The Shadow of Doubt

Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!

Episode:- Allegory of Love

Pairing:- None – Jean/Robbie friendship

Rating:- T

Achieve:- . /group/lewisffarchive/

Summary:- You're a good person and a great friend so don't lose faith in yourself just because you trusted someone you believed was your friend.

Author's Note:- I have to say two big thank you's here Beth you know what you do honey and I couldn't do it without you and "princessozmaofoz" for the fact this fic finally got a title without her suggestion to for looking for inspiration in quotations it would still be sitting in a journal somewhere never seeing the light of day!

I've just arrived back at my desk to find a neatly wrapped present that looks suspiciously like a book. I swear if this is someone's idea of a sick joke I will personally hunt them down and shred heir warrant card before kicking them out the door. I know the rumour mill has been buzzing with the news that Ginny Harris was a friend, no one is saying anything to my face but I can feel it in the air. Half of them are feeling sorry for me and the other half is gloating about the fact that I didn't see it. They believe I should have somehow known immediately that one of my oldest friends was a murderer.

Robbie and James have been fantastic standing guard over my feelings for the last few days. They've been doing their best to keep from me the details as they emerge and the extent to which it all escalated but even they can't protect me from myself. They can't take away the image of her so destroyed by her own actions; they can't wash away the doubts about my ability to truly judge anyone any more.

Now if someone has decided to turn the whole thing into a sick joke by leaving a copy of one of Crane's books on my desk I don't know if I will be able to continue to hold it together and maintain the front that got me through so far.

The wrapping is careful, clearly done but the shop it was bought from and as I run my fingers over the paper removing it I realise it could never have been a Crane book, it's too slim, too delicate and as I take in the title on the spine I know exactly where it came from. "Swallows and Amazons by Arthur Ransome" The inscription inside confirms simply confirms what I already know.

"Stay a Swallows and Amazons sort of girl, don't let one horrible experience change you"

"Ah you got it, I was about to leave when it occurred to me that the cleaning staff might get a little too diligent and it would end up stuck on a shelf somewhere before you even knew it existed." He's leaning against the door frame, his hands in his pockets in that way that's so him and smiling at me as I hold it up.

"Robbie it's lovely where did you get such a beautiful edition?" The red leather binding is so soft and the faded gold embossed lettering just add to its charm.

"It's Oxford Ma'am finding any edition of any book isn't that hard. I just thought….. well I thought you needed reminding that just because someone wasn't what you thought they were doesn't mean everyone is the same." I couldn't tell you the last time I was genuinely moved by something someone did for me but right now I'm welling up.

"I never saw it coming, god I was still trying to match make for you and her until a few days ago, how could I get it so wrong?" He's sitting in the chair at the other side of my desk now and I know he's happy to just let me talk. You think you've seen it all in this job but when you've been doing it as long as we have you realise there's always something around the corner that could potentially know you for six.

"Yeah well we'll get to the match making conversation another time when you're feeling better. As for not seeing it could anyone have seen this coming Jean? I mean seriously the relationship with Crane, the effects of his engagement, one misguided decision by a publishing PR bod and it all goes to hell? No one can see that coming we're coppers not clairvoyants."

"I knew her for over 20 years Robbie, ok we didn't live in each other's pockets but I thought I knew her. What does it say about me that I didn't see what was going on between her and Dorian? I mean he was what? 15 of 16 when it started, he was a child. I just don't know if I can trust my own instincts anymore." I never talk about how I feel these days, it's an easy habit to get out of when you realise no one was listening anyway. Robbie makes it too easy though his complete lack of judgement and the genuine care he offers are what make him such a valued friend. That all I'm seeing from him now, no judgement of my lack of awareness, no determination to launch into a speech full of ways to "fix" my feelings. He's just here to listen and I can't seem to stop talking. "I've spent the last couple of days going over and over things in my head and there isn't a single time when my radar kicked in even for a second. You know what it's like in this job you develop a sixth sense for things something you just know something's going on even though it appears normal. Well I don't remember ever feeling when they moved back down here and we saw each other more that there was anything unusual. Dorian and Chris went to school together, he was in and out of my house all the time. I never one though he and Ginny's relationship was any different to mine and Chris's"

"You couldn't be expected to see it Jean. Why would you think anything was going on it's nor normal. As far as you were concerned they were mother and son just like you and Chris. The fact that you weren't twisted enough to even consider the possibility that they had a sexual relationship is a good thing in my book." I know on one level that he's right, I know I should completely agree with everything he's saying but it's not helping, not yet anyway. "Have you spoken to Chris? Did he ever have any suspicions? You know what teenage boys are like when it comes to talking about…..well things that under normal circumstances they wouldn't discuss with their mam."

"He called me last night, he'd been reading about the details online I didn't tell him about it. I mean I told him Dorian was dead but I hadn't spoken to him since… Anyway he says he didn't know anything back then if he had he'd have told me. I believe him, in so much as I think he'd tell me now even if I'm not sue he would have then."

"Well then you need to stop beating yourself up about it and you need to stop doubting yourself. I know it's been tough around here the last few days but give it a day or two and it'll be old news. You're a good person and a great friend; so don't lose faith in yourself just because you trusted someone you believed was your friend."

"Thanks Robbie, and thanks for this I really love it." I'm running my fingers over the book again and for the first time in days I actually feel better.

"Hey no trouble at all, I meant what I wrote in there don't let this change you. I happen to think you're a pretty great friend the way you are, but no more matchmaking!" He's left throwing me a final reassuring smile as he goes and he's actually made me laugh. I can't say everything is suddenly ok but I can say that if he trusts my judgement maybe there's hope after all. I made a decision a long time ago that it was right that I should try to be their friend as well as their boss and that was definitely a good decision. Maybe my ability to judge people isn't completely useless. One thing I do know though is that I should give up on the idea of matchmaking if I want to stay friends because my judgement in that situation is seriously shaky.