Disclaimer: I do not own either Hetalia or Avenue Q. I do, however, own a brass lamp. Whee! On with the singing!

Lukas was sitting on an overstuffed chair in the living room of his apartment, a book in his lap and a slightly less dour expression than usual on his face."Ah, an afternoon alone with my favourite book "A History of Norse Mythology." "No annoying Dane to bother me. How could it get any better than this?"

At that very moment Matthias burst in through the door, effectively ruining his day. "HEJ LUKAS!"

Lukas sighed. "Hei Matthias. I thought you were supposed to be in the hospital for another week recovering from the skull fracture that you got due to that drunken car accident?"

Matthias threw back his head and laughed his usual annoying laugh. "Ahaha! I got better faster than the doctor thought! But, you'll never guess what happened to me today on the train!"

Lukas rolled his eyes and opened up his book. "That's fine. I really don't care," he said blankly.

Matthias, undeterred by his friend's apathy, continued on with his story. "This guy was smiling and talking to me..."

" Incredible," Lukas deadpanned. "Now get out of my house."

"He was being real friendly. I think he might've been coming on to me. Actually, I know that he was. He squeezed my ass and start whispering something in French. I didn't understand most of what he was saying, but I think I caught the words "throbbing" and "manhole". I think he might've thought that I was gay!" Matthias finished, sounding rather proud of the fact.

Lukas quirked an eyebrow at him. "Or maybe he was just a pervert willing to do anything that has a pulse," he suggested. He thought for a moment. "Actually, I take back that statement. He was definitely a pervert willing to do anything regardless of whether or not it has a pulse. There, the mystery has been solved. Now get out and let me read in peace."

Matthias grinned a shit-eating grin that made Lukas want to strangle him. "Hey, no need to get defensive about it Lukas," he smirked.

"Er...The only thing that I'm concerned about here is the fact that you don't know how to take a hint. I thought that my bisexuality was confirmed years ago." Figuring that the matter was settled, Lukas turned around in an attempt to ignore the Dane. That effort lasted all of fifteen seconds before he said something stupid again, thus rekindling Lukas' annoyance.

"Huh, did you say something Lukas?" Matthias asked cheerfully.

Lukas threw him a disgusted look. "You have the attention span of a sack of hammers."

Matthias leapt in front of him and struck a pose. "I think this situation calls for a song!" He declared loudly.

Lukas pinched the bridge of his nose. He was definitely going to need lots of ibuprofen after this. "Oh for God's sake..." he mumbled.

"If you were gay, that'd be okay! I mean 'cus hey, I'd like you anyway! Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay! (But I'm not gay!)" Matthias sang.

"Everyone knows that you're a switch-hitter as well Matthias. Now can you please shut the hell up and let me read?" His request went unfulfilled.

"If you were queer!"

"You do realize that queer actually means strange, right? In fact, gay originally meant happy. How they came to be associated with homosexuality is a mystery to me."

" I'd still be here!"

"Oh joy. I feel so validated. If being solely gay meant that you'd go away, I'd start fellating a man while wearing a miniskirt right here in this living room."

"Year after year!"

"That's what I'm afraid of. Haven't I dealt with your idiocy enough?"

"Because you're dear to me!"

"Uh-huh. Because that wasn't gay at all."

"And I know that you!"

"Am seriously considering caving your skull in with a meat cleaver?"

"Would accept me too!"

"I already don't accept you. You being gay wouldn't make me respect you any less, mostly because I have no respect for you at all to begin with."

"If I told you today "Hey, guess what? I'm gay!" (But I'm not gay!) I'm happy just being with you!"

"How ironic, seeing as how I'm always unhappy with you. It's like we're yin and yang here."

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"

"You've already seen what I do in bed with people of both sexes, what with you walking in on me all of the time. Seriously, how do you keep getting in here anyway?"

"If you were gay, I'd shout hooray!"

"That cracked skull really did not do you any favours..."

"And here I'd stay!"

"I reiterate; that is exactly what I'm afraid of."

"But I wouldn't get in your way!"

"You already did. Four times this week, in fact. The Icelandic boy on Monday, the Belarusian girl on Wednesday, etc...You're a cockblock and I hate you for it."

"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay! You were just born that way! And as they say, it's in your DNA if you're gay!"

"That's just a theory. There is actually no solid scientific proof for that as of yet."

"If you were gay!"

As soon as Matthias belted out the last line, Lukas slammed his book shoot in irritation before rounding on him. "That last line was horribly timed," he said. "You just ruined the entire flow of this already hideously executed song. And you sing like you're being sodomized by Satan's barbed penis. Now that I've destroyed your self-esteem, get out," he added, his right eye twitching slightly.

" Huh?" Matthias said blankly.

Lukas stared incredulously at the tall, spiky-haired man for a good two minutes before throwing his book at the man's face and storming off, presumably to drown his rage in a combination of beer and pain killers.

Matthias shrugged, nonplussed at his unfavourable reaction. "I thought I sounded pretty good." He bent down and picked up the book that had just been bounced off his face, reading the title. "Ooh, I love this one!" He said. With that, he settled himself in Lukas' abandoned chair and opened it up to the first page.

"Too bad Lukas isn't around to enjoy this book," Matthias sighed. "It seems like the kind that he'd like. I wonder what made him storm off anyway? Oh well." He shrugged.