience and wisdom, unlike what everyone seemed to think.
Coming back to reality and hoping she hadn't noticed how he had lost track and how his eyes had roamed all over her body, Joker said, not without surprise "So even you take part in all this stupid fuss over celebrating Christmas?"
"You haven't seen Legion and Garrus yet… and my room" Jaden replied, her smile wide now. Raising an eyebrow, Joker silent told her to go on. "Reindeer headband for poor Garrus and fairy light for Legion. As for my room, let's just say Kasumi changed a few things" With that, she strode toward her seat next to him and sank into it. Joker didn't miss the sweet smell that she left on her path.
"Now I want to sneak in the mess-hall, you know, just to see our dear fellows get ridiculous." He stated, smirking.
She shook her head and started drumming her fingers on the armset to Joker's surprise; for all the hours she had spent here, with him, never, even after the worse missions, had she shown this kind of anxiety signs. Was it the party tonight that made her so stressed out all of a sudden? The only way to know…he thought.
"So, are you going with everyone tonight?" he nonchalantly asked, staring at her. She hesitantly looked up to meet his gaze and really, was she flushed now? What is wrong with her?He wondered.
"Don't know." She shrugged. "Maybe. I know how much effort Kasumi put into this and I think we all need some down time before…"
"hitting the Collectors' base." Jeff finished for her, a glimpse of fear lurking in the back of her eyes. He could not bear the thought of losing her again; he would not. In this perspective, he felt like a real douchebag for not even try to be with her. With all these festivities and Kasumi spreading doses of happiness everywhere on the Normandy today, Jeff didn't want to be the one dreading and doubting in his corner. Looking at the woman he loved, he wanted everything but to see her like that, afraid and looking so small and vulnerable. He was ready to do everything it takes to see her bright smile again, even if it meant wearing this stupid hat or… going to the party. Yet plan A consisted in trying to cheer her up with words first.
"I have faith in you, Shep. We all do. You will kick their ass." She half-heartedly smiled and he gently punched her arm before adding "Hey. Smile. It's Christmas!"
"Yea, I know…" Shepard weakly offered and he knew it was time for plan B to come into effect, so he grabbed the Santa hat on his lap and proudly placed it on his head and made a funny face. There you go, Jeff silently said, as her face was lighting up. Her eyes still seemed a bit distant but her rosy cheeks and the not-so-cute snort that had just came out of her mouth were the signs of her good mood coming back. She muttered a quick "Dork" in his direction and sighed loudly, her eyes now looking out the window, right into space. The sparkly stars were reflecting in her eyes and in this moment, Jaden looked so peaceful it was almost heart-breaking. She had so much weight on her shoulders and she still managed to be this strong woman. If only he could convince her to share some of her burden with him… Well, if not with me, then she should have fun with everyone, Jeff admitted.
Rising up, he held out his hand to her and this time, it was her turn to crook an eyebrow. "Let's head to the mess-hall" he said, seeing as though she was hesitating to follow him. She grabbed it and the contact was pure bliss. The only time he had had the guts take her hand was when Miranda had let him see Shepard during the Lazarus Project. Her skin was so cold and abnormally pale that day but it had warmed his heart to feel her weak pulse under his fingers. Now though, it was so fucking different: her warm and soft fingers curling around his sent tingles throughout his body and he could not help but to stare into her eyes, trying to convey how much she meant to him in a simple stare. What he saw in her own eyes, behind the surprise at the unusual gesture, made him flush.
Now or never. It's now and never, Jaden. Shepard was totally lost. Jeff was holding her hand and the look in his eyes was… unsettling, to say the least. It could not reasonably be what she thought it was. What if it is? She wondered inwardly, trying not to look freaked out on the outside. What if there is even a tiny chance that what I want to tell him is something he would actually consider? It changed everything for Jaden. After reading that stupid letter, she had stupidly thought it would be a good idea to follow her friend's advice and make a move. Her stupid mind had imagined a hundred things, one of them being losing his friendship, but had simply refused to think that he may like her in the way she liked him. The whole situation screamed DANGER AHEAD and Jaden was about to give up when the thought of what was awaiting them burst into her head; no, Shepard did not want to make the same mistake than before. She needed to talk to him before it was too late again.
Really, the commander hadn't expected that look in his eyes which she suspected looked a lot like the one in hers every time she led eyes on him. What if he shares my feelings? It's better than rejection, right? She tried to reassure herself. His soft green eyes were piercing her soul, as if seeking an answer, a confirmation. Shepard could not take her eyes off him; and could not talk it seemed. Talk. Right. Now. her mind kept repeating. After a few seconds of complete silent, her natural self-confidence came back little by little and getting a grip, yet still looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights, she quickly uttered "Jeff, wait. I need to…" she hesitated, looking everywhere but at him "I need to tell you something." Taking a deep breath, she was about to go on when Joker suddenly threw the Santa's Hat away and came oh so much closer to her, his mouth mere inches away from hers. His scent was enveloping her, the warmth emanating from his body verywelcoming and if it wasn't for the fear of opening herself up to him, of being hurt, of misunderstanding his intentions, she would literally just jump him right there, right then. Knowing that it was her chance, she dared moving her head closer, shyly, until their noses touched. Jeff closed his eyes and closed the gap between them.
Incredible. Exquisite. Amazing.Her mind could not decide which word described best how it felt to have Joker kiss her. They shared a few shy, tentative kisses first, so full of longing and unspoken desire. She wanted this to last forever. Desire and love emboldened her and Shepard let his hand fall between them, sliding her arms around his neck while his found their way around her waist, resting on the small of her back, gently pushing her to him. Flushed against his hard and toned body, she could not help the moan in the back of her throat. As if taking it for a permission to go further, Jeff traced the outline of her upper lip with his tongue, begging for entrance; she wasn't going to refuse him access when she had dreamt of holding him in her arms this way, for years. They explored each other's mouth until they both had to come up for air.
Not wanting to let him go and afraid to hear him say this was a mistake or see a look of disgust on his face, she stood on tiptoe, being a few inches shorter than him, and rested her head in the crook of his neck, his beard scratching her cheek. His hold on her tightened and she heard him giggle in her hair. Moving so his mouth was near her ear, he asked, in a low, husky voice "So, you wanted to talk, huh?" while his fingers started tracing random patterns on her hips, sending shivers down her spine.
So he doesn't seem to regret it and is even playful. Now she felt relieved. Deciding to play along, she replied "You know I am a woman of action. Let's keep the talk for later, would you?" and she punctuated the request with a wet kiss on his neck, making him groan. This new closeness with Jeff should make her feel uncomfortable somehow but it just felt so right, so natural.What made it even more unbelievable was that he seemed to enjoy it as much as she did.
His deft hands, now more daring, slid under the hem of shirt, roaming up and down her back, until he reached the back of her thighs and picked her up, capturing her between him and the wall. Jaden was caught by surprise but her body reacted faster than her mind and her legs wrapped around his waist in no time. They kissed again, more fiercely this time as if their life depended on it. Even if she wanted to, Shepard could not ignore the evidence of his arousal between her legs and on its own volition, her body rubbed against him as her hands slipped under his shirt, the feel of his skin against hers a sudden need.Oh God, oh God, we're making out in the cockpit. Bad, bad, bad.
Really, Jaden wanted to stop because for God's sake, she could not risk the crew seeing them like this. Yet, each time she tried to take her lips away from his, he just happened to do that thing with his tongue and make that groan or caress this spot on her body that made her mind go blank and wanting for more, much more; not to mention all the overly distracting things he kept whispering in her ear when he wasn't busy with her mouth. So instead, she blamed the next ten minutes of making out on him, for being so enticing and addicting.
As things were getting to a new level of hotness and sexiness, the sudden sound of EDI's voice startled them both. "Jeff. Shepard. Kasumi Goto requires your presence in the mess-hall."
"W-we're coming" said Shepard, tidying her hair and clothes, trying to make the proofs of their encounter disappear. She watched Jeff out of the corner of her eye and peacefully smiled; she really wished things would work out between them. She picked his hat up the floor and carefully placed it on his disheveled hair. Once they were both presentable, Jeff, again, naturally offered his hand to her. Jaden noticed the sprig of mistletoe hanging over them and gave a tug on his arm, grabbing his face with her other hand and giving him a long, passionate kiss.
"What was that for?" he asked, panting. She simply offered him a broad grin, her forefinger pointing at the ceiling.
"Merry Christmas, Jeff" she simply added.
"Merry Christmas, Jaden" he replied, giving her a small peck on the forehead.
This time, when he took hold of her hand, he didn't let go of it until they were in the mess-hall, welcomed by the whole crew of the Normandy, ready for a wonderful Christmas celebration.