Disclaimer: Don't own em
Warnings: Sexual innuendo and naughty language and stuff -
Author's NOTE:
Hey Kids - How's tricks? So anyway - I AM working on Saving Grace and Destiny's Child - I promise
But in the MEANTIME - I've been recruited to write an advice column for The Enterprise Enterprise over on Live Journal. Hopefully that link will work
but
if it doesn't - the link is on my profile page and is also on The Editor in Chief's page - T'Key'la.
I am posting it here for everyone to read - but there are tons of other awesome articles in the paper - so go read the whole thing.
ANYWAY - As for this issue of the Advisor - T'Kelya wrote all the questions - and I wrote all the answers.
If anyone has any questions they want answered for future issues - SEND EM' OUR WAY!!!
Thanks in advance
T'Pinto
The Absolutely Awesome Advisor
Dear, Triple A,
My new boyfriend has 3 sexual appendages. Do you think that's too many?
Sincerely,
Intimidated in Bed
__
Dear Intimidated,
Don't be so intimidated! There's no such thing as too much of anything in my opinion.
The only way this could be a bad thing is if he isn't bendy enough to use all of his appendages at one time.
Can you help his out with this?
Perhaps you could both take some Yoga classes.
The most important thing to remember is to HAVE FUN!!
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A,
I like really like the Ensign assigned to sit next to me on the Bridge at the navigation control station….usually during Alpha shift. I'm not sure he likes me the same way. Should I tell him how I feel?
Sincerely,
Samurai Swordsman
___
Dear Swordsman,
You're first problem is that the Ensign *cough cough* in question, has a bit of a Crush on the Captain.
Not that I know who you are or which Ensign you are talking about or anything...because this advice column is totally anonymous and all that,but that's what I hear.
Anyway - you need to work on diverting his attention away from the Captain first... PLEASE.... I mean.. um... well that would be a good thing for YOU... yeah... cuz this is all about You and Your problem and not about m... I mean The Captain... yeah...
SO....
back to diverting Pav.... I mean the Ensign's attention.
Brush up on Quantum Physics, Theoretical Physics, Physics in general, and I have a Book in my Quarters appropriately entitled "Things that were Inwented in Russia" that I can let you borrow. It will come in handy.
Okay no it didn't originally say InWented - I took some liberties with an ink pen and the V...
My point is…
Keep talking to Pav.... er…The Ensign… about things that he likes - and take a general interest in him, wink at him a lot, sit closer to him at lunch and I SWEAR his crush will totally switch from me.... I mean the CAPTAIN,to YOU, and then you'll be set.
Sincerely,
AAA
P.S. Poker. Tonight. - My quarters - You are TOTALLY getting your ass handed to you for cheating me out of my paycheck last week.....Lieutenant. (Not that I know who this is – or you know who I am or anything)
Dear Triple A,
I like this person. But he or she likes somebody else. The person who likes the person I like might kill me (really) if I ask him or her out. Do you think I should ask him or her out?
Sincerely,
Totally Crushing on He or She
___
Dear Crushing,
I think you need to stop being so ambivalent and non committal with your pronouns and just GROW A PAIR for God's sakes. Even if you aren't genetically equipped to grow a pair...Do it anyway!
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A,
Why did I sign up for Starfleet?
Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
Can I resign from Starfleet without being courtmartialed?
Sincerely,
Unendingly Irritated
__
Dear Irritated,
NO!
And by the way, quit taking your frustration out on The Captain via Hypospray.
He never did a damn thing to you but be your friend.
Well you know...except date and/or sleep with every single girl you were interested in at the Academy.... but that's neither here nor there.
He had some sexual identity issues to deal with back then and besides - that's all in the past - He's in a committed and loving relationship now so you can hit on Christine Chapel all you want...
So STOP being mean to him damn it!
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A,
Why doesn't Dr. McCoy like me?
He liked me when we were...before, but not now.
Now every time I see him he yells at me and jabs me with a hypospray.
How can I get him to stop?
Sincerely,
Former BFF of Leoard 'Bones' McCoy
___
Dear Former BFF,
I don't know why the Doctor doesn't like you anymore. It is completely beyond me.
You happen to be the most Awesome person I have ever met in my entire life.
Spock is right up there too - but you are just fucking Awesome and you are always so good to Doctor McCoy!
You drink with him, you listen to him complain about Jocelyn, you listen to him complain about Space, you listen to him complain about Sickbay and his lack of support from Starfleet, and his lack of supplies, and his lack of Bourbon.
Then you go buy him supplies and Bourbon.
Hell you even sit there and listen to him complain about SPOCK...and YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TODO THAT!!!
You have gone above and beyond the call of duty - and all that damn bastard does is jab you in the neck with hyposprays at every turn and ask you if he can resign from Starfleet. I've seen him do it – and I'll bet it is every bit as painful as it looks too!
Well just what the hell does He think he'd do if he didn't have Starfleet – that's what I'd like to know?
His wife got the entire planet of Earth in the divorce and he's got nowhere else to go after all.
And what would he do if he didn't have YOU in his life to patch up every week - since you seem to have some strange penchant for accidentally getting injured (Even though the injuries are NEVER your fault....and are always completely and totally accidental, and you NEVER NEVER NEVER engage in risky behavior when you are on an alien planet that might inadvertently lead to said injuries because YOU are the MOST CAREFUL and Compassionate and CONSIDERATE person I know also....)?
Anyway - Bones would be bored off his ass without you.
So he should just shut the fuck up about resigning and start being nice to you, and appreciate your friendship.
If he doesn't stop Jabbing you - Just have Spock Nerve Pinch him every time he does it! That'll put a stop to it!
Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan
AAA
My Dearest Triple A,
While I see no logic in posing inquires of a personal nature to an anonymous stranger, I thought perhaps you could provide some insight on the behavior of a 'friend of a friend'. This 'friend of a friend' likes to issue orders while they are in the act of copulation.
Is this standard human behavior?
Might you be able to shed some illumination on this conundrum?
Sincerely Yours,
Perplexed by the Complexity of Human Pranks
___
Dear Perplexed – you gorgeous thing you,
It is completely and TOTALLY standard human behavior for your friend's friend to be issuing orders during love making.
In fact, it's especially standard if it comes from a young, brash, talented, intelligent, cunning, authoritative, decisive, compassionate, considerate, awesome, exceedingly handsome, and originally thinking Starfleet officer, such as ...you know... The Captain.
Who, by the way, is all of those things and more.
Human Starfleet Officers who have to live up to that kind of reputation, have to keep up appearances and practice their talent for giving orders, even in bed, so that they can ensure that their crew will always follow them and do as they are asked without question.
I'm sure that your friend's friend is just thinking about his duty to Starfleet when he issues these orders in bed.
The BEST thing you ... or your "Friend" could do is just comply to these orders without question. And your 'friend' should never raise his eyebrow at their lover or look at him as if he's cracked in the head or something after he issues said orders.
I assure you that compliance would prove beneficial and very pleasurable for you both.... er both of 'THEM'....whatever....
And just to be clear..... it is completely and TOTALLY NORMAL for him to be behaving like that during sex.... just so we're clear. If anyone says otherwise... say like BONES for example… Tell them to fuck off and nerve pinch them.
OH - and just an afterthought, Your 'friend of a friend' or your 'friend's Lover' (whatever the case may be) may actually be having some sort of post traumatic stress reaction to all the hyposprays the Doctor has been jabbing into his neck –(because the Doctor is behaving like a jealous huzzy).
So he's taking it out on you... your friend.... whoever.... by giving you…, him... them... whoever... orders in bed -
So if you ...THEY...(whoever) really really really doesn't like the orders... well 'THEY' should just go tell the Doctor to Knock it the HELL OFF... and maybe THEIR ....amazingly talented Lover ... will chill out during fantastic monkey sex in the shower....like this morning... *wink wink*
Sincerely yours (forever and ever),
AAA
p.s.
If you wanna have more fantastic monkey sex after the Poker game tonight –
I would be totally cool with that, and I'll try not to issue any orders – well, not weird ones anyway.