Happy Birthday Illuin!
Over the course of my epic and under-celebrated life, which may come to a heroic and untimely end thanks to the evil machinations of a certain Fanfiction Author BITCH (peace and joyce, I'm watching you!) I have been among the ranks of a set of legendary warriors, who take the world by storm with their pure awesomeness. These warriors do not need to change anything about themselves, they just do their thing and do it with pride and care. They take no shit, and they gave no shit. And if they do give shit, they give shit where they please, thanking you muchly motherf*****
And of course their language is free of all vulgarity, naturally.
They are of course, the Invincibles. Beings of such Invincibility that mountains become molehills- though they will be molehills that will be scaled with the same level of awesome badassery- and the world is their oyster. Actually, they are so awesome that the world doesn't need to be their oyster. It can be their blueberry muffin, their cheeseburger with double fries, their ham omelette. Because not everybody likes oysters. And I doubt oysters like everybody either.
So before I level up to the Afterlife (note: the Invincible do not die, per se. Oh no, they level up) I feel it best to concrete my legacy and the legacy of other Invincible Tributes by producing this Guide to Invincibility. No, not InviSibility. Invincibility. This guide you just so happen to be reading, isn't that wonderful? Well maybe you aren't reading it. Maybe you are listening to the audiobook. In which case I hope that the narrator is extremely intelligent, creative and hot with good taste in aftershave.
A quick note to the Reader: Are you reading this in an epic voice? You're not? THEN BACK TO PAGE ONE.
Now that that is cleared up, let us begin with the definition of Invincible.
Some people define Invincibles as "weird" or "dysfunctional". I have a few things to say in response:
1) An Invincible does not "function". No no. We operate, we epicify, we awesomate.
2) Art does not function, but you still appreciate it. Invincibles are art as people.
3) "Weird" translates as EPIC OVERLOAD MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE IT OMG MELTDOOOOWN
Now, here are the 50 Invincible Precepts. Remember them and consult them in times of need*
*But not medical need. There is nothing about medicine or anything in here. In case of that kind of crisis, you are wasting your time. Get a doctor. Now.
What are you still doing here? I SAID, get a doctor. NOW.
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You'd better not still be here.
On with the guide, for those of a non-medical need.
1) If it can't be done, it can be done. You just aren't looking at it right.
2) If it can be done, it can be done to epic music.
3) If it can be done to epic music, it is worth doing.
4) Before each day, ask yourself, what will be done to make today Invincible?
5) Or just wing it. Especially if your mom is shouting at you to get up and the alarm went Jurassic Ages ago.
6) There is no reason why you can't dance while making the bed.
7) In fact, there is no reason why you shouldn't.
8) If you are ever late for class, don't run. Run slow-mo through the corridors, with your friends making epic ancient-choir sound effects in the background.
9) When you arrive late, go down on your knees with a Darth Vader style "NOOOOOOO". The teacher probably won't let you off, but you'll feel better. After all, you haven't had your limbs cut off by your bestie and burned in lava.
Well, yet.
10) Just because you aren't evil, doesn't mean you can't have an evil laugh.
11) Always think outside of the box. Boxes are boring.
12) Except blue boxes, shiny boxes and boxes containing presents.
13) Beware vampires that doth sparkleth. Me thinketh that not all ith gold that glitterth.
14) If Shakespeare sad "eth" after stuff, you can too.
15) In fact, go ahead and be Shakespeare.
16) But don't spell like Chaucer. That will not help your grades.
17) Have an awesome hobby.
18) I said an awesome hobby. (I'm kidding. I trust it is awesome. After all, you are reading this, aren't you?)
19) Refine your talent: Learn, practice, learn, practice.
20) Some habits are endearing mannerisms, like saving people's lives. Nose-picking, fly-wing-pulling, spitting and murder do not count.
21) Sponsor me in the Hunger Games. Just kidding. I was totally not going to use this as any form of self-promotion/preservation. Nope, not at all.
22) Sponsor Coriander Flair in the Hunger Games.
23) OK, enough with the advertising. No more, I promise.
24) read Illuin fanfiction.
25) That was genuinely the last one! Honest!
26) Never speak in a monotone. Ever. Even if you are reading out a phone number, put some gusto into it!
27) Your face is your visual mouth. Your facial expressions should be expressive, dramatic and worthy of epic choir singing in background.
28) In fact, just have the permanent choir. Get your friends harmonized up.
29) Read awesome books. The book is like a mirror to the soul. If the book is epic, you're in luck.
30) If the book reflecting your soul is Twilight, get help. FAST. I can't guarantee your safety.
31) Fezes are cool.
32) Lists are cool.
33) Of course lists are cool. I'm writing one.
34) Try unusual food. If it makes you sick, don't try it again.
35) Try going somewhere really exotic at least once in your life. The more unpronounceable the name, the better.
36) But make sure you can pronounce the place name. Just in case you get lost.
37) If you're going to speak Simlish, Elvish, Klingon, Orc, Troll, Mermish, Valyrian or any other extra curricular foreign language, please speak it properly.
38) Orcish For Beginners:
The word: "Hobbit"
Nominative Case: GRUNT
Accusative Case: GRUNT-GRUNT
Genitive Case: GRUNT og GRUNT
Dative Case: GRUNT ad GRUNT
Ablative Case: GRUNT nid GRUNT GRUNT GRUNT
Vocative Case: GRUNT!
39) You only get one death. So don't screw it up.
40) Spaghetti wasn't meant to be eaten tidily. It is man's darker side, when he becomes beast. Unleash your inner beast and howl epically before consumption.
41) But not too loud. It might put people off their food.
42) If you're ill, FIGHT BACK. You own your body, not some viral motherf*****
43) If there are any epic guitar instrumentals in a song aka Bohemian Rhapsody, the creator/s are expecting you to sing the instrument bits as well.
44) That is not optional. No instrumental singing =not singing properly
45) You want to sing? Then sing.
46) If anybody complains, then you just are not singing loud enough
47) If life calls for a day wearing a long swishing cloak, wear a long swishing cloak.
48)Was today awesome? NO? THEN GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN.
49) Be nice and generous to all people of all creeds, nations, genders, sex preferences, IQs, bank balances, ages, fashion senses-even-the-truly-abysmal
50) Unless they are evil. In which case THEY ARE GOING DOWN MOTHERF*****S
51) Yes, there are more than 50 precepts when I said there would 50. Get over it. Invincibles can handle that little bit more.
52) No I am not apologising.
53) Can't make me.
AND THE ULTIMATE PRECEPT
GO FORTH AND BE INVINCIBLE!
What are you still doing here? What did I just tell you to do? Then go and do it!
Thanks for reading everybody! Feel free to leave a review or comment
a) what Invincible Precepts you do in your life
yes, life. The thing outside the Internet. No, I'm kidding.
b) What awesome thing did you do today?
c) for the really badass, both.