Disclaimer: I don't own any Big Time Rush character or any of the stuff related to them or Nickelodeon.
My note: Hi everyone! Well, this is my first fanfiction and I don't know how good it is, so if you don't mind to leave a review I'll love you forever. All kind of suggestions for better stories or stuff are all welcomed! So, please enjoy.
PS: The text in italic is for the things from the very past.
"Why he isn't still here?" Kendall whispered anxiously to his best friend. This was the kind of pressure he couldn't manage, all the worst thoughts rambled on his mind over and over again and at some point, he knew he could just yield and give up but he knew that he couldn't do it. Not in this moment. "What if he regretted on this?"
"Relax, dude. He'll come. Just wait." James smiled at his friend and gave a pat on Kendall's back to comfort him. "Don't be stupid and stop thinking in that. I know him too and I can assure he's not one of those who regret things at the last second, so relax."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks man. But still, he's 30 minutes late and the lawyer isn't too happy for that." Kendall rubbed his hands to make them stop shaking. "I swear if he-"
"Kendall…" interrupted James and whispered to Kendall's ear. "Look…"
As Kendall turned around, he saw the person he was waiting for so long.
"Oh, there he is…" Kendall softly said to himself, trying to contain any kind of exaggerated excitement felt for the moment, covering every emotion only with a smile as he saw his fiancée appearing on the door and walking so happily towards him. This was the day they both waited anxiously for so long, the day where the bond they shared was going to totally unite them to become officially the half of the other so they both would have to take care of his beloved forever.
The two guys met since they were teenagers, at the age of 15. They both shared the extreme love for hockey and their moms enrolled them accidentally together on the same team, when they still lived in Minnesota. - At that time, Logan was the new one on the team, too shy to talk to each one of his mates and he limited himself to just talk to barely one or two. Kendall, on the other hand, was one of the coolest members in the team and everyone wanted to talk to him. One day, all the old members unanimously elected him as the captain of the Teen Minnesota hockey team. Kendall and Logan had already exchanged few words, phrases such as 'sup?' or 'stay focus, dammit!' when Logan couldn't take away the puck from the other's domination. Even if Logan was kind of the worst player on the team, Kendall still didn't lose his faith on that boy. Every day, he saw Logan practicing harder to impress the others but always there was a little, tiny mistake that always ruined his achievement. -
Mrs. Mitchell kept that huge smile on his face, walking slowly and elegant with his son on her side. She supported Logan in every decision he made, council after council given to his son so he could find the right way to the life he always dreamed to have. After Logan declared and accepted that he was gay at 15, she tried to be always there for him so she could protect him at any discrimination he could receive at any moment. She could perfectly remember that day when Logan showed up so nervous, his face showing a worry he couldn't deny, wanting to scream something that he couldn't keep to himself anymore. - "What's the matter?" she asked to her son, rubbing his back. "Mom, don't hate me. Please don't. I know you're not proud of me and maybe less after this and I can understand it, but please don't hate me…" Logan said to his mother with tears falling one after the other on his beautiful crimson cheeks. "Of course I won't hate you. I could never do that, you're my son, my life, my everything. And I'm very, very proud of you no matter the many mistakes you can make. What's wrong, honey?" Mrs. Mitchell gave her son a last look to make him sure he could trust in her in any way possible. With a guilty look, Logan took a deep breath… "Mom… I'm-I'm gay…" -
That conversation kept running every day in her head, every time she saw his son being completely happy with Kendall at his side. And mostly this day that she would see how his son was going to pass from her hands to other person's hands forever. Or at least that was the purpose on this wedding.
"Mom, are you crying?" Logan softly whispered to his mom while they still had just few more steps forward before taking Kendall's hand. "It's ok, mom."
The path ended, she had to let him go but before handing Logan to his excited fiancée, she knew she had to say something. "I'm very, very happy for you. And I'm really proud of what you've become in all these years. You have to know that I always wanted and I still want the best for you and I just hope you can find it with him. I love you, son" she softly emitted. Logan, happily, embraced his mom. "Thanks for being the best mom. I love you."Logan kissed his mother's cheek and proceeded to turn around to face Kendall.
Kendall examined his fiancée from head to toes, curling and licking his lips when he saw the tight, black and white tuxedo fitting perfectly in Logan's radiant muscled body, his hair combed to the side with every lock perfectly in its place... As hard as he could try to search for any flaw on Logan, Kendall just couldn't, he was so in love with him that the word 'flaw' didn't even exist in his vocabulary or his mind.
"You look perfect…" Kendall softly said to Logan. Logan smiled and returned the favor with a sweet 'And you… You're fantastic'.
"Ok. Honorable people here present, this day we're celebrating the marriage of these two respected people, Mr. Kendall Donald Knight and Mr. Hortence 'Logan' Mitchell…"
After hearing their names, both Logan and Kendall turned to see each other and smiled in happiness. This is what Logan always dreamed since he started dating with Kendall, since they had their first kiss, since they swore to never leave the other's side at any circumstance. Every laugh, every smile, every sad face, every madness that Kendall showed sometimes, all of them were precious memories that Logan would love forever. Every fight they had was just another opportunity to make the things right and fix the mistakes of the past. There was no good life, no laughs or great moments if they weren't by the other's side, they both matched incredibly with the other and no one could ever separate them. They were opposites that kept the relationship in a perfect, straight balance, no one could deny it. Five years of being together would be the enough to them to finally accept other challenges in life and take the big step.
"If I had to die to save your life, would you let me do it?"said Kendall looking up to meet Logan's beautiful scruffy chin. "No, never. If you die, I die. If you live, I'll be right by your side. I prefer to die than watching you die for me." said Logan in a sweet tone while he was cuddling with his boyfriend. He kneaded Kendall's head, passing his hand over and over again on his gold locks while the two guys were watching 'Jeepers Creepers' on their traditional 'movie night', always happening on Saturday nights. Horror movies were just perfect as an excuse to hold hands and embrace to each other. "Logan… What's your definition of the guy of your dreams?" Kendall asked, pulling Logan's hand to play with it a little bit, interlocking his fingers with the Logan's ones and feel the soft tickling that he loved to feel. Logan looked down to meet his boyfriend's deep green eyes that made him go to another world, a perfect world. Even if Logan had other expectations for his perfect boyfriend, he couldn't imagine other life with other guy than Kendall. "You, Kendall. You are my definition of the guy of my dreams."
Logan's memories were interrupted by the lawyer's words, finally the part where the two of them could pronounce the sentence 'I do.'
"Mr. Knight, do you accept Hortence Mitchell as your future husband, and you promise to love him, respect him and taking care of him in the sickness and health, until death do you apart?"
"I do." said Kendall with no doubt, smiling and in excitement.
"And you, Mr. Mitchell, do you accept Kendall Knight as your future husband, and you promise to love him, respect him and taking care of him in the sickness and health, until death do you apart?"
A moment of silence covered the whole room. Everyone stared at Logan, even his fiancée looking at him with anxiety. Logan curled his lips, a big smile appeared on his face and stared at Kendall with happiness and love. "Yes, I do."
"You're officially married now. Congratulations." said the lawyer smilingly.
Kendall couldn't wait anymore and he pounced over Logan to give him a sweet, gently and passionate kiss. Everything else in the room disappeared and the only thing that mattered was just him and his beloved giving the definitive kiss to seal the pact they promised to make it real for the eternity. "I love you, Logan… I mean, Mr. Knight." Logan giggled and gave Kendall another kiss. "I love you too, Mr. Knight. Always, for the rest of our lives and the life after death".
7 years later.
'Beep. Beep. Beep.' The alarm clock rang one more time and the dream that seemed so real, disappeared; the memento of that glorious day for Kendall and Logan kept playing over and over again in the messed mind of the sleepy man. The clock read the 8:00 o'clock in the morning for a new day. The warm morning made its opening by letting a little sunlight to pass through the window to touch the soft, milky skin placed in the bed. An empty, lonely and quite room with the visit of the sun, little breeze and the noise of the alarm, all of them contemplating the naked, lonely torso covered in blank sheets reflecting the nothingness. Kendall wasn't sure if he wanted to open his eyes and face another morning of his miserable life with crappy and devastating feelings coming out of his being. But he knew he had to do it.
"I want to give up; I don't want to fight for anything anymore but… I have to do it for you, my love…" Kendall thought to himself and sighed in a big sadness. He opened his eyes trying to imagine the perfect muscled body next to him, his face with a big smile and pronouncing 'good morning' in a sweet, deep voice but instead he found out an empty place, just a pillow and the blank sheets with no one to cover except him. Kendall turned back to see the hour on the clock and with a blank expression on his face, he got up from his bed. The shower time was pretty quick and quite, with no laughs emitted caused by the kinky games that him and his boyfriend did at the shower whenever they felt like doing it.
A black, well shaped suit, covered Kendall's naked body and a well perfume that could attract all the woman in the world, got impregnated in his skin. "Logan…" Kendall emitted in a faint whisper as he closed the door behind him and saw the shining sun above him, giving the life to the beautiful trees with leafs colored in vivid green.
All the way to Logan's new home was in a complete silence, no expression of happiness nor even a slight smile was reflected in Kendall's face. Everything was all sadness, anger, devastation and wishes of his own death. But he promised to his beloved that for nothing in the world he'd commit a big deal such as suicide. Logan didn't want Kendall to end with his life, whether both were together or not. All that Logan wanted for the love of his life was happiness in Kendall, the world just changed to a perfect place to live every time Kendall smiled. His smiles were Logan's perfect gifts but Kendall didn't know or at least, he didn't care anymore. The parking lot had lots of vacant places; everybody was working and almost nobody had the time to visit their loved ones.
Kendall got out of the car and proceeded to go through all the campus to find his husband… If everyone could still call it 'husband'. He searched 'Knight' and went directly to the grave he visited every time he needed his other half on his side. It was being this for the past 5 years, since Logan had the accident on his motorcycle in way to home with Kendall.
He stood up in front of the precious grave for one minute before start talking. "Hortence 'Logan' Knight. (September 14th, 1985 - June 13th, 2008) That God guide you to your own peace and happiness. You'll be forever in our hearts. RIP" read Kendall as he felt how his deep voice started to lose itself into a weeping one; he still couldn't believe the new reality, that all of this happened to Logan. He felt as the grave was for him, he already felt dead without Logan and visiting him made it worse; it made him want to give up to his miserable life to chase his dreams with Logan and no one else. At least after death, they could live forever happy on the other's side.
A tear was about to come but it didn't find its way to the soft, milky skin of the beautiful human being standing there, saying no words and just listening to the sound of the trees trembling of the soft touch of the fresh breeze that appeared in long periods of time as the day passed by. Kendall let out a faint exhalation and kept with his own thoughts. "Logan… Life is different without you… Your mom isn't still the same and I… I can't and don't want to be the same if you're not with me… I just can't admit that you're gone and I have to move on…" Kendall stopped and wiped the tiny tears coming from his deep green eyes. "The house is quite, sometimes people go to visit me but… Nothing is the same… Not since the accident…"
"You're looking good" Logan playfully said to Kendall when he saw his husband looking radiant in a formal suit. This was the time of the day that Logan always loved since Kendall got his dreamy job in a successful computer company. He could look at his husband being elegant, sophisticated… All different from what Kendall tended to be. Kendall wasn't the guy who liked suits, he was comfortable with casual clothes all day, not caring what people had to think or say about him. Logan, otherwise, thought that suits made a person all elegant, sophisticated besides good looking but still, he knew that suits depended of the moment and place. Making fun of his husband every morning is what Logan most liked, he'd end up telling it was a joke and he'd give Kendall a big, passionate kiss before leaving to work. Every day was like that, and neither both of them were tired of that. "Yeah, yeah… Keep making fun of me." Kendall said sarcastically. He watched the clock and realized he had to quick his steps. "Oops! I guess It's time to go. Love you, baby." Kendall planted a sweet kiss on Logan's soft lips. "Love you too, my ken doll." said Logan as he saw Kendall grabbing his stuff and disappearing from his view. He could truly say that he chose well with who he wanted to share his life. Logan drank his last sip of coffee and immediately left the house.
The day passed very fast and for Kendall, that was better. Every minute he spent on his work, he could only think in Logan and in what he had planned to do at night. Every night was a surprise for him, whether in a good or a bad way. But Kendall knew that this time would be a good surprise since Logan called him to remind him that he had to buy the cinnamon rolls that they both love, especially Kendall. He knew that at some point in the night, he'd be lucky to have the best sex with his partner, maybe in the shower, or the living room, or their own bed. It didn't matter where, just mattered with who. Kendall just couldn't wait anymore. When he arrived at home, he didn't expect to find himself with the loneliness of the house. Logan already had to be at home since his work ended earlier than Kendall's one. "Logan?" shouted Kendall, his voice echoing in the entire house. No one responded. Kendall didn't know if he had to worry or just think that maybe Logan was buying some kind of wine for the . All his thoughts suddenly were interrupted by the ringtone of his phone and in which the caller ID was unknown. "Hello?" he proceeded to answer.
"Mr. Knight?" a girl in the other line of the phone said.
"Yes, it's me. In what can I help you?"
"Sir, is your husband. He had an accident in his motorcycle. I was across the street when I saw Logan turning right in the corner and a crazy driver with no control crashed on him with his car. He… He flew out of his bike. He's very bad. The ambulance took him to the hospital… Just go quickly, sir!"
"Yeah-yeah! I'm on my way! Thank you. Who's this, anyway?" Kendall asked worried. A weeping voice was about to come and he couldn't do anything to keep calm and keep positive about his husband. "His assistant… Don't waste time and go!" Tears were already spilling down in Kendall's cheeks. He drove very fast until he got to the hospital. All in his head was the worst case, such as Logan's death. He felt like something horrible was about to happen but kept avoiding those thoughts and tried to stay focus on see his beloved. "Nurse, help me! My husband was just transferred in here and I just wanted to know how he is. His name's Logan, Logan Knight! Please help him!"
"Sir, calm down. Yes, he's already here. He's in ICU. Right now you can't see him but soon a doctor will come to tell you the situation. Just wait." The seconds felt like minutes, and the minutes like hours. Kendall's head was about to explode, this was so unreal and so hard to believe, like it was a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. Logan didn't deserve it, and please that God could have mercy in both of them. "It's not his time, not today, not right now… God, please, it's not his time yet…" Kendall between sobs whispered. Logan meant the world to Kendall, so why keep living in a world that wouldn't exist anymore? Nothing made sense anymore. "Please God…Mercy… Mer… cy"
"Mr. Kendall Knight?" a tall man with a white gown shouted to the whole lobby.
"Yes, it's me… How's my husband?" Kendall asked to the doctor in a big worry. Other bad news were the last thing he wanted to hear. "He's pretty bad, he suffered too many contusions in his head and his brain Is all damaged."
"But…H-He's going to survive, right?"
"We're not so sure. His brain is too damaged at this point. It's a miracle that he survived at that hard crash; he would have died instantly… Well, he's in the room G12, if you wanna see him."
Right immediately those words, Kendall ran to the room G12 and make sure his beloved was going to survive… Or at least, he wanted to see him for the last time. He anxiously opened the door, expecting to see lot of machines connected to Logan's body. Logan seemed to be sleeping, maybe dead but machines said otherwise. He slowly walked to Logan's side and placed a sweet kiss on Logan's injured cheek."Oh my God, Logan… Look what they did to you… You don't deserve any of this shit… Please, baby, just don't leave me. Fight for you, for us. I don't know what I'll do without you…" Kendall hid his head in Logan's chest and cried, waiting for an answer. As it someone was hearing what he was saying, Logan opened his eyes and almost cried to see his husband all devastated for him. "I won't" Logan said really, really low. "And if I do, promise me that you'll be ok, that you'll fight in life and that you'll find happiness…"
"Logan, don't say that. You're not gonna die, ok? You're not-" Kendall interrupted his words with loud sobs. "Kendall, we all know that at some point, I will. I already heard the doctors saying that. And I don't care to die. It's going to be God's decision and no one can do a thing. Please, Kendall… Promise me you'll continue with your life… Promise me that, Kendall!" Logan cried. There was nothing worse for him than watching his beloved suffering for his fault. And after he died, he didn't still want to charge with the fault. "Okay… I promise."
"Good… I love you, Kendall. I will always love you."
"I love you too, Logie… No doubt I'll always do it." Kendall said as one more tear fell down his cheek. Logan smiled and closed his eyes. The machine beside him told the truth: Logan's heart beats stopped. Logan died. "Logan… LOGAN?!" shouted Kendall in desperation. "DOCTOR! PLEASE, I NEED A DOCTOR!"
He saw as few nurses and doctors appeared in the room and ran to revive Logan's dead body. "LOGAN, PLEASE!" shouted Kendall one more time before a nurse pushed him back and made him leave the room. After some minutes of waiting outside, the same doctor as before talked to Kendall.
"We… We're sorry Mr. Knight. Your husband… We did everything that was possible but still Logan didn't respond. I'm sorry for your lost…"
Everything to Kendall was destroyed since then; he didn't know that that day at morning with Logan would be the last time he would possibly smile. Just 2 years of marriage with the man of his life wasn't still enough for him. He wanted a whole life together, a whole life that apparently was impossible now. There was no Kendall Knight anymore. He was just a walking body, but with dead in the inside.
"I can't move on… I can't be happy… I know I told you I would try but it's just a promise I can't keep. I'm sorry, but it doesn't make sense for me to keep fighting for my own life if my whole life was you… " Kendall couldn't stop crying, he just couldn't stay like this anymore. Or was dying or bringing Logan to life again. "I tried really hard, I seriously did. But nothing's the same without you, Logan. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT! No other guy can make me happy as you did in 7 years of being together. No other guy can make me smile as you did every morning before going to work. No other guy can make me feel that sensation you made me feel… No… No other guy can be like you." Kendall wiped his tears coming one after the other, seeming a pure cascade of emotions. "I don't care if I have the best job in the world, or the best friends, or a great family… I don't care if you're not there to see it" Kendall paused. He was breathless; he could feel how his voice was losing in the silence of the campus. "If I could only see you one more time… If I could listen your voice… If I could touch you, feel you one more time…"
A sudden fresh breeze invaded the space where Kendall was, making the trees dance in the direction of it. Kendall closed his eyes and felt the breeze touching his entire being, a soft touch just as Logan's fingers rubbing his milky skin. He felt how a sweet, almost inaudible voice, whispered "I'll always love you" in his ear. Kendall tried to believe it was his imagination and not a real fact. Logan couldn't be there. He was never there when he was visited. But still, this was a pleasurable moment for Kendall. Not because it brought him peace, but because he knew Logan never left his side. Even if Logan wasn't completely there as a body, a human being, he was always there with Kendall, sharing his soul. Anyway, they became one, the other half of each other.
"Always loving you, Logan… Till death do us apart…"
So, what did you guys think? I know it's kinda sad, and believe me, it sounds even sadder in my mind, but well… At least I tried. Hahaha! Please review and tell me what you think! Xoxo.