AN: Hi there again. This is my second Naruto fiction and you can already see that it's still about Sasuke. Well, aside from the fact that he's one of my favorite characters, I really love exploring his complex character. So hopefully, you'd enjoy. Spoilers from manga.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Once a man repents, stop reminding him of what he has done. - - - Hebrew proverb
…
A certain man was pondering on the concept of real atonement when he finally stepped out from the dark – his eyes unseeing for he had already lost his sight. How many years had that been when the last ray of light was lost on him and he started living in total darkness?
Twenty? Thirty?
He had no idea. There was no sun for him to see – to tell him of the days that passed. It had always been night for him, it had always been dark around him as if to tell him that darkness will forever become his companion. Not that it mattered to him now.
"Sasuke."
The aged voice – the constant voice that always spoke to him in his years inside the rotting cell. He could feel his presence yet he still could not see him for he truly was blind.
"So this is freedom for me now huh?" were his words as he glanced to his left – to where the voice came.
"Yes. You're a free man now," was the reply he got. He could feel other presence now as he started moving forward, his senses still keen despite the times that passed. He could hear murmurs around him, some not so good to the ears but he paid no mind. He's a free man now and that is what matters for now.
"What a cunning resemblance," he heard from the right. He could not make out who spoke.
"What do you plan to do now?" he heard a woman's voice. He wasn't sure if it was Sakura and he had no intention of finding it out anyway. What does he plan to do? There are still lots for him to accomplish with which the first two things he could not do in there. There is a place he needed to visit. A place he needed to go to. Alone. He can travel even with blind eyes. He was used to it anyway. After all, he was already blind when he fought against Naruto and lost for some reason.
"Sasuke?"
He sidestepped upon feeling someone about to touch him. He heard some gasps around him like they were surprised for his rude action. "Leave me alone," he spoke icily, his red eyes flashing anger and annoyance despite the blankness supposed to be.
"We're glad you're already free," he heard someone spoke so calmly. He grunted and started walking away, not planning to stay there any longer.
.
.
.
They watched with pained hearts. They could not help him with his eyes. Even with the passage of time, they were not able to help him with his own sufferings. All they could do was to visit him and talk to him but even that was futile since Sasuke had closed his doors on them, not letting anyone in.
"For a moment there, I thought I was seeing Itachi," Kakashi heard Gai spoke as he came beside him with his three former students. They have all grown and aged or at least most of them looked older than they are supposed to but it was still a surprise for them to see the remaining Uchiha looked younger than his actual age.
"The more he aged, he more he looked like him."
"His immortality," Tsunade commented. Indeed, they all first thought they were seeing Itachi. It was not until he spoke that they realized they were momentarily stunned by the striking resemblance between the brothers.
"Even with the years which passed so quickly, Itachi still lives within him, still lingers around him, around us…making the guy almost alive, making him almost permanent in this world. What a deep and intense feeling," Neji spoke.
Naruto glanced at his retreating friend and. It was now that a thought struck him. Was he right before when he said he was a better brother than Itachi? Somehow, it suddenly felt wrong. What right did he have to claim that? Itachi had always been the best brother for Sasuke and who was he to suddenly accuse the dead man for what happened to his younger brother, for what turned out of him?
Kakashi gave Naruto a sideway glance and noted the pensive look before he spoke. "He could have won that fight, you know," he spoke in reference to that battle which had forced Sasuke to come back to Konoha to serve his sentence for defecting from the village. "But for some reason, he held back."
.
.
.
He knew they were following him at a good distance. He could feel them. It had been days since he left the village and it's only a matter of minutes before he will reach the place he had first intended to visit. Remembering why he came here, his fists clenched tightly at his side, his lips twitched into a sardonic smile.
It seems someone had been taking care of it since he could smell the fragrance of fresh flowers around him. If he remembered it right, he left the place barren and dry. Plucking one flower, he knelt in front of the tomb and bowed down. He had killed so many before, had sacrificed a lot and it was only now that the weight of his actions were piling up. Among the many deaths he had granted, this one was among those he truly wished he could have undone. This is one among those deaths which haunted him in his twenty five years in that cell.
"Heh," a mocking voice spoke. Sasuke had already felt their presence earlier but he chose to remain quiet about it. After all, he had no way of knowing how they'll take him. He ignored the one who spoke and said his prayers silently before standing up. Facing their direction, he felt the tip of a blade right into his throat.
"Not so fast, Sasuke," the man said darkly. "We've been waiting for this time."
"Suigetsu."
"Don't call me by my name so lightly because you have rescinded the right to do so when you killed her."
He had no response to that blatant truth. Of course, he indeed killed the one who was laid on this sod. Karin. The sensor of the group. He killed her – sacrificed her for his vengeance's sake. Saw her as a burden when taken hostage.
"You sure have the guts to come show your face after what you did," the water guy continued in a voice filled with hot venom. Sasuke only listened, waited for what's more to come. Instinct he honed in battle told him he should move but dignity held him on the spot – the dignity he had forsaken for the sake of vengeance.
And so he was prepared when someone slammed him on the ground so hard that he thought he felt his bones break. "Talk, damn it!"
It surprised him how Juugo spoke those words. It seems years had hardened him, experience had taught him to become a hard man. "Tell us why!" he demanded hotly. "Why'd you have to betray us? Her?"
His only answer was his silence as he looked away. What is there to say anyway? That he had intended to sacrifice them if need be? That he was already mad in hatred, blind in fury and deaf in anger that he never cared who to kill during that time if only to further his goal? That it took him years before he realized where he had gone wrong? That he was already so lost in path that he does not know the right and wrong except avenging his brother?
He knew his actions were unforgivable. Hell but his deeds were deplorable even to him.
"We were all willing to do your bidding. You only have to ask. We were that ready for you – even to lay down our lives – but certainly not the way you have done it," Suigetsu spoke again as he stood near Sasuke's head, intending to torture the man. But when Sasuke never uttered a word, he hissed. "Why won't you speak?"
Sasuke slowly closed his eyes. He could feel their hatred for him and he wondered if it was how Itachi felt when Sasuke had loathed him till his death. He understood this feeling and somehow, at the back of his mind, he knew this was how Itachi felt as well.
It's painful.
It's painful to have those you used to laugh with, work with, suddenly hate you for what you did.
Opening his eyes, his hand moved and unclasped Juugo's hold on his shirt. There is pure hatred and anger around him. He even wondered if that would be enough to drive the two and kill him then and there. After all, the greatest driving factor in battle is hatred. Ironic. That's what Itachi purposely taught him.
"Don't think – "
"Sasuke!"
Both Juugo and Suigetsu spun to find some Konoha ninjas ready to attack them with one false move. Suigetsu smirked and glanced at his former leader. "Heh, so you finally returned to them?" he mocked.
"No."
Even the silver-haired was slightly surprised when Sasuke finally spoke. The latter stood up and dusted his pants. Suigetsu slung his sword on his shoulder. People change in the course of time, he knew that. And so even with anger burning inside him, he will not put himself in Sasuke's league. He will not let emotion rule him. Perhaps when they were younger, he would have lashed at him already. Perhaps when they could sneak so easily into his prison cell, he could have killed him.
But it's different now.
"Leave," he ordered softly yet heavily and glanced at the stone where her name was engraved on the surface. He never got along well with Karin but it did not stop him to consider her as a comrade still. Maybe the four of them started with the wrong purposes but a bond was formed as they traveled together. Until her death. He wondered if she forgave Sasuke for what he did.
Said man nodded slowly. "I intend to after I say what I came here to say," he stated and tilted his head towards Naruto. "Don't follow me."
His tone held a certain command on it. It seems he never lost that imposing aura around him. Naruto looked hurt. Even when he was imprisoned and he visited him, Sasuke had always brushed him off – always ignoring him and spoke only few words in his twenty five years in prison cell.
"Sasuke…" even Sakura was hurt by it.
Said guy tilted his head back towards Suigetsu and Juugo. The two waited for any attack from him but there was none coming. He merely walked passed them and stopped once more.
"I'm sorry," he muttered and realized that those seemed to be the hardest words to speak. The two teams who traveled with him at different times looked surprised.
Sasuke never apologized. That's for sure.
He never bowed down to anyone, let alone swallows his pride and admits his mistake. So they were genuinely surprised. Sasuke continued to walk away, not waiting for them to say anything anymore. When he was finally alone, he stood on one branch of the tree and looked up. He could see nothing since he's blind but he somehow knew that the sky is clear and bright.
He wondered if she forgave him. Suigetsu was right when he said they were all willing to die for him. He knew that. Because when she was dying, she gave him a look that still haunts him until now. It was not a look of hatred but an acceptance. And he wished she died hating him rather than giving that look of understanding – as if to tell him that she somehow knew it would go that way.
But the truth of the matter was she died accepting what he did to her and that is why it was harder for him now.
Running his hand over his face, he took a moment to rest. There is one place more. It's time to go visit his brother.
.
.
.
He was merely standing there, just a few feet above his grave. It surprised Suigetsu and Juugo to learn that despite the many years which passed, Sasuke could still remember where they buried his brother. They do not know if the latter is aware of their presence, that they followed him after he left Karin's grave.
But somehow, they just felt the need to follow him here, to see what else he is up to. Amidst the hatred is the respect trying to resurface – the respect which they lost when they learned he killed Karin. Oh, they knew that hatred would always live within them from time to time especially when they get to remember the redhead but there was one thing they learned in their lives within twenty five years separate from Sasuke.
They said that when a man starts to repent, you don't have to remind him of his past mistakes. And clearly, Sasuke seemed to be repenting because if not, he would not have apologized.
They knew Sasuke was never an emotional person or rather, he was never open to anyone with regards to his feelings. He always acted aloof and cool so it surprised the two to see him break down so suddenly as he fell on his knees, his head bent and they assumed he was crying since they could not quite make out if his shoulders were shaking.
Even Naruto who kept following his friend saw it too and wondered who was buried there. He had no idea who was buried on the first grave he visited. Much more about this second one.
Sasuke pounded his fist into the ground. He was not expecting to suddenly break down in this same place where he learned everything about his brother. He had only planned to come visit here, to feel his lingering presence. But waves of emotions rushed through him as he remembered everything that Madara told him, of everything he learned about his brother.
And the regret that he had tucked into the deepest corner of his soul more than twenty five years ago resurfaced and he once again allowed the tears to fall down, each drop signifying the pain and regret he felt over his chosen path before.
"It's too painful…nii-san," he said croakily. "It's too painful to even live longer."
When he realized that he was beyond salvation from hell, he wanted to die then and was ready to strike Naruto while knowing his life would end then and there in that battle.
But a voice willed him to stop. A voice told him to live. Not to waste his life in a useless act. He knew that was his brother. In fact, he felt it was his brother. His brother told him to continue living and for the first time after the massacre of the Uchiha clan, Sasuke had obeyed his brother and lost to Naruto. But he found out that living is much harder to do. Because the voices kept haunting him.
Broken, he waited as if hoping to hear his brother's voice once again, to make sure that Itachi had not left him alone with his own suffering right now. He waited for the voice that kept him sane in all his years inside the prison – the voice that rang above the haunting voices of those people he had murdered for the sake of his own goal. The voices kept telling him to kill himself since he is a lost cause, since no one cared, since he does not deserve to live. The voices kept haunting him, blaming him for what befell them and wishing he too was pulled to the grave with them.
And yet, no matter how many voices there were, one remained dominant above them – his brother's voice. He told him to live. To start life once more. And so Sasuke held on. He obeyed and chose to live until he was released from the prison he was locked in to pay for his crimes. And there he found out which part is harder – to live paying up for the sins you committed or to die knowing they'll never haunt you again? He found out it was harder to live. To deal with everything day after day. To relive all your atrocities and trying to see just how big of a fool you are for allowing people to use you as a pawn. And though he understood that his brother wanted the best for him so he gave out such an advice to continue living, Sasuke still saw it differently for himself.
Living means different for him. His purpose for living was not for himself.
To live…to continue living haunted by the memories of the past, of the bloody murder, of his descent to darkness…that was his way of atonement. To live longer and reflect on every mistake while regretting his inability to undo the things he did.
To live as a painful reminder to himself that he was the one who ultimately brought his brother's demise despite people telling him he is Itachi's immortality in looks and everything. To live while recollecting the unnecessary sacrifices he had to make, among which, Karin belonged to.
To live as a reminder to those who lived in that era that there was once a man who sacrificed a lot for the good of the many – that was Itachi – and at the same time, living to remind them that the only person Itachi failed to kill became the person who brought an almost destruction to the village the older Uchiha had protected at the expense of his family.
To live to torture himself…
That was his form of atonement.
And somehow, unseen presences were around him, their faces, serene yet their smiles were rueful. The one whose immortality lived with Sasuke closed his eyes and continued watching over his brother.
The braver act is to live, little brother and the hardest part is dealing with it.