Author's Note: This story is a little dark. It started out as something light and funny but I typed the first line (which is now the third line) and the rest just came in a five hour typing frenzy. Rated T for some topics that are alluded too but not specifically mentioned - rather safe than sorry.
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She rode and she rode hard. The fear and terror of the men that would come for her clawed at her skull like a bear.
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Two brown eyes blinked open and quickly closed tight against the glare of the sun. She felt a hand, rough and calloused, gently pick hers up.
"Miss? You okay?"
The voice was kind. She wanted to answer but the darkness pulled at her again and then it hit her - a man was holding her hand. This time her eyes flash opened, unfocused, with a wild look in them. She lifted herself to her elbows and tried to scoot herself backward with her heels. She pulled her hand back.
"No. Oww!"
She fell back to the ground. The hand was back on her shoulder.
"Miss? It's okay. We don't plan on hurtin' ya."
She blinked her eyes open again, this time shading them with her arm. A set of crystal blue eyes and chocolate brown eyes looked back at her. She held each ones gaze for just a second and then closed her eyes again. The will and fight gone.
"Leave... please just leave me." She dropped her arm and let out a long sigh, trying to puff out every ounce of air that was left in her.
Another voice, "Miss?" First he spoke to her and then he spoke to the other "I don't think she's awake. Let's take her back to camp."
Two arms slid under her, one lifted her head, the other under her legs and she felt herself leave the ground. Instinct, fear, hurt, tiredness, all of it came in at once and she felt herself turning into his chest. Lifting a hand to place on a strong arm. Then she wondered what this one was going to do with her once he realized what she was, that she wasn't worth anything, that it would be easier to use her up then to help her along. A tear slid down her dirt streaked face.
"Put her here" said the first voice.
"No, Thaddeus let's set her on mine. I'll sit with her first."
The Kid gave Heyes a quizzical look but then just shrugged and pulled the bedroll closer to the fire.
"Would you get a pot of coffee on?"
As he set her down she felt the heat of him leave her, the fabric of his shirt slid out of her weak fingers. All she could do was let out a small cry. "Please... I'm sorry... please don't."
A gentle touch to her forehead as he brushed away a lock of hair.
"Shhh... just rest. Thaddeus and I will be right here."
The wood in the fire cracked. She started and jerked upright. Clutching into the air for something safe. He knelt forward and pulled her close.
"It's okay, just the fire. You're okay here. Just rest." He laid her back down.
She felt him put something cool and damp to her face, wiping off the dirt and blood. She was sure that he could see the ugliness in her and was trying to clean it from her. She winced from the pain of her skin but not his touch.
The darkness swirled in and pulled her back into it. She let it. Wanted it all to be gone. There was never going to be anything more to her than what they had made her. That person made her sick. If she hated it so much she knew that everyone else hated her as well. Her stomach rolled up, she felt herself roll to her side and retch - there hadn't been anything in her stomach for awhile. There hadn't been anything in her at all for quite awhile.
She blinked her eyes open. The soft light of morning painted the sky in pinks and blues. She sighed at its beauty, wishing it could be her own. She heard a noise and focused on the man across the fire from her. He smiled at her.
"Hey, how ya feeling this mornin'?" His voice was rich, deep and neighborly. It didn't hold that leering tone that most men used with her. "Would you like some water or coffee?" He held up his cup.
She sat up slowly, pulled her knees in close, and wrapped the sheepskin coat tight - wasn't sure where that had come from but it felt good in the brisk morning air. Her voice no more than a whisper for fear she would cry because of what would come after the offer for a drink, "Some water."
He stood, walked over to his saddle and grabbed the canteen off. Turning towards her his eyes smiling "Thaddeus usually recommends newcomers don't try my coffee right off, I make 'kindof coffee'".
She just looked at him blankly and let a hand slid out from under the coat to take the canteen from him.
He squatted in front of her resting on his heels, "you know - 'kindof coffee' that takes a stomach of iron to drink.". He laughed and his eyes crinkled.
It wasn't funny, she wasn't quite sure what he was laughing about but the pleasure of a laugh that didn't drip with vulgarity pricked her skin sending a small jolt of it through her.
She dropped her eyes when she realized he was looking at her. "Thanks. I have a horse, saddle, no money but you can have it if you'll just let me go." She looked up, without raising her head, didn't want to feel the sting of a hand against her already hurting cheek.
Instead a tanned finger tilted her chin up, "Miss, I don't want nor need your horse or saddle. Got enough money to get myself into a poker game in the next town, even feed Thaddeus and get ourselves a room and a bath. You just take a few sips a water till I can get some breakfast together. Got a can of peaches we can heat, couple a boiled eggs and some hard tack. Ain't much but it will get us to the next place."
She looked around him to the man that was moving under the blankets. The man in front of her turned towards him as well, "Mornin' Thaddeus. Coffee's on, just telling the young lady here what was on the menu for breakfast.
Lady! He called HER a lady. She couldn't help but let out a snort. He spun back towards her and she put up a hand to her mouth, her eyes opening wide with fear.
"Sorry."
He tilted his head slightly, looking at her with those brown eyes. His face didn't hold the anger that most of the men looked at her with. He smiled. "Nothing to be sorry for." He slapped his knees and stood up.
The one he called Thaddeus moved to the coffee pot and after pouring himself a cup he settled himself on the saddle that sat close to her.
"Decided not to try Joshua's coffee, huh? Probably a good idea. I drink it so's it don't go to waste, plus I hate to hurt his feelings..." He looked at her with eyes so blue she felt like she was looking at the sky, "makes him awfully proddy and no one wants to ride with that all day.". His face burst into a smile as his friend threw him a dirty look.
She watched as they started breakfast. Listening to them as they poked fun at each other as a means of chatting with her. She let the aches just wash over her not letting them take her back to the darkness, the warmth she felt from watching and listening to them was a special feeling she hadn't known in a long, long time.
"Miss, there's a creek just a bit through them trees, ifn' you'd allow me to I'll help you over and leave ya for a bit to clean up" He saw her eyes fret between the trees and him "or I can stay close with my back turned?" She relaxed and let her gaze drift back over the pair of strangers that were like a salve to the hurt that was inside.
"If you don't mind stayin' close?" She set down her plate and prepared to stand up, found her legs wouldn't do what her mind was biding them to do and looked back to see him reach out his arms for her.
"I'll just carry ya this time but I'll expect payment." He was smiling but it brought the tears up and spilling over on to her cheeks. She stiffened.
He stopped where he was "My turn to be sorry this time miss, and I got a reason - didn't mean anythin' by it, don't expect anythin', just wasn't thinking about what I was saying." He shook his head and looked at his partner who had stopped what he was doing and frowned. "Thought maybe I could get just a small smile."
She let out the breathe of air she had pulled in. She felt the genuineness of his apology and let the corners of her mouth twinge up in what she hoped was a genuine smile. "Sure, thanks for takin' me down to the creek to clean up."
He reached out once more and picked her up, cradling her in his arms and the warmth and security she had felt last night returned and by the time he set her down at the creek she already felt as if the first layer of grime from her soul had been washed away.
The water was cold but felt good against her now hot skin. She let it pool up into her cupped hands, when they were full she brought it to her face. She wanted to strip all her clothes off and jump in, let her whole body feel the bracing water wash away the filth that was on her, the filth of the years of men doing things to her that her mind could no longer think of.
A gentle hand on her shoulder, "Miss? Miss? Here's my bandana to help you wash. I have an extra shirt and Thaddeus had a pair of pants hope that will be okay till we can get to town?"
She looked down at herself as if this was the first time she had seen what she had on, then she remembered and felt like she had to tell him.
"These aren't mine. None of it is. Most of it belongs to Mister Calhoun, he owns me. The pants belong to Martin Powell, he was the last one to beat me. I shot him." She paused looking down at her hands, then plunged them into the water. "Pulled the pants off his legs -" she paused as if taking in the final horror that had made her kill a man "he hadn't even pulled them all the way down, just pushed them to his knees, right after he had punched me for not being quick enough." There was more to it than that but she didn't want to think about it, didn't want to remember the hurt and brutality.
He gently squeezed her shoulder. "Ain't right how some men act towards folk." His voice grew gruff "We... well, Thaddeus and I, we ain't like that." He knew his words wouldn't be enough to convince her but it was all he had.
They had seen the horse just standing out in the middle of nowhere yesterday afternoon and when they approached he saw the girl lying there on the ground, her brown hair splayed out around her face. A bloody nose, the face on one side swelled up and purpling. Then he saw the stains on her pants; he had seen men who had pissed themselves out of fear or being drunk but this wasn't from that - it was blood. She looked just like his mother had that day he found her laying just outside the back steps.
She looked at him and hoped the small smile that should could gather up was enough of a thanks. He patted her back, "Go ahead and finish cleaning up."
No man had ever made her feel safe but for some reason these two did. She pulled off all her clothes, stepped into the water and washed off the dirt and blood that had caked up on what seemed to be every inch of her. She washed her hair and stepped back onto the grassy bank. Still wet she pulled on the borrowed clothes, rolling up the sleeves and pant legs. She cleared her throat.
He turned towards her, the grin that broke out on his face made her once again let her mouth curve in to a small smile.
"Thaddeus sure don't make them britches look near as good as you do." He saw the smile slip until she realized he was kidding like earlier and he went on, "Would you like me to carry you back or...?"
She so wanted to feel the closeness of him in a way that didn't make her feel cheap and used but she felt the need to walk. "I'll walk or try to."
"Good girl" He slipped an arm around her waist to help her and they headed back to camp.
When they had finally made it back she was sweating and Joshua had been so patient with her while she struggled with the pain that engulfed her body like a fire. Thaddeus had found her horse, taken the saddle off and laid out the bedroll underneath a small tree.
After she had gotten settled and been offered a canteen she leaned back and closed her eyes. So much bad could be seen reminded her of the few daguerreotype she had seen but they finally grew fuzzy as she fell into a fitful sleep.
Heyes and Kid watched her and when she had finally stopped murmuring Heyes filled Kid in on what she had told him at the creek.
"Do you think we should move on after a while?" Kid looked at the woman, really - no, she wasn't more than a girl.
"We should try. If someone is out looking for her... well, maybe it's best we ain't here." Heyes' brows knit together as he thought on it further. "Maybe we should leave the horse by the creek and let them clothes she had on float downstream. Might make 'em turn back if they thought she was dead. Might at least slow them down if they thought she was still alive."
Kid nodded his head and stood up. Pitched the coffee from his cup into the fire and then started to pack up camp.
They had the camp packed and the fire scattered when Heyes finally went to wake her. He noticed that some more blood had appeared and wasn't sure what they could do for that. She looked pale and a thin layer of sweat covered her face. She had curled herself into a tight ball and lay shivering under the blanket and Kid's sheepskin coat.
"Miss? Miss?" He gently shook her. "We need to move on. Pretty sure you don't feel up to it but..."
She mumbled something and slowly opened her eyes. That handsome face was once again watching her but not in that repelling way most of the others looked at her. She wanted to just lay there forever but knew, just knew that Calhoun would be out looking for her. He didn't like it when a girl ran. Would hunt them like wolves just for the amusement of using them one last time before he would blow their brains out. Made sure he always came back and told the rest of them what he had done. Wanted to make sure he kept them in their place. And then another girl, maybe two more would show up to replace her. No one gave it a second thought, you didn't dare because you didn't want it to be you.
He was telling her something about the horse and then after a drink from the canteen he wrapped her in a blanket. He got on his horse and Thaddeus lifted her, as if she was nothing, up to him. He held her tight but not like he owned her, no she could feel the tenderness in him and it made something shift in her heart, in her soul. She felt a small bit of that love that her mother had given to her before she fell sick and then died. Before her father, honestly he was never that to her - even though he had married her mother when she wasn't even a year old she always knew he wasn't her real father. He loved the others - Phillip, Jane, James, Micheal - but not her. Sold her to a man that owned a small farm when she was twelve. He was so sick of seeing her. Had married another woman who didn't like her either - said she was too sulky. She was supposed to do the cooking, cleaning and whatever else Mister Tom wanted. Before she had reached her thirteenth birthday it was clear that whatever else meant lying on her back. Mister Tom had lost her in a poker game, to Mister Calhoun, when she was fourteen she was made to work at his place ever since then.
"Miss" The beautiful, velvet voice whispered into her ear "if you get to feelin' bad, need to get off the horse for a spell just let me know. Not in a hurry to get anywhere."
She nodded her head and snuggled herself in closer. She wondered why they were being so kind. Only knew one other person who showed her kindness after her momma died - Mrs. Buxley. She had been the school teacher the winter before her momma's husband sold her off. She taught her the basic's and from that she tried to find anything to keep learning. She knew that someday being able to read and write would get her out of that, that existence that she no longer wanted to lay claim too. The rocking of the horse and the constant but pleasant rumble of his voice as he chatted away to his partner lulled her once more into sleep. She woke when she felt the horses stop.
"Miss?" Thaddeus's voice this time. Just as kind, neighborly, and tender as Joshua's tugged her from her sleep. She opened her eyes. The pain was everywhere.
Before he could say anything else she blurted out her name - "My name's Amy. I just turned nineteen." He didn't tell her to shut up. He didn't slap her. He gave her a wide grin and nodded.
"Alright Amy, we figured we'd stop for the night. Let's get ya down, clean ya up and get ya somethin' to eat."
"Sure." She felt the dampness. Felt the sick that ran through her like a stream that turned into a raging torrent after a heavy rain. She had to make it. Could feel that these men would help her. They were good to her and they had no need to be. She smiled as Thaddeus carried her to the little stream that ran close by.
"If you'll take them things off we can get 'em rinsed and maybe dried by the fire 'fore sunup."
She looked down and saw why his face look so anguished. Nothing but blood.
"Thaddeus, I don't feel so good." With that she turned her head and retched, trying to bring up everything bad that was in her.
He stroked her back and shushed her, she leaned back in to him and cried. Everything swam up and just like a geyser spewed out of her. Wasn't sure how long she went on like that but knew it had to be awhile because the wailing wasn't near by coyotes, it was her. Joshua came up, kneeled down next to her.
"It's okay Amy. What can we do for you?"
There was nothing left, she felt like an empty pea shell thrown into the dirt. She wanted to tell them so much about herself so maybe someone would know why she killed that man, why she ran, why she wanted to live but she couldn't seem to get it all out.
"That man kicked me, hard. Right in the stomach." A pause to draw in a ragged breath, "I ended up with a little one inside. Couldn't tell Mister Calhoun. I had told Miss Patty that mornin', she said she'd take care of it but before she could - he kicked me, then..." She stopped, looked up at them expecting them to run right then and there "I wouldn't stop crying and started bleeding bad. Had gotten a small pistol the day before from another gal - eight months of saving. I didn't mean to..." And just like that she knew it wasn't her that had done it but everything that had come before.
She smiled at them both. "Thank you." And with that she closed her eyes.