Anyone walking along the well manicured lawns of Privet Drive this evening
would have no idea how close the world was to losing their hope to stop the
upcoming war. A dark haired boy sat alone in his room going through the
same motions as he had most every night since arriving home from school.
As soon as it got dark, he opened the cage to let his companion, a snowy
owl out to hunt. Each night, the owl had flown instead onto his knee, not
wanting to leave the boy alone and yet each night, the boy forced the owl
to fly off and hunt. Once the owl was out of sight, the boy went through
what had become a routine, but each night before he finished the motions,
his owl came back and refused to leave his shoulder. Even after the boy
would lie down, the owl only moved onto the nightstand until the boy she
was watching finally fell asleep. Only then did the owl actually leave
long enough to quickly catch something to eat before returning to keep and
eye on her friend. Most nights saw the same motions play out. The
difference between the world still having a chance to win the war and
having no chance at all was being decided by the love a pet had for her
master. While most everyone slept, Hedwig seemed to know how close the
wizarding world was to losing its only hope and how close she was to losing
her companion.
Harry Potter woke up early, sleep being no comfort for him. He followed the same routine each day, not really thinking. First he would glance at the photograph in the album Hagrid had given him after his first year at Hogwarts. The picture was of his parent's wedding and also showed his godfather, Sirius Black. He would spend a few minutes watching the black and white people smile and wave up enthusiastically at him. Next he spent a few minutes stroking Hedwig while staring absent-mindedly out the window. Without having any good reason to, he would then take a shower each morning before going down and grabbing some breakfast before retreating to this room to eat.
His Aunt and Uncle, the Dursleys were treating him differently this year. After being threatened by Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin and other members of the Order, the Dursleys hadn't said anything on the drive home. The few weeks since his return had been the same as well, no nasty comments, no threats, no anything. Aunt Petunia always had meals ready for him, but never called him when they were ready. He quickly fell into the routine and it fit his mood perfectly. The comfort he felt at having the members of the Order standing beside him was soon replaced by the realization of what had actually happened just a few weeks earlier.
As was expected of him, he sent the same note to the Order every three days.
Everything is fine. Harry
Like last year, the notes from his friends had been short and cryptic. Even though he understood the need for this it didn't help his mood at all. He had realized that they were staying at 12 Grimmauld Place again this summer, but he didn't get much more information out of the notes. Hermione always included a comment, "Don't let everything get you down. It's going to be ok."
It only took a few of these before he quit opening the letters and sent a reply saying his Uncle was getting very upset with him receiving owls. "She has no idea what I feel," Harry thought. But as soon as he became angry at her, he quickly remembered that she was seriously hurt following him into danger for no reason at all. That changed the strong anger he had felt at her into even stronger anger at himself. This time, no one could truthfully say that his friends' injuries and Sirius' death wasn't his fault. Harry led five students into a trap where they were all hurt. It was pure luck that any of them made it out alive. Harry's best friends were nearly and his godfather was killed because he had; as Hermione put it 'A saving people thing.'
Harry alternated between hating everything to do with the wizarding world and hating the thought of not being a part of the magical community. Even though the best memories in his life had come after he found out he was a wizard, by far the worst memories were also bound to that world. His thoughts of his friends swung equally as far. Some moments he desperately wanted to be sitting around talking to them both, and the next moment he didn't want to be around them at all. He couldn't understand why they would want anything to do with him either. He had been the direct cause of so much pain for both of them that Harry couldn't comprehend how they could want to be around him anymore.
This particular day was hard on Harry for some reason. As had been happening every few nights, he was woken up by a terrifying vision of someone, or more often multiple people being tortured or killed. After the first couple times, Harry began recording the visions on parchment. He didn't know why for sure, but he felt compelled to do this. Harry told himself he deserved the pain of seeing these visions since he could have prevented them by learning Occlumency. Most times, this thought quickly turned to the memory that Professor Snape never did try to teach him anything. The only thing the Professor ever said was for him to clear his mind, never once telling Harry how to stop the mental intrusions. At these times, Harry didn't know who he hated more, Professor Snape or himself.
As was quite common since returning from school, the guilt and remorse quickly flared, and in one swift motion, Harry grabbed his wand and pictured what he wanted to do. The nightly routine had suddenly intruded into his daylight activities. He was in the right mood, the anger and guilt more than enough. "It would only take a second," he thought, "One spell and it would all be over." Closing his eyes, the decision had been made.
The instant his arm began to rise, Hedwig frantically flapped her wings and hooted loudly. Harry tried to take a deep breath and focus so he could continue but the flapping persisted and when Harry looked, he noticed a large owl waiting on the ledge outside his window. The distraction was sufficient to interrupt his motion and after slowly letting out his breath, he walked to the window and removed the letters from the owl. Before the strange owl could fly away, Hedwig began clicking her beak and giving small hoots. Harry noticed the other owl looking at her slightly cocking its head to one side. The other owl gave a few clicks before Hedwig flew out the widow and quickly disappeared.
Harry looked confused for a moment and then noticed the letters were from Hogwarts. 'Probably my O.W.L.s,' he thought. Looking back, he noticed the other owl still sitting near the window watching him closely. "Thank you for delivering these. You can go now," Harry said to the owl. However, the creature seemed to pay him no mind and didn't move at all. Harry shrugged and then threw the letters onto his desk, being in no mood to deal with the people running his life.
Picking up the photo album again, Harry sat at the edge of his bed and thumbed through the pages as he had done more this summer than in the other four summers since he received the album. He knew from memory which pictures where on which pages and could turn directly to the ones he thought would make him feel the best at any time. All he wanted right now was to look at the picture that showed his godfather. If he hadn't spent so much time crying during the past few weeks, he would surely be doing that now, but the tears would no longer come. He sat in silence, watching his godfather wave up at him wishing he could go back in time five weeks and change his decision to charge into the Department of Mysteries. It all seemed so clear at the time and now the results of his haste were painfully clear.
Looking up, Harry saw the delivery owl still looking at him with a cocked head. Instead of anger flaring again, he felt bad for being short with the creature before and got up, retrieved a treat and went over to the owl. "Sorry I was short with you," Harry said handing the treat to the owl who quickly took it from his fingers. Harry stroked the bird and said, "I haven't been very nice to anyone this summer." Harry continued softly stroking the bird for a few minutes, contemplating the simple pleasure he got from the softness of its feathers under his hand.
After a couple minutes, Harry glanced at the letters the owl delivered and now that his mood had mellowed out, his curiosity got the best of him and he opened the first letter.
Ordinary Wizarding Level test results for Harry James Potter
Divination: Poor History of Magic: Poor Astronomy: Acceptable Herbology: Acceptable Transfiguration: Theory Exceeds Expectations Transifguration: Practical Exceeds Expectations Potions: Theory Outstanding Potions: Practical Exceeds Expectations Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding Charms: Theory Exceeds Expectations Charms: Practical Outstanding Defense Against the Dark Arts: Theory Outstanding Defense Against the Dark Arts: Practical Outstanding
'Exceeds Expectations and Outstanding in Potions?" Harry thought. He knew he felt more comfortable and confident taking the test without Professor Snape around but had really only hoped for an Acceptable. It really didn't matter because Harry never intended to take another class from Professor Snape. He knew there would be no way he could ever control his anger once the Professor started trying to humiliate him. Two months ago, receiving these O.W.L.s would have made him very happy, but as things are now they just added to his emotional confusion. He had wanted to pursue becoming an Auror but now with the Prophecy, what he wanted to do didn't seem to matter, other people always seemed to decide what he was supposed to do. Evidence to how widely Harry's mood swings were, reading this letter got him thinking about the future and not about the thing that had been so close to the surface lately.
Turning his attention to the second letter, Harry noticed it was about N.E.W.T. level classes.
Mr. Potter.
Based on the results of your O.W.L. exams, you have the option to begin
N.E.W.T. level classes in the following disciplines; Transfiguration,
Potions, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts.
If your intention is still to pursue a career as an Auror, I would
suggest you sign up for all four of those classes.
Please return this letter indicating your choices by August 15th.
Professor McGonagall Head of Gryffindor House
Transfiguration _____________
Potions _____________
Charms _____________
Defense Against the Dark Arts _____________
"Well, there goes my chance to be an Auror," Harry thought. There was no way he was taking Potions, no matter what. "I wonder if Potions is a real requirement?" Harry thought before shrugging his shoulders and turning to the third letter.
Harry,
I wondered if you were planning on continuing with the Defense group
you and Miss Granger founded last year? I imagine Miss Granger would
be interested in continuing if you agree and it could prove useful to
you as well.
Please send your response back with your N.E.W.T. class selection.
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts
Harry knew his answer to this letter. He wasn't going to lead the group again. If he hadn't been the leader of the group last year, at least Neville, Ginny and Luna wouldn't have come with him to the Department of Mysteries. Ron and Hermione would still have probably come, but at least no one else would have been around. Quickly, Harry grabbed a quill and signed up for Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense. He also wrote a note back to Dumbledore.
Professor Dumbledore,
I don't really want to do anything with the Defense group this year.
Looking back, it was probably a mistake to form it last year.
Harry Potter
Harry rolled up the two parchments and tied them back to the owl. The creature still made no move to fly away and continued looking at Harry strangely. Shaking his head, Harry sat on his bed thinking how bizarre it seemed to be thinking about which classes to take when he went from day to day not knowing if he would make it back to school or not. Some days he was sure that he wouldn't be back at Hogwarts this year, and some days he longed to be back playing seeker for Gryffindor.
The notes had started him thinking about Hogwarts and his friends. "I nearly got them killed for no reason," Harry thought. "How can they still want to be my friend?" They had all been in dangerous situations in previous years, but each of those times, there were real, valid reasons for the risks. This time there was no reason, they had blindly followed Harry into a trap. "They probably won't want to be around me much this year," he mumbled. Again, this caused very mixed emotions. On the one hand, he liked this idea since they would be placed in less danger if they weren't around much. On the other hand, they were his best friends and he didn't know how he would make it through a year without them around.
"Ah! This is driving me crazy!" he loudly exclaimed, causing the delivery owl to hoot and jump to the top of Hedwig's cage. "I wish I could just get this over with," he added, meaning that he wished he could just face Voldemort and let it end, one way or the other. Then, the fear over what that would mean for his friends hit him. He didn't fear for his own life, getting so close to taking it himself these days, but if the prophecy was true, and he was the only one who could defeat Voldemort for good, his death would cause the people he cared about to be placed in even more danger. These were the thoughts Harry tried to focus on. Even though the pressure of this responsibility weighed on him heavily, it did give him something other than his grief to deal with.
Grabbing one of the advanced Defense books that Lupin and Sirius gave him last year for Christmas, Harry fell back onto his bed and began re-reading the chapters, concentrating hard on understanding what each spell did and trying to understand when it could be useful.
A sudden sound interrupted Harry's reading. Looking up, he saw Hedwig land next to her cage and begin clicking her beak at the delivery owl, which responded, with many rapid clicks. The delivery owl quickly left and Hedwig, looking exhausted entered her cage, picked at her food and water and then looked at Harry with her large, brown eyes.
"Where'd you go girl?" Harry asked as he approached her cage to stroke her for a moment. Hedwig hooted softly and closed her eyes as Harry stroked the back of her head. "You be careful out there," Harry added, "I don't want anything to happen to you." The owl nipped his finger lightly and closed her eyes again.
Harry didn't realize he had been reading so long, as the sun was beginning to set. He decided to go downstairs to see if there was any supper left. As had been the case since he returned this summer, his relatives pretended not to see him come down the stairs so Harry moved quickly to the kitchen and found some leftovers still available. After eating a bit, Harry returned to his room and tried to keep his mind off of the things that would cause his sense of despair to well up again.
The house was dark and quiet as the soft green light caused the back door to swing open. Two figures walked purposely up the stairs, the smaller stopping at the first bedroom while the tall, thin one continued on to the large bedroom at the end of the hall. With a sudden flash of red, both doors were blown open and after a moment of confusion, the screams started. The man in bed quickly reached for a thin piece of wood lying at the corner of a nearby table, but as his fingers began to close around the instrument, a thin beam of red light struck severing the fingers at the knuckle.
A loud cold laugh could be heard over the screams of fear and pain. "You will never be quicker than me Banks," the thin wizard said causing the hairs on the other occupants of the bedroom to stand on end.
Just then the other figure came in dragging the first bedroom's occupant roughly by the arm. The girl looked to be no more than five and was crying in fear.
"Let her go!" the man in the bed yelled and tried to stand. Instantly a blue light flew from the standing wizard's wand locking the other man into his position in bed.
"I think not Banks," the wizard said. "You should have known better than to turn down the offer my associate presented you with."
"Please don't hurt them. I'll do what you want, whatever you want!" the man pleaded.
The female hooded wizard laughed and then the taller one spoke, "You had your chance Banks. I do not allow second chances."
The wizard nodded to his companion who pushed the girl against the wall and said 'Crucio'! The young girl's screams filled the house, but her parents were powerless to do anything about them. After seemed like hours, the curse was lifted and the little girl lay twitching on the floor. Her mother had become violently ill watching the spectacle.
"You should have joined me Banks," the wizard said before raising his wand, pointing it at the girl and softly saying 'Avada Kedavra'. The green light flew out and the young girl instantly stopped twitching. The only sound now was the ghoulish laughter from the female hooded wizard.
"Do you think he's ready for his other daughter to die Bellatrix?" Voldemort asked.
After a short laugh, she replied "Oh yes my Lord. Seeing his other daughter die would be just what he deserves."
"What are you talking about? I don't have another daughter," Mr. Banks got out through the gasps of sorrow.
"You don't know! You wife hasn't given you the wonderful news yet?" Voldemort asked causing Bellatrix to laugh again. "Oh yes, you do indeed have another daughter. It seems your wife hasn't found the time to give you the news."
Mr. Banks turned to his wife who was silent with utter terror in her eyes. Her arms were crossed over her stomach as if that act could protect her unborn daughter. The man turned back to Voldemort and said, "No! Please, I'll do anything."
"Bellatrix, I'll leave the decision up to you. Do we give him a second chance and allow them to raise another daughter?" Voldemort calmly asked.
"Hmmm.Let me think." Bellatrix said as if deciding what to order. "I think. NOT!" she screamed as a red beam lashed out of her wand striking the woman squarely in the stomach causing a large gash. Instantly, the bed was covered in blood and the next moment, the woman's screams stopped.
"I don't think I'll kill you yet Banks," Voldemort coldly said. "I think you should live with the guilt of what your choice cost you. I dare say that the next Minister of Finance will be more accommodating of my wishes. Come Bellatrix," Voldemort added as the two turned and walked out of the room.
Even before they reached the stairs, they heard 'Avada Kedavra' from the bedroom and saw the green light fade. "I thought he would last longer. If I had known it would have been that quick, we would have stayed to watch," Voldemort said before the two disappeared with a crack.
Quickly snapping upright, Harry wiped the sweat from his face and tried to get his rapid breathing back under control. Recalling what he had just witnessed, he ran from his room and barely made it to the loo before getting sick. After wiping his face with cold water, he slowly made his way back to his room, took out parchment and quill and began recording the details of the latest killing. The joy Voldemort got watching others experience pain and suffering almost made Harry ill again.
Walking over to his Owl, Harry softy said, "How can I fight him Hedwig? What do they expect of me?" Harry was absent-mindedly stroking his bird. After a few moments, he shook his head, headed for the shower to start his daily routine again.
After a bite of breakfast, Harry gathered the other dream parchments and placed the latest one on top. Glancing at the stack, he sighed heavily realizing that there were about ten dreams and probably twenty-five deaths. The day after having a dream was somehow easier for Harry. His guilt at what his own actions had causes was tempered by the remorse for the latest family killed at Voldemort's hands.
Just as he was placing the parchments back into his trunk, his silent brooding was interrupted by the booming voice of his Uncle Vernon.
"Get down here boy!"
Most summers it was quite common for his uncle to yell at him like this, but this would be the first thing the man had said to him this year, so Harry was very interested to know what had brought this on. Arriving at the bottom of the stairs his Uncle spoke up again, "Mrs. Figg just called and needs some help around the house."
"Why can't she do it herself?" Harry angrily asked, not wanting to be around anyone at the moment.
"You'll go help her and keep your attitude to yourself. You've done nothing around here but eat our food since you got back," Vernon bellowed back.
"Fine, I'll go help her," Harry dejectedly said.
"You'll act normally around her. None of your funny business," Vernon said narrowing his eyes while staring at Harry.
Harry was already out the front door when he mumbled, "That won't be a problem, compared to her I'm as normal as the come."
Walking along the street, Harry wondered which member of the Order was following him and where they were. He hated that they were trying to protect him so much. "They should be out trying to stop Voldemort!" he angrily thought to himself.
Arriving at the house, Harry took a moment to breathe deeply, trying to suppress the emotions that had been so quick to bubble up in the past few weeks. He knew Mrs. Figg hadn't done anything that would deserve him flying off the handle at. Harry knocked on the door and was not prepared at all for who answered.
"Hello Harry," Remus Lupin said as the door swung open. He looked worse than Harry could remember, with dark circles around his eyes. Harry just stared at the man with so many different feelings running around inside of him. The sound of Lupin's voice refocused his attention, "Please come inside Harry. I want to see how you're doing."
This was the person Harry was both most anxious to see and at the same time dreading seeing. Harry knew he had been responsible for the death of Professor Lupin's best friend, the only friend from school that he had left. He wasn't prepared for this meeting and was trying his best to conceal his panic as he stepped inside, with his head hung low.
Trying to come up with anything to say he managed "Where's Mrs. Figg?"
"Out for a few hours. I wanted us to have some time alone," Lupin said softly.
"Oh," Harry got out and began to worry about how this would go.
"How are you doing Harry?" Lupin asked and then continued, "Your owl paid us a visit yesterday and seemed very agitated."
"So that's where she went," Harry thought. Harry shrugged and said, "I guess I'm ok."
"Really? Then you're doing better than I am," Lupin stated, shocking Harry with his frankness. It must have shown because Lupin continued, "I forgot how bad it was to lose someone you really cared about. Losing James and Lily was so long ago that I didn't remember it being this hard, but it must have been."
Harry just stared as his former teacher, his breathing becoming more rapid. He didn't understand the point the man was trying to make and really didn't feel like having this conversation right now.
After a moment or two of silence, Lupin continued, "You have to be hurting right now, and I wanted you to know that I understand how you feel."
Those words didn't sit well with Harry. Everyone always said they knew how he felt and he knew there was no way they could. "You don't know how I feel, you can't. It wasn't your fault that he's gone, it was mine!"
"Harry! It was not your fault," Lupin forcefully stated. Harry started to reply but the man cut him off, "No one thinks it was your fault. Many things could have been done differently and any one of them could have changed the outcome. You did what you truly believed was the right thing. You risked everything when you thought he was in danger, just as he did for you."
"But he wasn't in danger! I led five other students into a trap," Harry exclaimed.
"Did you ask them to come with you?" Lupin asked.
"No, but I didn't stop them either," Harry quickly replied.
"And they're all ok now. Listen, this is the kind of thing Voldemort thrives on. He wants things to happen that tear us apart. It's not nearly as bad as it was the first time."
Harry looked at the man and sounding defeated asked, "How can you even stand to be around me? I wouldn't want to."
"Harry, Sirius and I always knew something like this could happen. We chose this path. As much as I miss him, I am very proud of him and how he dealt with his life." Lupin paused for a moment before continuing to speak, "I won't lie. Seeing you is hard, but not because I blame you. I just see so much of James in you that it brings up how much I've lost to Voldemort. I'm not your father, or even your official godfather, but I do want to be as much a part of your life as you'll let me. I think we could both use each other; it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, we'll get through this eventually."
Harry shook his head and said, "I can't believe how much I miss him."
"I know Harry, I really do," Lupin said. The two sat in silence for a while before Lupin spoke up, "We'll bring you to headquarters right after your birthday. Your friends are already there."
Harry tensed up before saying, "I'm not going back to that house. I'd kill Kreacher the first time I saw that little traitor."
Lupin must have been expecting this attitude because he calmly replied, "Kreacher has been dealt with. We couldn't trust him in the house and we couldn't set him free."
"Good," Harry stated with some pleasure. "I'm still not going back to that place."
"That's the only place we can bring you."
"Then I'll stay at the Dursleys. There is no way I'm ever going back to that house," Harry stated with determination.
Lupin sighed. "I won't make you come, but think about it. Everyone wants to see you."
Harry felt bad at passing up the chance to see his friends but couldn't bear to think about returning to the house. "I can't go back there." Thinking for a moment, Harry asked, "What happens to the house now? Wasn't it Sirius'?"
"Everyone in the Order plans for something like this happening, so Sirius had made arrangements. The house has been transferred to me, along with half of the remaining family assets. The other half of the family assets was transferred to your vault," Lupin sadly said before reaching into his robes and producing a letter. "Here," he said, handing the letter to Harry. "Sirius wrote this for you. You can read it now or later, I don't know what is says."
Harry looked at the unopened letter for a moment and then said, "I'll read it later."
"Ok. I need to get back. Trust me when I say things will get better. Remember what Voldemort does and why we're in this struggle," Lupin said and then seemed to be struggling with something. "Oh, try to not be too hard on Dumbledore. I think he's concerned what you think of him now. He's trying to do what he thinks is best, don't forget that."
Harry nodded and the two got up. Before Harry could turn to the door, Lupin spoke up, "I can never replace Sirius, but I'd like for you to consider me your backup Godfather. I was next on the list you know."
Harry could tell Lupin was trying to hide his sorrow and genuinely meant the comment. Trying to do the same, and appreciating the offer Harry replied, "Thanks.Remus, I'd like that." Without further words, Harry left and slowly walked back to the Dursleys trying to keep his mind from wandering to dangerous thoughts.
Not remembering anything about the walk, he entered the back door just as Aunt Petunia was about to throw out the leftovers. Remarkably she paused, set the bowls down and went into the living room, giving Harry enough time to make a plate for himself and disappear up to his room.
Harry walked straight to Hedwig, who was sitting near the window and handed her a scrap from his plate. "So, you've been telling on me have you," Harry said in a non-accusing tone to the owl. Hedwig clicked her beak a couple times before Harry stroked her back and said, "I guess I'm lucky you can't talk, huh?"
After eating, Harry's eyes traveled over the photo album that was still lying open to the picture that showed his godfather smiling up at him. This reminded him about the note Lupin had handed him. Hesitantly, he pulled the note out and just looked at it for quite some time before taking a deep breath and breaking the seal and opening the note.
Harry
First of all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Now I don't know what happened of course, but I know how you are and
have probably been blaming yourself for something careless that I did.
Unless you snuck up on me and personally killed me, don't blame
yourself. I won't.
Now, let's change the subject a bit. It's been great knowing you and
my only regret is that we weren't able to spend much time together
doing fun things. We should have been able to travel during the
summers and just enjoy being together. Hell, James and Lily should
have been with us as well. But, things don't always work out the way
we'd like. I'm sure I don't have to remind you of that. You've dealt
with more before your sixteenth birthday than most will in a lifetime,
and you've amazed me at how you've dealt with it all. Better than I
would have, that's for sure. I need to say that you get that from
Lily, James wouldn't have done any better than I would have.
This was written right after Christmas, so depending on when you're
reading this ,it may be out of date. Lupin and I try to update these
kinds of things every few months. It was his suggestion; you know I
wouldn't think of things like this. You also had to realize that
staying in this house is driving me crazy; it's almost as bad as
Azkaban.
Let me guess what happened: I was standing at the door and a big
white female poodle walked by.Ah wait, that was a dream.. Let's see,
I heard a rumor that worthless slime Wormtail had been seen and I,
ignoring Dumbledore's suggestion, bolted out to find him and landed in
a trap. Hopefully you didn't hear about it and try to come after me
and get yourself hurt or anything.
Ok, good news and then my biggest regret. First, I had a fair amount
of gold in Gringotts (how do you think I could get a Firebolt for
you). I'm giving half of it to Lupin since the worthless Ministry
keeps passing laws that make it harder for him to find work. I'm
giving you the other half, even though you really wouldn't need it
unless you went really stupid after graduating. You're family did
pretty well.
Now, my biggest regret is that I won't be there to give you "the
talk". You know about girls. You're going to have to hear it from
Moony! I would have been so much better; you could have learned
things that would have had them lined up around the block. Ah, but I
guess Moony knows how most things go, but I'm sure the way he'll
explain it will make it sound like work.
I know the basic gist of the Prophecy and I imagine you're wondering
how you could possibly ever kill him. Well, my advice is to not think
about it. The first time around every one of us would have given
anything to kill him and we never got the opportunity to try. Just
try to live your life as best you can. Play Quidditch, get a
girlfriend (or two), and stay close to your friends. Even though the
Prophecy says you have to fight him, you don't have to be alone.
Don't forget that.
Well, hopefully by now, I've found James and Lily and am in the
process of telling them everything I can about you. We aren't gone
forever you know. You already saw your mom and dad after your fourth
year. Maybe you'll see all three of us before you join us. I will
kick your ass if you join us before you're Dumbledore's age though.
Give Moony a chance to be a godfather; he was a bit tweaked at James
when he made me the first choice.
Take care Harry. Your parents and I will be watching and if we can
ever help, I promise we'll find a way.
Sirius
Harry read the note at least three times before he placed it into the small box in his trunk where his sentimental notes were kept along with his first Hogwarts letter. Harry had expected the letter to make him fall apart but he actually felt a little better after reading it. He still blamed himself for what happened, but somehow things didn't seem quite so dark at the moment.
Before trying to sleep, Harry stroked Hedwig and said, "You can go hunt tonight girl, I promise, I'll be ok." Hedwig cocked her head, appraising her friend closely before nipping his finger and flying out. Harry fell asleep quickly and was having a sound and peaceful sleep until the vision of another man being killed by Bellatrix Lestrang shocked him awake. Seeing the sun begin to rise, he quickly recorded his dream and started his daily routine.
Over the next few days, Harry had done nothing to cause Hedwig to become overly concerned for her friend and she had begun hunting on a regular schedule when it got dark. One night however, this almost resulted in something terrible happening. Harry hadn't received any packages on his birthday and after three days of wondering why, the sadness of this coupled with the guilt of what he felt was his fault had allowed the thoughts of being unable to deal with the future to creep back into his mind. After watching Hedwig fly out the window one night, he barely pushed the thoughts into the background and went to bed still clutching his wand. Soon after falling asleep, he had another dream, one that pushed him to the brink. Voldemort and Bellatrix had just finished killing a woman who looked vaguely familiar to Harry. He heard the whimpering sobs coming from down the hall and heard Bellatrix say, "So, the daughter IS at home."
"Timms was indeed talented. He hid that well," Voldemort said as the two walked toward the door where the sound was coming from. "Nevertheless, his deception didn't change the outcome."
The door burst open and the little girl began screaming loudly. Harry suddenly knew why the lady looked familiar. The girl was Mila Timms, a Hufflepuff two years below him. Harry had noticed her and her friends rooting for Gryffindor at Quidditch unless they were playing Hufflepuff. Hermione mentioned the girls had a crush on him.
Voldemort bent down and picked up something, the Daily Prophet. "Look Bellatrix, she must think him her savior!" Voldemort showed the paper to Bellatrix and Harry saw it was a large picture of himself.
"Ah, does the little girl think Harry Potter will save her?" Lestrange said laughing.
"Harry Potter can do nothing to save you Mudblood. In fact he's the reason you're going to die! He exposed me to the world before I was ready. If I had finished my plan, you would have lived much longer," the evil wizard said before laughing out loud, causing the girl to scream even more. "You can thank Harry Potter that your death has come so soon," Voldemort said before uttering the killing curse, sending a green flash into the girl causing her to slump down silently.
Bellatrix began laughing but Voldemort cut her off, "You see what they think of him! He has made a mockery of me! None of you have been able to stop him, NONE!"
"But Master, I was about to before he showed up," Lestrang said with fear in her voice.
"He is but a boy Bellatrix, how could you have failed?"
"It will not happen again my Lord," Bellatrix pleaded.
"It will be your last if it does. Come, we must get back," Voldemort commanded before they both disappeared.
Harry woke up with tears streaming down his face. "See, if I was gone that girl would still be alive," he thought. "How many more is he going to kill just to get back at me? I wish Sirius was here, I can't do this without him." Harry closed his eyes and breathed deeply but couldn't clear the thought. "I don't WANT to do this without him. I want OUT!" Harry gripped his wand even tighter, glanced around the room, stopping on Hedwig's empty cage. "I'm sorry girl, I just can't stand this. I'll miss you," Harry whispered as he wiped a tear before regaining his resolve. Roughly placing the tip of his wand against his chest, he started saying the words. As they were coming out, everything seemed to slow down so much that each syllable seemed to take minutes to complete. "Avada Ke..."
Harry Potter woke up early, sleep being no comfort for him. He followed the same routine each day, not really thinking. First he would glance at the photograph in the album Hagrid had given him after his first year at Hogwarts. The picture was of his parent's wedding and also showed his godfather, Sirius Black. He would spend a few minutes watching the black and white people smile and wave up enthusiastically at him. Next he spent a few minutes stroking Hedwig while staring absent-mindedly out the window. Without having any good reason to, he would then take a shower each morning before going down and grabbing some breakfast before retreating to this room to eat.
His Aunt and Uncle, the Dursleys were treating him differently this year. After being threatened by Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin and other members of the Order, the Dursleys hadn't said anything on the drive home. The few weeks since his return had been the same as well, no nasty comments, no threats, no anything. Aunt Petunia always had meals ready for him, but never called him when they were ready. He quickly fell into the routine and it fit his mood perfectly. The comfort he felt at having the members of the Order standing beside him was soon replaced by the realization of what had actually happened just a few weeks earlier.
As was expected of him, he sent the same note to the Order every three days.
Everything is fine. Harry
Like last year, the notes from his friends had been short and cryptic. Even though he understood the need for this it didn't help his mood at all. He had realized that they were staying at 12 Grimmauld Place again this summer, but he didn't get much more information out of the notes. Hermione always included a comment, "Don't let everything get you down. It's going to be ok."
It only took a few of these before he quit opening the letters and sent a reply saying his Uncle was getting very upset with him receiving owls. "She has no idea what I feel," Harry thought. But as soon as he became angry at her, he quickly remembered that she was seriously hurt following him into danger for no reason at all. That changed the strong anger he had felt at her into even stronger anger at himself. This time, no one could truthfully say that his friends' injuries and Sirius' death wasn't his fault. Harry led five students into a trap where they were all hurt. It was pure luck that any of them made it out alive. Harry's best friends were nearly and his godfather was killed because he had; as Hermione put it 'A saving people thing.'
Harry alternated between hating everything to do with the wizarding world and hating the thought of not being a part of the magical community. Even though the best memories in his life had come after he found out he was a wizard, by far the worst memories were also bound to that world. His thoughts of his friends swung equally as far. Some moments he desperately wanted to be sitting around talking to them both, and the next moment he didn't want to be around them at all. He couldn't understand why they would want anything to do with him either. He had been the direct cause of so much pain for both of them that Harry couldn't comprehend how they could want to be around him anymore.
This particular day was hard on Harry for some reason. As had been happening every few nights, he was woken up by a terrifying vision of someone, or more often multiple people being tortured or killed. After the first couple times, Harry began recording the visions on parchment. He didn't know why for sure, but he felt compelled to do this. Harry told himself he deserved the pain of seeing these visions since he could have prevented them by learning Occlumency. Most times, this thought quickly turned to the memory that Professor Snape never did try to teach him anything. The only thing the Professor ever said was for him to clear his mind, never once telling Harry how to stop the mental intrusions. At these times, Harry didn't know who he hated more, Professor Snape or himself.
As was quite common since returning from school, the guilt and remorse quickly flared, and in one swift motion, Harry grabbed his wand and pictured what he wanted to do. The nightly routine had suddenly intruded into his daylight activities. He was in the right mood, the anger and guilt more than enough. "It would only take a second," he thought, "One spell and it would all be over." Closing his eyes, the decision had been made.
The instant his arm began to rise, Hedwig frantically flapped her wings and hooted loudly. Harry tried to take a deep breath and focus so he could continue but the flapping persisted and when Harry looked, he noticed a large owl waiting on the ledge outside his window. The distraction was sufficient to interrupt his motion and after slowly letting out his breath, he walked to the window and removed the letters from the owl. Before the strange owl could fly away, Hedwig began clicking her beak and giving small hoots. Harry noticed the other owl looking at her slightly cocking its head to one side. The other owl gave a few clicks before Hedwig flew out the widow and quickly disappeared.
Harry looked confused for a moment and then noticed the letters were from Hogwarts. 'Probably my O.W.L.s,' he thought. Looking back, he noticed the other owl still sitting near the window watching him closely. "Thank you for delivering these. You can go now," Harry said to the owl. However, the creature seemed to pay him no mind and didn't move at all. Harry shrugged and then threw the letters onto his desk, being in no mood to deal with the people running his life.
Picking up the photo album again, Harry sat at the edge of his bed and thumbed through the pages as he had done more this summer than in the other four summers since he received the album. He knew from memory which pictures where on which pages and could turn directly to the ones he thought would make him feel the best at any time. All he wanted right now was to look at the picture that showed his godfather. If he hadn't spent so much time crying during the past few weeks, he would surely be doing that now, but the tears would no longer come. He sat in silence, watching his godfather wave up at him wishing he could go back in time five weeks and change his decision to charge into the Department of Mysteries. It all seemed so clear at the time and now the results of his haste were painfully clear.
Looking up, Harry saw the delivery owl still looking at him with a cocked head. Instead of anger flaring again, he felt bad for being short with the creature before and got up, retrieved a treat and went over to the owl. "Sorry I was short with you," Harry said handing the treat to the owl who quickly took it from his fingers. Harry stroked the bird and said, "I haven't been very nice to anyone this summer." Harry continued softly stroking the bird for a few minutes, contemplating the simple pleasure he got from the softness of its feathers under his hand.
After a couple minutes, Harry glanced at the letters the owl delivered and now that his mood had mellowed out, his curiosity got the best of him and he opened the first letter.
Ordinary Wizarding Level test results for Harry James Potter
Divination: Poor History of Magic: Poor Astronomy: Acceptable Herbology: Acceptable Transfiguration: Theory Exceeds Expectations Transifguration: Practical Exceeds Expectations Potions: Theory Outstanding Potions: Practical Exceeds Expectations Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding Charms: Theory Exceeds Expectations Charms: Practical Outstanding Defense Against the Dark Arts: Theory Outstanding Defense Against the Dark Arts: Practical Outstanding
'Exceeds Expectations and Outstanding in Potions?" Harry thought. He knew he felt more comfortable and confident taking the test without Professor Snape around but had really only hoped for an Acceptable. It really didn't matter because Harry never intended to take another class from Professor Snape. He knew there would be no way he could ever control his anger once the Professor started trying to humiliate him. Two months ago, receiving these O.W.L.s would have made him very happy, but as things are now they just added to his emotional confusion. He had wanted to pursue becoming an Auror but now with the Prophecy, what he wanted to do didn't seem to matter, other people always seemed to decide what he was supposed to do. Evidence to how widely Harry's mood swings were, reading this letter got him thinking about the future and not about the thing that had been so close to the surface lately.
Turning his attention to the second letter, Harry noticed it was about N.E.W.T. level classes.
Mr. Potter.
Based on the results of your O.W.L. exams, you have the option to begin
N.E.W.T. level classes in the following disciplines; Transfiguration,
Potions, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts.
If your intention is still to pursue a career as an Auror, I would
suggest you sign up for all four of those classes.
Please return this letter indicating your choices by August 15th.
Professor McGonagall Head of Gryffindor House
Transfiguration _____________
Potions _____________
Charms _____________
Defense Against the Dark Arts _____________
"Well, there goes my chance to be an Auror," Harry thought. There was no way he was taking Potions, no matter what. "I wonder if Potions is a real requirement?" Harry thought before shrugging his shoulders and turning to the third letter.
Harry,
I wondered if you were planning on continuing with the Defense group
you and Miss Granger founded last year? I imagine Miss Granger would
be interested in continuing if you agree and it could prove useful to
you as well.
Please send your response back with your N.E.W.T. class selection.
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts
Harry knew his answer to this letter. He wasn't going to lead the group again. If he hadn't been the leader of the group last year, at least Neville, Ginny and Luna wouldn't have come with him to the Department of Mysteries. Ron and Hermione would still have probably come, but at least no one else would have been around. Quickly, Harry grabbed a quill and signed up for Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense. He also wrote a note back to Dumbledore.
Professor Dumbledore,
I don't really want to do anything with the Defense group this year.
Looking back, it was probably a mistake to form it last year.
Harry Potter
Harry rolled up the two parchments and tied them back to the owl. The creature still made no move to fly away and continued looking at Harry strangely. Shaking his head, Harry sat on his bed thinking how bizarre it seemed to be thinking about which classes to take when he went from day to day not knowing if he would make it back to school or not. Some days he was sure that he wouldn't be back at Hogwarts this year, and some days he longed to be back playing seeker for Gryffindor.
The notes had started him thinking about Hogwarts and his friends. "I nearly got them killed for no reason," Harry thought. "How can they still want to be my friend?" They had all been in dangerous situations in previous years, but each of those times, there were real, valid reasons for the risks. This time there was no reason, they had blindly followed Harry into a trap. "They probably won't want to be around me much this year," he mumbled. Again, this caused very mixed emotions. On the one hand, he liked this idea since they would be placed in less danger if they weren't around much. On the other hand, they were his best friends and he didn't know how he would make it through a year without them around.
"Ah! This is driving me crazy!" he loudly exclaimed, causing the delivery owl to hoot and jump to the top of Hedwig's cage. "I wish I could just get this over with," he added, meaning that he wished he could just face Voldemort and let it end, one way or the other. Then, the fear over what that would mean for his friends hit him. He didn't fear for his own life, getting so close to taking it himself these days, but if the prophecy was true, and he was the only one who could defeat Voldemort for good, his death would cause the people he cared about to be placed in even more danger. These were the thoughts Harry tried to focus on. Even though the pressure of this responsibility weighed on him heavily, it did give him something other than his grief to deal with.
Grabbing one of the advanced Defense books that Lupin and Sirius gave him last year for Christmas, Harry fell back onto his bed and began re-reading the chapters, concentrating hard on understanding what each spell did and trying to understand when it could be useful.
A sudden sound interrupted Harry's reading. Looking up, he saw Hedwig land next to her cage and begin clicking her beak at the delivery owl, which responded, with many rapid clicks. The delivery owl quickly left and Hedwig, looking exhausted entered her cage, picked at her food and water and then looked at Harry with her large, brown eyes.
"Where'd you go girl?" Harry asked as he approached her cage to stroke her for a moment. Hedwig hooted softly and closed her eyes as Harry stroked the back of her head. "You be careful out there," Harry added, "I don't want anything to happen to you." The owl nipped his finger lightly and closed her eyes again.
Harry didn't realize he had been reading so long, as the sun was beginning to set. He decided to go downstairs to see if there was any supper left. As had been the case since he returned this summer, his relatives pretended not to see him come down the stairs so Harry moved quickly to the kitchen and found some leftovers still available. After eating a bit, Harry returned to his room and tried to keep his mind off of the things that would cause his sense of despair to well up again.
The house was dark and quiet as the soft green light caused the back door to swing open. Two figures walked purposely up the stairs, the smaller stopping at the first bedroom while the tall, thin one continued on to the large bedroom at the end of the hall. With a sudden flash of red, both doors were blown open and after a moment of confusion, the screams started. The man in bed quickly reached for a thin piece of wood lying at the corner of a nearby table, but as his fingers began to close around the instrument, a thin beam of red light struck severing the fingers at the knuckle.
A loud cold laugh could be heard over the screams of fear and pain. "You will never be quicker than me Banks," the thin wizard said causing the hairs on the other occupants of the bedroom to stand on end.
Just then the other figure came in dragging the first bedroom's occupant roughly by the arm. The girl looked to be no more than five and was crying in fear.
"Let her go!" the man in the bed yelled and tried to stand. Instantly a blue light flew from the standing wizard's wand locking the other man into his position in bed.
"I think not Banks," the wizard said. "You should have known better than to turn down the offer my associate presented you with."
"Please don't hurt them. I'll do what you want, whatever you want!" the man pleaded.
The female hooded wizard laughed and then the taller one spoke, "You had your chance Banks. I do not allow second chances."
The wizard nodded to his companion who pushed the girl against the wall and said 'Crucio'! The young girl's screams filled the house, but her parents were powerless to do anything about them. After seemed like hours, the curse was lifted and the little girl lay twitching on the floor. Her mother had become violently ill watching the spectacle.
"You should have joined me Banks," the wizard said before raising his wand, pointing it at the girl and softly saying 'Avada Kedavra'. The green light flew out and the young girl instantly stopped twitching. The only sound now was the ghoulish laughter from the female hooded wizard.
"Do you think he's ready for his other daughter to die Bellatrix?" Voldemort asked.
After a short laugh, she replied "Oh yes my Lord. Seeing his other daughter die would be just what he deserves."
"What are you talking about? I don't have another daughter," Mr. Banks got out through the gasps of sorrow.
"You don't know! You wife hasn't given you the wonderful news yet?" Voldemort asked causing Bellatrix to laugh again. "Oh yes, you do indeed have another daughter. It seems your wife hasn't found the time to give you the news."
Mr. Banks turned to his wife who was silent with utter terror in her eyes. Her arms were crossed over her stomach as if that act could protect her unborn daughter. The man turned back to Voldemort and said, "No! Please, I'll do anything."
"Bellatrix, I'll leave the decision up to you. Do we give him a second chance and allow them to raise another daughter?" Voldemort calmly asked.
"Hmmm.Let me think." Bellatrix said as if deciding what to order. "I think. NOT!" she screamed as a red beam lashed out of her wand striking the woman squarely in the stomach causing a large gash. Instantly, the bed was covered in blood and the next moment, the woman's screams stopped.
"I don't think I'll kill you yet Banks," Voldemort coldly said. "I think you should live with the guilt of what your choice cost you. I dare say that the next Minister of Finance will be more accommodating of my wishes. Come Bellatrix," Voldemort added as the two turned and walked out of the room.
Even before they reached the stairs, they heard 'Avada Kedavra' from the bedroom and saw the green light fade. "I thought he would last longer. If I had known it would have been that quick, we would have stayed to watch," Voldemort said before the two disappeared with a crack.
Quickly snapping upright, Harry wiped the sweat from his face and tried to get his rapid breathing back under control. Recalling what he had just witnessed, he ran from his room and barely made it to the loo before getting sick. After wiping his face with cold water, he slowly made his way back to his room, took out parchment and quill and began recording the details of the latest killing. The joy Voldemort got watching others experience pain and suffering almost made Harry ill again.
Walking over to his Owl, Harry softy said, "How can I fight him Hedwig? What do they expect of me?" Harry was absent-mindedly stroking his bird. After a few moments, he shook his head, headed for the shower to start his daily routine again.
After a bite of breakfast, Harry gathered the other dream parchments and placed the latest one on top. Glancing at the stack, he sighed heavily realizing that there were about ten dreams and probably twenty-five deaths. The day after having a dream was somehow easier for Harry. His guilt at what his own actions had causes was tempered by the remorse for the latest family killed at Voldemort's hands.
Just as he was placing the parchments back into his trunk, his silent brooding was interrupted by the booming voice of his Uncle Vernon.
"Get down here boy!"
Most summers it was quite common for his uncle to yell at him like this, but this would be the first thing the man had said to him this year, so Harry was very interested to know what had brought this on. Arriving at the bottom of the stairs his Uncle spoke up again, "Mrs. Figg just called and needs some help around the house."
"Why can't she do it herself?" Harry angrily asked, not wanting to be around anyone at the moment.
"You'll go help her and keep your attitude to yourself. You've done nothing around here but eat our food since you got back," Vernon bellowed back.
"Fine, I'll go help her," Harry dejectedly said.
"You'll act normally around her. None of your funny business," Vernon said narrowing his eyes while staring at Harry.
Harry was already out the front door when he mumbled, "That won't be a problem, compared to her I'm as normal as the come."
Walking along the street, Harry wondered which member of the Order was following him and where they were. He hated that they were trying to protect him so much. "They should be out trying to stop Voldemort!" he angrily thought to himself.
Arriving at the house, Harry took a moment to breathe deeply, trying to suppress the emotions that had been so quick to bubble up in the past few weeks. He knew Mrs. Figg hadn't done anything that would deserve him flying off the handle at. Harry knocked on the door and was not prepared at all for who answered.
"Hello Harry," Remus Lupin said as the door swung open. He looked worse than Harry could remember, with dark circles around his eyes. Harry just stared at the man with so many different feelings running around inside of him. The sound of Lupin's voice refocused his attention, "Please come inside Harry. I want to see how you're doing."
This was the person Harry was both most anxious to see and at the same time dreading seeing. Harry knew he had been responsible for the death of Professor Lupin's best friend, the only friend from school that he had left. He wasn't prepared for this meeting and was trying his best to conceal his panic as he stepped inside, with his head hung low.
Trying to come up with anything to say he managed "Where's Mrs. Figg?"
"Out for a few hours. I wanted us to have some time alone," Lupin said softly.
"Oh," Harry got out and began to worry about how this would go.
"How are you doing Harry?" Lupin asked and then continued, "Your owl paid us a visit yesterday and seemed very agitated."
"So that's where she went," Harry thought. Harry shrugged and said, "I guess I'm ok."
"Really? Then you're doing better than I am," Lupin stated, shocking Harry with his frankness. It must have shown because Lupin continued, "I forgot how bad it was to lose someone you really cared about. Losing James and Lily was so long ago that I didn't remember it being this hard, but it must have been."
Harry just stared as his former teacher, his breathing becoming more rapid. He didn't understand the point the man was trying to make and really didn't feel like having this conversation right now.
After a moment or two of silence, Lupin continued, "You have to be hurting right now, and I wanted you to know that I understand how you feel."
Those words didn't sit well with Harry. Everyone always said they knew how he felt and he knew there was no way they could. "You don't know how I feel, you can't. It wasn't your fault that he's gone, it was mine!"
"Harry! It was not your fault," Lupin forcefully stated. Harry started to reply but the man cut him off, "No one thinks it was your fault. Many things could have been done differently and any one of them could have changed the outcome. You did what you truly believed was the right thing. You risked everything when you thought he was in danger, just as he did for you."
"But he wasn't in danger! I led five other students into a trap," Harry exclaimed.
"Did you ask them to come with you?" Lupin asked.
"No, but I didn't stop them either," Harry quickly replied.
"And they're all ok now. Listen, this is the kind of thing Voldemort thrives on. He wants things to happen that tear us apart. It's not nearly as bad as it was the first time."
Harry looked at the man and sounding defeated asked, "How can you even stand to be around me? I wouldn't want to."
"Harry, Sirius and I always knew something like this could happen. We chose this path. As much as I miss him, I am very proud of him and how he dealt with his life." Lupin paused for a moment before continuing to speak, "I won't lie. Seeing you is hard, but not because I blame you. I just see so much of James in you that it brings up how much I've lost to Voldemort. I'm not your father, or even your official godfather, but I do want to be as much a part of your life as you'll let me. I think we could both use each other; it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, we'll get through this eventually."
Harry shook his head and said, "I can't believe how much I miss him."
"I know Harry, I really do," Lupin said. The two sat in silence for a while before Lupin spoke up, "We'll bring you to headquarters right after your birthday. Your friends are already there."
Harry tensed up before saying, "I'm not going back to that house. I'd kill Kreacher the first time I saw that little traitor."
Lupin must have been expecting this attitude because he calmly replied, "Kreacher has been dealt with. We couldn't trust him in the house and we couldn't set him free."
"Good," Harry stated with some pleasure. "I'm still not going back to that place."
"That's the only place we can bring you."
"Then I'll stay at the Dursleys. There is no way I'm ever going back to that house," Harry stated with determination.
Lupin sighed. "I won't make you come, but think about it. Everyone wants to see you."
Harry felt bad at passing up the chance to see his friends but couldn't bear to think about returning to the house. "I can't go back there." Thinking for a moment, Harry asked, "What happens to the house now? Wasn't it Sirius'?"
"Everyone in the Order plans for something like this happening, so Sirius had made arrangements. The house has been transferred to me, along with half of the remaining family assets. The other half of the family assets was transferred to your vault," Lupin sadly said before reaching into his robes and producing a letter. "Here," he said, handing the letter to Harry. "Sirius wrote this for you. You can read it now or later, I don't know what is says."
Harry looked at the unopened letter for a moment and then said, "I'll read it later."
"Ok. I need to get back. Trust me when I say things will get better. Remember what Voldemort does and why we're in this struggle," Lupin said and then seemed to be struggling with something. "Oh, try to not be too hard on Dumbledore. I think he's concerned what you think of him now. He's trying to do what he thinks is best, don't forget that."
Harry nodded and the two got up. Before Harry could turn to the door, Lupin spoke up, "I can never replace Sirius, but I'd like for you to consider me your backup Godfather. I was next on the list you know."
Harry could tell Lupin was trying to hide his sorrow and genuinely meant the comment. Trying to do the same, and appreciating the offer Harry replied, "Thanks.Remus, I'd like that." Without further words, Harry left and slowly walked back to the Dursleys trying to keep his mind from wandering to dangerous thoughts.
Not remembering anything about the walk, he entered the back door just as Aunt Petunia was about to throw out the leftovers. Remarkably she paused, set the bowls down and went into the living room, giving Harry enough time to make a plate for himself and disappear up to his room.
Harry walked straight to Hedwig, who was sitting near the window and handed her a scrap from his plate. "So, you've been telling on me have you," Harry said in a non-accusing tone to the owl. Hedwig clicked her beak a couple times before Harry stroked her back and said, "I guess I'm lucky you can't talk, huh?"
After eating, Harry's eyes traveled over the photo album that was still lying open to the picture that showed his godfather smiling up at him. This reminded him about the note Lupin had handed him. Hesitantly, he pulled the note out and just looked at it for quite some time before taking a deep breath and breaking the seal and opening the note.
Harry
First of all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Now I don't know what happened of course, but I know how you are and
have probably been blaming yourself for something careless that I did.
Unless you snuck up on me and personally killed me, don't blame
yourself. I won't.
Now, let's change the subject a bit. It's been great knowing you and
my only regret is that we weren't able to spend much time together
doing fun things. We should have been able to travel during the
summers and just enjoy being together. Hell, James and Lily should
have been with us as well. But, things don't always work out the way
we'd like. I'm sure I don't have to remind you of that. You've dealt
with more before your sixteenth birthday than most will in a lifetime,
and you've amazed me at how you've dealt with it all. Better than I
would have, that's for sure. I need to say that you get that from
Lily, James wouldn't have done any better than I would have.
This was written right after Christmas, so depending on when you're
reading this ,it may be out of date. Lupin and I try to update these
kinds of things every few months. It was his suggestion; you know I
wouldn't think of things like this. You also had to realize that
staying in this house is driving me crazy; it's almost as bad as
Azkaban.
Let me guess what happened: I was standing at the door and a big
white female poodle walked by.Ah wait, that was a dream.. Let's see,
I heard a rumor that worthless slime Wormtail had been seen and I,
ignoring Dumbledore's suggestion, bolted out to find him and landed in
a trap. Hopefully you didn't hear about it and try to come after me
and get yourself hurt or anything.
Ok, good news and then my biggest regret. First, I had a fair amount
of gold in Gringotts (how do you think I could get a Firebolt for
you). I'm giving half of it to Lupin since the worthless Ministry
keeps passing laws that make it harder for him to find work. I'm
giving you the other half, even though you really wouldn't need it
unless you went really stupid after graduating. You're family did
pretty well.
Now, my biggest regret is that I won't be there to give you "the
talk". You know about girls. You're going to have to hear it from
Moony! I would have been so much better; you could have learned
things that would have had them lined up around the block. Ah, but I
guess Moony knows how most things go, but I'm sure the way he'll
explain it will make it sound like work.
I know the basic gist of the Prophecy and I imagine you're wondering
how you could possibly ever kill him. Well, my advice is to not think
about it. The first time around every one of us would have given
anything to kill him and we never got the opportunity to try. Just
try to live your life as best you can. Play Quidditch, get a
girlfriend (or two), and stay close to your friends. Even though the
Prophecy says you have to fight him, you don't have to be alone.
Don't forget that.
Well, hopefully by now, I've found James and Lily and am in the
process of telling them everything I can about you. We aren't gone
forever you know. You already saw your mom and dad after your fourth
year. Maybe you'll see all three of us before you join us. I will
kick your ass if you join us before you're Dumbledore's age though.
Give Moony a chance to be a godfather; he was a bit tweaked at James
when he made me the first choice.
Take care Harry. Your parents and I will be watching and if we can
ever help, I promise we'll find a way.
Sirius
Harry read the note at least three times before he placed it into the small box in his trunk where his sentimental notes were kept along with his first Hogwarts letter. Harry had expected the letter to make him fall apart but he actually felt a little better after reading it. He still blamed himself for what happened, but somehow things didn't seem quite so dark at the moment.
Before trying to sleep, Harry stroked Hedwig and said, "You can go hunt tonight girl, I promise, I'll be ok." Hedwig cocked her head, appraising her friend closely before nipping his finger and flying out. Harry fell asleep quickly and was having a sound and peaceful sleep until the vision of another man being killed by Bellatrix Lestrang shocked him awake. Seeing the sun begin to rise, he quickly recorded his dream and started his daily routine.
Over the next few days, Harry had done nothing to cause Hedwig to become overly concerned for her friend and she had begun hunting on a regular schedule when it got dark. One night however, this almost resulted in something terrible happening. Harry hadn't received any packages on his birthday and after three days of wondering why, the sadness of this coupled with the guilt of what he felt was his fault had allowed the thoughts of being unable to deal with the future to creep back into his mind. After watching Hedwig fly out the window one night, he barely pushed the thoughts into the background and went to bed still clutching his wand. Soon after falling asleep, he had another dream, one that pushed him to the brink. Voldemort and Bellatrix had just finished killing a woman who looked vaguely familiar to Harry. He heard the whimpering sobs coming from down the hall and heard Bellatrix say, "So, the daughter IS at home."
"Timms was indeed talented. He hid that well," Voldemort said as the two walked toward the door where the sound was coming from. "Nevertheless, his deception didn't change the outcome."
The door burst open and the little girl began screaming loudly. Harry suddenly knew why the lady looked familiar. The girl was Mila Timms, a Hufflepuff two years below him. Harry had noticed her and her friends rooting for Gryffindor at Quidditch unless they were playing Hufflepuff. Hermione mentioned the girls had a crush on him.
Voldemort bent down and picked up something, the Daily Prophet. "Look Bellatrix, she must think him her savior!" Voldemort showed the paper to Bellatrix and Harry saw it was a large picture of himself.
"Ah, does the little girl think Harry Potter will save her?" Lestrange said laughing.
"Harry Potter can do nothing to save you Mudblood. In fact he's the reason you're going to die! He exposed me to the world before I was ready. If I had finished my plan, you would have lived much longer," the evil wizard said before laughing out loud, causing the girl to scream even more. "You can thank Harry Potter that your death has come so soon," Voldemort said before uttering the killing curse, sending a green flash into the girl causing her to slump down silently.
Bellatrix began laughing but Voldemort cut her off, "You see what they think of him! He has made a mockery of me! None of you have been able to stop him, NONE!"
"But Master, I was about to before he showed up," Lestrang said with fear in her voice.
"He is but a boy Bellatrix, how could you have failed?"
"It will not happen again my Lord," Bellatrix pleaded.
"It will be your last if it does. Come, we must get back," Voldemort commanded before they both disappeared.
Harry woke up with tears streaming down his face. "See, if I was gone that girl would still be alive," he thought. "How many more is he going to kill just to get back at me? I wish Sirius was here, I can't do this without him." Harry closed his eyes and breathed deeply but couldn't clear the thought. "I don't WANT to do this without him. I want OUT!" Harry gripped his wand even tighter, glanced around the room, stopping on Hedwig's empty cage. "I'm sorry girl, I just can't stand this. I'll miss you," Harry whispered as he wiped a tear before regaining his resolve. Roughly placing the tip of his wand against his chest, he started saying the words. As they were coming out, everything seemed to slow down so much that each syllable seemed to take minutes to complete. "Avada Ke..."