Title: Potter Family Values

Rating: T-M (for naughty language mostly)

Genre: Humor. Humorous humor

WARNING: FOUL LANGUAE. SOME MATURE THEMES. SLASH.

Prompt: From Sherina Toh.

"James Sirius Potter must marry. In 100 days. Or he shall loose his Potter inheritance, due to a teeny, tiny clause in the Potter Family law. "You want the money? You must marry!"
Cue the chaos.
Starring: Family Potter. Well-meaning Weasleys. Nosy Malfoys ("I'm trying to HELP you, you git! I'm doing this for Albus!")

Go crazy.
It's a crack fic."

A/N: And so it shall be done! #nods ala I Dream a Genie#

~oOo~

DAY 1

"B-b-b-b-but I can't do this! How can I – ! What – ! Can't you guys do something about this!?"

James looked imploringly at his parents. His father was perusing the contract that sought to bring James' doom, while his mother observed them both with a grim countenance. No one was laughing; there wasn't even the hint of a mischievous twinkle in the eye. James was quickly coming to the horrifying conclusion that this wasn't some lazy prank his dad or siblings were pulling.

After going through all the legal jargon that made James' head spin, it came down to this:

If the first born son of the most recent Potter family (that was James II) of the last born son of the Potter family (that was Harry) didn't marry within a hundred days after his seventeenth birthday (which was today) then he would be ass out on the Potter Family Inheritance. Forever. Heretofore. Thusly. Etcetera, etcetera…

Finally, his father surfaced from his reading and regarded James gravely. "I dunno son. Seems legit."

"Dad!" James shrieked.

"Harry!" Mum whopped him upside the head so hard his glasses flew off. "Be serious."

"What'dya want me to say!?" Dad exclaimed exasperatedly. "It's all here in black and white. He wants some money, he's gotta marry. Unless…" he eyed his son up and down. "You been applying for scholarships for Hoggy U like your mother and I told you to?"

James looked at his toes sheepishly, picking at the fabric in the sofa he was seated on. "…No," he muttered sullenly.

"Well. There ya go then. You're fucked. And not the good kind either. The kind where you're tied down to one person for the rest of your life in order to get money from your Family Vault."

Mum closed her eyes and appeared to mutter a prayer for patience. "Ignore. Your. Father," she said through gritted teeth.

"Isn't there anything you can do?" he said mostly to his mum. She seemed more sympathetic towards his plight.

"Well…" She took a corner of the parchment and glanced at it before quickly looking away, as if the form were too distasteful to even touch. "And you haven't put anything into your savings? Anything at all?"

His head plopping into his hands and the groan of defeat he emitted was answer enough. If he ever regretted buying the new Lightning Bolt XY racing broom then it was now. Wasn't your savings account supposed to be used when you wanted to splurge a little? Not as an emergency backup plan for when you were inexplicably thrown into family inheritance contract.

"Aw, perk up Jamie," dad said. "The way I see it, you've got 2 options. You can let your mother and I whip up a marriage contract, go out into the world and find true and or conditional love on your own, or you can forget the contract and work your way from the bottom to the top like a man."

"That's 3 things dad."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah, more like 2 and a half." Dad was chuckling as he spoke now. "Because I doubt you'll be doing the last one any time soon."

"Muuuuuuum!"

"Can't you do something about this?" Mum said to dad, though James noticed the amused gleam in her brown eyes. Traitor. "You're the head of the Potter Family now, right? Can't you just…void the whole thing or something?"

"Not with Head of the Family Magic, no. The Purebloods would have my head for that – they're so prickly when it comes to Ancient Contract thingies. Not that I care if they try, but I've heard from a very reliable source that my family likes not being persecuted and killed."

James and his mother exchanged a glance. Sometimes they wondered about Harry's mental state.

"On the other hand. I could use raw magic to break it. But there would be…consequences," he said the last part darkly.

"Yeah! Yeah! Do that! I don't care what the –"

"Your penis might fall off, or your child might be born a squash…" Dad continued in a thoughtful tone. "Things of that nature. Magics gotta magic, ya know."

James deflated at that. Was there no hope for poor James Sirius Potter the second? He felt a burning in the corner of his eyes and his throat clogged up as if someone had stuffed silly puddy in it. Oh no. He wasn't going to cry. He was seventeen years old, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and the King of all Pranksters. He'd made the infamous poltergeist Peeves kneel before him! He was a man! A MAN DAMNIT!

A man that was about to be a penniless hobo, sucking goodness knows what for sickles on the mean streets of Knockturn Alley.

"Now, now son. Get-that-I'm-about-to-become-a-Knockturn-slag look off your face. It won't come to that."

"Daaaaaaaad," James moaned. He really should be used to his father's quirky demeanor by now. And to think, there were people at school who worshipped this guy! 'Chosen One my arse. He's just a loon!'

His mum shot a glare at dad, before turning to James with a kind smile. "Listen honey. An arranged relationship isn't all that bad, you know? We would make sure you were involved during the whole process, and if there's anyone you aren't agreeable towards that we pick we won't force you to marry them."

But James was not to be placated. Up was black; down was penguin – nothing in the world made sense anymore. How could he, the most nicest most popularest guy in Hogwarts be subjected to such a tragedy. This was the type of fate suited for Ex-cons and Slytherins (excluding his little brother whom he loved and would kill things for). Not good little Gryffindors who were brave and good and washed behind their ears every night.

Bollocks. He knew he forgot something yesterday. Great. Just perfect! He'd gone and cursed himself all because for once in his life he allowed his ears to be a little crusty before he went to sleep.

"What do you guys know about this? You didn't have to get an arranged marriage," James muttered petulantly.

"Well…" said mom.

There was a suspiciously long pause. James looked up, startled to see his parents exchanging uneasy glances.

"Waaait…are you telling me your marriage was arranged! All this time you lied to us –"

"Hang on honey, no one said anything about that!" mom said, holding her hands up in a placating gesture.

"Yes, we didn't have an arranged marriage. No one forced us to get together. It was more of a…mutual agreement."

If James' world view hadn't been crashing down before, it certainly was knocking him upside the head now. Here he was, naively thinking that his parents were the epitome of a fairy tale romance, when in reality they'd merely settled into their marriage like some – some hesitant business deal! James made a mental note to never mention this to Lily, who was already scoping out her man in the same fashion mom had done with dad. That is to say, she was stringing along a bunch of guys in front of the actual bloke she fancied. He really hoped she didn't expect the guy to save her from any giant snake beasties, because from what he had heard of Reggie Macmillan's father he was the top of the line douche and his son wasn't much different.

"So you guys don't love each other at all?"

"Oh sweetheart! Of course we do!" Mum plopped over to the couch James was sitting on and engulfed him in a loving hug. "We…love each other…" she spoke haltingly. He could see that she trying to grasp at words that would hurt her son the least. "We just realized early on that we didn't exactly…share the same interests…"

"Oi! I put it in you, didn't I?" Dad exclaimed indignantly.

Mum rolled her eyes. "Che. I guess."

"Why didn't you guys get divorced if you didn't love each other? Was it…" he looked up at them through his messy fringe, and try as he might couldn't keep the hurt tone out of his voice: "Was it 'cause of us?"

"No! Not at all! Well, maybe a bit. But not for the reason you're thinking!" mum said hurriedly. "We both love your brother and sister very, very much –"

"More than anything!" Dad added, smiling

"That's right. And it's true that we thought about how hard a divorce would be on you kids. But we had to take into consideration the public and familial ramifications it would have on us.

"For instance, my mother wouldn't do anything as drastic as draw up a marriage contract but she would be rather…insistent that I marry someone financially stable, and dad's side of the family would be crowing for a decent Pureblood every five minutes."

"As for me," dad said. "I keep the wizarding masses out of my hair by following the hero marries his school time redheaded sweetheart cliché. Now they all think I'm a boring little suburban husband." Dad chuckled, shaking his head. "That's so cute of them."

James was far from reassured. So far that he was on earth and reassurance was on Pluto in an alternate dimension trapped in a small box. His inner turmoil must have showed, because his dad scoffed at him. "What? Haven't you ever had a best friend that you liked to fuck without being in a committed relationship before?"

"Huh!?" James squeaked.

His dad scoffed again, shaking his head in disgust. "Che. This generation."

"What we're trying to say, dear, is that we love you and your brother and sister. And even though we may not be in love with each other, we're still happy together. Do you understand?"

There was a silent plea in mum's brown eyes, and even dad's big greens were staring at him hopefully. James sighed. When had things gone from helping him with this stupid contract to learning secrets about his parents? He offered them a weak smile. "Yeah, I understand."

Mum exhaled in relief while dad whooped and held his hand up for a high five, to which his wife returned with enthusiasm.

"See! Told you they wouldn't mind when they got a bit older," said dad, grinning triumphantly.

"Yes, yes. But can you blame me for being worried? It's not exactly an easy topic to bring up."

"Yeah I know. It's just such a relief that we don't have to sneak around as much anymore."

"Sneak around?" said James. "You're having an affair too!?"

Mum gave him a deadpan look. "It's hardly an affair when we know about it, dear."

"Marcus will certainly be happy to hear this. He hates hiding in the broom closet when you guys visit for the summer. Gets real hot in there."

James nodded along in a sort of horrified stupor, that is until he actually registered what his father was saying. Then his head snapped up to stare at his father with wide eyes and a paling face. "Marcus? Dad you're…are you…?"

"What, gay? Of course not, son! Don't be ridiculous!"

James sighed in relief.

"I'm what I like to call a trysexual."

"…Try…?"

"Meaning, I'll try anybody…with anything."

The noise that came out of James' mouth was something between a strangled yelp and a squeak. He was not proud of this noise.

"Mmm, remember when I used the strap on?" Mum said. She gave a little shoulder shimmy, and grinned a lascivious grin that belonged on no mother ever.

Dad returned the grin and leaned forward. Clearly there was no God. "Mmmhmm. And Seamus brought the hippogriff claw gloves and the kiddie pool full of pygmy puffs?"

"Oh yeah. I couldn't look at marshmallows for a week after that –"

"Please stop having this conversation."

Mum blushed. At least she seemed to have some modicum of decency. Unlike his dad, who had crossed his arms and was pouting like a child. "Prude," he muttered.

Who was the adult here again?

"Well honey, you just let us worry about this contract for now. Why don't you go back to your party, hmm?"

Right. Before he'd been dragged into the living room for this little conference, he was happily celebrating his birthday in the backyard. Somehow he doubted he'd be able to enjoy himself too much with this hanging over his head. Regardless, he stood up and headed back to his little shindig and hoped the dreariness that he felt within the very depths of his soul wasn't made apparent by his friends.

"Just remember son; you can't have benefits without friends!" his dad called.

Annnnnnd full traumatization complete.

"James mate! You were in there with your folks for a while. Everything alright?" One of his friends, Cyless Finnegan, said while clapping him on the shoulder.

Seamus. His dad had mentioned a Seamus. James only knew of one Seamus and he hoped to every deity in existence that his father was not speaking of the same Seamus. Otherwise things with Cyless were about to get very awkward.

Using every bit of cunning he could muster (which was one fifth of an iota) he managed to muster up a smile. "Y-yup. Just fine Cy."

"If you say so mate."

Yes sir. Just peachy keen. Everything in the life of James Sirius Potter was A – Ok.

Who was he kidding? His dad was right. He was fucked.

~oOo~

End Notes: I regret nothing!

A special thank you to Sherina Toh, who came up with this idea in the first place! Also for getting my inspiration brain juices really flowing. I apologize for the mess.

Hope you all enjoyed. And to you Sherina; I hope that you like what I did with your Plot Bunny!

RuRu OUT!