Walking down the stairs I knew everybody except Carson would have gone to bed, and he was the only one I wanted to speak to. I felt like I owed it to him to be there, he had always supported me and now it was time to return the favour. Never in all my life had I seen Carson truly upset, not in the way that he had seen me, he'd been there to patch me up every time I'd fallen over, every time I'd had my heart broken, he turned up ready to help me pull through it. Now he needed someone, and I was going to be that person for him the same way he had always been for me, he'd been there when Matthew died and when Sybil died, so here I was to help him when his dear Mrs. Hughes died.
Everybody downstairs, and the majority of the family upstairs, had suspected that Carson and Mrs. Hughes were a little more than friends but nobody other than me knew the true extent of their feelings to one another. When I was a child, I'd go too see Carson and find him with her, truly happy, at the time I would feel jealous that I wasn't the only girl he'd laugh with but as I grew I began to understand. He saw everything that went amiss by others, and I did the same for him, I saw every unseen smile and every unheard prayer for her health. Ever since it was announced that she had fallen ill he had not been himself, and I was the only one that knew exactly why. One evening I went down to speak to him because it was the one year anniversary of Matthew's death and I was upset, I found him at the table with his hands clasped, eyes closed, praying to God while silent tears rolled down his face.
Tonight was the first time I began to give back, to return the favour for all the times he'd comforted me. I reached the door to his pantry and knocked lightly on the already open door, he bolted up straight and stiffened in to his normal 'Carson-like' self once again.
"Hello Carson, would it be alright if I joined you, for just a little while, if you aren't too busy of course?" Of course he was busy, he always was, that was just the way he lived, if he wasn't doing something then he was being useless.
"Of course Lady Mary, I was just finishing up for the night anyway. How are you? Is there something the matter?" Carson enquired, of course he did, he always came at the bottom of the rankings and everybody came before him. Obviously something must be the matter if I want to speak to him, that's the way he has always thought.
"No thank you, I'm fine but I know you're not and I know that you don't have anyone you can speak about it to. So here I am, ready to listen, ready to repay my debts." My reply did seem a little too blunt but he wasn't for being easily offended, and he knew that I wasn't the most tactful of people in any circumstance.
"Thank you Milady, but you are most certainly not indebted to me and I will manage, I always have done before now." He spoke with a weak smile on his face, the most unconvincing I had ever seen him try to pull off.
"You think I didn't know notice Carson, you think no one noticed. Most people thought nothing of it but I know you well enough to know when you are hurt, you did a very good job of hiding the way you felt, believe me. But I saw every moment when other people were occupied, the moments you thought nobody ever saw. I can imagine how much pain you're going through, we've been through the same thing now, you helped me when this happened so now I will you help you to muddle through." It was going to take a lot to make him believe that I really wasn't going to let this drop until he accepted my help.
"Really Milady, that's not at all necessary, I'll get back to normal soon enough and so will the running of the house when somebody new is hired. It is a terrible shame that we've lost Mrs. Hughes, we were very good friends and she was an asset to the house." He was denying the facts even to himself, it didn't really matter to me if he told me everything about how he felt, as long as he would admit it to the person that needed to know the most.
"No, Carson, you really need to accept that you were a bit more than friends, you're never going to get over this if you stay in denial for the rest of your life. I know, really I do, this house has harboured a number of inappropriate relationships, yours being the least extreme of which." His expression was shocked, he looked aghast and his jaw had dropped like a sack of flour. "Honestly, how unobservant do you think I am, I've watched the two of you for the last thirty years and was waiting for something to happen but it never did. Just let me help you the same way you helped me, will you?"
"I..I do-..I don't know what to say Milady. Was it really that obvious to everyone?" Now I'd just made him paranoid, that might have been the wrong thing to say.
"No, not everybody pays as much attention to you as me, every member of my family is closer to one member of staff, I am lucky enough to have both you and Anna but that is beside the point. You brought me up Carson, I've learnt all your little tricks along the way, I can tell when you're lying or when you're keeping something secret, I always have been able to." It was true about the family bonds though. Papa had Bates - they'd known each other for years, Mama had O'Brien - she'd nursed her through so much illness, Edith had all of the housemaids - whom she'd got to know during the war and Sybil had always had Thomas - from working together in the war.
"Milady, if I may be blunt with you. I don't know if I can stay here, what is there left for me. When you were young, I stayed because I wanted to see you grow up, after Mr. Crawley died I stayed to see you through your grief and then I stayed to help Mrs. Hughes through her illness. Now she is gone and you have no need for a gruff old butler, there is no place for me here anymore." That was completely unexpected, I had thought he would say that the memories would haunt him or something like that but never did I think I would hear him doubt my need for him.
"Are you kidding, Carson? I'll always need you there for me, you've been the one constant thing through my life I suppose. If I don't have you in my hour of need then who am I to go to? Say whatever you like about why you want to leave Downton, but don't ever think that Downton wants you to leave or doesn't need you anymore!" This was me being selfish, I didn't care that he thought he should leave, I needed him to stay and so I would do everything in my power to persuade him to do so.
"Really Milady, you have your family and you get on well with the rest of the staff, and like you say, you will always have Anna. If I really thought that you needed me to stay here then I wouldn't give it a second thought, I meant what I said all those years ago, even a butler can have his favourites. The day has arrived that you don't need me anymore, you can stand on your own two feet." I felt like I had just taken a bullet to the chest, that was the most horrible thing I had ever heard anyone say to me, I couldn't stop it anymore; the lump rising in my throat, the tears that pricked up in my eyes, my wavering bottom lip. I never was one for crying really, only when I really felt hurt by something and this was one of those occasions.
"Oh Carson, don't you see? Of course I still need you, I'll need you until the day I die and I still believe you might outlive me at this rate." I spoke through my sobs and cries. "Please, don't go, I don't think I could bear it if ever you left." I had to hold on to his arm to refrain from falling over as I felt my legs give way, I thought I was about to hit the ground when he caught me, like he always did. I fell in to his arms hopelessly, if he left now what would become of me? What would happen if Mama or Papa died?
"Don't worry Milady, I'm not going anywhere just yet. I promise."