Haunted
Oh, I'm holding my breath
Won't see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing
~Taylor Swift
Patricia's hands settled on her stomach. It was then when the tears started flowing. He wasn't there. He never knew. She knew that was her fault. She didn't tell him. Maybe if she had he would've been there. But he wasn't. He was in America. Joy had been there so she wasn't alone, but she knew deep down she needed Eddie there. Now that it happened. Now that is was over. She didn't want to tell him. Maybe he'd blame her. She could've prevented it. She didn't want him to know, but she did. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to hold her well she cried. She needed him. She needed him to know, but he had KT. She saw them together, but she only saw the surface. She'd never see deep down he missed her. He wanted to be with her.
**O**
Eddie glared at his phone screen. He couldn't bare to change his background. The picture of them two of them. Earlier in the night that they would cross lines. They had been crashed on the couch watching as their friends spun and danced, it wasn't their thing. She looked pretty in a simple purple dress. He looked handsome in his black t-shirt. It was just a casual party they had been given permission to throw, towards the end of the school year. They snuck away early. They kissed. They touched. It was skin on skin. Two became one. It was a moment that they didn't want to have end. They stayed up talking of future plans, stealing kisses, and enjoying each others company.
**O**
Two months. It was her secret only for two months. It happened when she was at Joy's. Joy drove her to the hospital. Joy was in the room when they told her. Joy knew. Eddie didn't. Joy would tell Patricia that she needed to tell him. She was afraid. She broke it off. She had planned to tell him when he had returned in August. August, then it would've been her secret for three months. Then she would've told him. Then they coud've made decisions together. Instead the world made a descision for her. Her mind was racing as she remembered the day she tried to not think about.
**O**
She broke up with him a month ago, in August. Their first day back together. She had been acting strange all day, and out of the blue simply said it was over. In the following weeks she was barely around. She skipped meals at the house. She wouldn't talk to anyone but Joy. Eddie noticed this. Eddie would ask Joy why. Joy would give him a sad smile and say that was for Patricia to tell. Eddie didn't want to push her into telling him, but he hated seeing her falling apart. He wanted to pull her into his arms, ask her what was wrong and try to fix it. He just didn't know how. He heard footsteps, and glanced up to see Joy. They stared at each other for a few moments. That had kind of become their thing. He'd ask Joy for an update. Joy would say she'd wish she was able to tell Eddie why Patricia had been acting the way she had been. Eddie wanted to see her happy again. He didn't care if it was with him or not. He was sick of seeing her so dead inside. He was sick of the frowns, the eyes that were always rimmed with tears. Something had happened in the three months he was gone and he wanted to fix it.
**O**
She knew it wouldn't be a good distraction but she couldn't help herself, she pulled the small box from under her bed, and clicked the locks. The top opened and there the image sat. She pulled it out and held it in her hands. Whispered apologies for not having taken better care. She could've prevented it. No matter what the doctors said. Joy had been trying to get her to see someone, but she refused again and again. Patricia's eyes shot up when the door opened. If it was Joy the image in her hand could remain in her hand, but if it was Mara she'd have to find a cover. Mara didn't know. Patricia didn't want Mara to know. Mara would judge her. Mara would tell her how stupid she was in the first place. They weren't stupid though. They had been safe. They had taken the procautions. They just failed.
**O**
"How is she tonight," Eddie asked, as Joy sunk down in the living room couch.
"She hasn't eaten today Eddie. I wish she'd tell you. I think it would help."
"Well Joy I don't think that's going to happen. I don't want to push her Joy."
"Maybe you should? Please just ask her? Maybe she'll spill."
"Do you think it would be that easy Joy?"
"I can ask her to tell you again," Joy spoke her voice trailing off
"It hasn't done anything before I doubt it'll do anything now," he snapped. He felt bad for snapping but it was true. Nothing helped. He didn't care if ever did find out her big secret he just wanted her to be back to normal.
**O**
Patricia scrambled in a panic as Mara stepped into the room she shoved the image back in the box and slammed the lid
"What were you looking at Patricia," Mara questioned walking over to her part of the room.
"Nothing."
"You look like you've been crying so it surely wasn't nothing," Mara said sitting down on her bed.
"I don't want to talk about it," Patricia snapped. Mara wouldn't understand. Mara would hate her. Mara would hate Eddie. They hadn't been stupid. It was solely an accident. Nothing could've prevented it. It happened, nothing could've prevented it. Which brought Patricia back to how she could've prevented what happened that day at Joy's.
"You do that a lot lately Patricia. You won't talk to anyone, but Joy. We're starting to worry about you."
"What else is new? I'm fine. I don't need to talk."
"I don't think that's true Patricia. Just talk to someone."
"I don't need to talk to anyone," she snapped. Mara stood up from her bed to gather her night clothes.
**O**
"I'm going to get ready for bed. I mean it. I'll talk to her. You deserve to know."
"If I deserve to know so much why don't you bother to tell me?"
"It's not mine to tell."
"Then maybe I'll never know."
"She needs to tell you."
"Goodnight Joy," he sighed. He pushed himself off the living room chair and wandered down the hall to get ready for bed. He knew he wouldn't be sleeping. There would be too many thoughts racing around his head like always. Most of them involved Patricia, a few the mystery he and KT had stumbled onto.
**O**
Weeks passed and now here she was. She had been dragged to a school dance. She didn't want to go. Joy basically forced her to go. She had pulled on a black dress, and plain shoes she just happened to have. She let Amber do her hair and makeup. She didn't want to have her make up done, but she didn't have the energy to fight them off. She knew Eddie and KT were going together. "Just as friends," Joy swore.
**O**
Eddie didn't know why he was going to the dance with KT even if it was just as friends. He knew that KT had her eyes on some other guys. He recalled her having told him his name before, not that Eddie paid attention to what they said. Though KT had asked to go with him as friends, so she wouldn't feel terribly alone attending.
**O**
Patricia sipped her punch cup slowly. Joy had run off to dance, and Patricia wanted to be in her bed crying. She barely left her bed these days other then school. Five months. That's how long it would've been her secret. Well at this point it wouldn't have been just her secret. She would've told him. She would've told her parents. Maybe if he stayed he would've told his. The house would've been told. Maybe if it hadn't happened. They'd be back at the house. No that was unlikely her parents probably would've packed her up and sent her to some special school. She didn't know that for a fact though. And she never would.
Her eyes scanned the dance floor for distraction and there she saw them. KT in a purple dress. Eddie in a black shirt with a jacket. The memories came flashing back. That night, the day she found out, the day she lost it, and the day she broke up with Eddie. Tears were welling in her eyes. At first she didn't see Eddie and KT had started to walk towards her. When she finally noticed she did the first thing she thought of. She dropped her punch cup and ran.
**O**
Eddie noticed that Patricia looked like she was about to cry. He just wanted to check on her since Joy was otherwise occupied. The second she noticed him she ran. He hadn't noticed Joy had began to watch to see the events as they unfolded. Joy's first instinct was to check on her friend but felt a hand pull her back.
"Joy just let me," he said softly. He found her sitting outside elbows on her knees face resting in her hands. He could hear the sobs. He pulled his jacket it off and dropped it around her shoulders before sitting next to her. He wasn't sure if she didn't notice him or at first or didn't want to fight the fact he was next to her.
"Patricia," he whispered. The sobs continued. Before she stood up and tossed his jacket at him and went to leave. He grabbed her wrist quickly.
"Let me go!"
"No. We need to talk Patricia. You don't talk to anyone anymore."
"Let me go. I don't want to talk."
"It's not about wants its about what you need."
"What I need is for you to let me go."
"Not until you tell me this secret you've been hiding. I know Joy's been trying to get you to tell me."
"You want to know what? I was hoping Joy would break down and tell you. Only because I didn't want to have to see your face when I said it. Because I don't know how you'll react and I didn't want to know."
"Tell me please."
"You remember that night right? The party," her voice trailed off and he knew what she meant.
"How could I forget?"
"Well something went wrong. I don't know what, but I was," she paused her eyes filled with tears again. She was so close to cracking so close to telling him. Joy's words echoed about how he deserved to know. Her eyes shot up from the ground to look into his eyes. She saw the pleading, and the wondering.
"I was pregnant. I was pregnant for two months. I lost the baby," she finally managed to make herself say between sobs. She didn't want to look at his face. She didn't want to see his reaction but she couldn't look away. He looked at her in shock and disbelief before his face turned to sadness. She could see his eyes brimmed slightly with tears. She needed him to say something. Say anything.
"Why didn't you tell me," she wondered if there was a hint of anger in his words or if she was imagining it.
"I was going to tell you. I was waiting till I saw you in person and then it happened. I couldn't bring myself to tell you then. I didn't want to tell you. I wanted to forget it happened. I just thought if we broke up I could pretend it hadn't."
"I would've been there for you. You should've told me. I would've been back here in a heartbeat, I would've held your hand or hugged you or something. I would've been there."
"I was ashamed okay? I thought that I could've prevented it. They said it was caused by stress. I thought that maybe if I told you or my parents or something I wouldn't have been so stressed, and it wouldn't have happened."
"Patricia. You've been dealing with this alone, why didn't you want me to know? Did you think I would've stopped loving you?"
"I don't know okay? I was mad Eddie. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that you weren't there. I thought I had done something wrong. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair," she started mumbling between sobs. He stepped closer to her and wrapped his arms around her.
"It's okay Yacker. It's okay. It's going to be okay," he whispered as she buried her head in his chest. The stood their neither saying only sound came from Patricia's sobs. His hands were rubbing comforting circles on her back.
"Do you hate me,' she choked out suddenly.
"I could never hate you Yacker."
"But it's my fault," she said trying to push herself off of his chest. He only held her closer.
"No it's not. It's not your fault Yacker. I still love you and everything is going to be okay," he whispered.
"Why? Why do you still love me?"
"Because I could never stop," he responded, loosening his grip on Patricia slightly. She shimmed away from him just barely, so she could look him in the eyes. There was something in the way he looked at her, everything felt okay. She could feel the weight being lifted off her shoulders. She let out a sigh, before letting her heart take over. Next thing he knew her lips were on his. He pulled her closer so their chests touched.
"There you two are we've been looking everywhere for you two," they heard someone sigh, they broke apart to see KT and Joy. Patricia shifted so she was now standing next to Eddie, she felt his arm wrap around her waist.
"I was worried sick Patricia," Joy murmured, before noticing a smile that seemed to be creeping on Patricia's face.
"I'm fine mom," she said sarcastically.
"You're back," Joy whispered. Her best friend had not only just smiled but her sarcastic tone had made its way back.
"Well I think Joy and I should get back to the dance," KT said suddenly. Patricia watched as her friend and KT headed back into the school.
"So do you want to go back to the house or something," he questioned. She could hear the confusion in his voice. It was clear he didn't know where to go from there. What to say and how things would be between them now.
"Why don't we go back to the dance. We can make fun of people," she teased. She felt herself being tugged so they were on there way back into the dance. She could still feel the smile on her face and she finally felt at peace.
Really crappy ending... I started this Like January 2nd...
I had to like force myself to finish it... I hate the ending...