Edited May 14, 2013
"Alright everybody, please quiet down, and come sit over here."
Of course, nobody listened to me. Everybody was over at the other end of the Room of Requirement; some people were crowded around Hermione's (illegal) laptop (who said technology didn't work in the wizarding world?), reading an article about the cast of Merrily we Roll along. Some other people were playing catch with a portable microphone, and another group of people (Fred, George, Sirius, James) were doing something very fishy to the box of scripts. And everybody was being loud. Very loud. It was noisier than a Quidich game in here. I cleared my throat and sighed. Just another typical day at the HAT headquarters. For those of us that don't know, HAT is the Hogwarts Association of Theatere, and this year, our chosen musical was-gulp-Les Miserables. Yes, we are absolutely mad. And in a moment of insanity, I had decided to direct.
"Hey! Everybody shut up!" Nobody listened. I tried again. "YO! PEOPLE! GET OVER HERE. CAST LIST TIME!"
Immediately, a hush fell over the room. Slowly, without making a sound, the cast all sat down on the large WICKED carpet in the middle of the spacious chamber. Suddenly, I had sixty pairs of eyes boring into mine. Uh-oh. I hoped nobody decided to take out their I've-got-a-to-small-part-woes on me, like last year when Cho Chang threw a fit because I had made the (good) decision not to cast her as Kim in Miss Saigon. "But I'm Asian!" she had wailed. "I'm the perfect Kim!" I had replied with "But you can't sing." Which was true. After that disaster of a show, I had vowed never to direct again. So… why was I here? And why did all of Claude-Michel Schönberg musicales have whores and illegitimate children? I shook myself out of my thoughts, and shuffled the papers in m hands.
"Ok, everybody, we're going to start by reading the cast list out."
Nobody said anything. I cleared my throat.
"Ok…Jean Valjean will be played by Sirius Black."
"Yes!" Sirius punched the air, as most of the males in the room gave him how-dare-you looks.
"That's not fair!" cried Cedric Diggory. "Why aren't I Valjean."
"Because I'm actually an escaped Convict."
"You cast him because he was an escaped convict?" Cedric turned on me, his eyes flashing. I sighed.
"No, Cedric. I cast him because he can sing, and-"
"The fact that I'm an escaped convict just strengthens that decision."
"Not really. Shut up, Sirius." God, I was getting good at lying. "Anyway, he doesn't escape prison, he just breaks parole." I couldn't help adding.
"What!" Sirius gasped. "That's stupid. At least I escape. God, I'm so much better then he is." Sirius turned to me. "Hey Meda, how about we change it? How about Valjean is an animagus, and escapes?"
"Nope."
" Or he just blast his way out?"
"Absolutely not."
"Or-"
"No, Sirius."
"But-"
" That's enough. This is by the book. He doesn't escape."
"Why not?"
"Its silly. It's not in the book. But there is a crappy movie version were he escapes."
" Whys it crappy?"
"They cut Eponine."
" Fine. Case closed."
"Good. Moving on. Next, Javert will be played by…Severus Snape."
Cries of
"What?"
"That greasy hairball!"
"But that's the best part in the whole play!"
Were heard from all around.
"Unfair! He's a death eater!
"Exactly, they're the bad guys!"
"What are you talking about Seamus, he's not a bad guy."
"Yes he is!"
"No, he's just doing what he thinks is right!"
"Being a death eater?"
Oh boy. This was not going well. I cut in between Seamus and Dean.
"Guys, we're not talking about Snapes…er…chosen employer. We will try to be nice here. and accepting. Snape was cast, fair and-"
But I was cut of with a loud hoot from Sirius.
"YES! I get to hit snivellus with a chair!"
Oh Christ. This was not going to be good. How was i ever going to convince Sirius to save Snape at the barricades? But if anybody could do it, I could. I glanced at Snape, who was glowering at me with evil eyes. Because everybody knew he had wanted to be Eponine.
"Sirius, no you don't. That's going to be a staged fight." But he wasn't listening to me. He and Harry and James were singing a song that went like: "Hitting Snape in the head with a chair YEAH! Hitting Snape in the head with a chair YEAH!" and so on.
"Stuff it guys. As I was saying, we will try to cut down that fight as much as-"
"Hitting Snape in the head with a chair YEAH! Hitting Snape in the-"
"Can it, guys. There's a time, and there's a place."
"Well why not here and now?"
"Because-"
"HITTING SANPE IN THE HEAD-"
"SHUT UP, or I'll curse you. Or fire you."
They shut up.
"Great. Moving on. Fantine will be played by…Lily Potter!"
"What? Does that mean I'm Cosette?" yelled Harry.
"But I don't abandon her!" yelled James.
" I'm not a soprano!"
"And I'm a loving Husband!"
" I can't sing a high F!"
"And I'm not named Felix."
Good grief. Were they really THAT stupid? Well, yes.
"No, Harry, are you mad? Under no circumstances will you play Cosette. Unless we're doing a switched gender version of the show…but we're not. And James, we all know you didn't abandon her. This is a play, not real life. Settle down Sirius. I MEAN IT!"
"But-"
"Nobody cares, Cho. No-Don't cry. Please don't cry. Good. Ready? Great, lets continue." I glanced at Lily, who was beaming at James. "Aright. Enjolras will be played by Neville."
"That idiot? No way!"
"Shut it Zabini. "
"But I'm-"
"A git." Finished Fred, and everybody nodded.
"Marius will be Harry."
"Why?"
"Because he's a cute nitwit."
"HEY!"
"Sorry, Harry"
"But it true."
"Yes it is. And Cosette will be Ginny."
Ginny and Harry grinned at each other.
"Eponine will be played by Luna."
"Why?"
"Because she's Ginny's friend, and therefore Ginny won't hex her." (I hope.) Now, that may have been a bad way to cast, but when Ginny played Gigi in Miss Saigon last year, she had hexed the engineer for hitting her. I don't think Neville has ever been the same since. And I doubted Ginny would hex Luna.
"Hopefully…" murmured Ginny, casting an evil look at Luna, who smiled.
"Don't worry Ginny, I don't like Harry. He's to weird."
"Coming from Loony Lovegood."
"Don't call her that, Ron. It's not nice. You're Grantaire."
"WHAT?"
"Yup. Fits you perfectly." I grinned. Ron was good at drunk. And bad at singing. Go figure.
"Ha-ha." Smirked Hermione.
"The students are Seamus Finnegan, Dean Tomas, Bill Wealsy, Cedric Diggory, Draco Malfoy-"
"My Father will hear about this!"
"- Ernie McMillan, Oliver Wood, Fred and George Wealsy, Justin Finch Flechly, and Lee Jordan."
Everybody cheered, Fred and George the loudest. They slapped each other five, and began muttering about something that did not sound good.
"The Female Ensemble will be Susan Blackwell, Hermione Granger-"
"WHAT! I'M A WHORE! But all I wanted was extra credit." She groaned.
Now it was Ron's turn to smirk.
" At least I have a name." He bragged.
"But Andromeda-" she whined
"There are no small parts Hermione, only small actors." I said atomaticly. " – Alicia Spinet, Angelina Jonson, Cho Chang, Hannah Abbot, Katie Bell, Parvati Patil, Lavender brown, Padma Patil, Romilda Vane, and Emma Dobbs. Happy everyone? NO, Parvati, I don't care. That was rhetorical. Thugs will be Crabbe, Goyle, Viktor Krum, Bill Wealsy, and Theodore Nott. Little Cosette is Rose Zeller, Gavroche is Denis Creavy. Lupin is the bishop; Marcus Flit is the foreman, James is Bamabois, "
"What?"
"Do you want anybody else raping your wife?"
"Good point."
"But who will be the Thenardiers?" asked Hannah Abbot. "Everybody here is cast already.
I groaned. I was positive that the cast would not appreciate my casting decision with those two villains.
" Err...You'll find out tomorrow. Now get some sleep, memorize your lines, and be here at five. "
Once everybody was gone, I sighed. This was going to be a long show.
A/N- my first crackfic. Please be nice. Points to anyone who got the Chess, TOS, and Shrek references.
Leave a review to guess the Thenardiers! Tell me if I''ve missed anybody.
In the next Episode-The Thenardiers Reveled! (Maybe) Work song lyrics ruined by Sirius! A nasty incident with Snape! A chain Gang! And why the characters are muggles! Stay tuned!