Can't Handle It

by arohalove

AUX1 Oneshot. Logan's always coming and going in her life and Marie is realizing she can't handle it.

Notes: Based on one of my absolute favorite songs ever: 'Can't Handle It' by Stargazer Lily. I love it because it sounds like she's breaking from the inside out when she sings it and that just captures the song. This fiction doesn't come close to doing it justice and I'm not even sure if I've made the point effective enough because a lot of it is pretty light hearted and tends to ramble. But oh well. I've been neglecting Close to Me for too long and so I'm putting this up just to get one more thing out of the way so's I can get back to work. I imagine this is AU with a little mix of X-1. Oh, and I guess I've kind of relocated the Mansion...hmm. Anyway, thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't have anything to do with X-men. I'm just a fan writing her day dreams.

Can't Handle It

I think I'll sit this out/Cause you'll me cry alone/You've come around again/And spoiled my content/Can feel my restless heart/ pounding in my chest/Don't make me cry again/I can't handle it

Back again.

I've missed his familiar lope around the mansion in the midnight hours. He's been up every night, as usual, pacing around the halls, sometimes dragging his long index finger along the paneling as he strides. I can hear him when he does that. When I creep down the south staircase near the kitchen I can hear the low scratch of his finger, thumping rhythmically as it passes the hallow grooves in the paneling. I always try to step quietly across the hall to the swinging doors into the kitchen but I know he senses me. He's still pacing in the corner of my eye, barefoot in his sweats, and nothing interrupts his stride. But he'll come around when I've had my snack, when I'm ready to go back up to bed I'll hear his voice behind me.

'Hey kid.'

Always the same greeting. Always the same response. 'Hey Logan.'

'Can't sleep again?'

'No, studying.'

'Its two o'clock in the morning.'

'I know. I've been slacking, what can I say?'

If he offers to help I always refuse. Its not as easy as it has been. It gets harder every time he comes around. Every time he looks at me with that half grin, an eyebrow raised. And I wonder what he's thinking when his eyes sweep over me briefly before he turns around to pace the halls again. I wonder. I wonder myself to sleep.

xxx

The last time he came back Logan took me around the grounds on Scott's bike. I didn't know exactly how vast the professor's property was until I was sitting behind Logan with my hands gripping the front of his leather jacket. It was the first time I had been on a bike, a Harley Davidson at that, and I told myself I wasn't going to lean into him or press my cheek between his shoulder blades but the faster he rode the harder it was to hang on. When he stopped our bodies were molded together. My cheeks were pink from the cold Autumn breeze but every inch of me felt warm.

He had driven along the road that marked the outer boundaries of the property. Miles upon miles of gray asphalt it seemed, surrounded by sprawling sugar maples, dogwood and sycamore whose forms were already sunset orange for fall. A blanket of fallen leaves covered the road and as we raced by it was as if gliding along a golden lake whose waters fluttered and turned behind us, splashing up into the wind of our wake.

A small dirt road opened at the mouth of a broken gate and Logan took this path with a sharp turn. It was unexpected to say the least and I nearly slipped from the bike but one hand met mine at his stomach and gripped my gloved wrist.

'Whoa there…hold on!' He laughed.

'Slow down Logan!' but truthfully, I didn't want him to.

He had been home for almost three months. I remember watching him pull into the drive from my bedroom window. I'd been doodling on my math homework when I heard the motor. The familiar rumble streamed through the crack in the pane, a day dream brought to life as I scrambled to peer through the glass. He was speeding up the long drive, body hunched forward, and just before he reached the turn that would take him to the front entrance, he glanced up to my room and smiled.

Three months. It had been the longest Logan had ever 'crashed' and I was savoring every hour. Too many times he had disappeared and returned, sometimes only weeks before he showed up again, sometimes months and while I clung to his waist the thought that always haunted these moments we shared returned: Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time he'll stay.

Logan sped along the dirt path heading west toward the forest. A sloping hill brought us eye level with the tops of the evergreens not far in the distance. He paused the engine and rested a foot on the ground below us. From this perch I could almost see one of the Mansion's chimneys jutting from beyond the trees. It seemed so far away. I imagined the forest went on forever whenever I penetrated the tree line near the Mansion. But I could see then that it only stretched a few miles into the next property. It was impressive though.

'All this lands open game.' Logan waved a hand gesturing around us then pointed to the line of the forest. 'But don't try marching through that private property. You'll get a helluva lot more than you bargained for if you don't know where you're going.'

'You mean, like booby traps?' my eyes grew wide at the thought.

'Booby traps, kid? It's a little more sophisticated than that.'

'What then?'

'Nope. Can't tell. Authorized X-Men only.'

'Since when have you been an X-Man?'

'Hey, I got a uniform.' He kicked up his leg, turned the throttle and the engine purred. 'Hang on.'

'We're going in there?'

'Don't worry, I'll keep you safe.'

We plunged into the forest. It was dark under the shade of the trees. There was no road either. Logan was finding his own path in there, but I trusted him. We wound around trunks, narrowly avoiding low branches. Sharp needles of a pine whipped my arms but I didn't notice much. I concentrated on my grip now that the ride was rockier. Then Logan took a jump from an uprooted tree onto lower grounds. I shrilled into his ear, pressing my face into his back with my eyes shut tight until the bike jolted from contact with the forest floor again.

'Damn it Logan!'

'Just hold on, Kid.'

'Ah am holdin' on! You're tryin' ta throw me off!'

'Uh, oh. That drawl's peeking through. You must be mad.' I felt his laugh shake across his abdomen, so I punched it. 'Careful! Injuring the driver is the fastest way to wind up on your ass.'

'Go to hell.'

'If I do, you're coming with me.'

Apparently there was a destination somewhere in that metal skull of his because we soon came to a clearing where he slowed and killed the engine. I hopped off the back very un-ladylike and almost fell over. My legs were tight and ached a little around the inner thighs.

'So where are these booby traps?'

Logan cast me a sideways glance. I rolled my eyes, swiping the platinum streaks back behind my ears.

'Okay, where are these sophisticated devices ya'all have hidden out here? Just looks like a regular old forest to me.'

'Good.'

Typical Logan answer. He had his head between his hands at the forehead and chin. With a snap back and forth he cracked the stiffness from his neck then rolled his shoulders backward. All the while he watched me with that curious half grin of his. It was unnerving, though I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On impulse I pulled at my gloves.

'So what are your plans for tomorrow?' he asked nonchalantly.

Birthdays at the mansion are never dull. Last year, on my sixteenth, Jubes convinced 'Ro into letting us have a slumber party in the common room. We stayed up until three o'clock, toilet papered the boy's wing and spent the rest of the time playing truth or dare. That was the night I stripped to my panties and ran through the fountain at nearly forty degrees outside. It was the funnest birthday I'd had since I was ten but somehow I couldn't see Logan agreeing with me. I kind of wanted to do the same thing tomorrow night without the whole panty/fountain thing of course. The last thing I wanted was for a certain insomniac to find me running around the lawns in my skivvies.

'I don't know. Probably have cake and ice cream. Watch a movie, you know…'

'No slumber party this year?'

'It got a little crazy last year.'

'So I heard.' His smile made me blush pink. Luckily it was chilly and my cheeks were already red. I was wearing an old emerald hoodie I found in the charity box. It was too big and had a hole in both elbows but it was my favorite at this time of year. The sun was alight in the clearing, a cheerful looking place after all that drab dark foliage. There was even a bed of some kind of wild purple flower under the sycamore maple whose ruby leaves, like the others, spread the forest floor.

'Yeah well, I don't see anything wrong with a fat piece of chocolate cake and a nice Brando flick. Mmm…maybe A Streetcar Named Desire…Are you going to come watch me blow out the candles?'

'I don't see why not, that is, if I'm invited?'

'No. Absolutely not. In fact, I was hoping you wouldn't bring the birthday thing up at all, you know, save me the embarrassment of having to refuse you.'

'Well that's too bad,' he murmured walking to the back of the bike and lifting the hutch up, 'I really wanted to give ya this, but …'

I didn't want to run to him, gasping like some wide-eyed kid but I'm pretty sure that's what I did. He wasn't annoyed by it though. Logan laughed, jumped backward and whipped the Van Morrison record above his head before I could even touch it.

'I take it back. You're invited. The whole sh'bang. Hell, I'll even do the slumber party again and we'll paint your toe nails…'

'Oh, God. If that's what I'm getting myself into, count me out.'

'Okay. Cake and ice cream in the dining hall at six. That's definite.'

He lowered the vinyl until I had it in my unsteady hands, turning the record over and over.

He got it. I told him about my collection at home weeks ago. I'd always avoided talking about my past, even what I missed, with others. Part of this was shame, shame of the way everything I loved had turned on me at the first sign of mutation and the other part was simply the hurt of remembering a life I would never have again. But Logan always brought out the deepest part of 'Marie' without even knowing it.

It was when I found him flipping through a popular mechanics magazine on his back in the common room like he spent most afternoons. He had the stereo on behind him and at the time I peeked around the door frame Jimi Hendrix's Wild Thing was blaring. I couldn't help smile.

That was a Saturday, one of the last warm Saturdays, and everyone else was in town or out on the ball field. I found an excuse to stay behind though. Excuses to be alone with Logan were always easy to make and I knew them all. I'd put them into practice often enough over the last year and half when he happened to be back. Sometimes I'd manage to convince myself to leave him a little room, keep a little distance. But not often. And after all, I told myself, maybe this time he'd stay and it wouldn't matter if I got attached again.

With a flick of my wrists I tossed a pillow at his face which he rapidly caught. The next moment he had me in a tackle. The pile of bean bags braced my fall, while his knees came around my sides, one hand holding my hands down above my head and the other smothering my giggling with the pillow.

'Let me up!' giggles, kicking and more giggles when he tickled me under my arms.

'How many times, Marie?! How many times until you've learned your lesson?'

'I've got it! Logan please!'

He tried to hide his smile behind a scowl. He tried to keep his chuckle down by biting his bottom lip. He tried not to look at me so pleasantly content. But I still saw. And I tried not to beam. With a practiced glower he lifted off my waist and helped me to my feet upon which I promptly pushed him away and jumped on the couch.

Wild thing…You make my heart sing...You make everything…groovy.

Logan leaned back into the pile of bean bags, spread his fingers behind his head and crossed his legs. He was, as always, adorned in dark jeans, his melon-sized silver buckle glistened under the recessed lighting. He wasn't wearing his leather jacket, but I could picture it easily over that flannel shirt. With those mutton chops Logan was the whole package. It was too appropriate for the song and too much for me.

Giggling again I sighed, 'Logan, I think this is your song.'

'Huh?'

My lips twisted as I did my best Jimi Hendrix impression. 'Wild thing, I think I love you. But I want to knoooow for sure! So come on, hold me tight…I love you.' Another fit of giggles followed.

'Oh God kid…' he had the pillow in his hand again. It raced through the air and smacked me right in the nose.

'Hey! That hurt!'

'You should've ducked.'

'You're too fast.'

Jimi Hendrix faded, the disc changed and Van Morrison's 'Brown Eyed Girl' poured through the speakers. A popular song in the mansion, it had probably played a dozen times that week alone. Comfy on the couch I submitted, closed my eyes and let the music swim over me, gently rocking my shoulders to the beat. At some point I sensed his gaze. When the room filled my vision once more I was met with Logan's watchful eyes, still lying on the bean bags with his hands twined behind his head.

'Like the song much?' he grinned.

'I love it. Don't you?'

He was quiet, scrutinizing. 'Its growing on me.'

My heart skipped. I knew the song too well and my favorite line, Saw you just the other day Oh my, baby you have grown, had passed in the time Logan took to answer my question. Sudden discomfort made him shift positions slightly in that his hands moved from behind his head to rest at his waist.

'I'm more of a Zeppelin guy myself.' He blurted rather hastily.

'Figures. I could never get into Led Zeppelin. Dad had a couple albums he'd play…' The finely arched eyebrow that only Logan can exhibit without being cheesy, shot toward me. But I just kept going, taken back two years. 'Mom, on the other hand, was a Cash woman. I think she had every record he ever produced. To this day every time I hear 'Ring of Fire' I swear I can smell mom's Virgina Slims. She always lit up when she played Cash.'

'So who was the Morrison fan?'

'Yours Truly.' I smiled. 'And Gran too, I guess. I found it in a crate behind the shed along with some Rolling Stones, even an Elvis if you believe it. Gran gave me her old player. You know nothing sounds quite like vinyl…'

'Its been a while since vinyl was around, kid.'

I laughed at his mocking brow. 'You're talking to a Mississippi girl. I'm not some southern belle brought up on daddy's money. We took what we got and appreciated it.' I teased, without the usual sting of embarrassment from my humble beginnings. 'I tell ya, CD's are great, but sometimes I miss the hiss and crackle of the needle on that record. I played it so much I could count the grooves.'

Logan chuckled. Soft chuckle, regarding the oddity of this conversation as much as I was ignoring it. Perhaps the release I was experiencing was the same he had felt when he told me once about Weapon X. That was a conversation I'd never forget though he had slipped only two to three lines about his discovery and suspicions. I was certainly the chatter box between us. But then I could never help it around Logan. It just came naturally and to be honest, I liked not having to keep my guard up, though sometimes I told myself I should.

'You ever think of going back for it?' he had asked with his head sort of cocked on the bean bag

No. Never. I never think of going back, something Logan already knew. 'Not any time soon.'

The record in my bedroom at home never had a cover. The one I was holding so carefully between my fingers had the words, 'Blowin Your Mind!' written in bubbled orange letters, trademark of sixties text. Van's head featured the center of the album cover, blue from the stage lights and showing off a stern profile. My eyes welled but I choked back any girlie tears, determined to accept this gift with a straight face.

'This is incredible Logan. Where did you find it?'

He shrugged off any embarrassment. 'I found a place last time I went into the city.'

He had been carrying it around for a whole week.

And then I lost control of one of those tears I had been trying to hold back. Once I found 'Ro with wet streaks down her face after Hank had been visiting. I asked her if she was alright and she said 'Yes, these are happy tears'. The one that got away was a happy tear. I was happy that he had given me Van Morrison, that he had remembered some idle comment that wasn't idle at all and sought out the record. And I was happy that he had driven to the middle of the forest to hand it over rather than wait until tomorrow when everyone else would be watching and probably asking why the hell I was crying right about now.

Without another thought I jumped up into his arms, the picture of merriment. 'Thank You! Thank You!'

'Alright Kid…' Logan groaned setting me on my feet again. He walked to the hutch and pulled out a beer can.

Hssssst. Foam sprayed out everywhere, an arms length away from Logan before he guzzled. I crouched onto the leaves Indian style reading the song listings on the back. A shadow stepped over me.

'Spanish Rose,' I peered upward, 'You know that one?'

Logan's head shook and then he gulped again.

'The way you move the gate, behind you when you say it ain't too late. Come on lets swing the town and have a…ball tonight...' I trailed, then glanced upward again, blinking out the sun to find Logan watching me with a funny smile on his face.

'You know, Kid, you have a pretty decent voice.'

The record fell to my lap and then I fell onto my back in leaves, a nice view of Logan's long jean-clad legs rising up in front of me. 'Logan, you suck at giving compliments.'

'That wasn't a compliment. It was a statement of fact.'

'Well then. Good to know decency is achieved. I'll have you know I sang in the talent show last June with Bobby and we got a standing ovation.'

'Really? And Ice was singing with you?'

'Hey, he's good.'

'Yeah?'

I did a kind of half squint and my lips pursed. 'Okay, you're right. He's decent.'

Logan rolled his eyes then plonked down next me. With his fist he crumpled the empty beer can and then tossed the aluminum into the hutch near the far side of the clearing.

'Not bad.' I judged his throw, 'Pretty decent I'd say.'

There was a crunch of leaves as he dropped to one elbow, turning to his side with a sly grin so that we were face to face. 'I stand by my choice of adjective.'

Oh yes, man of his word. I knew he wouldn't budge and I also knew he never dished out any kind of compliment. Ashamed to admit, I was still warm and fuzzy over it and trying not to smile so silly but knew I must be by the look on Logan's face.

The wind picked up just then sweeping a breeze through the forest, clattering dead leaves along the floor until one slapped against my shoulder. I picked it up by the stem. It was a dogwood.

'I don't see Ice around much any more.'

Another breeze blew the leaf from my hand and a few strands of my platinum memento from the brotherhood loosened and I was glad to have something to occupy my hands again as I tucked them back into place.

'We broke up.' I said rather casually. Too casually maybe.

'Huh.' The slits of his eyes narrowed. I couldn't tell just what that expression was supposed to mean because it wasn't entirely angry or annoyed the way I expected him to be when I finally got around to telling him. No, it was just…thoughtful?

'It was a mutual thing. Nothing crazy happened or anything. We just both realized it was all kind of pointless.'

'Cause you're so young?'

Maybe. High school romances hardly ever panned out into life long relationships but it really had more to do with the immediate needs of every High school couple. Basically, sex. I swept my arms up along my body, twisting my hands like Vana White.

'Actually because of this.'

A genuinely surprised look crossed his angular face as though he had forgotten all about my mutation. Perhaps he had. Logan was one of the few people comfortable enough to touch me. 'Oh.'

'Its not shocking. I guess Bobby's more a physical guy. Poor kid could't even get a kiss.' I let go a long pathetic, self pitying sigh, concentrating on the blue sky above me. 'If I had known my first kiss might be my last I would have taken more time to enjoy it. Ugh…what am I thinking? If I had hung on any longer he might have died. I just wish it had been different. You know, no screaming or paramedics would have been nice.'

'You're not old yet, kid. Whose to say its gonna be your last?'

Sure, I thought but too ashamed to vocalize this I merely rolled my eyes, sighing. 'Can't I just go back to the beginning and redo the whole thing? That would be nice.'

Sometimes, if I concentrated hard enough, I could still feel a little bit of David. The essence of him left behind was mostly made up short faded images as though he had been one of those old black and white movies Gran use to watch. A flight of ducks in a perfect V would usually call forth a red barn, hickory nuts and the smell of grits. As fast as it had appeared it would be gone. I spent most of my life in countrified Mississippi but I don't ever remember a rickety old barn like that. Somehow I knew it was David's Grandparent's in Tennessee.

Awakened from my musing, I glanced Logan from the corner of my eye. Still propped on his elbow, he studied me, or something on me in the general area of my right cheek. The length of his gaze suddenly made me self conscious and I wiped carefully at the corner of my mouth.

'There isn't any security out here, is there?'

Logan blinked. 'Saying what you don't see doesn't exist?'

'I'm saying it seemed like a pretty smooth ride. I mean besides the part where you tried to kill us.'

Logan sat up and brushed a few leaves from his arms. 'In about half a mile we'll come to the fence. But if you hadn't been with me, darlin' you wouldn't have made it this far without a security check.'

'So we're being watched?' I was off my back immediately, darting my eyes back and forth into the trees.

'No, kid, sensed.' He had his back to me and when he turned his head his brows twitched together over an amused smirk looking at the back of my head.

Such a look from Logan was never a good sign. I pressed my hand to my pony tail. A fistful of leaves crunched under my fingers.

'Oh great. I just washed it.' I sighed, picking out the largest flakes. Logan dared to chuckle. 'Of course you'd find this hilarious.'

I plucked up a handful of dried leaves from the ground and tossed them at his face. He could have easily avoided it but only swung his head to the side buffering most of the blow. It was a bad move on my part because if I knew Logan, which I did, in his animalistic mind this was an invitation to start something more. And so without a moments hesitation he scooped up a healthy sized fistful, apologized for his future act, and then rubbed it into my head before I could even comprehend my fatal error.

All hell broke loose.

Going up against a man twice my size with reflexes like a cat, speed of a cheetah and combat experience that exceeds my own by at least sixteen years doesn't give me very good odds of winning. But I got some nice throws in there. The beautiful thing about leaves is that they scatter and so no matter how shoddy your aim there's a good chance something will hit your opponent. Unfortunately he still managed to clobber me and the worst part of it was that I could tell he was just playing around, dancing circles and having a dandy time of it all. Not that I wasn't laughing either.

Sometime during the craziness I spun around with a fresh armful and the world seemed to be made up of red and gold and brown fluttering leaves. Nature's confetti. Colors spun around me until it was nothing but long streaks painting my vision. I couldn't even see the trees at the edge of the clearing or Scotts bike propped somewhere near. It was like standing in the eye of a hurricane composed of nothing but autumn. Most moments with Logan were like this, riding the eye, exhilarated and free.

Another launch of leaves hit me square in the face. Damn him! Just like Logan to catch me in middle of a museful moment. So I hunched forward, dropping half my gathering because I was clutching my left eye and whimpering.

'Hey, you alright Kid?'

I moaned again, rubbing gently. He was at my side in a moment where he anxiously reached to pull my hand away and examine my eye. And that's when I got him. Oh how I got him! He really should have known better but he always did have a weak spot when it came Marie and injury. The glory didn't last long. I ran through the storm of maple leaves I had just cast with no real destination in mind but to get far from him as fast as I could, laughing victoriously all the way. …All the way to the front wheel of Scott's bike where Logan caught me, lifted me by the waist and dragged me to the ground.

'Ah! Its not fair!' I cried. Bushels upon bushels of dry, crumpled leaves smothered into my face and down my sweater while I twisted, hopelessly avoiding each hit. My body thrashed under his to break free, kicking wildly until his grip suddenly slackened. Released, I crawled backward on my elbows a little, biting down a giggle because I knew where my kick had landed and realized there were places the adamantium didn't trace. He groaned over me.

'I'm sorry…' I hedged, still on my elbows and catching his eyes before he collapsed.

Collapsed right on top of me, from exhaustion probably, because unlike most men the pain ended quicker for Logan.

Tuckered also from running and struggling, I lay back again, no longer caring about what my hair must look like and spent the moment catching my breath with Logan. They came in deep and quick, panting like an old horse, certainly not like an almost seventeen year old. Logan could really wear a girl out. The sky was once again laid before me only this time soft ginger hues filled the clearing as the sun lowered somewhere beyond the trees above our heads. The pale light was caught in the thin wispy clouds and it played through them, bouncing colors of pink and red along the edges.

'Its beautiful.' I whispered as I lay so comfortable.

And then I realized Logan couldn't see it because his head was resting on my stomach. One cheek pressed against my belly button through the hoodie, a hand at each side of me, his chest across my pelvis and the rest of him half pressing into my legs, half sprawled across the forest floor. Though I'd long ago caught my breath, I suddenly thought I was going to suffocate. Deep breaths were now to keep my heart rate from increasing because I didn't want him to hear how excited I was. I didn't want him to sense anything of the school girl crush and suddenly be frightened back to arms length. He could stay there forever…or at least another few minutes while I recorded the pressure of his body against mine for future contemplation.

But my words had already been heard and there was stirring down below.

Logan's head turned, resting his chin on my stomach and I was confronted by those hazel eyes looking up the length of my body into my own. One of his hands slowly moved away from my hip. The all familiar disappointment settled inside me…he had finally realized his position and was shifting. My expression fell as I turned to contemplate the fading sky again and during this Logan lifted himself up a few inches but instead of pulling off me, he moved forward, closer. He steadied himself with the hand on the ground, but the other was slowly sliding up the side of my body over the old emerald sweater and then paused to rest just below my arm so that his thumb brushed dangerously close to my breast. Suddenly instead of the fading sky, I was looking into Logan's hazel eyes which hovered above mine for the briefest of moments, warm breath meeting my chin.

All deep breathing was forgotten. All attempts at controlling my rising pulse abandoned. I was sure to burst an artery if he didn't stop looking at me like that, his gaze flitting anxiously as though he wanted to eat me up but hadn't decided if I'd cause him indigestion or not. Finally he did stop, just after his eyes swept downward to my open lips where I felt his mouth close over mine as he kissed me.

Albeit, it was short, but long enough for him to find my bottom lip between his own and glide his tongue swiftly across its surface; Long enough for him to suck firm, pulling me into the crevice of his mouth; Long enough to feel his fingers dig into my side; Long enough to feel the charge react in my cursed skin when the contact stretched a moment too far.

But not long enough for me to respond.

It was over before I woke up to the fact that I was an active participant, or could have been. Logan yanked away, and I knew through the finite bit of him I had pulled into my being that it was less to do with fear of my mutation than fear of himself. He hastily cleared his throat.

'There. Something to replace the first one, Kid.' He pushed up onto his knees, checking his pockets and looking everywhere but at me. 'Come on, lets head back.'

For a moment, I simply lay there registering what just passed and waiting for sensation to return to my limbs. When I heard the hutch to the bike shut firmly, followed by the kick stand being thrown up, I finally moved.

Van Morrison had been spared any damage and was safely in the hutch. My arms were tucked around Logan's waist once more, my head comfortable against his back and now a gleeful smile spread across my lips. He kissed me. The forest quickly became nothing but a blur. Logan raced between the trees just as recklessly as before, I could feel it in the speed, in the way my leaf mottled hair whipped this way and that. We might have caught air again but for all I knew the bike was flying and had never touched the ground. He kissed me.

It was at this point that I knew, knew better than I ever dreamed, that Logan would stay. I knew this time was different. This time he'd given me a silent pledge that I was finally reason enough to stick around. I bit my lip, holding back the happy tears Storm had told me about and clutched tighter.

After a short time, the bike slowed and then stopped. I still had my eyes closed against Logan's back and so only heard the tone of buttons being pressed. There was a sharp metallic sound, not quite like Logan's claws but similar as a gate opened. And then speed again. Wind swirling around us. The forest trees knocking at my arm but nothing could get me to move them from his side. The dark shadow of the forest suddenly blended away from beyond my closed lids and I opened them to find the property bathed in the light of the setting sun.

'Home, sweet home.' He said, pulling up to the veranda steps where he let the engine die.

'That was fast.'

Logan shrugged. 'I took the short cut.' And he helped me climb off with one hand, while he sat clutching the bike with the other.

I waited a moment for him to join me but soon the engine was rumbling again. He was staring at the dials in front of him before he seemed to notice me watching. His eyebrow lifted and that small quirk in the corner of his mouth appeared as it always does when he's holding back a smile.

'I'm going to put this thing away, if you wanna…' He motioned to the back of the bike. For half a second I thought he wanted me to jump on again, I was certainly ready to, but then I realized he was talking about the record. Blushing, I removed my present and held it close to my chest.

'Thank you Logan.' I said again.

'Happy seventeenth.'

'Tomorrow.' I grinned.

'Right.' Logan nodded as though caught off guard. He was captured again by the dials in front of him and I saw there a flash of something not giddy, or pleasant or content at all. It quickly faded when he met my eyes again. He kicked the stand up, the engine purring, ready to send him off. 'See you later Kid.'

'See ya, Logan.'

I woke early the next morning, as I do every year on my birthday but this time I was excited for more reasons than blowing out a few candles. After Kitty and Jubilee had wished me happy birthday and Kitty had placed a paper crown on my head that she ordered me to wear for the rest of the day, I stole outside to get the shower before anyone else in our hall.

Storm emerged from the bathroom looking bright eyed and refreshed. When she saw me her smile bloomed.

'Happy Birthday, Rogue.'

'Thanks,' I blushed pulling the crown from my head and then being of a single mind I glanced around. 'Hey, have you seen Logan?'

'Ro's brows raised. 'Logan? He left, Rogue.'

A hard lump formed in my throat. He left, Rogue. The words didn't quite register until I studied her eyes which quickly turned pitiful. She meant left the Mansion not just to drive into town, not just to run one of Xavier's errands but left. He was gone.

'When did he leave?' my voice sounded so small.

'Sometime late last night. His tip from The Professor followed through a few days ago. He didn't say goodbye?' Storm appeared shocked and slightly befuddled.

No, I was about to say. But…had he? Had he been planning to leave all along? Had the bike ride, the gift, the clearing…the kiss, had it all played a part in his farewell and I was too giddy to see what it meant? Or could it really have been just those four simple words I had come to know so well, 'See you later, Kid'. Was that the moment he decided to leave? That was more Logan's style. Catch me before class as he was walking out the door, or wake me up at five-thirty in the morning to do the brief bedside 'so long'.

His tip had come in a few days ago, she'd said and yet he chose of all days to skip out on us, my birthday. A sick feeling welled up inside of me, an emptiness I was all too familiar with and yet it was different from every other time he had gone, every other time he had left me. It was more. It was always just a little bit more, and this time it was like a part of me had ripped from my chest leaving nothing but a bleeding hallow space and I felt dirty, like I had been gypped out of something that was rightfully mine.

'Ro was looking at me sorrowfully through her dark, beautiful eyes. She reached for my shoulder, a consoling gesture I didn't want from anyone. I shrugged it off.

With the best smile I could muster I mumbled, 'Yeah, yeah…I just hoped to catch him.' Stupidly I pushed past her and locked the bathroom door behind me.

I was used to this. I'd woken in the morning expecting to see his face in the dining hall only to remember that he was gone. I'd been in the danger room and stopped paying attention to Scott, thinking I'll just ask Logan to show me a faster way, and then remembered he won't be waiting outside the lockers. I'd run to the garage only to find an empty space where Scott's bike should have been. I'd done it all before. But that morning I cried in the shower. Under the beating water I hugged my knees close to my slick body wondering when it would stop this time. Wondering how long it would take before the ache was gone again and I was no longer thinking about him, when he'd be back, if he'd be back. Hot water burning my skin felt nothing like the warm kiss he had given me. My cheek fell against my knees until there were no more tears.

xxx

Back again.

He asked me to ride with him tonight. He's been loitering around the grounds more and more lately, ever since I started making a routine of coming out here after dinner. He found me on the playground kicking myself back and forth in the swing.

'Feel like a ride?'

I had seen his shadow cross the sand but didn't look up. My cheeks were already warm, my gloved fingers twisted against the silver chains. 'I'm a little tired, actually.' Which was true, Jubes and I had just finished our daily training in the Danger Room.

'Don't worry, I'll do all the work.'

'I don't think I'm up for it Logan.' I didn't want to look up from the sand because I knew the moment I did I would change my mind. Already I imagined the feel of the wind whipping across my face. I could feel the shape of his abdomen contoured by my arms. They suddenly felt very empty.

'What's wrong kid?'

'Nothing. Just tired.'

'Bull shit.' He stepped around my swing and leaned his shoulder into the tall pole next to me. 'You've been avoiding me.'

I know. 'No, I haven't'

'What is it? You sick of me?'

In a way. I kicked my feet hard, lifting into the air and when I did I stole a glance. He was standing with his hands in his pockets, eyes boring into mine. 'Course not.'

'Then what is it?'

The swing was slowing and I allowed my feet to drag in the dirt, watching the sand displace as I moved. 'Its nothing. I'm just tired that's all. Why don't we go tomorrow?'

I looked up not expecting to see the pained expression in his eyes which quickly softened after catching my gaze. I felt it in my chest though and would have gladly agreed to riding with him if he'd asked just once more. But he didn't.

He nodded and smirked to cover the hurt feelings. 'Alright. Tomorrow then.'

But I know as I watch him walk away from me now that I'll find some excuse not to ride with him tomorrow. Excuses not be around Logan are becoming easier. And yet sometimes when he looks at me with that half grin, an eyebrow raised, I feel the old tingle come back, feel him pull a little Marie out of Rogue and find my heart willing to break once more just to know what he's thinking. If I can only get past those moments I know I won't have to go through it again if he leaves this time. When he leaves. So I hold myself back because I've learned giving in only ever makes me cry and I don't think I can handle it. Not again.

END