Dear Diary,
I overheard Stefan talking to Caroline about the transition and what happens after, I'd come over to talk to him (another crazy moment) and something he said really got to me. He said that the change made Caroline into a strong person from the neurotic mess that she was, and really it's extremely accurate, but the thing is Diary; the change is making some things clear to me. Things like in my moment of weakness I call Damon, because I know he won't judge me, he'll let me be insane and pull me back from hurting people, not because he's afraid to be himself around me lose control; but because he will let me be me and realizes that perfect was never an ideal.
Unfortunately ideal is the only life that Stefan want's to admit exists, and while I love him for his kindness and the way he looks at life it's hard to be that good, that perfect.
To not slip up and be weak, to give in.
I still can't understand Stefan's anger about Damon and I sharing blood, it seems like nothing, but I felt something for him when he let me drink from him. I still don't know what it was at the moment but I know that some part of me liked it.
Some very tiny part of me felt free in the moment that I drank from him, blood is life right? It's power and strength, intoxicating strength; but it's not light, I can feel it, blood is darkness and everything that church tells us to fear and turn from. Can you turn from yourself? From that which you crave, that which you HAVE to have to survive, because at some point I decided that survival was more important than the morals I had.
Is this part of the new me, or just a better version of the old me. The me that was alive with life and intoxicated with life and all the new things I could experience, that Elena is still here, but she's also starting to realize that that Elena can never be with Stefan. I saw it in his eyes when he brought the motorcycle out, the look of want for the life he gave up, for The Ripper inside of him to have fun people have to suffer. I love a guy who can never let lose; I'm like Buffy with Angel without that sacred duty crap.
They break up in the end, they could have never worked, but that's only a silly book right Diary? That doesn't happen in real life… or at least I hope it doesn't, I feel terrible for seeing Damon instead of Stefan, not just once but twice.
Is this my mind's way of telling me that it made its choice and fuck all else? I didn't choose Damon; why do I see him, what makes me want him more?
Is it something that is going to pass? What if it doesn't Diary, can I stay with him knowing I don't truly want him? There were times that Damon was the only thing keeping me sane when Stefan was gone, and now Stefan needs me to be strong as a vampire for him, doesn't he get that this isn't as easy as he makes it look, for crap's sake he's over a century old and he still loses control and while I think his intentions are honorable they are still probably what makes him lose control so much. Temperance didn't work for Quakers, and it didn't work in the 20's with prohibition who the hell could it work with blood?
I can't get him out of my head. Why can't I get him out?